“Good people get tired of giving to ungrateful people”
This meme has been doing the rounds, and it always get a largely positive response in the comments section. Evidently, there are lots of people who feel unappreciated for their efforts to improve the lives of others.
Which is why I found it strange that I seemed to be the only one who didn’t agree.
I’ve since put out a few posts challenging this idea, and have received more than a little hate in response. To be fair, this is partly due to how brief my content was, so today I’m going to expand on what I think the person who’s “tired of giving” is actually the one in the wrong!
In short, here’s my claim:
- If you were truly giving for the sake of being a good person, you wouldn’t expect anything in return (not even simple gratitude or appreciation)
- If you give with a condition that it must be appreciated, then you’re actually issuing a social loan, expecting essentially the same value in return for your “giving”, which means it’s not giving, it’s a transaction
- If someone doesn’t appreciate your giving, that means they either didn’t notice, didn’t want it, or they feel entitled to it. Any of these reasons mean you’re the one in the wrong (more on this later)
Let’s break down my argument…
Why You’re Not Truly Giving
The main argument I get is that it’s “natural” to want something in return. And while I actually agree that it’s natural to want something in return, expecting something is different.
If you expect something in return, meaning that if you don’t get it you consider the giving to have been a waste of time and resources, then it’s not really giving. Sure, it’s nice when people reciprocate, and there’s nothing wrong with enjoying when that happens. But feeling entitled to this payback means you weren’t really trying to improve their life; you were trying to make yourself feel good.
Giving with the expectation of gratitude is a manipulation.
It’s essentially a guilt-trip. You use “giving” to force people to show gratitude towards you. It’s a tactic to give yourself validation. You provoke people into saying “Thanks” and “Oh, you’re so kind” and “Wow, you’re such a good person” so that you can feel good about yourself.
If it were true giving, you wouldn’t even care if they didn’t notice. You’d happily give anonymously, the way Keanu Reeves secretly makes grand donations to children’s hospitals. You’d feel rewarded by being good rather than needing to be seen as good.
If you get tired from giving without getting something in return, then the reward for “giving” was attached to the return. In other words, it was ALL about what you got in return. True giving is rewarding all on its own.
And you call yourself a good person for this??
Transactional Giving with Covert Contracts (i.e. people pleasing)
When you expect something in return but don’t say so explicitly (“they should say thanks because that’s the right thing to do”) this is known as a covert contract.
Simply put, you’ve signed them up for a contract that they don’t know about. You’re expecting something in return without making it clear that this is a transaction of value (i.e. your gift in exchange for their gratitude). This means you have lied to them if you gave them the impression that you were just giving out of the goodness of your heart!
This is what we call people pleasing: you please others and let everyone believe that you’re just a good person with a kind heart, but the dark truth is you are using giving as a technique to control how people see you. You are manipulating them into appreciating you, seeing you as a good person, and spreading a positive reputation about you.
It’s all about you!
Now, if you were to say, “I’ll give you this but I expect a big thank you in return”, then you’re actually being healthy and honest. All cards are face up on the table. Nothing wrong with that!
But if you get all shitty with ungrateful people despite not making it clear to them that being grateful is part of the secret deal you have with them, that’s your fault for being a lying manipulator.
Choosing The Wrong People
Now, I don’t want to give the impression that I personally give freely to anyone who crosses my path. While these days I don’t really ever expect anything in return, I do favour people who reciprocate.
Why? Because I want healthy relationships. I’ve learned the very hard way that how people respond to genuine kindness is an accurate measure of their true nature.
In this way, giving can actually be a way to filter who should be in your life. People who use and abuse you without being grateful aren’t worth having in your life. Not because you need a reward or because they don’t give you validation, but because they don’t see you as valuable. They don’t respect you.
If you choose to keep a person who doesn’t respect you in your life, that’s your problem. That’s masochism: you’re harming yourself with this choice. You can’t blame other people for that. If someone puts a bowl of poison in front of you it’s not their fault if you keep eating it.
Sometimes you don’t get appreciation because the other person doesn’t even know you helped. This should be a good thing! It means you improved their life without being needy about getting the credit for it. If you go out of your way to make sure they know it was from you, that shows your true intentions were self-serving, not giving.
And here’s the real kicker for people pleasers: most of the time, the reason other people aren’t grateful is because they DIDN’T WANT YOUR GIFT!
People pleasers are notorious for forcing their help and “kindness” onto people without consent or permission of any kind, and then get mad when there’s no appreciation. You suffocate people with things they didn’t ask for and probably didn’t need, and then punish them with your sulking, all because you didn’t bother to ask them what they really wanted from you (which was probably nothing at all).
Even when someone does ask for something from you, double-check to see if that’s really the best thing you could do. Often people thrive more from being encouraged to sort out their own problems. By giving mindlessly to people, you enable codependency, spoil them, and gaslight them into believing they can’t provide for their own needs.
Giving that doesn’t feel exhausting
If you want to be a generous, kind, helpful and contributing member of society, there is a way to give that won’t leave you feeling tired, resentful, and entitled.
Give freely to good people!
Giving freely means you find out what people really need, and then provide that without trying to get anything in return (remain anonymous if it’s possible).
And choose the people who will make the most of this service. People who are also kind; people who appreciate what they’re given; people who make the world a better place.
As I mentioned, it’s also fine to have open transactions with people. When people agree to give to each other equally, it’s called a respectful relationship. You don’t have to sit around hoping and wishing you’ll be rewarded for being a good little boy. Ask for what you want like a full grown adult.
Stop trying to use fake generosity to make people like you. It’s manipulative, pathetic, and destructive to both your confidence and your relationships. You’ll just end up chasing the approval of the worst kinds of people, and alienating anyone who’s psychologically healthy.
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