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Taking something personally means to assume that a critical piece of feedback or an offensive opinion is somehow directly relevant to you, and presents a threat that you need to defend yourself against. Taking it personally is probably the #1 cause of conflict in relationships, the workplace, and particularly online comments sections and conversations.

In this video (above), we explore what taking it personally really is from a psychological/beliefs perspective, and how to change the way you respond to something healthier, more accurate, and more beneficial to your connections and relationships.

Dan’s Top Resources

Books

Dan has 3 bestselling non-fiction books available in both written and audio form:

• The Naked Truth, his latest release, shows you how radical honesty builds self-confidence and relationships
• Nothing to Lose explores how to build confidence from the inside by correcting the programming in your brain
• The Legendary Life is a very practical, action-focused guide on how to plan and execute a life plan that brings you your ideal lifestyle

Online courses

Dan continues to put out high quality online self-paced courses through the Udemy platform

• Nice Guy Recovery: how to transform from a people pleaser into a confident beast.

• Shamelessness: how to relieve yourself of the “not good enough” story
• Powerful Honesty: takes you through step-by-step development of your communication skills to be more charismatic and powerful in your honesty
• The 3X Confidence and Authenticity Masterclass program: use the famous 3X Model to build confidence in all areas of life
• Financial Freedom for Beginners: includes everything from budgeting, to getting a raise, to investing in the stock market, to starting a side-business and more
• Overcoming Your Fear of Rejection… Permanently!: covers the psychology of “rejection” and what actions to take to make yourself immune to the fear of it

Full transcript (unedited)

Welcome back to brojo online podcast. Today we’re going to talk about the devastating issue of taking things personally, and how you can stop yourself from doing it. I think taking things personally is one of the primary causes of pain socially speaking, for human beings. When you think about the pain you have in any social context, whether it’s your relationships, friendships, family, workplace, and then you take away taking things personally, how much pain is leftover? How much better are your conflicts and arguments going to be if you don’t do this, if nobody did this? How much better would the world function in terms of social interconnection, the thing is taking things personally is not a fate that you’re doomed to live by. It’s not a life sentence, you don’t have to do this. And today, we’re going to look at what it is, why it happens, and what you can do about it. So let me start by trying to define it. I’m defining it in my own way here. But hopefully, this captures the essence of what it means to take something personally, there’s kind of three factors to it. One is, this is about me, that’s the kind of obvious bit right, so the, the information you’re receiving is primarily about you. But it’s not just that, so we could call that taking it personally. But if you feel pleasant about that, we don’t call it taking it personally. So if you receive a compliment, and you think this is about me, you know, take it personally in the way that we often meet the so there’s more to it. So the second part is this is a threat. So there’s information not only is it about me, but it is in some way going to cause me harm either it is causing me harm currently, or it’s designed in some way to cause me future harm, or both. And the third element is the following reaction you have to this conclusion. So once you have taken something personally, the finishing touch is your counter reaction, which is usually aggressive or defensive, urges feelings and behavior. Because we have three parts, this is about me, it’s a threat. And then I’m going to have to counter attacked, or protect myself from whatever I think is happening. Now it’s very subjective, isn’t it? Each person takes things personally in a different way to others. I mean, there’s kind of categories that a lot of people are in. But no two people are exactly alike. There’s something personal about taking it personally, there’s certain things we get upset about. Like if you’re bantering or joking or watching a comedian, there can be a lot of jokes going on that you don’t take personally. And then suddenly, there’s one that like hurts, and you don’t think that’s funny. Now, everybody else in the audience is laughing, you don’t notice that there’s only a few other people that are hurt by that one. And then when you’re laughing at a joke, somebody else next to you, is devastated by it, and getting defensive. So it’s very personal, isn’t it, which already should tell you there’s something fucking wrong with this. This is not an objective truth that we’re working with here. So many people when they get offended and take things personally, they feel quite righteous. Or at least they feel an inevitability, like, I have no choice here. This is objective, this is something I can’t control. This is something that’s justified. My reaction to our feel about this, the art of taking it personally, is really either no choice, or it is the right thing to do. And yet if that were true, why is it so different person by person? Right? It’d be like saying vanilla is the best flavor of ice cream. They do this heat people who don’t think that. So maybe it’s just your own thing. And maybe if you tried a few more flavors, you wouldn’t be so obsessed with one. In which case, maybe that one isn’t even true. I don’t know if there’s the greatest metaphor analogy to describe what we’re talking about. But I want you to start by planting a seed, the things you take personally are your own things. There’s not some objective truth that applies to the whole human race. Sometimes taking something personally can seem reasonable, especially in the case of direct criticism. So if I’m in your face telling you negative things that I think about you criticizing you, you’d feel that it’s quite justified for you to take it personally. It’s of course, that’s about me, right? And of course, it’s bad and threatening, and I’ve got to do something about it. And then there’s other times that really quite inexplicable, like getting offended by a joke that’s not about you. We can see this a lot now on the kind of woke side of things where people are getting offended on behalf of other people or other groups that they’re not a part of, you know, and they’re taking it personally as if they’re the ones suffering, right. They kind of vicarious trauma, like a white person standing up for a black person over racism. Some of them they feel almost as if they’re the ones Receiving the racism, they take it so personally. So there’s these kind of ones where we almost like pick something random to just get really upset about and feel attacked about, even though it’s really got nothing to do with us. So while the first category, there’s direct kind of criticism, or tech might seem reasonable, the second category shows us that we’re actually quite insane, with the way that we do this. They’re the things we get upset about the things that we feel are about us or a personal attack against us. And quite often things we could easily ignore, and nothing would ever happen. So how rational is this whole concept of taking something personally, I want you to question it, because if you’re doing something that’s insane, you should stop. Right? I would think so. But people cling to taking things personally, there’s almost a perverse kind of pride that people have in getting offended by things that they think are about them. And how has it ever served you? Take a moment right now I’m gonna let a moment pass. Think about a time we’re taking something personally, was not only beneficial, but the best possible reaction you could have had he taken money. When’s the last time taking something personally improved your life? Improves Your relationship with other people. Progress your career? When has it ever done you any fucking good? Because there’s the old pattern of adage that’s kind of attributed to Einstein, but I don’t think he said it. You know, if you repeat something, and expect different results, you’re insane, right? So here you are taking things personally over and over again. While hoping one day will go well? Do you really not believe that you have any control over this that this is a fate, you have to take things personally, that’s helpful to do so that that outrage porn that you’re feeding yourself as healthy as it if I was to say to you that there is a way that you can stop doing this, would you think that was a bad idea? We think taking things personally is the best possible reaction, even to say the worst behavior, someone deliberately trying to hurt you and those you love, do you think getting all outraged and defensive, and upset is the best response, the most effective response more effective than anything else you can think of? If so, sign off, I can’t help you. If you think getting outraged by words, is the best you can do. And you want it to be the best you can do you’re not interested in improving on that. Go listen to someone else. So today, we’re going to break it down those three steps I talked about. Step number one, this is about me on the key variable in this piece of information. Step number two, that this is a threat, some way aimed at hurting me or damaging my future success. And number three is because of all these things I need to fight back, or protect myself or both. Right? Start with number one. So this is all about you, is it? Isn’t that amazing that you just don’t ask that question. This is going to solve 90% of you’re taking it personally problems is just prompting yourself to ask this question before you go any further. When you feel yourself getting upset, let’s say you’re in a confrontation with somebody, let’s let’s say the most obvious case that directly criticizing you. You feel like they’re trying to harm you in some way. You know, you’re really sure this is about you. How often do you actually stop to double check? Like, given what I know that everything that’s going on about the person talking to me about the context about what they’re saying? Is this about me? Or is there an Um, is there another more likely assumption? Because when you say this about me, what you’re saying is kind of two things. One is that you are the cause, like you have prompted them or not as prompted them you are the reason that they’re saying these things. Okay? You caused them to talk in this way. And of course, that you are the focus, you’re the main thing being spoken about being spoken to you caused it and is directed at you to assumptions you’re making there. Notice how you never question those never go did I really cause this person to be like this to speak like this? Am I that bigger influence in their life? And even though the you know, the focus party, they’re using my name, they’re pointing at me, they’re talking about things I’ve done. Is that really solid evidence that I’m really the focus here couldn’t be about themselves, for example, or about impressing the audience that were watching us. It couldn’t be about any there has to be actually right at me and only about me. Have you ever stopped to ask that when you’re having your first kind of defensive urges? Here’s the thing I talk about often my clients will laugh, because I’ve heard me talk about so fucking much The Big Bang Theory. And I don’t mean the terrible comedy show. What I’m talking about is the idea of cause and effect and the chains. So let’s say right now, you know, I’m doing this podcast, we’ll call that the effect. Now, what’s the cause of that? I had the idea of doing this podcast. Well, that’s also an effect. What caused that idea? Well, we could go a bit more generic and broader. I do podcasts regularly for my business. So it was only natural, I was gonna think of another one. And I had clients who have this issue. So this topic, combined with my consistency of doing podcasts was inevitable is eventually going to do one on this topic. If I haven’t already, I might be repeating myself. Is that okay? So he does podcasts, and he has clients. But that’s an effect as well what caused that. And when keep doing this, we’re gonna go back through my entire business, we’re gonna go back through before I had a business and all the prompting that led up to me building my own business, we’re gonna go back through all the insecurities and issues I had when I was younger, which has all served as the kind of motivation force for me to do this kind of work. Now, we’re going to go back to what caused me to have those issues or were roped back into my childhood now. And then we’re kind of talking about my parents, in my experiences in the womb, who now we’re going to go well, what caused them to now we’re gonna go through back through my parents entire lives. Now go, well, they had parents too, and other influences what caused those. And it doesn’t take much brainpower to figure out that this is going to lead us back to the beginning. Depends if you’re religious or not, doesn’t actually matter. In this case, whether you think it’s God going, let there be light, or you think it’s atoms exploding and a thing they call the Big Bang or something else. Either way, you end up back at the beginning, every effect has a cause until the initial if things don’t go in a circle doesn’t matter. The point is, how can you be the cause of what that person is saying? What kind of arrogance and grandiosity Are you filled with? To thank you are the big bank? Right? Let’s say somebody comes up to me out of nowhere, I’ve had this few times more online than anything else, where someone just comes out of nowhere swinging at me in the comment section of some piece of work I’ve done just criticizing me saying I’m a fraud, and I’m full of shit and generic blah, blah, blah, you know, he’s going hard on my phone. Who was this avatar? They usually don’t show their real names. But who is this person just having a fucking crack me? And, Mike. Let’s take one I have recently someone just had a go at me in the YouTube comment section, just like common common common common. pretty reasonable assumptions. I’ve only watched the one video that they’re commenting on. So if we say that their videos 10 minutes, and they watch the whole thing, what percentage of their life have I influenced them? We assume that they are fact influenced by me while watching the video and their comments, which suggests that they won’t even really listen to it. So much less than 1% that we can’t even calculate, let’s say they’re a person who’s 30 years old, and I’ve affected them for 10 minutes. I mean, that’s such a small percentage, that we would absolutely dismiss the likelihood that it had any real effect on the development as a person, right? I mean, compare that 10 minute video to like, everything their parents did, and everything their friends done everything they’ve seen in the media. I what impact have I really had? The answer is actually not even a tiny percentage. It’s none at all. They the way they came at me in the comments shows that they were pre loaded, they came with a loaded gun to their video. There is nothing I could have seen in their video. That would have gotten a different response from them. If I was to stay true to my form. Anything about me is obviously upsetting to them from the second it starts playing. You actually see in the comments, they start commenting on content that’s like a minute in and they just commenting as they watch. So they don’t even give me a chance to explain I’m barely got through the intro in this way. So the only logical conclusion is whatever’s causing them to give me this feedback. It’s not actually me. They haven’t had enough of me to really be caused to do anything. And the thing is, it doesn’t mean you know, it has to be Less than 10 minutes or before counts. Anybody doing this? I’d say, let’s say your parents, so people have been around for ages, you’ve had a huge effect on them. Because I’ve known you since birth, you still want and how many years before you were born? Anything from probably like 15 to 30, maybe more than you think you’re the one causing them to be the way they are, their personality was set in stone before you were even thought of what likelihood is it that you’re the cause of the way they are reacting to you? Right? Someone has biases and preferences and all they’re the most likely scenarios or that was set in stone before this interaction they’re having with you, before they gave you whatever criticism you’re receiving, you didn’t actually cause the reaction at all. Let’s say I say something controversial, like I am. I’m okay with people getting abortions, which is true, but I’m not here to fight about it. Now, if you, if you’re anti abortion, you were anti abortion before I said, then your reaction to me saying I’m cool with abortions is predetermined, you actually couldn’t have a different reaction to that, no matter how I said it, or who said it. Your first reaction is whatever it is, however strongly you feel about it, it would have been, you know, outraged through just disagreement that you couldn’t just because I say you wouldn’t be like, I enough, fair enough, if you’re already anti abortion, and if you’re pro abortion, you will be like, right on. And you can’t help that either. So did I cause you to have your feedback, they have the feeling that you’re feeling, cause it just destined to happen if I provoked the information that’s already in your head. And again, remember the Big Bang, that information goes all the way back to the start of time, somewhere in there as the apes that preceded humans, if you’re, you know, believe in evolution, and there’s there’s fish swimming in the sea that had some part in it, there’s start spreading across the universe, I had some parliament, there’s explosions and supernovas, that some way affected your decision. Anything that’s about you, when someone says something, we will come to realize is that nobody has ever, ever said anything that is caused by you. Influenced maybe. But generally speaking, beliefs, personality, preferences, especially preferences. You don’t get a say in somebody else’s. And even if you do is because they let you which really means it was their choice. So when you’re thinking, I caused this person to say this thing, you know, my behavior is the reason they’re speaking now, or your behavior did was flicker match into a box of fireworks, the box of fireworks was already there, you’re just a tiny little match on nothing. They were already prepared to have this response to you. Now, when you say that your focus, you’re implying intent, you’re saying this is aimed at you? Have you ever stopped and thought, why do people say what they say? You know, just think about it for a second, just a general idea. Let’s imagine that the core of it all deeper than the layers of the subconscious. Underneath all the stories we tell ourselves and the assumptions we make about each other deep, deep, deep down. And the Kevin of the mind with a real control center lies. There’s the actual reason that things happen. And so there’s an actual reason why, like, why I’m saying what I’m saying right now. I’ll give you my surface level conscious narratives. I can say I like to do podcasts, I want to help people. You know, there’s support to my business. That’s all the stuff I tell myself. But is that the most likely explanation? Or is that the illusion that keeps me doing shit? For a secret hidden goal of some kind? Maybe it is something noble, I hope it is, you know, like, I feel compelled to do this righteous thing to say what I believe is true. Take my place in the world and do something for good. That sounds more like a narrative to me as well. I think deeper, deeper down. It’s just something about a need for recognition, perhaps wanting to feel like a meta, wanting to feel that there is some meaning in the world. Who knows that could just be a basic biological function of our own talk. I don’t survive as much as other people who do torque or something who knows what’s really driving what I say. But the idea that I’m helping you that this is aimed at you that’s a nice story. I tell myself it might be a story that you Telling yourself as well, but the likelihood that it is the full truth and there’s nothing deeper than that. 0% less than zero, maybe? That doesn’t make sense. But give it to you this way. It’s really obvious when someone else does it. client of mine was having issues with a guy at work, continuous, ongoing issues. And I asked him, you know, why do you get so mad at him about the stuff? He said to us? Because he’s trying to be a dick. Really? That’s what he’s doing? Is he? He’s trying to be a day he woke up. He’s like, right, time to be a dick. Who am I going to fuck with today? How can I make other people’s lives worse? That is my number one priority, can’t wait to get into it. That’s what he’s thinking is he? That’s his motivation. That’s the best you could think of in terms of his motivation. He’s trying to be a day. How often are you trying to be a dick? Right? How often are you trying to be the bad guy who harms people? Compared to how often people assume that’s what you’re doing? Right? Whenever you upset other people, especially if you’re being assertive or going for something that’s for your own benefit in some way, you know, a huge portion of the time people are gonna assume that you’re actually trying to be harmful. And it look inside yourself. I mean, is that ever the case? Are you ever like, I hope someone gets hurt here? Are you like the some evil mastermind, because if you stop fucking listening to me, you know, go run a gang or something. I’m not the right guy to be listening to Oh, Bantay Bernie and shit. I’m not up your alley. hodza why you haven’t time certainly wanted to lash out. It’s very unlikely that you have that cruel, psychopathic streak where you want to be the cause of suffering that you enjoy. They’re very unlikely. So what’s the likelihood that someone else’s? What’s the likelihood that they’re looking at you and going, Okay, I need to make his life much, much worse. How can I do that? How, how likely is it that that many people are evil? Because that’s what you don’t know that’s evil, that cold, rational desire to do harm to others. That’s the very definition of evil. What’s more likely? I’ll tell you what’s more like? What’s more likely is that they have another agenda. Maybe taking the swipe at you if that that is indeed what’s happening, achieved some other goal of theirs, helps their career helps us self esteem, protects them from a perceived attack, often taking something personally as a reaction to somebody else who’s already taken you personally, you know, so that’s already happened, that’s more likely that they’re lashing out at you because they’ve taken something personally. Right? It’s very, very likely that they have another goal, besides hurting you. So as soon as that other goal becomes apparent, then you have to ask yourself, is it really aimed at me? Or am I just a means to an end to my stepping stone to a thing that they’re really aiming it? Where like, if someone’s you know, the kind of person who bullies and banters with people in a cruel way and takes them down, is not really taking down those people who’s trying to achieve a status perhaps, or achieve a sense of self worth, or just live up to a legacy that is abusive father, see and replace what he’s got a grand goal and taking you down. So the idea this is aimed at you, is very unlikely. Another more likely thing as you’re taking something personally, that really wasn’t aimed at you. It’s amazing how often we take something personally where if we saw it with two other people talking and be like, Oh, that wasn’t about them. But when it’s aimed at us to different story, like I talked about before getting offended on other people’s behalf as I should was named to you. Nicely, you want to help people out but all the outrage, you’re feeling that it indicates anything exactly about you. Finally, you’re the one under attack. That’s why I get so out, you know, I get offended by the whole woke thing is it’s just so many people like jumping in on someone else’s fight without being asked. So the use of platforming for yourself, motherfucker, you’re not really interested in helping that Beagle actually being attacked. But let’s not go down that rabbit hole today. So you’ve taken something that wasn’t about you, and you’ve taken it for you. I remember seeing a meme along these lines. A picture of Samuel Jackson for some reason. And it says something like you know, just wanted to say is like, if you’re offended, know that this wasn’t aimed at you. But if the shoe fits, feel free to wear their mother fucker. As it’s kind of right here. Like, how many times have you taken something it was just someone sharing their thoughts, their opinions, their preferences and made it about you? How many times have you noticed other people do that? They say you’re sharing a political opinion with a friend and somebody jumps in like how dare you say they’re so the motherfucker wasn’t even talking You, right? They just take something personally, you didn’t even know they were there. That’s more often the case than someone actually trying to direct something at you. And of course, I think I’ve already mentioned, they already see you as a threat, what you’re taking is criticism or you know, an attack on you say, actually them defending themselves from you, which either means you are threatening them, you have done something that they reasonably should be threatened by, or they’ve misread the situation they’ve misunderstood you have projected their insecurities onto you, just like you’re now doing to them. Either way, you know, taking it personally doesn’t make sense. So if you have been threatening them, then of course, they shouldn’t defend themselves. Or not should perhaps, but if they’re human, that’s going to be the most likely response. We’ll talk about not doing that a bit later on. So if you’re threatening someone, and they come back at you, you can’t be like, Oh, I can’t believe you’re doing this, like, well, you should believe that you can promote it. But if you’re not real, I had no intent to hurt this dude than always coming at me so strong. Like, you know, the example I gave with the person coming at me in the comment section. I mean, I’ve never, ever in my life put out a piece of content with the aim of hurting someone I’ve always had in my mind. Like, if you don’t like what I’m saying, just go watch something else. Always made it like, really obvious what I’m about to talk about and what my views are, what my sort of philosophy is, so that you can bail out as quickly as possible before I step on your toes. So for someone to think I’m trying to hurt them that I’m coming at them differently, a must read. Right? Definitely means they don’t understand me, they’ve made something up about me. Well, it’s a good chance you’re doing that about someone else, when you think they’re focused on me. So when you think of everything I’ve said, before you take something personally with someone, you got to ask yourself, have I removed all the other possibilities? Am I removed the possibility that I’m misreading the situation and misunderstanding them? If I remove the possibility that maybe I’m not the biggest influence in their life and something else is causing this reaction? Or have I removed the possibility that I’m misreading this isn’t actually anything to do with me? Wherever I removed the possibility that my own secure insecurities are creating a sense of reaction to something, it’s actually pretty neutral and harmless. Once you go, Okay, I may have removed all these and this is definitely whatever, then maybe we can move on to the next step. I want to finish with a little story again, my clients will nod because I’ve told this a million times what’s personal one? Auntie of mine and a grandfather. They started having a falling out a couple of decades ago, I guess, was really inexplicable, the whole family was just baffled. As these two sort of went to war. I don’t even I was too young, maybe to be included, deeply. So I don’t know the details of man know, things they said to each other or what they’re in conflict about. I just know there was bad and then split, the family has been rift on that side of my father. So the family’s big rift opened up and people had to choose sides. And I remember my father was like, really uncomfortably in the middle is very stressed out about it went on for like 10 years, slowly escalating, getting worse over time. People stop talking to each other, you know, it’s like one army versus another one army led by my grandfather and other bomonti. And then it started to get really bizarre and people started to cling on to the fact that there’s something fucked up about this, this is not doesn’t make sense. It’s not rational anymore. It’s getting really like weird. And within a very short period of time from each other. They were both diagnosed as having dementia. And it was clear from the testing that they’d had dementia for quite some time. And it was very obvious that the dementia was in fact, the cause of the conflict. They were both imagining and deluded and turned on each other. Just kind of bad luck. They both had the dementia form at the same time, and it kind of ricocheted off each other because they both have very irrational reactions to each other. There wasn’t like a sane one in the interaction. They were both you know, I hate to say the word but they were both going insane. You know, and when we saw that, suddenly, it’s like the wall just gets lifted off your eyes you just this revelation of like, Holy fuck, we’ve been taking things personally and picking sides again really outraged at each other, not just those two, but others who got on behind each other and so on the battle went back and forth. For what it nothing. It was nonsense. There was no battle. We’re finding a war that didn’t exist. And for me, this is like that was one of the biggest epiphany lessons I ever heard about the concept of taking something personally just a realization like she had none of that was even real. We made it all up knowing you know, these two, essentially crazy People made it up first. And we bought into it. Because of their tendency to go, what did you say? What do you say to me to see again, wait, these people saying like, how often does somebody come at you in a really like an unprofessional way, or just an abusive way or kind of where we live, this isn’t going to help our friendship. And you jump ahead and think that they are saying that this is a rational, that what you’re receiving is like a cash deal with the content of what they’re saying, because this is coming from a sane person, something you wouldn’t do with like a homeless guy or raving and ranting about the end of the world on the street, you wouldn’t be able to tell me more. So where’s your evidence? You’re not going to take him seriously. But the person who comes at your word gay, why the fuck did you take my shirt? When you think oh, well, this guy’s saying. So that’s covered. In fact, you don’t even think it you just jump ahead with that assumption. And go Okay, so he’s upset about my shift. So you’re going wherever? Why is this even real? Because this person being this upset about that perceived topic? Does that make sense? Or does it make more sense that this is something else? Yeah, there’s a guy in divorce. There’s a guy have some sort of belief system about owning things get like crazy and things out of his control? Is this really about me? Is it really about what he’s talking about? Was it something else? And this is just like, a manifestation of their thing? Right? Is this just the same demon that he’s always had and just happens to be thrown into this situation this time? Should I be talking about what he’s talking about? I step back and go, Fuck, he’s gone insane. I shouldn’t get insane, as well, uh, we’ll never get anywhere. So let’s say it is about you. Right, let’s say the person’s primary motive is to say this thing to you. And they believe they wouldn’t have said this thing if you hadn’t caused them to save this thing. And all the things we talked about have been eliminated. Like, they’re totally nice with everybody else or whatever. They never do this with anyone else just with you just this time. Say this is a threat. Well, again, there’s assumptions that need to be put aside, let’s say that definitely is aimed at you. Does that mean it’s actually dangerous? Do you need to treat this as a threat? If your boss is having a go at you, is your career really on the line of your partner’s upset was something you did is really like the threat of divorce real right now. What is going to be harmed? What what damage is going to be done? If you don’t respond? Have you taken time to stop and think about that before you respond? In a knee jerk like assumption like this bad I’m going to fix it or I’m going to stop it or a bit hurt them back. And we’re going to do actually need to like is that better than doing nothing? Would nothing be a bad idea? It’s amazing how many people don’t give nothing a chance. You know, it’s definitely something that’s established don’t even need to take a millisecond to think about it. They’ve had a Go Army therefore threat right? Now if it was a child coming in July, I’m gonna beat you up. You’re gonna be like alright motherfuckers throw down. I see him I hear kid you can hear me. Just hold your head up and you can swing and midea any when an adult comes at you with words you like alright, fucking let’s go as if you need to. You know, one of the things that I noticed I don’t have a big profile or anything. If you’re watching this 20 years in the future, maybe I do by now but the time I’m making this I don’t few 100 People are aware of me maybe couple of 1000 at most. What I noticed about internet hate, which is the main force main sort of source of criticism I have in my life very few people seem to say these things to my face, but maybe I’m just not available enough. What makes it disappear is me ignoring it. If I ignore it near hate the thing I’ve noticed that blows my mind is that nothing happens. Nothing happens. There’s no negative side effect not once have I like disregarded an email or skipped over a comment or whatever, and had something bad happened to me. Now of course, there’s online it’s distant and so on, but I’ve had similar experiences in person where it’s rarer, but usually in like a group setting where might be running a free event. So just any old people show up. I haven’t like filtered for the people coming in. I might apparently you know, occasionally get someone who goes against the grain. But I’ve found without doubt, you know, without exception, whether it’s on the internet or in person, if I respond, it always gets worse. Always. It’s like a fire and all I’ve got to throw on it. Is petrol. So it doesn’t matter how I throw the petrol, how beautifully refined the petrol is, how rationally logical that petrol is, it always inflames the more I’ve never had someone come at me swinging on the internet or in real life, and found that it’s like buying into their little game and trying to play it with them isn’t a good result isn’t a better result than doing nothing, at least, me about internet hate is not the same as like someone giving me thoughtful feedback. And they’re open to discussion. And, you know, I’m talking about outrage. I’m talking about people coming at me emotionally. I look at people getting canceled, you know, the whole cancel culture thing. I’ve made content about that before. And I see a trend pattern. The only people actually end up getting canceled are those who are apologetic, or defensive, or those who have actually committed serious crimes, which are very few of the ones who actually getting canceled. The people who are basically majority people getting canceled for either saying things that are deemed to be offensive by anyone. Now or way later, may or were a long time ago in the past. But no matter what’s being said, that’s not the fact of the kids some canceled, you know, it’s how they reacted, how they responded. You know, somebody could say something very mildly racist, and a tweet from 20 years ago, and never work again. Whereas somebody else could say something like massively racist right now, and actually become more successful as a result of the outrage reaction. The differences? Do they get apologetic? Do they get defensive? Right? The people laugh that off the people who double down on it, like, if you’re gonna get offended by that, well, wait till you hear this, you know, other people ignore it. Just don’t get canceled. The audience was always their audience. So just support them. And they just roll on. When you see examples like you know, there’s the classics, the Joe Rogan’s Dave Chappelle, Shane Gillis, these people, everybody’s tried to take them down the classic comedians, which a lot of the canceling is happening in that field. Apparently being funny as bad now. Any of the ones who are just like Lucky dude, I’m gonna keep saying she’d like this. Rolling on, they get bigger and better. You know, Shane Gillis, he gets canceled from Saturday Night Live for being sort of racist about Asians like 10 years ago. It was as a Fuck you guys. It’s bullshit. Now he’s crushing it. He’s in line to be the next goat of fucking comedy. Dave Chappelle gets shut about making transgender jokes. His very next spoken special attacks the people making transgender jokes with even more risque jokes right. Joe Rogan basically just ignored everyone is like hey drive against me Spotify can have some more money in there like you okay right those responses are different to the ones are like actually ever taken out a comedian who did it wrong and then bounce back Louie CK, you know, when the allegations about on came out, and everyone went on me too on him. He just he just broke character. He just went I’m sorry. I was like, Ah, don’t fucking say that dude. And of course, he’s gone for a year. And they stopped saying sorry he started joking Well, why he was canceled and he climbed back up as audience will always have behind him but he led the people aren’t as audience take him down now. The thing is, he treated it like a threat those people apologize and get defensive. They’re behaving as if it’s a threat, which actually is self fulfilling prophecy then make it into a genuinely dangerous thing. It’s kind of like a lion is fine until you Falcon poke the thing. Now it’s going to dangerous animal is not the best example. But similar. If you just walk past the lion cage at the zoo, and don’t open the door, the lions neutral, it can’t do anything to you can just roar. But if you get in there, like what are you focusing on me? You’re like, Look, I’m sorry, I’ve disturbed you. He’s gonna rip you to pieces because you’re in his cage now. And I think that is a pretty good metaphor for getting canceled. While there are definitely times where someone is a threat to you, it is such a small percentage of the times you think you’re being threatened. And the fact that you treat everything like a threat is actually dangerous because you’re not treating the real things like a threat quite often. It’s amazing to me how many people will take heaps of things personally and get all outreach and defensive while allowing abuse to happen and one area of their life. I’ve seen their people have like an abusive partner. You know, they do all sorts of things at work where they just take everything personally and cause drama all the time. Like what did you say? Did you assume agenda whatever, like they’re doing all this shit. And then they go home to someone who’s just pulling them apart piece by piece and they do nothing. So Do you even know what a threat is? Even if it is a threat, taking it personally getting defensive, only plays into the hands. If you react the way they’re trying to make you react, you’re not winning? Yeah, you think, well, there’s a very definition of a successful manipulation is to provoke you into a preferred reaction. That’s what manipulation is, I try to provoke you to behave and feel in a way that suits my purposes. So if you get defensive when somebody’s trying to offend you, bravo, you’ve done exactly what they were trying to do. How do you think that’s winning? How do you think that’s going to be a successful strategy, if they’re trying to manipulate you, and you’re playing along? Think of the great debates and arguments you’ve seen in your life. And what you’ll notice, if you’re being exposed, a decent one says that the winner is actually the one who doesn’t play the game. The one is the one who calls up bullshit, who doesn’t get hyped up and pulled into side stories or, you know, cheap swipes or, you know, little tactics that are full of crap. And they just stay strong and true, you know, and they just go, I’m not fucking playing their game. They just stay strong, strong and true on the point. They might not like when in terms of on the day get the most support, but on the lifetime scale, they end up better off than the person who plays those games. Without question. If you want example, there, there’s a great debate where Stephen Fry and Jordan Peterson, team up against two other people whose names are forgotten to debate the concept of political correctness. Now, I’m not actually trying to make a stance on PC itself, that you want to watch the way Stephen Fry argues. And then all the others are doing baiting and mockery and, you know, provocations and like outrageous statements. He just stays on point with this just like heartfelt authentic integrity spiel. And there’s just gonna be no doubt at the end that the others just look stupid and comparison to him, he doesn’t actually hold his ground pretty well on that one as well. So if you then taking it personally getting all upset playing the game that they’re trying to make you play as a good idea. You’re a fucking idiot. Sorry, I’ve been one before, you got to learn the hard way. I’ve learned that working with criminal offenders, I used to work with some of the most manipulative people on this planet. Predatory psychopathic, sex offenders, murderous gang leaders. These people are very good at manipulation. And one of the things they often try to do is to get you to react to something. Usually, oddly enough, they have favorite technique for a probation officer, I guess, is distraction, they’re trying to get you away from talking about the thing you want to talk about. Because usually the thing you want to talk about is enforcing rules and preventing the reoffending and, you know, getting into the psychology of why they do the fucked up things they do. And obviously, they’re not interested in going down that path. So they’ll throw things at you to try and emotionally distract you. They might try and make you feel sorry for them, they might try and offend you and make you angry. I try and validate you and get you to prove yourself as long as it’s not talking about the shit that they really don’t want you talking about. They’re fine with it. And what I found is, if I could counter that stuff, eventually they’re going to do a thing where they go extinction as it’s known and manipulation talk which is they double down, escalate, get really emotional, or really outraged, get really fucking dominating and quite intimidating. And they go go as hard as they can to see if they can break you. This is whenever you’re dealing with an unhealthy person, this is how they’ll react to setting boundaries. So go to extinction, they’ll just blow up and drag you back down. And what I found was, it’s kind of like holding your breath. If you just keep the calm frame, if you just go like as if they’re not doing it it really like no matter how much they get outraged, no matter how much they raise their voice and interrupt you you don’t you stay calm. You just speak quietly. Like sometimes I’ll be saying something like, look, we need to talk about the boba. And hold on like faco shout out fuck, I’ll just keep I wouldn’t stop. You know, I just finished my paragraph. And I’ll stop like they’ve been listening attentively. I treat them like they come. It only take I think I timed at once the average is about four minutes are really outraged person. There might even be the extreme might be more like two minutes for them to calm down. And then keep it stinking if there’s a word again. But if I maintain my frame, they just couldn’t maintain theirs. So when somebody is behaving in a threatening way to you, the best thing you can do is actually treat them like they’re not. And if you can hold that stronger than they can hold whatever they’re doing. They’re going to feel the psychological compulsion to meet you at your level. various cognitive dissonance it’s very uncomfortable, psychologically, to be in a completely different state to the other person in the room, like V LIVE or notice being in a room, like you’re calm, but the people in the room anxious, and they’re really anxious, it starts to make you anxious, you notice how you can’t just stay calm. Basically, the person who’s more into what they’re doing, and the other person is called frame control, various practices, kind of wins the day everybody else will meet them at their level. Drive for harmony is within all of us even the most antisocial people. So if you can hold, in other words, do nothing. That’s actually one of the most secure things you can do is one of the most safest things you can do to a real threat. And another team to cause as you can just call out the threat. We’ll talk about this a bit more at the end, maybe going into my notes, but if somebody has been threatening with the assure better not just call it as a threat, I believe you’re just saying it to harm me. You know, I believe your I believe the reason you’re saying what you’re saying is to cause me some sort of pain. And I can’t keep talking to you until we deal with your like intentions until you’re intending to like, get a good result for both of us out of this conversation. We can’t talk about that topic, any further words to that effect. And I call it going pit bull, you know, in a pit bull LOCKSS jaws and you can’t like even remove it. Like your jaws on the point that they’re trying to harm you. Until it’s dealt with. No matter what they’re when they’re like, fuck, you know, we got to talk about this, like, we’re not talking about shit. Until we talk about you try and harm me till we get that sorted and healed. He says I don’t care, we don’t care if it takes us the rest of our lives to have this conversation. We’re not talking about anything until we deal with the way you’re disrespecting me to deal with the threat you posed to me. You don’t have to get the words all perfect, like I’m doing now sort of thing. But it’s a great way to deal with the threat is like, just remain calm, do nothing about it. And then if that’s, you know, if you think more needs to be done, just calling it out and putting the spotlight on a very few people can harm you out in the open. They can help you knowing with everyone knowing that it’s happening. And they can’t abuse you if everyone’s going like Hey, that guy is abusing him. You know, and you’re like yes, easy, this is abuse. It’s very hard for them to keep doing it. So call it out until it stops happening. So lastly was point three, the counter attack. Now most likely reactions, we have to come into the conclusion of taking something personally, is we the fume silently. That’s usually like a first like a waiting room for further reactions. We fume about it, stop listening to them at this point, usually or just heart beating our fucking heads. And we either if we’re kind of low self confidence or whatever, we’ll feel ashamed. You know, we’ll feel bad about ourselves for what’s happening. Or counter attack will feel bad about them. And we’ll take it out on them. So fuming shame counter attack, those are the three most likely responses to taking something personally off the top of my head, I want you to imagine something. Imagine you’re in a boxing ring and the other guy is swinging punches going hard. But he’s right on the other side of the runway, he’s in your corner, in your in your corner, and he’s staying on the spot or swinging like a motherfucker. Would you walk into it? Would you go alright, I’ll go over to him then. And just like walk into his fucking range of damage. If you realize he was just planted on the spot, like he wasn’t going anywhere. If you wanted to win the fight when you just wait for him to like tire himself out. You wouldn’t go over there and be like, Alright, let’s take some of these hits. You at least look at let’s see if he’s gonna walk towards me before I can get my hands up. And yet, when we’re in a conversation, someone starts swinging verbally we walk into it we try to call me which I say stuff I know I’m kind of repeating myself from the section before about whether or not you should respond. But you should at least wait for this to actually be something that’s affecting you. And I don’t just mean you feel bad about it but like damages at least now there’s a measurable damage being done in some way as these some hits are actually landing you know, you’re getting yelled at a team meeting and you see people going alright, we’re gonna have to discuss your future at discount like it’s really going somewhere not just someone’s yelling and nothing’s actually happening. So your first response always has got to be no response is very rare. You’re going to be in a situation we had to spontaneously react instantaneously. That’d be a life threatening situation which case we’re not really talking about taking something personally we’re talking about something else. Because you’re taking something personally. Very, very, very unlikely that you need to respond quickly. To pause just fucking pause wait because your initial reaction might be petrol on the fire, you don’t want to make this worse to you. And before you action, you make sure as much as you can, that you’re not about to make it worse, that your reaction is not worse than doing nothing. You got to treat them almost like they’re talking gibberish, you know, we’ve talked about for you take it personally, this is about me, I cause this is me, it’s much more likely that they’re going insane in some way, or you’ve misunderstood them. So, if that were the truth, that they were just talking shit, or they’re actually being totally non threatening, and you’re just taking personally, doing nothing is the very best response. You know, don’t throw fuel on it or don’t start a fire where there isn’t one doing nothing, just let the thing play out. There’s a homeless guy on the street ranting and raving by the end of the world, the best thing to do is not talk to him about it, you are not going to make him behave less. Again, crazy, by engaging in this interaction, you’re going to feed the monster, Ernie. So again, you’re parked at a gas station at a dodgy place and the crackhead starts coming up to your window, you don’t roll down the window like I made me want to talk about that’s not a good idea is it? You give them a window, roll up and go just pump my gears get this motherfucker away from me. And that’s not actually cowardice, that smart, because there’s nothing good that’s going to come from you interacting with this person. What you’re looking for is kind of the lightest touch possible the least intervention possible, the lowest amount of reaction possible. So kind of stoicism coming through here. Whenever a situation aggravates you think what’s the least I need to do about this, let’s at least start there. Rather than jumping straight to what’s the most I can possibly do about us, which is where most people go. Right? When people say something personally, their first things go wrong, like the most damaging to the relationship thing that they can think of doing, you know, here’s a fucking insult back at you, I’m gonna counter accuse you of something unfair, I’m gonna fucking try to take you down from these people. So really your first, your first movers there. So playing chess and like instead of putting a pawn out is illegally take your queen just start smashing all the pieces off the board. So maybe there’s some moves you can make before you try that one, you know, share it, pause take some time, it was the least I can do. I mean, the very least don’t play their game, they clearly trying to play some sort of game with you with you. Deluded a lot about that doesn’t matter playing it doesn’t going to help playing, it’s not the best available move as it what I’ve found is holding the respect frame is the best available move. Right? Like we talked about that in the previous section is the pit bull idea. Like, if you feel that you’re being disrespected in some way, then the disrespect itself is what needs to be dealt with before anything else can be talked about. Now disrespect is one of two things either they are disrespecting you or crossing boundaries that you have set in deliberately behaving or unconsciously behaving in a way that breaches your values. Or you’ve misread the situation of this as disrespect. Either way, the concept of disrespect needs to be talked about. And that’s the only thing needs to be talked about. And that is the best possible and least kind of reactive reaction you can have. You know, refuse to discuss anything else until respectful boundaries are being adhered to the rules of the game have been mutually agreed upon, you know, the code of conduct. It’s kind of like a patient parent waiting for a tantruming child calm down before they talk about things. The kids kicking and screaming and melting down in the supermarket and the patient parent does is just kneel beside them and just hold their arms open and Gail will have a hug when you’re ready. And then we can talk about it. I’m not gonna talk about anything until this is finished, whatever this is, right? Just this idea of like, we’re not, I’m not gonna feed this fire. And we’re gonna walk away either I’m just gonna wait for it to burn out and then we can figure out what’s actually going on. And that’s respect. You’re respecting them. You’re also holding respect for yourself. You say, I’m not going to play this isn’t now I do things. Right? And you’re also keeping that little bit of curiosity open. Like there’s a chance I’m being too sensitive, or I must read something. So this discussion will bring that up fine. Like I say, as someone like before we go any further. I’m feeling disrespected, by the way you’re talking to me. And they go like, Whoa, I wasn’t. That wasn’t my intention at all. Yeah, I was. I thought you wanted this feedback. You said you want feedback, and I’m giving it to you and yeah, like I did ask for their feedback, actually. Why am I up See in your relationship? This isn’t disrespect, right? They actually going by the boundaries. I said, we say that’s really offensive. No, I didn’t know you’re offended by their fair enough. I never told them I was offended by that. How are they supposed to know? That’s not fair. This isn’t disrespect. This is naivety, they weren’t aware of what as a no go zone for me. Now, if I say like, it’s offensive when you say that to me, and they’re like, Oh, you are fucking boo, boo boo, and then they come at you with more of it. Again. Now they’re disrespecting your boundary doesn’t mean it was a good boundary to have but the your boundaries, this respect is a knowledge of your boundaries and then crossing it. They don’t know what your boundaries are, then you can hold them to account for those that’s called a covert contract. And it is fucked up. You can’t do that. If you’re unhealthy relationship. Respect means you treat each other as equals. And you work towards a win win solution peacefully. So until you’re treating each other that way, there’s nothing else to talk about. And there’s the best way to neutralize a threat. Like I said, I’ve worked with criminal offenders who have murdered people who would happily kill me if they thought they could get away with it. I’ve had them going off at me. And when that happens, I just stick to my guns. You know, I’m just like, look, we can talk about anything you’d like, dude, once you start talking to me with respect, right? I’ll wait as long as you need to 15 minutes 20 I know you got a busy day. So it’s up to you how long you want to take, but I got the whole afternoon, dude. I can bring you back in tomorrow, we can start over again. Or we can quickly get to a point we treat me like a man. And I’ll do the same for you up to you, bro. Take your time. Have you ever wondered, well, my fuckable Well, I’m like we can talk about anything do but we haven’t talked about respect yet. So I haven’t got that established. Can’t touch any of those other topics until we I’ve got them on my mind partner ring, a little list here. I’m ready for them. As soon as you’re ready to treat me with respect, we get straight into a break. You know, I’ve had a lot of conversations along those lines, I’m kind of making it up off the top of my head. But this comes from experience, I’m able to say this stuff off top my head because I’ve had to say so many fucking times get used to talking to people out there, whether it’s a child or an animal, like, man, we can talk about anything you want, dude, whatever issue if I’ve behaved badly, I want to talk about it. If you think I’ve crossed your boundaries in, I need to know that or maybe this is something else, I don’t know. But I can’t do while you’re talking to me like this, I can’t do it. If you’re bringing that attitude to the situation, I can’t do it. If you’re shouting, I can’t do it. If you’re going to use name calling and insults, I can’t do it. If you’re going to bring up the past and doesn’t relate to what we’re talking about. I have to wait for all that stuff to finish before we can talk. I’m definitely keen to talk about this stuff. I’m not trying to get out of it. So you just take your time, however long you need, if you want to keep throwing insults, you know, I can wait 10 minutes, it’s all good. I’ll wait for you to run out of breath. If I hefty, but we’re not going anywhere on those issues. You see what I mean? Can you imagine what it’d be like trying to have a go at someone who talk like this? how impossible it would be to keep disrespecting a person who just calmly holds that line with that patience. And with that kind of compassion knowing that, you know, you’re better than us. You don’t need to do it this way. And I’m going to wait for you to get to that state that you can get to I found that was really helpful working with criminals was a treat them like underneath it all. They were a rational, intelligent person kind of thing. And so when they’re having a big random go at me, and they’re being really unreasonable and kind of crazy, and while this is why they’re here, you know, they didn’t behave like this, they wouldn’t go to jail all the time. I just feel like now I think this guy can do better than this. I’ll just wait to see if we can happen. And I found that work even with the most volatile people. I mean, I’ve had guys who like soon as you walk in the room, they’re throwing chairs, punching themselves in the face, you know making threats about going home to get a shotgun all those kinds of people really, really difficult. We were a deal with advisors looked at them like mad at the desk best you go on, I think there’s the most sane and awesome you can be wait around, see if there’s something better. And I’ll express this to them in various ways. And that I found was the best counter attack or, you know, as Marcus Aurelius was quoted as saying, misquote him a bit here is the best revenge is to be unlike him who caused the injury. In other words, best revenge is to not be like that. whatever they’re doing, the best thing you can do as a counter attack is not that right? Be stronger, as a calm, rational, respectful person, and outlast them in doula until they given. Right because even if, let’s say it’s somebody you don’t want to have a long term relationship with or whatever. And this isn’t really by the two of you. Let’s say you’re in a team meeting and somebody else on the team is having a massive go at you in front of everybody. And you just hold that strong firm. They’re like, what are you gonna tell me about the spreadsheet? Man, we can’t talk about spreadsheets at all until you start respecting me. You know, I mean, I don’t want to keep everyone waiting, but I can’t I can’t go into that topic with you talking to me like this can’t be done. No, no apology, not like Sorry, because I can’t be done. That’s fax me. But you know, I’ll wait Nam, I’ve got all day, you know, it’s all good. I get paid either way. So do what you gotta do Brother, get it out, you know, like go. In the end, everybody in the room is going to be on your side witnessing this thing environment and that guy’s got some fucking balls or woman with ovaries or whatever the equivalent does, you know, like, if you’re the one that does not back down doesn’t escalate. And it almost doesn’t matter what’s being spoken about you will be perceived as the winner because the truth is you are the winner internally. You didn’t buy into the bullshit, you didn’t let yourself become insane. You didn’t take it personally. So conclusion. And check my notes here. The key is to stop begging the question, Is this about me stop skipping over that question. Assuming it is and look for more likely explanations first, as soon as things get heated or you feel emotional about what’s being said, stop and go, Okay, what’s the more likely explanation for what they’re doing or saying, then it’s about me. You know, drawing, being compassionate about their their malfunction, their insecurities, your own insecurities, you know, you taking it personally, is unlikely to be an accurate, reasonable reaction to what’s happening. Take some time with yourself like okay, I got a tendency to get worked up about this shit. I’ve learned my lesson so many times before, that’s probably not about me. Just take a moment just breathe. This is you getting triggered with the bullshit fuckin wounds, traumas, whatever it is just take a moment, get over it. And then think again, what else this could be. That’s 90% your problem solved. If you can do that step properly, you don’t need to worry about other steps because they will solve it. You’ll either see that no matter what the person is saying that this is their problem. Or you’ll see that you misunderstood and nothing bad’s actually happening. Either way, the response is the same. Just be respectful, and demand respect and return. Even if it is about you and those rare occasions when someone’s actually trying to harm you. Always keep in mind as for a grander goal, you’re not the end game, you’re just a piece on the board that they’re trying to move around reacting tour, it’s not going to help counter you know, trying to play the game, you got to assume they’re better at you at the game they’re trying to play. I found that was the most helpful assumption I could possibly make working with criminal offenders. Now, granted, in that case was very true. I was being manipulated by the very best people had nothing to lose who are Masters of Applied Psychology. They might never read a book but they could read your mind. If I was to try to play them manipulate, counter manipulate something. It’s like me playing chess against the Grandmaster so far out of my league, that they would actually have me believe I was winning as I was losing. You know? So I found is better to play the role of like, white belt like, I’m not going to fight you because I can’t Are you going to work my ass so I’m gonna avoid this fight? You know, I mean, I don’t mean I back down. What I mean is I’m not fighting. We’re not fighting. I’m not good at this. I just this kind of like, humility about my naivety. For example, if I’m with someone, and I feel like maybe they manipulate me, instead of me trying to counter that, I’d be like, Look, dude, I think you’re manipulating me, you might even be doing it successfully. So I’m gonna go have to make some phone calls to double check what you’re saying. And like, keep myself safe. And that was amazing how often something like that would be like, Fuck, this guy is actually going to keep an eye on me. I can’t do this shit. You know, somebody who says, oh, you know, I got a job. Yeah, just like you said I should I went and got a job on spy boy, you said, as a you know what? I feel like you’re using flattery to distract me. So I’m gonna go ahead and call that job that you see that you got and make sure it’s legit. You know? I mean, how are they going to manipulate my responses I there or are bought a colleague in today, because I felt like maybe you’re manipulating me in the last session. So I’m going to get them to watch to see if they think that’s happening. You know what I mean? Like, I will just not try to win. I just know that I’ve lost and behave accordingly to protect myself. Treat them like they’re insane. Until they act sane, right, of what they’re doing is harmful. Doesn’t make sense. Isn’t a benefit. Anyone assume that they’ve lost rationality, no matter how articulate they might be speaking, and how good they are with their words, or how reasonable some of their points might be. I feel like this is hurting our relationship the way they’re talking me. Y’all start with like, that’s not the best option. Like they are not functioning at their highest level right now. They may in fact, be malfunctioning, but high functioning malfunction, whatever that means that they might be able to survive in the real world being like this. But they’re not actually doing well. I’ve seen this a lot like when the what sort of programs like Kitchen Nightmares with Gordon Ramsay in such programs were very diluted, very fucking poorly functioning people somehow run a business. And that sort of gives you a sense like people can do quite badly psychologically and still get along in life. You’ve worked with them before you’ve been friends with them, you might even be one of them yourself. You know, we have severe mental illness and personality disorders and not end up in a psychiatric hospital or in prison and just have a normal job and live a life and somehow struggle and survive through each day. It’s almost like inspiring that they fucking survive at all. Like, how did you tie your shoes, you’re so fucking crazy. Like, there are people out there, a lot of them. A lot of people out there, kind of like high functioning crazy. And so you got to start treating everyone like they’re sane and rational, like what they’re saying makes sense. And, you know, they’re what they’re saying is actually what they mean and so on. It’s, especially once somebody gets emotional, it’s very unlikely someone’s getting worked up and having a go, whatever the most likely thing is that whatever they’re saying is not what they’re really saying, like this person’s lost it. So you should react accordingly. Like, okay, I’m gonna stop, like getting tied up on exactly what they’re saying. Try to figure out like, what kind of crazy shits going on underneath. And that will help you realize it’s not about you, because it never fucking is about you. Rarely, like never, not once, not once has it been about you every single time you’ve taken something personally, you’ve been wrong, every single time. And even if I’m not correct about that, that’s still the most helpful frame to take. To assume like your first reaction and taking it personally is the least helpful reaction you could have. That’s always true, really. So instead of fighting back, you call out what you believe is happening, the harmful intent, you might have to take a loss of face, but you got to be the calm in the storm, you know, play the long game of winning your own integrity, for being the person you admire in these situations, rather than the person who wins the debate. Think that even if you’re interested in external outcomes, like your reputation, the long term if you’re always perceived as a person who doesn’t lose their shit, and doesn’t take things personally and has compassion yet respect for themselves. In the long run, you’re going to come off better off even if you lose a few debates. I hope that helped. If you want to do more of this kind of work, you want to really nail this kind of level of confidence, get in touch dan@brojo.org and we can work together on it. Thank you so much for listening. watching. I’ll see you next time.