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How to Manage Being Judgmental

We are all judgmental, it’s wired into our basic cognition. However, sometimes it’s helpful (like choosing your breakfast) and other times it’s not (like ignoring someone who could be a great friend).

For more support, contact Dan at dan@brojo.org to inquire about coaching and other resources.

 


Full transcript (unedited)

excellent alrighty welcome along III in whoever else shows up today um the in judgmental that’s something that it’s at the heart of so much suffering so I figured it’s about time we did a whole whole thing on it and we’re gonna define it we’re gonna have a look at why it happens like what is the psychology behind judgment what is judgment what’s going on in the brain as it occurs we’re gonna have a look at the effects of it so after it happens what does that do to you what does it do to your life what does it do to your relationships maybe we even get into what it does to society but I’m more more interested in the relationship between being judgmental and low confidence or poor connections with others and I think it’s really important to start with it is impossible to be completely non-judgmental okay there is really nobody who has that level of control over their subconscious brain because being judgmental is just the outcome of a process that everybody has where the brain tries to clarify and understand information it’s receiving brains doing that all the time it’s simplifying the [ __ ] cacophony of stimulation from reality into simple chunks that you can understand and it’s from that process that judge judgment comes in and I wanna start with admitting that I’m judgmental you know and oh well I’m gonna share how I’m judgmental I want you guys to ever think about who do you judge or what kind of behavior you do you feel that you’re judgmental towards both in yourself and others and please feel free to share then in the group chat if you have you open about it you’re willing to share so I I made a little list before you’re started of who I judge where I feel judgmental towards I start with the easy ones that make me look noble and they’ll get into the ones that make me look like the bastard violence and sexual offenders I don’t mind violence if it’s a sport and everybody’s agreed on the rules I’m even okay with violence if both people have sort of signed up for it but I hate his violence with a victim and sexual offenders I can’t help but feel that I’m a better person than they are okay so that’s my judgment their selfishness and revenge you know I get it like if I see someone who gets stuck in the wrong lane and traffic and the other people won’t let them and be like haha [ __ ] you you are in the wrong lane that’s kind of taking their revenge out on this person you know that kind of behavior I judge that as negative and selfishness with someone has a choice of doing something that’s good for themselves and everyone or just for themselves and they choose just for themselves you know I judge their noting of course that except for sexual offending I’ve done all of these things right probably recently a new ones come up thanks to the invention of social media is contrarians [ __ ] talkers trolls but particularly people that disagree for attention so people like I get there with my own work when somebody disagrees with me oh I’ll have one or two feelings if I’m curious that’s probably because they’re disagreeing with the intention of discovering the truth I can feel that in tension with the way they write or the way they talk to me but when they disagree just to disagree they don’t even care whether or not they actually agree they’re just trying to stir something up that I get like a heat you know I get a temperature around their shirts do recycle’ I judged people who are overly materialistic especially the capitalism style of materialism like crush everybody to make money I judge their I judge companies that have ethics based on their

misogynists and other bigots anybody who classifies a group of people and says they’re worse than me ironically that’s a judgement so here I am saying sexual offenders as a group are worse than me and then I judge people who categorize people as a group and say they’re worse than me right so there’s lots of hypocrisy in my judgments people there have what I call conservative psychologies and that isn’t political conservative I mean conservative is and unchanging and not open to new information not willing to be wrong like fundamentalists religious people are anti science conspiracy theorists people who resist against any new information I judge them and see them as somehow maybe less intelligent than me or something I have some story about them

so essentially what you’ll notice in my lists which probably isn’t the fullest but it’s here is the stereotypes I’ve created groups of people that I judge so I’ll say somebody is a violent offender and they’ve gone to this category with all other people have committed a violent offense as if there’s no difference between them and the funny thing is I judge people who do that we’ve put people on a big category without any nuance so I judge people who do the exact same thing that I’m doing no but that’s judgment there there you can see like my brain is trying to stereotype completely mutual process where it tries to put people into groups I can understand the world better but then I start to give value to that group negative or positive because judgments can go positive as well you know I might say I judge top athletes positively I think of them as good people yeah you know look at Lance Armstrong they could be sociopaths but if I have this judgment top athletes are good then I put him in the category of all these good people even though he’s a scamming bastard right so lots of just grouping and categorizing and then the attributing value to the group this group is good or bad better or worse so so who do you guys judge you know if anything comes up she written that and the group chat there feel free to can’t be open about it we’re all judgmental you’re not going to be anybody says that is they aren’t as basically saying they don’t have the human functioning of stereotyping so the only person I think you could say accurately that they don’t judge is somebody whose brain damaged and they literally cannot judge they cannot attribute value to someone’s behavior or to a group of people you see the thing much of what I judge it just predictions my own undesirable behavior absolutely you know there’s an old sort of cliche which is you hate in others what you see in yourself something along those lines and that’s really common like if someone starts people-pleasing towards me it really pisses me off you know because I’m seeing what it looks like I’m being reminded of what I used to do what I sometimes still do you know and it’s I don’t like being reminded of that yeah absolutely Christian I judge bullies and people who constantly take advantage of others or weaker people that was a common one actually if you the classic nice guy we get really upset by unfairness by inequality socially and bullying is a big one now often because we’re being bullied you know so it’s a sympathy kind of judgment but also the idea that we’ve got the sense that there’s something wrong with the fairness system in the world and bullying is like an example of that especially because the bully often just gets away with it and goes on to live a reasonable life there’s no punishment you know it’s not like in the movies where the bad guy dies at the end quite often in real life the bad guy lives to 80 and then dies of old age he’s fine and he’s rich at the end of it you know and we really struggle with that so we see people is kind of winning when they shouldn’t be winning as something wrong I mean negative they’re a bad person for doing it yeah you know you have people – slowly driving too fast anything different – what we want exactly this is a great example of judgment can basically be this person isn’t exactly what I want he isn’t my preference so the isn’t that perfect middle can go into good or bad so somebody dryers exceptionally well anything oh that’s a better person than other people and everybody else who almost cannot meet your standards are worse people too slow too fast it doesn’t matter what they do it’s not right you know so the three beers with the porridge or whatever Goldilocks here

Angie anything to do with animal cruelty sends me crazy yeah some of the ones we get ones that pain being inflicted you know and you can you can probably just intuitively sense the biological drivers of that anybody who’s overly destructive there’s a threat to the tribe so we’re going to come up through our through our genealogy we’re going to come up distrusting suspicious of people who are overly destructive and wild and reckless which could translate to criminals or animal cruelty I suppose it’s the same thing people are big they’re kids in public anything will be like you’re upsetting the the harmony here you’re a risk to us all can create a huge emotional reaction as you look at people that you judge once you start thinking about why what do you mean by judging them what’s the story you attach so Angie what’s the story you attach to someone who does an act of animal cruelty what do you tell yourself about that person beyond what they did you know person people who brag why is that something you judge what is the story you tell yourself about they’re bragging what’s the kind of psychological profile you create of the person you know because that’s the judgment process it’s not just having an emotional reaction to behavior the judgment process is then what you tell yourself to explain the reaction I feel this way the COO you know the guy cut me off in traffic that’s essentially a neutral piece of behavior a car moved across a lane that’s all that happened then you get the anger reaction then you go he’s a selfish dick it and that’s the judgment but to Dino is just reality somebody confront me I was angry and then there he’s the selfish dick that’s the extra but that’s judgment you’re putting him into a category you can understand I that’s a selfish dick category lots of them out there we hate them all you know it helps us understand the world so what does judgment attaching a narrative to a person and that can be yourself I failed at the test because I’m a loser notice how you can categorize yourself like there because I’m not good enough it can even go to arrogance you know I did well at the test because I’m smarter than other people yeah there’s no evidence that your intelligence is actually greater than the people in the room the test could have been biased in your favor the judgment is they’ve made up story but with no evidence so kina says story who is this person will says psychological profile you create explaining their behavior you know and yourself as well that’s doing this weird thing can you guys just all stop your videos and start them again just gone weird on my side just needs a riester thank you so there’s different versions of of this narrative who they are their past you know assumptions about their story their personality the culture their upbringing you know you might say see somebody engaged in what you believe is racist behavior and you say oh it’s because they’re stupid it’s because they come from X part of town you know that’s because because because stuff about their past that kind of brings them to this point you like this was this explains why they are like this now you know the reason you know it’s a judgment and non assessment of facts is because you haven’t actually investigated this you’re making it up okay or you’re taking effect and you’re turning it into a story so this person’s from the South Islands therefore they are a bogan so you’ve taken this fact they’re from the South Island which often you’re not even sure of you just made that up beat as well and then you’ve added this like psychological profile to they’re not allowing them to be an exception to the rule or anything in them but I think the big one when it comes to judging is assumptions around their intentions the story tell yourself about why they did it and this is where the anger comes through I remember I had a client he was a really struggling with the scaleless work who I don’t know sort of interfered with his attempts to work or something like that and he said um I just doesn’t cuz he’s trying to be a dick I said stop for a second who’s trying to be a dick what’s the likelihood that that’s the reason somebody wakes up ago as I write how can I be a dick today who does their really because I know top criminals that don’t do that they’re not trying to be a dick they’re trying to do something else they just end up being a dick and it was amazing it was that story that pissed him off so much about the guys like this guy’s actually trying to hurt my life he’s trying to harm me we later found when he had a discussion with the guys the guy was actually trying to help he just wasn’t doing it very well but the intention this person was trying to hurt me that trying to cause harm they’re trying to be bad so often the story we tell ourselves without any evidence we just work backwards from the behavior we didn’t like and say there must have been trying to do something I dislike therefore they’re attacking me personally yeah this is a personal insult Angie’s latest example like tagging targeting someone or species at submissive that won’t fight back you can hear the backstory in that this person’s trying to hurt someone weaker than them

and it seems obvious when you look at baby like that’s clearly what they’re doing case closed needs you’ve done no investigation into it it just popped into your head story you know when I see someone say there’s anti vaccines you know that’s one of my sort of trigger ones it’s like they’re trying to destroy science is that really what they’re trying to do they wake up going how can I kill science today probably not they probably think they’re doing something good Noble wonderful but I don’t go and find out the way and I ring up my anti-vaccine friend and go what are you doing with genuine curiosity I hang on to my judgment instead me versus them you know once we unless we then make a value assessment based on what they did and all the assumptions are made about them are they good or bad are they better than me worse than me better than others worse than others and I am I good or bad they’re quite often in ranking someone good or better we automatically judge ourselves as worse or bad so every time you look up to someone you’re doing so from a downward position you wonder whether not good enough story is and you’re like envying people all the time and jealous of them I feel so not good enough so here comes the grand view putting them above you which means you’re down so there’s value judgment there’s this person what’s their worth here this person who cut me off and traffic that how worthy are they of life you know compared to me do we need this person on the planet I’ve actually heard am bill bill is talking about it at the comedian thing that in the way people there’s no matter how old problems the world can be solved by just like cutting the population down by about two-thirds he just thinks of the people there like his story if he gets the subway and there’s somebody who’s never ordered the sandwich before and they’re asking about the different types of brain he’s stuck behind me just wants to kill himself he’s like we don’t need this guy we’ve already got this guy stop making this [ __ ] guy and that’s the kind of value thing like someone in front of you in your way doing something you don’t like doing something you hate and you think this person isn’t as worthy of life as others they aren’t as worthy of attention love space acceptance as others and it’s often all judgement is judgment is just value assessment you’re trying to figure out what’s worth it what isn’t which is great if you’re a hundred thousand years ago tasting berries trying to figure out which ones are poisonous which ones aren’t or you’re hunting in the Savannah you’re trying to what’s a good hunting area and what isn’t that’s where being judgmental really helps you know lots of lions over there lots of gazelle over there that’s a better place to hunt right or this tribe kills their babies for fun the strivers neutering and loving does have been a tribe to be in right quite sensible judgements in terms of your survival and enjoyment of life now we get to the hey someone cut me off in traffic that guy deserves to [ __ ] die doesn’t make quite as much sense anymore he might be rushing to the hospital for example well maybe you’re the one who made the traffic era and you just didn’t see it well maybe you just need to chill out about traffic because everyone’s gonna get there eventually it’s not as clear-cut as it once was perhaps it isn’t life or deviant we react in the same way a person should live or die you know and quite often we project them into the future don’t we we go okay if this person’s gonna be like this let’s extract like that as they go on to Rick the world well they’re going to be this great leader whatever as we judge we be looking about the past and the prison the future will create this whole mess of image of them to assist the worth

like I said what makes us judgemental it’s not based on verified facts strong evidence logical reasoning it’s based on emotions assumptions biases guesses interpretations stereotyping all the way through to bigotry hardened beliefs you might see a small piece of behavior but to take there develop a whole life story for someone hugely unscientific even like like where I started having to like face my demons with this is when I worked with child sex offenders whom I judged as being the worst type of person in the world and then there was this guy who was in jail for sleeping with a 15 year old girl he was on his 30s and he said if you’d meet her at the nightclub with her fake ID you wouldn’t have thought twice and I thought hmm that’s interesting now he could just be [ __ ] manipulative but I dug my eye in my mind the idea that like in his world he wasn’t doing anything wrong where the he was misguided or deliberate doesn’t matter in his world he was doing something right and start opened my eyes the idea that like when somebody say offends against a child they may not actually be thinking how can I harm this person they might be thinking something else and if they are thinking something else how does that changed my view of them because I was already able to do that with a lot of criminal offenders like I work with some guys who stole like a I know one guy stole like five cars a day as most prolific thief in West Auckland he was responsible basically 80% of all car crime in with one guy incredible guy and he did it for two reasons one is he was addicted to me and this is how he supplied his habit and the other was because he had the story in his head about basically life’s be incredibly unfair and everybody’s got an advantage over him basically these people with these cars are rich and they’ve come by that richness unfairly he is kind of like [ __ ] up meth head Robin Hood you know stealing from the rich and giving to rich gang so he could give me if it wasn’t quite the pure story but in his head he was [ __ ] noble he’s doing good deeds he was Nelson Mandela in his head as I well if I thought like that then I would do the same thing but when I first heard that he was still in cars I just thought he was a slight callous [ __ ] who liked hurting people it doesn’t give a [ __ ] about other people’s feelings he did he kid a lot about the feelings of his friends and his gang members and his drug buddies they didn’t care about this category he called rich people he thought of them as evil and that’s why he felt no remorse and stealing their property just like I’d feel no remorse in rebelling against a dictatorship and killing their soldiers I’d be like well you’re soldiers of the devil you signed up for this he had that same sort of thing but until I asked him about it I wasn’t aware of what the actual story in his head was I don’t know something else and as time went on I came to see that everybody’s got a story like that for shitty things that they do the guy cuts me off from traffic has a good reason for doing it it’s a good reason by his standards not mine but is here that’s good froze up for a second yeah you guys can see me all right yeah he doesn’t die question from Eng I’m curious if we don’t know why if we don’t know the story they tell themselves makes a baby okay and what wouldn’t example if someone hurts babies or animals okay I can give you an example of someone who hurts babies there is a psychological disorder called Munchausen by proxy and essentially it’s really difficult to understand because it’s just very crazy but essentially you use children to get attention that’s the underlying principle so the by proxy is use children to get positive attention for yourself now this can be as mild as somebody who’s like a pressure parent it makes their child excel at a sport so that you know they could reap the glory but I once worked with someone who was also borderline personality so they’re borderline a Munchausen by proxy if you understand psychology ends down talking about one of the most difficult people on the planet at this point now what she used to do as a lot of them do is harm children to get attention for example she threw her baby out of a window just so the police would show up in her mind and her world that’s really hard to comprehend she is all that’s real babies other people animals they’re just like so playing a computer game none of the matter they’re just they’re just bystanders in her world in order to confirm that she’s real she needs attention she craves it she used to do very sadistic acts of self-harm just to get our attention like I won’t explain the stuff to you but it was [ __ ] disgusting that she would do just to make sure that we you know because we had to respond to a severe self-harm and in her world she’s like a goddess and the rest of us are her slaves and if we don’t obey she punishes us if we don’t pay attention she punishes us and we’re all just like pieces on on a game we just to be moved around as she see fits as she sees fit the way you feel about moving around furniture in your house to make it look better she moves around people in a similar way manipulates them harms them she feels no remorse or guilt about this because just like you don’t feel bad about moving your chair from one room to another you know feel bad for the chair that’s how someone can think that’s how bizarre someone psychology can become and you’ll have all have done little bits of it yourself maybe fired someone once because I was better for the company and you’re able to just see them as just an asset to the company that can be removed you’re able to dehumanize them a little bit in order to to make their move yeah what someone wasn’t looking he cut in front of them and the cue because you’re in a rush texia it’s a small element of the same type of thinking I have a need that’s greater than this person so I objectify the person in order to fulfill the need without guilt we’ve all [ __ ] somebody over for our own needs she just does it the dials all up to ten and she does it all the time she can’t comprehend a world where people are actually real

somebody who harms animals they could be psychopathic they can be burnt inside with so much rage and hatred as far as they’re concerned their mission is to inflict as much pain as possible to exact revenge for the injustice that they’ve suffered at their own hands for the hands of others when I say they have a good reason I don’t mean a positive reason I mean a reason that makes sense to them makes perfect sense just like every shitty thing we’ve ever done made perfect sense to us at the time even if just seconds later we regretted it at the time we did it we’re like this is the thing to do why we have a story that made a sense of it so I’m not saying they have a good reason they will think it’s a good reason or that we’ll even understand it what I’m saying is okay so I just saw Android drink water that made sense to him to do that there are people who harm babies with the same sense of sense they like drinking water harm baby makes sense to them that’s the same right yeah often one follows the other thirsty work I guess go on getting dark now but the point being is we don’t we can’t comprehend the reason so we give our own reason I would only do that if I only cut someone off in traffic if I wanted to hurt them you know I would only beat an animal if I was a [ __ ] evil person it’s the only way we can comprehend you know uncomprehensible behavior and then we attach that story to them okay I’d have to be evil to hurt an animal so therefore that person is evil okay it’s kind of like a reasoning we use rather than the more likely reasoning they have brain damage and poor prefrontal lobe control and that’s why they harm animals well we haven’t done the brain scan here boy we’re just so evil case closed yeah there’s not to either say that eventually one day we’ll get to a point go okay that’s the all behavior is therefore neutral and good it’s not about their because this isn’t really about people who kick animals and babies people who cut you off in traffic so the people in your lives that matter the people you could be in relationships with whom you’re not because of your judgments and more importantly it’s because the relationship you have yourself if it’s not good I guarantee you it’s because of being judgmental judgemental being the opposite of acceptance of just it is what it is I’ll let it be doesn’t need to be fixed let’s have a look at why judgements happen remember you can put your questions and statements and that in there check box here no I’ll speak to those essentially a judgment is reacting to what you consider to be different you see something that is not what do you think you do which isn’t the same as not what you do it’s not what you think you do and because of sort of ancient tribal fears basically we react as if it’s a threat that’s different as threatening to me that’s better than me it’s threatening cause it’ll take away resources and things have long to me and if it’s worse than me it’s threatening me because of harm and damage so when we judge someone once we get to better or worse we’re trying to find out as this person a threat because they’re going to have greater access to resources or are they a threat because they can cause me harm and take my resources by force so we do comparison mediums all the time aren’t we you were always bouncing people off each other who’s better than Who who’s nicer than who who’s good person who’s bad person you know and then we are one of those people and involved in that comparison you know better than them or worse than them I’m better than the homeless guy I’m worse than the rich guy we’re doing that all the time that’s kind of where we sit because people above us are threatening and people below us or anything we need to know what kind of threat we’re dealing with how we manage that threat so we ingratiate ourselves with those above us hopefully they’ll share their resources if we’re nice to them and we avoid or dared or even fight against people below us right I won’t hang out with the homeless guy you’ll steal my [ __ ] that’s what these value judgments kind of why we don’t we’re trying to figure out who should we be spending our time with who’s not a threat Christian says I’m Jean only accepting of behaviors of others but when it comes to loved ones family friends girlfriend and a hard to leave my emotions and judgment aside you know being judgmental with them driven by my beliefs assumptions I bring ya often we get most affected by certain categories of people don’t we and for a lot of people that’s ones closest to us a lot of people are worse with their family than they are with strangers why because the vulnerability with family family are the ones who can hurt you they’re the biggest threat stranger doesn’t agree with your political beliefs or does something stupid you just walk away from them it’s fine but if your mother hates you and you have to live with their crushing so there’s a threat and the threat these days is largely emotional isn’t that we don’t have to worry that someone’s tribe is gonna come and you know steal our cattle and then our woman you know it’s not like that anymore but they might say something that hurts up feelings they might do something physical or otherwise it harms us well they might you know take something that we believe is ours it becomes quite sort of metaphysical almost you know someone steals your girlfriend well nothing actually got taken you just preferred someone else but the story in your head was something was taken from me it’s a very kind of subjective story it’s basically as simple as looking down on others or looking up to others remember their key principle what makes a judgmental not based on verified facts strong evidence or reasoning based on assumptions emotions biases cognition that’s kind of faulty because we need to meet a value to determine if I’m valued it’s dim in the threat to well value we start looking for things that we’ve kind of been trained to think evaluable like skills if someone is better at a sport than I am they’re better than me generally they kind of extrapolation we do someone’s good at something that I like automatically place them on the better than me in general category you know some people get a bit starstruck when they meet someone who’s at the top of their field you know I’ll see people on dancing all the time or too scared to dance with the instructors this is kind of like worship happening same people disdain dancing with beginners people aren’t as skilled at a worst person to me I’m going to talk to them right

resources someone who’s wealthier than me and whatever it is that I’m measuring there’s better than me someone else is worse so if I’m particularly needy about having a partner then everybody’s got a partner who’s better than me doesn’t matter how good their relationships going doesn’t matter like how well they’re living how much integrity they have they went because they got a partner and I want mine right well they’re a millionaire and I’m broke therefore they a better person than me no assessment of how they came about those million dollars how they spend it how they treat people in general doesn’t matter I’ve seen their bank account case closed that’s being judgmental yeah and notice that’s almost always got something to do with you it’s all of us compared to me some people only look upwards so everybody below them they get this kind of patronizing comfort with like I love everybody below me because there’s no threat there so I will go talk to the homeless personally are you alright you a good boy today like that’s kind of like the little children to me you know but then you meet the president and she is shaking oh my god they [ __ ] us up right you know they’re all just mean sex with skeletons they’re all just primates walking around but what the story adds to them changes our emotional reaction and luck have you noticed how you judge people as luckier than you you can judge them as either better or worse someone who’s particularly good-looking perhaps ah such a snobby [ __ ] just cuz they look good okay you’re concerned about your own locks you know well someone who’s naturally gregarious and extroverted so they just always populo they can’t help it anything are so superficial their little story you tell yourself to kind of pat yourself on the head and say it’s okay you know there are they’re a dick don’t worry about it oh you judge yourself is how I’m worse than they are that they deserve that good luck and I am unlucky because I I’m a magnet for negativity and something inherently wrong with me a toxic shame you know I bring this about it deserves this punishment all these value measurements the infections that you create yeah and a lot of it it’s about translating an emotional reaction into a narrative I feel this way how do I explain that feeling right get a feeling of jealousy how to explain it this guy’s trying to take something of mine it’s a three now I understand it that’s where my jealousy is this guy that’s gone looking at he’s the reason this evil bastard talking to my Gil you know because you’re not like a psychiatrist I can go back through your here and go well actually you’ve got some damage in the parietal lobe caused by something leak that you suffered and it gives you a jealous reaction whenever you perceive someone to be oh you don’t get to have that kind of insight you just go this guy’s taking my [ __ ] alright can you just have that story to go with the emotion someone cuts you off in traffic you get angry and you get this guy’s [ __ ] dick rather than actually I haven’t been balancing my life very well and I’m I’ve got high cortisol levels and I’m susceptible to irritation at the moment you don’t tell yourself that story right so is that he did something to me straight away and then you believe the story oh my god I feel this way their behavior happened therefore case closed you know

ultimately this kind of being judgmental it’s two types of things there’s been judgment on being aware that it’s being judged me at all and kind of correcting it and then there’s a case closed style of being judgmental where you go look I’ve seen enough I’m not going to look at this any further you know so if you take like a racer style of judgmental you guys open to is like look I think all black people are criminals by god there’s one black friend that he’s not a criminal so maybe we could talk about this the case closed style of racist all black people are criminals lock them all up shoot them who gives a [ __ ] I’m done so we’re always going to be judgmental it’s like which type are we gonna be we’re gonna be the one that’s open to having to being corrected by evidence or correcting ourselves well we’re gonna be the one that just shuts the case you know we they’re racist one and there’s potentially you know thousands of people with dark skin who could be a great friend for us so we’re just going to close off that opportunity stick with the judgment or we can open the door and have another look the thing is though if you don’t agree that you’re judgmental you can’t look at any of the stuff if you don’t want to believe that you’re judgmental then you I’ve got to do anything about any of us the door will be closed on even examining being judgmental itself you know because I think that the most important aspect to all of this is if you’re judgmental towards anyone then you’d better believe you’re equally hard on yourself it’s kind of like a light looking at things I mean there’s nothing to look at it turns around looks at you you notice that when you’re alone there’s no one else to judge it doesn’t turn off it just finds the only person in the room to judge and it goes to work I’ve got some theories as to why this happens it’s a couple of things they come up with my clients when I always question them when they judge themselves I’m like why what’s the benefit why do you do it one is people believe that harsh judgments are motivational some part of myself I tell myself I could have done better wasn’t good enough am useless that will motivate me to do better there is no study in the [ __ ] world that backs that up telling someone that they suck at something is not motivational telling someone they could have done better is not motivational there’s no science behind their encouragement praise is

recognition that is motivational you can see productivity levels rise for that style of management and that Christian sees you you also encounter people that never judge themselves for their actions there’s a difference between judging in assessing remember judgment no strong evidence no facts no reasoning just assumptions and biases and narratives and [ __ ] self assessment here are my values is what happened do those who say new things align a single piece of behavior how does it line up with my values that’s an assessment going the single piece of behavior doesn’t tell me if I’m a good person or a bad person that’s a judgment you can say okay what did I say was it honest or dishonest that’s an assessment to then go well I was dishonest so there from a [ __ ] loser that’s a judgment to even say I’m dishonest so I know their thing I see it wasn’t honest I can’t be disarmed says a person that don’t be a judgement it’s an over categorization me as a person is actually like a category when in reality I’m a different guy every day I’m a thousand guys

there’s also Lee see you judge yourself because others judged you when you’re younger and you’re just carrying on their legacy on their behalf you’ve bullied they clicked for parents harsh parenting dear long gone they’re not in the room anymore and you’re just doing what they keep doing that’s their voice you know somebody like ostracized you from the groups and bully kicked you out of a cool crew or whatever when you’re in school you know by yourself that bullies long gone you don’t know where they live anymore and now you’re telling yourself I’m a loser nobody likes me you got taught something and then you kind of like trained in it and then you do it to yourself and that’s often where self-fulfilling prophecy comes from you believe it you act according to it and make it true you tell yourself your loser no he likes you you might bother trying to socialize or get to know people and therefore you’ll be alone and it confirms that you’re a loser oh no relax

that’s judgment whereas assessment might be like I’m feeling very lonely that’s an assessment or having some trauma I think from bullying and childhood that’s an assessment it’s neither good nor bad it’s just what’s happening is what it is

now the vision of judging yourself is they’re not good enough excuse they’re not good enough is kind of like the atomic bomb of judgment it’s the one you can just use to just the marsh everything if you want to you know but the reason I call it a not good enough excuse these days is because it gets you out of here if I’m not good enough then why bother no can’t expect somebody’s not good enough to do something therefore I’m off the hook and you’ll notice that even when like especially people in self development they’ll eventually hit a point where they’re trying really hard they’re doing all this good stuff and then they just keep calling it not good enough so yeah okay when it spoke to strangers today which was a big move for me but I only spoke to four strangers when I wanted to speak to six so therefore I kind of down as opposed to late I normally speak to zero and today I spoke to four which is the more accurate measurement but they’re not good enough stories like this acid that eats away at the bottom of your achievements until eventually they fall through the hole and your lifts going well what’s the point because I just suck at everything the truth is your progress curve has been steadily going up but you just imagined one that’s a little bit higher and did a comparison imagined one you know I can imagine there my business is going better than it is and then compared to there to imagine business or as an assessment I can just look at how my business is going right now no comparison needed how much am i enjoying it how’s the income yeah I am I aligned with my values while I work dad I don’t need engagement no factual assessment there and then the one that Chris alluded to arrogance to avoid improvement you judge yourself as killing in all the time you just on one point nothing could be better so often those people never judge themselves they do but they judge themselves as winning all the time

so the kind of comparisons they do end up with everything there so like somebody who’s and you’ll notice arrogant people tend to look for people who in their particular field of interest are doing worse the arrogant dancer likes to dance with people who are less skilled than they are you know the arrogant kind of person around wealth likes to hang around with poor people and brag is this kind of I constantly being the biggest fish in the pond scenario that they create again the self-fulfilling prophecy that goes the other way and again the problem is it’s not based on fact yeah you might be able to dance well but he’s sure you’re not making mistakes you sure that the other people are enjoying dancing with you are you looking for that information you’re just telling yourself a story that fulfills our kind of identity you want to give up basically all the stuff is just cognition to try and make life easier your brain is just trying to it’s kind of lazy the brain doesn’t want to do all this work with every single individual every piece of behavior goes that this beast baby at this time what does it mean just wants to go [ __ ] what category can I put this in as I get on with my day trouble is when that runs rampant it goes beyond just trying to figure out what the differences between food for breakfast and food for lunch it starts affecting yourself with starts affecting your relationships with others you can’t turn it off but you can respond to it in a helpful way

now we’re gonna move into what to do about it kind of final part here before I do you guys have any questions or thoughts wanna talk about so far good so I think I called the the webinar how to stop being judgmental which is non accurate title you’re never gonna stop how to manage being judgmental would have been more accurate I’m gonna release a podcast next week on freewill Vijaya Drecker meters like supplementary to this a lot of judgment comes around the belief in free will I believe I choose to do what I do consciously and that I could choose anything so that I can be judged morally on my choices and I believe other people do the same that’s the belief in free will scientifically speaking freewill is ludicrous the idea that a decision you make is not affected by your genetics your upbringing your environment fate everything that’s ever touched you the ludicrous your brain has formed the decision-making pathways in your brain are formed by your experiences and your influences and new genetics so when you come to making a decision it’s through those pathways yeah now I’m not going to go into that but one thing you go into as if I was to swap places with say with you Christian Adam for Adam you and I swapped particle for particle I became you and you became me I promised you you would then go on to make decisions that I usually make and I’d go on to make decisions you usually make because there is as soon as you ask someone else you will be them there’s no variation there so when you go to judge other people understand if you were them you’d do the same thing that’s a key thing to keep in mind now you don’t understand them as you but you would if you were them that make perfect sense to you there are people who judge you for your behavior because they don’t understand why you do it they’re people who like I get literally hate mail for my attempts to help people now I’m pretty sure that people send me that hate mail don’t believe I intend to help people not only do they believe that I’m unhelpful they seem to like you can tell but the way they write they seem to believe that I am actually intentionally harmful in some way I’m trying to do damage which no matter how wrong I am I never actually tried to do damage I don’t wake up like right I’m gonna make a video that makes me one [ __ ] kill themselves today and that’ll be good I’ve never done that I never would and they would know that if they were me and the people I judge I would know why they do what they do if I was them right so when it comes to judging others it’s a key principle to keep in mind someone cuts you off in traffic pisses you off fine it’s a lot to piss you off but before you go and tell yourself why go I don’t know why all I can be sure of as they probably thought it was a good idea just like I would just like their time I had to cut off people because I got into the wrong lane I know what it’s like I’ve done it before and even when you see something extreme like the examples ing brought up someone like kicking a dog or something you find a part I think if I ever harmed a living human beings I thought it was the right thing to do at the time you know like do I eat meat have I ever have I slapped a mosquito cuz if so I can get a sense of why they’re doing it now I’ve never kicked the dog but I would slap the mosquito and that’s probably similar reasoning that they’re going through right they see the dog maybe the way I see a mosquito and then they can open up ideas like why do I think of mosquitos okay the head not a dog am I really such a great noble person since when do mosquitoes become lower value than dogs we won’t go down that particular path today but this idea where you go like maybe they think they have a great reason for doing this that’s all they can be wrong by your standards but they’re not wrong by their standards and that’s why they do it another thing to keep in mind we are trained to look for differences we see different as threatening most of us there are some people who are thrilled by difference but most neurotic and kind of judgmental types of people see differences through people they like to stay with their group they find other groups threatening they find other ways of living threatening the funny thing is you know the media kind trains us especially that if you look at say the differences between men and women you notice how everything that talks about men and woman focuses on the differences leads you to believe they’re men a woman a largely different I mean scientifically speaking we’re almost identical we are at least 99% identical and yes the one person we focus on our DNA is indistinguishable the core building blocks of who we are is exactly the same we all follow the same personality profiles the big five personality traits apply to both men and women equally nearly all our physiology our hearts our lungs our intestines our muscles our nervous system our brains our eyeballs all of this the same just some slight differences the size of the skeleton and the heart and of course reproductive organs the media goes on and on about these slight behavioral differences

which make up a tiny tiny percentage of the overall picture and that’s almost the same with everybody every person you look at is judging you and that you’re judging is different to you there’s actually mostly the same as you get to know them that increases even more when you realize [ __ ] they do different behaviors than me but they don’t for the same reasons that I do shed just a slight variation of behavior I saw this where I noticed a guy who like beat someone up there’s reasoning for doing it as the same reasoning of saag to punish my girlfriend now I don’t use violence are you sulking he uses violence but the reason we do it what we’re trying to accomplish identical kind of manipulate someone into giving us respect exactly the same if anything he’s just braver he doesn’t mind using his fists I’m too scared to use violence so you’re salty instead you know so someone cuts you off traffic maybe you never come people in traffic that are good for that but the reason he did it might be the exact same reason that you do stuff like maybe he’s doing it because he’s late for work he’s panicking about doing a good job and that’s why you do [ __ ] you always trying to talk a job so right up into the point where he actually cuts you off in traffic everything’s identical and you’re focused on the venire difference and behavior and then you blow that out to make it we are two different people which is scientifically absurd to say in the same species you’re almost exactly the same in every way just like we can’t tell the difference between two sparrows well get a big write-up come through excellent see Chris I might come back and talk to you about this after I’m done with this little spiel so you go challenge your assumptions as soon as you notice of assumptions coming up the because story as you ask yourself how do I know for sure that that’s true that’s all you just ask yourself evidence okay there person is petting animals because they’re evil okay I know they had animals now where’s the evidence for them being evil where’s the psychological profile testing where’s the criminal history report where’s the brain scans don’t have any of those – what the [ __ ] are you talking about how can you know for sure without those kinds of pieces of info information in just idea of it okay that’s the judgment on assessment the thing is you don’t even you might not necessarily be wrong your judgments are bound to be accurate at least at some point in time even a broken clock is Right twice a day you know but the odds look at it this way let’s say you judge someone as evil based on your know psychological training no clear idea of what evil even means no neuroscience training what’s the likelihood you’re accurate given the tools that are more accurate than your guesses you know what’s the likelihood that you can read someone’s mind versus not yeah unless you’re some sort of FBI profiler trained to read body language what’s the likelihood that you can judge someone’s body language accurately the answer is I’m not sure then this does not acknowledge that at all okay maybe I’m not sure yeah I’ve been doing it a lot lately I keep using this example that’s just an interesting one in my life my new boring routine life as I walk through this pack almost every day and in almost every day is kind of like either homeless guys drinking or like groups of teenagers drinking kind of like a rough pack now I think about in every time I feel this hostility as I walk towards them their body language or who they are whatever my judgments tell me I’m in danger a hundred times have walked past them a hundred times not a single negative thing has happened to me my judgment is wrong and it still comes up every time though every time I see you laters go big put balls on the purse with this other guy little pit bulls and they’re both drinking they’re shaved and covered and tear to make it comes trouble never once has there been trouble they don’t even look at me so where’s that here comes trouble assessment coming from because it’s not based on fact I’m based on logic scientific experiment this would be debunked you know sorry a hundred times out of 100 of them had them before sure there’s no significant correlation here so I just keep challenging it I’m like huh now I notice how it comes up every time and every time it’s wrong I just notice that basically I’m trying to train my brain and I look see you’re wrong again you sure double check their share and of course the most practical way is to go find out the real information whenever you’ve got the opportunity get to know people go to the individual and explore yeah and include yourself in making judgments about yourself go hang on is this an assessment or a judgement I

found out something about myself the other day that was interesting now I’ve always had this kind of insecurity about I’d call it say being weak right I was a kind of an academic creative artistic kid where all my peers were like tradesmen’s and athletes so I was at least sort of physical out of my friends though I’d constantly compensate this so I went and played rugby even though I didn’t particularly enjoy it I’d occasionally try and start fights at parties or get thrown into them just to show that I could if I would I’d go do hard stuff like fishing or extreme sports and it career depends like I would injure myself quite often when working out because I thought come on just work through the pain and actually the pain is when you’re getting an injury you know I’ve just like disabled myself I did that a lot with dance and trying to do all these like lifts and fancy techniques and just now my shoulders are [ __ ] me so I can’t even sleep on my side so I’ve had that kind of insecurity for a long time trying like prove myself to myself that I’m hard that kind of thing teros that it’s all related right just the other day I was watching embarrassing bodies and there was a kid who wouldn’t eat his food and they couldn’t figure out why he will need food and they took him to a child psychologist and found out the reason is because he has something called hypersensitivity basically he hears things louder he sees things brighter as hands and the nerves are more sensitive so every touches more enhanced and the reason he wouldn’t eat is because he didn’t like the feel of food it felt gross to him so he didn’t want to put something that feels yuck into his mouth very hard for a three-year-old to articulate this but that’s what the psychologist basically figured out and the treatment was fun to play with food with his hands and eventually he would be okay with eating it but I was watching this because it’s less turn off all the things about hypersensitivity I’m like yep yep yep holy [ __ ] this is me you know I use like as soon as I get in a crowd and lots of people start talking it’s like I go deaf I can’t hear anybody too much noise over stimulates me I find bright light dazzling I’m wearing sunglasses all the time glare affects me a lot I used to do landscaping another attempt to prove that I was hard I guess and I’d get concrete dustman or dry on my hands and I couldn’t touch anything with my hands and they’re like they’re it made me want to throw up so I remember just always in the truck I’m just driving home like this I couldn’t even touch the sides you know until I could get some water to wash it off of your lack of mean doors like this and I’m really fussy about food you know lots of food that people love tomatoes cheese etc I can’t eat it mostly because of texture just I don’t fight things they that are soft and I don’t think like things that are juicy they get on my hands like I canti oranges cuz they dropping it sticky you know I just thought I was weak because I that’s my eyes like when you’re trying to be shameless you tell people that stuff and they say me too this is one of those things where every time I talk about feel like nope don’t got that one you know and I was like oh shut up that’s it and so I saw this hypersensitivity thing I think holy [ __ ] this whole like time where I’m trying to like prove how hard I am there’s all based on this hypersensitivity I used to cry a lot when I was a kid when I’d hurt myself it was because I felt pain stronger than others did my nerves are more sensitive so I fell over and skinned my knee I’d bawl my eyes out you know and so as I as I sort of got the real information you might say about why I am the way I am the judgment went away you know now it’s like now I’m gonna stop like trying to force myself to touch disgusting stuff to prove that it doesn’t bother me like I just don’t like touching and maybe that’s okay and it’s amazing how often somebody will have something like especially Asperger’s or some sort of so called mental illness and soon as they hear the label and that guy’s that what are this this relief like okay I get I get it now I’m not just some guy does stupid things I have a thing that causes a problem it’s kind of deep personalizing of it you know so this is my self awareness and self exploration is so important once you’ve got a name for the thing once you realize this is common or maybe not common but least human that it’s not free will it’s a set a process that you can’t help but follow I can’t free well my hands into not being sensitive they’re just sensitive I don’t like touching do it it grosses me out I’m not going to turn that off by rubbing my hands on [ __ ] concrete or something right not sure exactly where it’s going with that but the the same thing again like get to know the real information to an assessment rather than a judgement rather than on the loser ask why do I do that what’s the what’s the rational explanation for there what do other people who do they call it what does the latest of neuroscience say about it and actually look for the real information

how many guys hear about the single nice guy syndrome and just go ah that’s a thing back there makes sense now and then somebody lays out the whole patrolling I do all of those things holy jesus that’s [ __ ] explained everything there’s a relief fear you okay I’m not a dick I’ve got this thing it causes decision-making to go a certain way dev a certain flavor to it it’s actually beyond my control mmm not a victim to it essentially but it’s in me it’s like if I’m missing an arm I can’t grab anything with that hand it’s just not available as an option right nice guy syndrome being assertive right now was up until now is not available I can maybe make it available but first I’d Duke said that was not no just like I’m learning to eat certain foods I first had to accept that they grossed me out and that’s that’s that’s a thing that I was born with let’s come back to your comments here Chris do you mind if I bring you on the line to talk where you want okay you are yes so I was talking about that I’m usually not very judgmental with people that are not close to me but when it’s parents siblings friends girlfriends I tend to be very judgmental because somehow my emotions come out easier and referring to the long term relationship I was in until a few months ago I thought I knew this girl very well after nine years or so and then we once opened up about our sexual behaviors when we had been single and she she finally opened up and told me that she had been sleeping around the last couple of years and she had had a lots of casual sex yeah casual sex and although I try to remain silent in those opportunities somehow my face my expressions showed up a lot of judgment and from that from then on the relationship changed and a lot of doubts and Kim feel and distrust grew over time and it was hard to see her as the woman I had previously seen before now I saw her her value in my eyes kind of decreased was lowered and it was never like before so I think there’s something in my unconscious there that judged her and the expectation changed like I wanted to marry this person as I had known her in the past and now she’s her value had decreased and I was being too judgmental then she of course got defensive and started protecting herself so can you explain what happened there and what can I do in the future when I’m confronted with a girl that opens up about her past

there’s a few things going on there staying specifically with this girl is the comparison part of the judgment was real her versus imaginary here so you imagined so she was something in the real hood and match that and you had to decide as the real her better or worse than that thing that I’ve imagined and he chose worse yeah yeah now as to the part where you chose worse that’s something that doesn’t have anything to do with you that’s something else a belief system about promiscuity perhaps yeah what we can see there is again the rigidity of the judgments the imaginary here you were locked in on there you know so it’s either she becomes there or she’s out not okay maybe that needs to move so we talked before about those two times being judgmental one that’s open to change and one that’s closed we could see on the imaginary version of her you were closed and that’s okay up until now at least you didn’t have a choice you were a closed person at that point in time about that issue so there’s no point judging yourself around this but we can assess it so what when you close there’s no assessment of curiosity there’s no like why was I wrong and why do I care and why did she do what she does how can I understand her reasoning you know sometimes well even we will ask why did you do it but we’re not actually curious we’re just saying please give me something that I can relieve the pain with not like actually what’s the truth you know there’s a big difference saying why’d you do that versus help me understand what was going on for you you know put me in your mind so because that’s behavior I’m not used to that I want to understand it very very different approach to curiosity hmm the the snowball effect afterwards barely needs to be looked there once you’re locked in the consequences play out you know that’s all you’re seeing near the battle back and force you’ll feel judged she becomes defensive you take the defensive nurses something else you judge back 40 go I’d say in terms of assessment the original question for you for dealing with us in the future why does promiscuity bother you and why do you get stuck on an imagined version of a person rather than adjusting to the real version answer those two questions and maybe this problem goes away and what you’ll notice and I’m guessing here making assumptions about you but so often somebody who judges others for the in promiscuous has no problem being promiscuous themselves so they’re happy does the ground have one-night stand somebody else does it they’re enraged by it so you have to look at your own reasoning maybe there’s judgments around the differences of entitlement between men and woman guys are allowed to do stuff there women aren’t allowed to do perhaps or maybe it’s you versus the world I’m allowed to do stuff but they’re not what they’re allowed to do stuff but I’m not yeah and just why why would I think it tells us to do yeah has to do with like i have i look up up to my mom and my mom seemed I was not with my mom when when she was in her teenage years but from what I’ve known she’s a role model and she’s always been faithful and not promised and I put I tend unconsciously to compare other women to my mom and so I would like to marry someone that’s similar to mom in that sense so when I find out that my girlfriend has been slipping around it causes confusion in my brain so and then as you say we started you know the doubts and the confusion and the judgment and yeah so there’s something that I had to work on and this imagine of course the imaginary person was always there for years and now this image of the person I wanted to marry has it’s not the same person anymore and her value before my eyes and it’s it’s lower now not to adapt to this reality it’s a little judgment that you’re also judging your mom how many facts do you actually have or do you just have what you were told and showing yep you know I mean this there’s plenty of woman I know who will probably tell their children that they were faithful little princesses but I know they weren’t right and there’s also the question what’s threatening about someone being different yeah a question what’s what’s threatening about someone being different to your mother why do you find they’re threatening well you consider there to be unsafe rather than interesting or exciting just there why question how they end up here rather than locking their box again well case closed no further evidence to be submitted I yep in this case I my brain kind of interpreted it that promiscuity that that might continue when we got married like she was really with them and my brain made me believe that that could happen in the future because she was too easy back then so there’s a mapping out the future thing that we talked about take the car on you take the story about the past and the new predictor future promiscuity and disloyalty a separate things you know the fact that you put them together factors odd take somebody who’s never slept around and suddenly gets into a long-term relationship as being a higher risk of cheating because they’re gonna get that oh my god I missed out thing well maybe they won’t maybe they’re happy I got a friend we always go to one giant as the person who married the first person they sleep with and because they don’t know different they maybe don’t yearn for different but the same guy I mean he just watches porn all the time he’s constantly asking us about our sex lives he’s yearning different because he hasn’t kind of gone out and had enough experience to realize that it’s all pretty much the same but yeah lots of stuff to explore there a great learning experience the key is this was never about her really hmm at your judgments the Christian of course with any judgments do they help me if the answer is not it’s time for some more assessment now in my judgment their eggs for breakfast not for lunch it doesn’t harm me much unless there’s only eggs in the fridge and I’m hungry in which case I have to break that and they’re the eggs for lunch but that judgment I don’t need to do much about that there’s no significant damage to my life with that one well a judgment like I don’t know I’ll never get along with Asian people like one I used to have now that I’m friends with people from all sorts of Asian backgrounds I realized like I was missing out a whole range of experiences I wouldn’t have had if I’d held on to that belief that was a harmful one think I gain nothing from it I must have applause cool no see something more from Andrew here even if you’re able to identify with our judgments accurate doesn’t tell you what the underlying reasons or causes are then there might be time to understand person the amounts to my engaging there baby yourself appealing Mannion absolutely one of the things as sometimes you can be right as an they say somebody did something to harm you and you miss again they’re like yeah I wanted to hum you okay I’ll actually write about that why they want to harm you still hasn’t been answered right especially like what I found the deep fried egg into psychology it becomes social I have great podcast I’ve just released today on stoicism and it’s view of anger and we’re trying to I was working with Donald Robertson trying to figure out what to the Stoics really feel about anger because it sounds like they say you should never be angry he said well no what they mean is the kind of anger that’s based on revenge the anger designed to harm that’s the anger they trying to put a cap on and and I look out in the world and I see that’s so often the case like when someone doesn’t let me in and traffic there’s some sort of revenge they’re playing out there somebody else didn’t let them in and traffic and now they get to play out that revenge or maybe their wife just wasn’t nice to them this morning and now there’s somebody else they get to [ __ ] over and so often people are following this pattern of like revenge based kind of retribution and so somebody might be trying to harm you but it’s because they’re raised in a society that promotes revenge I mean look at the way we creep we treat criminal offenders we take vengeance on them we try to harm them as much as they’ve caused harm the whole system’s based on it you know there’s always reward and punishment and the schooling system this idea if you do bad we’re gonna double down on the bed make sure you had bed as well right so somebody might harm you simply because I’ve been trained to take revenge has actually got nothing to do with you they do this to everybody so you might be right and what are their motives but where they motives come from probably had nothing to do with you which case taking it personally doesn’t make sense someone being promiscuous there might be like yeah I wanted a lot of dick like I knew it right but maybe is so that when they did finally settle down they wouldn’t feel like they must out not because they were trying to hurt your feelings maybe they’re actually trying to ensure that they would be loyal in a relationship by removing the temptation by getting it out of their system who knows but if you don’t bring curiosity they’re not going to give you that kind of revelation it might be because they were sexually abused as children and this is their coping mechanism that might change the way you view it as well you know I had this girl who was sending the long time ago sending me like really dirty photos of herself for sex toys and stuff just out of the blue basically me at once and some ambience photos like a dream come true right until someone told me yes she was like sadistically abused as a kid and she’s been like this ever since and all of a sudden this went from really hot to really sad now if I hadn’t found out that information I would have actually played into her unhealthy coping mechanisms we’ve gone slept with her and just played out the same harmful pattern that she’s stuck in which is just you know blocking out the pain was eggs you know instead I can’t remember exactly what I done but if I did that happen again now I’d brick mean that she goes he’s a therapist rather than try to sleep with it no judgment the judge my guy was like sweet because some chick who’s up for it assessment is now I’ve got a damaged person living out there trauma not quite as hot

and receives yeah at least you found out before you got married and had kids and your and that I hear judgment of yourself as if you couldn’t have done better right as if you weren’t trying to do the best thing you could possibly think of doing at the time you’d found out now

you’ve gone from judgment to assessment name and you’ll then listen when you meet people lay out a deal breakers and I now I’m from my friend actually I was lucky to learn it vicariously without having to suffer learning it the wrong way but a friend of mine he had given your girlfriend he’d be like just before they had the girlfriend boyfriend talk usually take them for a drive and say we’re gonna have a talk and here’s what you need to know about me and here’s what’s not going to change before you sign up for this you need to be on border there you talk about being in a band or traveling for his work or sixth sense of humor or whatever see those those things non-negotiables don’t look at me as a fixer aqua if you don’t like those things now you’re not gonna like them later so he’s willing to lose people you know now that’s not directly related to to the whole judgment thing but this idea like when you see us a situation what really happened was it there where our just useless people or we didn’t realize we needed to have this discussion at the start we just didn’t know that’s an assessment I know now original me Vietnam there he would have done it so obviously you didn’t [ __ ] know it

ultimately yeah and as so Avengers playing through here is when you do something that you find painful and you start blaming yourself for judging yourself and calling yourself names the other way to look at is what did I just learn and that’s an assessment not a judgment like learning the need to be honest all of us have learned very painfully that lesson but the paint it’s done we’re here with the lesson now if we want to take it we can move forward with that doesn’t really matter how long it took to learn and once you’ve learned it or you can sit there lashing yourself on the back for not having learned it earlier even though you couldn’t possibly have learned it earlier or you would have I wouldn’t say I’ve learned it now so what’s next to make an assessment take action rather than judge remember some judgments are helpful don’t go pet the dog that you don’t know I’m judging their dog is dangerous now it might not be but [ __ ] I’m not gonna miss out I’m petting the dog I’m gonna be fine without paying they’re [ __ ] dog right but I’m not gonna go talk to that person because they look like this other person I know and they’re persons are dick it’s a judgment and you might be missing out on a great relationship

right well I will never be with a promiscuous woman what if they all are

okay or what if those are the best ones which is my experience world with jealousy around sexual jealousy promiscuous woman just become experienced since when was experience better than in experienced at worse I mean you know assessment rather than judgment when a judgment is limiting your options for a better life switch to assessment what are the facts what don’t I know which isn’t almost everything that kind of Socratic question why do I feel so sure about this why do I have such a big emotional reaction to it why am i acting reacting something as if it’s a threat even though there’s no physical danger why how much of the story in my head is based on fact and how much of it is storytelling creative fiction you’re going to do a four is to your life your job is to catch the ones that aren’t helping

all righty you think further before we sign off for today guys

well good thank you so much for showing up live it’s so much better with people here then by myself call that a judgment but less and yeah keep an eye on next week for the podcast on free well because I think there will basically I think to be judgment about other people you have to believe in free will and once you sort of change or shift that belief other people will become a lot easier to tolerate so we’ll see interested you’ve got a question about a podcast yep go ahead done media actually

so you see that you just released an episode by there’s this the justest and flying different better Michael podcast is that the bridge our online podcast because okay it must be something wrong Matt but I think cuz I’m going from amounts me this okay thanks toxic shame there’s a podcast but yeah now I’ll flick you through the link anyway sweet okay she’s tears guys see you next time thanks yes yeah

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