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How to make new guy friends

One of the biggest struggles we see in the BROJO community is adult men trying to find other guy friends. There is absolutely no training or support with this, and most guys don’t know where to start. So if you’ve moved to a new city, or simply never really had any truly masculine male friends, this video will break down how it’s done.


 

To master your social skills and enjoy an abundance in your friendships and dating life, contact Dan about personalised support

dan@brojo.org

 


Full transcript (unedited)

What’s up everyone? So today I wanted to make a very helpful practical video to answer a question that’s come up a lot with my coaching clients, specifically Nice Guy types. And that is how do I make friends with other guys so there’s a specific niche of nice guys in particular who struggle to have masculine friendships, they’ll often be friends only with women, or with other nice guys, passive guys and feminine guys will not have friends at all. And that’s not all nice guy. Some nice guys can maintain healthy, masculine relationships. But there’s definitely a niche that struggles with this, I’m going to also introduce the social gardening model though, Mike wells and I designed for brojo. But I’m going to make it specific to a nice guy trying to create friendships with other men. The social gardening model, however, can be applied by anyone looking to broaden their social circle. Okay, now in this particular video, I’m going to use some stereotypes of gender type stereotypes, stereotypes around masculinity and femininity around men and woman. Because it’s helpful, and it’s mostly accurate, but mostly because it’s helpful. Now, if that kind of thing bothers you, and that kind of like gets stuck for you just move on from this video. Okay, this is for people who aren’t bothered by that kind of talk, and just looking to make some friends. The number one thing you got to remember before we even get into this is that your primary purpose is actually not to make friends. Okay? That’s your secondary purpose, to broaden your social life, your dating life, whatever it is, that cannot be the primary reason the intention behind what you’re doing. That’s actually the key mistake most people make when it comes to building their social circle is that they’re trying to build a social circle, they’re trying to get a day, they’re trying to make friends, that trying actually makes it very unlikely to happen. It creates neediness and makes you make decisions that aren’t well suited to you in terms of how you live your life and the activities you do. So you got to let go of this being the primary purpose think of this as icing on the cake. You’re gonna make friends with guys for sure. But that’s not what you’re really intending to do primarily. Okay, we’re gonna talk about the primary intention is but ultimately, it’s about doing something for your own self development. To figure out your primary intention, primary purpose, you got to look into the struggle you’re having with creating connections with other men. Why is it that you find it hard to make friends with other guys, some of the common things that come up is the idea there’s other guys are intimidating, that they are rough or the banter hurts your feelings, you kind of take things personally when you’re around aggressive or shall we say assertive guys who are pandering and having fun. Or you feel like a hierarchy, a competition, like you’re always in competition with other men in your eyes coming off second best and you don’t like to be in that kind of confrontational environment. Masculine friendships have an edge to them. They’re confrontational, they’re competitive. They banter there’s one upmanship this can all be done in the healthy realm. There’s also the unhealthy version of this, which we’ll talk about. But in order for you to make friends with other men first, you have to be okay with competition, confrontation, and various forms of aggression. So your primary purpose is really to deal with the fears and insecurities you have, that are preventing you from being able to form these friendships. So this isn’t really about making guy friends, this is about dealing with your insecurities. So whatever it is that you end up choosing to do, the primary purpose must be to help you deal with your insecurities that cannot be to meet guys to make friends with them. That should just be the secondary the icing on the cake, the thing that can happen as well as, but isn’t the main reason you’re there. So there’s kind of three special issues that come up with guys especially nice guys trying to make friends with other guys. One is like I already mentioned, facing aggression and competition, that playful, banter and competitiveness that guys have with other guys and masculine friendships. If you have a problem with that, you’re going to struggle to make friends with other guys who are masculine. You can make friends with other guys who aren’t masculine. But that’s probably not what you’re lacking in your life. The second issue is confusing masculine with what’s commonly called toxic masculinity. I don’t actually like that phrase, because I think it’s a bullshit meaningless phrase that changes its goalposts whenever somebody uses it, but what we can talk about is the difference between a healthy masculine man and an egotistical, insecure, aggressive, man. Okay, those are two different types of meaning when we talk about forming relationships with masculine men. We’re not talking about Dick swinging egos. We’re not talking about violent men. We’re not talking about men who are nasty Stick in bullying, we’re talking about guys who have a healthy sense of competition and banter and fun. And they like to do stuff and they like to get their hands dirty. But we’re not talking about guys who are going to try and make you feel small. But we’re also not talking about guys on the other end of the spectrum, who just want to talk about their feelings all the time. And when I have deep intellectual discussions, those aren’t the kind of masculine guys we’re talking about. Those friendships are great, and there should be some of those in your life, if that’s what you like, and what you need. But ultimately, this video is about making friends with the Rough and Ready manly men type. So the third issue is often nice guys, when they try to have a friendship with another man, they go to that kind of emotional, intellectual relationship that they used to having with their girlfriends. So nice guys are quite classic for having friends who are almost all girls or feminine guys, passive guys, other nice guys. That’s difference to how masculine men have friendships, K masculine men, and their friendships don’t spend a lot of time sitting around talking about their feelings or diving deep into intellectual issues. They like to do stuff, they like to have fun, they like to get shit done in a very kind of straight line, point A to point B sort of way, it doesn’t mean they’re incapable of having emotional discussions or getting deep, it’s just not a huge part of their repertoire. And this isn’t meaning that they’re suppressed, or that they have some sort of emotional issues. That would be the egotistical type guy. These are just guys where that isn’t their priority in life, it’s not their highest interest, they actually like to sort of be here. And now in the real world, rather than living in the kind of intellectual, emotional imaginary world, that people who are more on the feminine space like to live in. There’s nothing wrong with either of these positions. But if you want guy type guys in your life, you have to be prepared to do guy type things and have guy type conversations, as opposed to the conversations you’re comfortable with, that are intellectual or emotional. Okay, so that all is just setting the scene. Now we’re going to talk about the practical step by step process called Social gardening. That allows you to create these friendships without trying to create these friendships. The first step is also kind of the last step because this is circular. But the first step is what we call weeding. Now, for you to have the time and space available for new friends in your life, you’re going to have to weed whatever’s currently existing in a social garden. So there’s a few things in particular, that you’re going to need to cut out to create time and space to meet new people, and do new things in the activities you’re involved in socially or otherwise, that are passive, isolated, or strongly feminine. These are where you’re going to have to steal time, and reduce your involvement to create more time elsewhere. So for example, if you’re doing a lot of hobbies all by yourself, you’re either going to have to turn these into social hobbies or quit them. If you’re hanging out with a lot of people are very feminine and passive, you’re going to have to severely reduce the amount of time you spend with them, and so on. So you want to cut out the stuff that’s passive and feminine. Think of this as a temporary measure. This video is not saying that it’s good to be masculine all the time. Well, there’s videos saying is if you’re the kind of person who lacks the necessary amount of strong masculinity in your life, you’re going to have to create space for it by cutting back on the other stuff that’s filling up your time, the passive and the feminine, which are the other ends of the spectrum, you’re going to need to stop investing in low quality, safe friendships and relationships. Have a look at your current social circle, ask yourself, are these people improving my life? Are they encouraging myself development? Are they providing the challenge that I necessarily need to be working on right now? If the answer is no to any or all of these questions, you need to stop spending time with these people or at least severely reduce the amount of time you spend with them. Basically, any friendship you’re in just so you don’t have to be alone. In a friendship that you’d happily kind of move on from if you found better people to hang out with. This is the kind of thing you actually need to cut. First, you’re going to have to be alone or lonely even first, before you can meet high quality, new connections to bring into your life, you’re not going to be able to fill up a cup that’s already full, you’re gonna have to empty it first. And that’s a hard transition. But if this is how you feel about these people, if they’re not really high quality, you’re not really losing anything. It’s just an illusion. And this one again, this is quite specific. If you have any friendships with women that you’re attracted to, in them. Again, it’s a temporary measure when you’re a healthier, more masculine male, you’ll be able to maintain such friendships without being damaging to your psyche. But for now, if you’re a nice guy who can’t make friends with other guys, masculine guys, and tends to gravitate into the friendzone, we are friends with women you’re secretly attracted to, that shit needs to stop. It’s not good for you, at least not at this time in your life. So if you’ve got any friendships with females right now that you secretly wish you could have more with, cut them off, they’re not good for you, it just has to be done. Now waiting is a necessary step to create space. But it’s what comes next. That makes all the difference. And it’s what’s called Building your garden. So at the start of this video, I talked about your primary purpose and your secondary purpose. So the primary purpose is to do something that develops you in the ways that you need to work on right now, the secondary purpose is to make new friends who are guys. So when it comes to building your garden, this is where this really applies. Building your garden means creating an active social life. But the primary intention is not to socialize, but to do the activities. This is extra important for guys looking to make masculine male friends, because this is how masculine guys create friendships, they do stuff together, you’ll probably be used to like sitting down over brunch and having a deeper meaningful discussion. That’s what you think of as a friendship, or the very superficial getting drunk at a nightclub together, which is kind of like the more egotistical insecure version of masculine bonding. What we’re talking about is more like the hunters and the Warriors, those archetypes going out fighting side by side, shoulder to shoulder, see the feminine and they make friends face to face. There’s actually some evolutionary psychology behind this. But this is one of the reasons women are so much more comfortable with eye contact, they’ve been in quite eye contact with people all their lives. That’s how they connect. Guys connect side to side, you know, when I’m playing rugby with my friends, we’re all facing the same direction. You know, 1000 years ago, we’re all hunting the buffalo, we’re all facing the same direction, when we’re fighting against the other tribe, we’re all facing the same direction, my enemies actually looked me in the face. It’s my friends who are to my side. And this has really sort of continued on with the masculine to this very day. So what you’re looking for is actually activities that you’re going to do side by side with other men, preferably competitive activities as well, where there’s going to be an element of having the face to face, it’s confrontational. To help you develop the skills you need, and the emotional resilience, you need to deal with that kind of thing, which is present in masculine friendships. But also to be side to side, you know, they’re kind of core Marines type thing, where here’s the thing with a masculine friendship that you don’t get with other friendships. If you have a friendship with a feminine, deep soulful person, which is great. They will be there for you, they’ll talk things through with you, you’ll be able to go deep and meaningful and have a great sort of like emotional connection, a masculine friend, he will jump in, if someone punches you in the face with no thought for his own safety. It’s a different kind of friendship, he’ll take the piss out of you. But if someone else doesn’t, he’ll back you up. He will never talk bad behind your back. But who will talk bed to your face. This is different to the feminine, which tends to be kind of the opposite. All those things like my sort of more feminine passive friends, I can rely on them for a good emotional chat. But if someone pulls a gun on me, I can’t rely on them to jump in. They just don’t have that natural aggression. They don’t have the courage and bravery that comes from steel balls. Right? So this is this is why you need to get comfortable with confrontation and competition, because this is the the area where these guys play a lot. Okay? And for you to be able to connect with them, you have to be able to go there with the understanding that that comes with a great reward, which is when shit gets really rough, they will be there for you because they’re risk takers. They’re aggressive, they can take the pain and a way that the more soulful people just can’t. So specifically, we’re talking about things like sports, like martial arts. Even if it’s intellectual, like a debate club or a chess club, it’s things where you’re in competition and confrontation with each other. These are the kinds of arenas that serve both the purposes of working on your own ability to be confrontational, to banter to have fun with competition, and to meet these kinds of guys that you’re looking to bring into your life. Okay? You’re not going to meet them in a book club, or at a poetry reading. Or in a meetup group that’s about exploring the soul. You’re going to meet them on the rugby field. You’re going to meet them in the martial arts dojo, you’re going to meet them at the axe throwing competition, you’re going to meet them and masculine activities. Member the point Like being as you do these activities for yourself to put yourself in that kind of situation to bring out your masculine dark side and learn how to harness it and control it so that you can be powerfully assertive without being egotistical ly aggressive. And that’s where you’re going to meet these other guys who are doing the same thing. Best of all is to me, other guys like you who are moving into that space, and you can move into it together. You know, like, when I first got into martial arts, a friend of mine and I both signed up to kung fu. And we were both kind of not posses burden, you know, we’re definitely not into aggression. And then the two of us would spar together and get more and more like, comfortable with aggression together. So it was like safe way to build up our tolerance for that. The key is to find the middle ground and what I mean by that, I’ll give you an example. Martial arts. If you take Aikido Aikido is a martial art where you receive the energy for the person you collapse into it. It’s non aggressive, non confrontational, it’s all about defense. And then say, on the other end of the spectrum, you have MMA, which is all about beat the other guy to death, right? Talk about aggression and ego and kind of winning now on the on the past event, or shall we say the feminine and with Aikido, you’re not going to meet confrontational banter, masculine type guys, as often, there will still be some there. I don’t want to make too big of a stereotype. But what you mean there guys? What are you meaning there are guys who want a safe version of martial arts, they don’t want to go home with injuries. They want to be able to defend themselves, but they’re actually quite uncomfortable with the idea of attacking. On the other end of the spectrum with MMA, you’ve got guys who’ve got no interest in kind of standing back from a confrontation or being the bigger man. Emotionally. You have guys who want to defeat other people physically, they want to see the blood they want people to be hurt. Now there still be some healthy guys in that arena, but you’re gonna get a lot of damaged, egotistical insecure guys in that place. Okay, these guys who want to hurt others, that’s not a healthy place. Then you get something say like Krav Maga, this is the one I found anyway. Or Wing Chun Kung Fu, perhaps, which is somewhere in the middle. Now, Krav Maga is aggressive. Like when I go to a Krav Maga class, I come home with bruises on my chest, I’ve had injuries from it, we actually hit each other and sometimes quite hard. You fight for real, at least you sort of my whole back a little bit. But you’re really you’re trying to learn what would actually work in real life. So it’s pretty aggressive. But there’s no competition, there’s no belts, you’re not looking to prove yourself as a man, you’re just there to learn how to protect yourself and your family. And that’s where a masculine healthy masculine guy is going to be drawn to. And I found other guys like that in Krav Maga. Again, there were exceptions. There were some egotistical guys there, there were some PCs guys there as well, I was sort of in their category, I guess. And then, but there was a big range in the middle, which are like masculine guys looking to do a healthy thing for their health, for their families, for self protection, and so on. So when it comes to activities, that’s what you’re looking for, as a middle ground. For example, if you go to play rugby league, you’re gonna get a lot of egotistical deck swinging there, okay. If you go to play snooker, you’re gonna get a lot more passive sort of safe. People are making this up a little bit. But say in the middle, in terms of sports, if you go to play, say, cricket, you’re going to have people competitive but not looking to hurt others, you might get more of a healthy range there. I’m not sure that actually lines up with my experience, but indoor nipple, right. There’s pretty brutal sport, but I met some people are really in their middle range there as well. Like I said, there’s more intellectual versions of this. I’ve been playing chess lately. I’m surprised to how kind of competitive and fun that is, and you should talk to each other while you’re playing. Or like I said, like a formal debate class, we actually have to argue heatedly over things, Toastmasters, that people go in there to be more assertive, more masculine, stand up for themselves without slipping all the way into that sort of toxic side of things where you’re looking to hurt other people and dominate. Now that’s that’s the main portion of this video because that’s the part that’s most relevant to creating guy friends is choosing the right activities. What are the stuff that you do side by side with other masculine guys competing against other masculine lies with other masculine guys? That’s how you’re going to meet them. And the rest of the social gardening model. I’ll just quickly share here because it’s pretty simple. Once you’re there, you do what’s called planting seeds, which in practical terms, for the sake of this video simply means introducing Is after every one, giving them a chance to meet you. So for example, when I went to a jujitsu class, you know, we’d sort of change partners. And every time I say how I’m doing, I don’t think I’ve met you before. And we just make sure we break the ice a little bit, that’s all planting seeds is just a little bit of opening a little bit of leadership, making sure if the other guy wants to meet you, you’ve made it easy for him, he doesn’t have to make the first move. This is also of course, practicing leadership and masculinity. So there’s that primary purpose being delivered again. So even if nobody there likes you, you went there for the primary purpose of being a leader. So it doesn’t matter if they respond well or not, because that’s not why you’re there. Primarily. Once you planted seeds, it’s going to assume people are more responsive than others. For example, when I went to Krav, Maga, you know, I’d circle around sparring with different people. But there’s one guy just sort of hit it off with, we’re always sort of choose each other to team up with we’re equal ability, we’re about equal levels of aggression, so I didn’t have to worry about them going too hard, or me being too hard on him. And we would chat about other stuff while we’re playing. You know, we’re sort of, we’ll be fighting and talking about our wives or complaining about work or whatever. And so it started to be a bit more than just us doing Krav Maga together. And this is what growing the gardens about is where you start to shift away from just the activity together. And sort of bringing more of your life into it, sharing personal details about yourself asking about how things are going for them. And then that moves on to what we call harvesting, which is really taking the other person out of the activity and bringing them into your life, and creating essentially a friendship. This can be really simple, you don’t need to overthink this. For example, if you’re playing indoor nipple, after you’re finished, you go shake hands with the other team members, you might give a compliment to the guy who checked you when you are trying to lay score, something’s come grab a beer with us. It’s really simple. But now you’re going from playing netball together to having a beer together, you’ve broken out of that realm. And now technically, you’re having a friendship, even if it’s only just begun. In this can easily become like a kind of tradition. Like when I was dancing, I used to do salsa dancing again, that’s in the middle from like, too passive to too masculine. There’s a there right masculine in the middle, there’s a guy there that I go along with pretty well. So we start to get into a tradition where we’d go have coffee after the class and we would talk about business. Right? And then we got to the point was back when I was clubbing and partying and we go clubs together and stuff. And so now we’re doing stuff together. It’s got nothing to do with dancing. And that’s essentially the formation of a friendship. And that’s how simple it is. So I hope that helps some of you not only just for the general model for making friends, which really is as simple as I’ve made it sound though of course you’ll have insecurities and barriers to go to overcome as you reach each stage. But specifically for guys looking to make other girlfriends focusing on those masculine assertive activities. You know, we talked about primary purpose and secondary purpose, let’s say primary purpose is to get more comfortable with confrontation. So you go and do Brazilian jujitsu. Now secondary purpose of making friends will help you choose which jujitsu class to stick with, let’s say you try three different classes. One of them’s full Adex, the other one’s full of weirdos. And then third ones for your kind of people by a secondary purpose will mean you choose a third one, even though you’re still doing it to learn jujitsu. You’re also going to allow yourself to be guided towards the best possible social opportunities. Hope that video helps get in touch if you want more support building up your social circle from ironically quite an antisocial guy, but at least I know how to make friends sometimes. Right? And I’ll see you guys next time. Please subscribe to the channel. It helps us grow and have yourselves a great week. Cheers.

 

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