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How to improve & boost your social confidence

How do you build social confidence? How do you boost your confidence? Let’s talk about that.

We’re gonna look at some general practices that improve social confidence. So this isn’t a specific to any personality type or any particular struggle. It’s more the general things that I believe from working in this space as a coach for more than a decade now, that work for anybody no matter what your problem is. If you apply what we talk about in this video, you’re going to see improvements in your social confidence.

Key thing to remember, social confidence is not about being liked by other people, or being seen as impressive or being popular. Ultimately, social confidence, ironically, is really about your relationship with yourself, which will create an abundance of deep relationships with other people. If you’re solid with who you are, it’s very easy to connect, it’s very easy to get intimate, and you’re no longer needy for it, so you don’t push it away.

 


 

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Full transcript (unedited)

How do you build social confidence? How do you boost your confidence? Let’s talk about that. We’re gonna look now at some general practices that improve social confidence. So this isn’t a specific to any personality type or any particular struggle. It’s more the general things that I believe from working in this space as a coach, for more than a decade now, work for everybody, to anybody, no matter what your problem is, if you apply what we talked about in this video, you’re going to see improvements in your social confidence. Key thing to remember, social confidence is not about being liked by other people, or being seen as impressive or being popular. That kind of stuff is just comes from neediness and shame and trauma, if you’re pursuing those goals, that’s not coming from a healthy place. Ultimately, social confidence, ironically, is really about your relationship with yourself, which will create an abundance of deep relationships with other people. If you’re solid with who you are, it’s very easy to connect, it’s very easy to get intimate, and you’re no longer needy for it, so you don’t push it away. In terms of opportunities, social confidence is really focusing on being bold and shameless, and pressing yourself to build that in a relationship. Do you imagine the duality of a person where there’s the one you are being in the one watching, and you think of a kind of like maybe a father son relationship, or Mother Daughter, think about those two people getting along? Well, them liking each other. That’s what we want that social confidence when you can go into a room and even if everybody hates you, you’re cool with you, as you are, and you’ll judge me if you want, I mean, that social confidence, you don’t need everyone in the room to like you to be socially confident, and backed up, everybody likes you all the time, you’re probably faking it back back that you’re definitely faking it. So focus on building yourself rather than your social circle, your social circle will naturally build as you work on yourself in social settings. A lot of people look at socializing as kind of like either hunting or hiding, you’re either going out there to get something, or you’re out there. But trying to avoid getting hurt. A better way to look at it is training, you’re going there to work on yourself in an environment that provides you what you can’t do on your own other people’s interactions, their feedback, their reactions, managing their behavior, in certain situations. You can’t fake this stuff, you’ve got to go and do it in the real world. But it’s like a gym. This is your equipment that you train on to get stronger. I don’t mean objectifying people. Exactly. I just mean, if you go home alone, that’s fine. Right? You don’t take the equipment home from the gym with you, do you? Do you. So in this video, we’re going to talk about using the five eyes, a little system that I’ve developed to build your confidence in a strategic way without compromising your integrity. And what you’re going to be measuring is your boldness in terms of behavior, rather than, like your feelings of competence or confidence, it doesn’t matter if you don’t feel confident while you’re doing this stuff. It matters that you’re doing this stuff. That’s a key element here. So the five eyes are initiate, introduce, show interest, invite into your life and build intimacy. Yes, I remembered them all. So initiating interaction starting something, then introducing yourself breaking the stranger barrier, then showing some interest in them. So they know that you have feelings towards them, and inviting them into your life so that a friendship of some kind develops. And then of course, increasing the intimacy being more honest and transparent with each other. That’s the kind of scale that you’re going to work on. It doesn’t matter how you feel or what you think as long as you’re constantly pushing your behavior to boldly move up that scale. If you’re worried that you should be feeling competent, keep this in mind. Imagine these two people, we got one who feels really nervous and awkward. In it, they go up and they ask out the school on a date is that confident or not? Compared to the person who feels really confident, but they stay home alone, avoiding people, it should be obvious that confidence is really about your behavior. Now, if you’re the person who feels real, bold, and brave, and doesn’t feel any sort of fear and ask the person out, well, that’s nice to have, isn’t it. But it’s the same behavior as the person who felt nervous and awkward. And actually, the person who felt nervous and awkward gets extra points because it’s harder for them. So really, confidence is about uncomfortable behavior. So you just start small and you move up incrementally. It’s exposure therapy, you don’t do anything that’s too terrifying. You don’t compare yourself to others and try to catch up to them. You just do your own word, you imagine you get to the gym and everyone else there is buff, and you’ve got like a flabby DadBod. And they’re all lifting huge weights and you’re just doing push ups, that’s fine, because you’re on push ups right now. And you’re not going to go so hard. You injure yourself or run away from the gym, because you’re not as good as the others. You’re just going to do your own little workout and slowly escalate over time. Fuck what everybody thinks. And that’s the same approach to build yourself socially. I’ll give you some examples of increments starting from low going up to high stakes, so that you can kind of figure out where you are on the scale already. Start there and then use the examples to move yourself up as you get bold enough. Basically whatever step you’re at, stay there until it’s comfortable, and then move on to the next step. And just keep doing that for the rest of your life. right down the bottom, we might have just making eye contact or smiling at people, right? No conversation, you just walk past them, just look them in the eyes. Some of you, that’s the first step because you’re so socially anxious and so on. Next might be initiating conversations really safe people, like members of your family, or people who work at a shop, where as you start the conversation rather than them doing it, that’s the only little shift you’re making. So you normally talk to these people anyway. But you’d wait for them to initiate, you say hi, first you look them in the eye, so on you get things started. Next might be what I call non transactional conversations. And this often happens when you’re buying stuff to the supermarket or the clothing store or the gas station, and there’ll be the minimal amount you need to say, to make the transaction happen, try seeing a little bit more might be just asking them how their day is going, we might be making a comment about what’s going on in the environment, like man, it’s busy in here, just as a little bit extra that you don’t need to say, to get the conversation through to the end of the transaction, just to push yourself beyond staying in that safe space. Next step might be introducing yourself and you can do this anywhere. So you might be at the gas station, you’re like, man, it’s busy. And he’s like, Yeah, I know. I’m like, I don’t think I’ve met you yet. I’m Dan, by the way, I come to this gas station all the time I hear John, it’s really easy to do. It sounds hard, but it’s really easy to do. And like I’ve said in previous stuff, you know, you can just say look, I don’t think we’ve met yet. My name is Dan. And it’s always true to say that if you haven’t met them yet, right, so it’s a safe little lining keepers a script to push yourself into that introduction level, we turn the person from a stranger into a known associate, maybe the next step will be giving small, safe generic compliments just showing a little bit of interest. You know, maybe just something like Oh, I like your shirt, or I noticed your tattoos, man, they look real badass, the thing that you know, they’re gonna like to hear, just show that you have noticed them that you do prefer them to other people for some minor reason, to build up the courage to start showing people that you actually have feelings for them. From there, the next step might be actually showing feelings for people telling people that you like them, telling people that they’re the favorite person in your art class or whatever. Start showing people that you clearly like them and prefer them over others. Next level might be stained to being bit more honest about your preferences might start low level, like talking about what your favorite type of music is, and what kind of music you hate. Through the high level, like where you stand on the Israel conflict or something like that. Right, you can build that up slowly. When you show preferences, it’s quite a vulnerable intimacy building thing, you’re showing people who you really, we really stand what you want and don’t want. And this is going to make or break your relationship with people as it should. Next, we might move into the inviting stage, then you might start low level, we just start telling people, you know, man, I really enjoyed talking to you, I hope I see you again sometime. So you just sort of showing interest in seeing them outside of wherever it is you met them or we usually see them. And then of course, the next level after there would be to be more specific and inviting people in and say like, I’d love to see you again, I’m going to this gig on Saturday night, you should come with me. You know, like oh, we’re both into hiking, let’s go for a hike on Sunday, and taking them away from wherever you met them into your life quite directly. Finally, taking the risk of a proper rejection. Next Level Up might be holding strong on your more polarizing opinions and preferences. So allowing conflict to occur between you and other people, because you disagree on something and allowing people to be polarized by you. So they can see where you strongly stand and they’re either going to level Hu, maybe the level after that would be showing direct interest to an intense level, whether it’s sexual, or deep love, being able to tell people like man, I really like you are saying I want you to come home with me tonight, I’m really taking that all out like I’m really into so decide whether you like me or not, because this is going further if you do after that you might work on building more vulnerability, sharing your weaknesses, your secrets, the things you’re ashamed of demanding that they do the same and return so that it’s reciprocal and balanced and safe. And sound really open up to people. And then from there, you’re basically at the final level. And the next thing would be just boundary setting and long term relationship planning. You know, so working with people on how you’re going to interact with each other so that you survive for the long term. And I’ll finish with a very important tip, and that is to exploit the recency bias. If you don’t know what that is, we give more emotional weight to things that happened more recently than in the past most of the time. So this is the reason their doctors might give kids a lollipop at the end of the visit. So their final memory of the doctor is this nice treat, and that memory will have more weights than the pain of getting their flu shot or whatever. So you can do this to yourself to make socializing something that you’re able to maintain and sustain without kind of being overwhelmed by fear and discomfort. So first off, never push yourself too hard, just to some level of discomfort is enough. And secondly, make sure you end on a high note in some way, shape or form could be as simple as rewarding yourself with a treat after you done some socializing. Or it could be finishing your night talking to the safe person that you really liked your favorite friend, you know, one thing I used to do when I was, say in a bar, I’d go talk to a girl, maybe I get shot down. And then I’ll go back to my table of friends and have a laugh again. And I would make sure that before I went home, that was the final thing I did. So my final memory of socializing is having a good, comfortable, safe time with my friends. Don’t end on a low note, let’s say you just got a vicious rejection from somebody and you’re really embarrassed and humiliated. Keep socializing until you have an enjoyable experience, even if you just chat to the guy at the gas station on your way home, and just have a pleasant little interaction with a make sure that’s your final memory. And you’ll be able to sustain motivation, which is a big problem for a lot of people working on their social confidences, they get barrage by all these uncomfortable social feelings, and they just need a break from it. Because that’s a final memory, it starts to feel like a chore. And I hope that I’m able to help you further should you need to get in touch dan@brojo.org And I can coach you on building social confidence. I’ve done it with hundreds of people. Pretty much everyone can do it. It’s not some mystery. It’s just a lot of skills that you need to build and behaviors you need to practice. And really it is available to you if you want it bad enough. Thank you for watching or listening, and I’ll see you next time.

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