Each week, I’ll repost my most popular social media posts in one place, for… reasons. I dunno. Just don’t wanna waste them or something. Enjoy. Or don’t. I’m so tired.
On staying silent…
Nice Guys tend to avoid conflict, and our favourite method for doing this is to stay silent when we disagree with something (depending on the audience).
We have a deep belief in creating a life where there are no problems, i.e. no uncomfortable emotions. From this belief, we come to the conclusion that any action that might cause discomfort must therefore be the wrong thing to do.
We stay silent when can’t think of a good way to create comfortable emotions during a disagreement. We figure at least by staying silent we don’t provoke discomfort.
Of course, the problem is that staying silent only guarantees future pain. We will hold in resentment. We will get mistreated. We gaslight people into thinking we’re something we’re not. We won’t get what we want. We might even lose who we are.
The correct belief, of course, is that there will ALWAYS be discomfort in your life. The key is knowing which discomfort is the better choice – now, or later.
Note: overcoming this belief is covered in Module 2 of the Nice Guy Recovery course.
Most people – not just Nice Guys – are too scared to approach a total stranger that they’re attracted to and start a genuine conversation, especially one that includes sharing your honest motivation for coming over.
And yet, the likelihood you’ll be seriously harmed in any major way is minimal. So why are we afraid?
Firstly, we actually do think that we’ll be harmed. From getting slapped in the face to having our careers trashed with a #metoo accusation, many men are convinced that it’s actually dangerous to approach a woman.
Secondly, we’ve only ever seen this done by men we’d rather not emulate, like psychopathic players or drunken creeps. We don’t want to do the same things they do and be judged as being like them.
Thirdly, we’ve been raised to believe that this is “bad” and shameful behaviour, and that somehow it harms a women to “hit on them”, like the pressure and fear they feel when being wolf-whistled at by rowdy tradesmen on their way to work.
But the truth is that we’ve rarely, if ever, seen this being done WELL. We’ve lacked rolemodels of healthy masculinity – men who make a girl’s day when they come to say Hi, no matter the final “outcome”.
The key is knowing how to combine honesty, respect, compassion and bravery into a single sentence, showing the receiver without doubt that
a) they aren’t going to be harmed or pressured
b) they know exactly what your intentions are
c) they get to walk away feeling better about themselves and the world in general
d) their preferences and needs will be observed, acknowledged and respected
e) they have finally met a guy who isn’t like all the others
It can be done. It just has to be done different to what you’ve imagined or seen before.
Dan’s Top Resources
Dan has 3 bestselling non-fiction books available in both written and audio form:
- The Naked Truth, his latest release, shows you how radical honesty builds self-confidence and relationships
- Nothing to Lose explores how to build confidence from the inside by correcting the programming in your brain
- The Legendary Life is a very practical, action-focused guide on how to plan and execute a life plan that brings you your ideal lifestyle
Dan continues to put out high quality online self-paced courses through the Udemy platform
- Nice Guy Recovery: how to transform from a people pleaser into a confident beast.
- Shamelessness: how to relieve yourself of the “not good enough” story
- Powerful Honesty: takes you through step-by-step development of your communication skills to be more charismatic and powerful in your honesty
- The 3X Confidence and Authenticity Masterclass program: use the famous 3X Model to build confidence in all areas of life
- Financial Freedom for Beginners: includes everything from budgeting, to getting a raise, to investing in the stock market, to starting a side-business and more
- Overcoming Your Fear of Rejection… Permanently!: covers the psychology of “rejection” and what actions to take to make yourself immune to the fear of it