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Green Flags: What Healthy Boundary Reactions Should Look Like

This is an excerpt from my new course: Healthy Boundaries in Relationships, Friendships and Work

In this video, we discuss the how to measure whether the person’s reaction to your confrontation is healthy or concerning, allowing you to better judge your future with this person.

A confident person only wants healthy people in their life, so you’re really looking for people who “fight well” and respect you without much effort on your part. We’ll look at what kind of reactions you should expect during the conflict as well as afterwards, which is even more important.

We’ll look at the difference between normal, human imperfections vs signs of dangerous toxicity.

This will help you choose who to keep in your life, and who to protect yourself from!

 


 

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Full transcript (unedited)

You’re about to watch a video. That’s an excerpt of one of my online courses free sample, if you will. If you enjoy it, please get in touch dan@brojo.org. Let me know what you think. We’ve talked enough about red flags. So let’s talk about green flags. Let’s talk about what healthy boundary reactions should look like. It’s actually easier to measure good reactions than it is to measure bad ones, you’ve got to remember that a good healthy connection is almost effortless, you shouldn’t really have to worry about the way they respond to your boundaries, it should be clear to you that that’s going well whenever you do it. So you’re kind of looking for someone who fights well. One of the best measures of the health of a relationship is how you disagree with each other, how you give each other negative feedback, how healthy those conversations are, how fruitful they are, do they lead to an improvement in the relationship, there’s really no other measure that’s more accurate than that. So I’m going to list a bunch of them. Now this person doesn’t need to have all of them. Really even just a few of them are probably a good sign. And very few narcissistic or abusive people show any of these traits. And remember, measuring behavior rather than words is the easiest way to get the most accurate information, they immediately and permanently changed their behavior. Now, I don’t want you to confuse this with people pleasing, where someone just bends over every time you have a complaint. But generally, when you say that kind of deal breaker boundary with someone and you talk it through, and they agree that this behavior needs to change for the health of the relationship. What follows is a consistent change in their behavior for ever for the longest time. And definitely. And that’s really, there’s nothing stronger than that as a measurement. Like I said, if that always happens, and the person never resist anything, you say, that’s a bit of a warning. But if you see a combination, sometimes they push back and say, No, I don’t want to do that. I’m willing to lose you. And other times, they’re like, You know what, that’s fear of being in the wrong here, I’m going to change it. And then they do. Yeah, that’s a really healthy sign. They listen carefully, they let you finish, they might even reflect back what you’ve said, to make sure that they’ve heard you, right. They seem to care, and they want to understand you. And it’s more important to them than winning the argument. They are concerned that you’re hurt, even though they might be the ones who are being accused. It bothers them that you’re harmed, and they want to understand and care for you. When they do disagree. It’s mostly about how you want them to change is not an invalidation of your hurt feelings or your boundary, they might say something like, I could see why you want that and why you believe that. However, I can’t be this way. It’s not right. It’s not me. They never dismiss what you feel and never say you’re wrong, or you aren’t right to be angry about that, or anything like that. They’re okay that you have this boundary, even if you’re insane. Even if your boundary makes no sense, they let you have it. But they might push back on what it is you want them to change. They don’t just say no, I’m not going to do it. I don’t want to discuss this any further. They always follow the discussion through to the battery, and they never leave something hanging and refuse to go into that space. Now some people like somebody who’s depressed might not want to talk about a right now here and today. But they will come back to it. They call you out on inconsistencies and boundaries that you have both with them and with others. It’s like they are invested in you doing this well. They want your boundaries to be strong and consistent, even if it means they have to change their behavior, even if it’s inconvenient for them personally. And it seems like they want to make sure they understand what you really want that you’re not just bouncing around between different ideas and go hot and cold. They want you to be solid, they urge you to stand up to them and to be honest, and to be that way with others. So they want you to be assertive, they want you to respect yourself, they seem to prioritize you being honest over themselves feeling good. They’re more upset with you hiding things that you don’t like about them than they are with you giving them negative feedback. They they seem to prioritize honesty, over having a good time. They make obvious efforts to keep themselves calm and rational during an argument. You generally feel that they’re safe person to open up to that you can start expressing yourself without even a clearer idea of what it is you want to say. You don’t have to worry that you have to do it perfectly or otherwise they’re going to turn it against you or explode. There’s someone that you can be messy with and not have to be afraid. They may not be perfect. But on those rare occasions where they do react badly, they come back and fix it. I’ve got to emphasize rare occasions. So if someone always blows up and then comes back meekly and apologizes the next day, that’s actually toxic, but someone who’s usually really good with confrontations and they’re having a bad day and they were sick and they didn’t get enough sleep last night, and then they exploded. And they’re right away or as soon as possible. They come back and they’re like, You know what I was in the wrong there. How can we fix this? That’s actually pretty good. And it’s human. There’s no partner in this world who will always react perfectly to every conference. Asian of fact, I would consider that to be a red flag, that person is probably manipulating, you have very little doubt about what they want and what they don’t want, what their preferences are, what their boundaries and values are. They seem to be very good at setting boundaries themselves, they’re very assertive themselves. So obviously, they’re going to be encouraging of you doing this, they seem to think that’s a good way to be because they live by it themselves. On that note, they seem like they’re actually willing to lose you, if it means protecting their integrity. But they will also fight for the relationship, they’re not going to give up on you easily, and they don’t have unreasonably high standards. But they do not tolerate disrespect. You observe them setting boundaries strongly with other people, you can see their respect as a consistent theme in their life. They refuse to discuss emotional stuff via text or email. In order they at least agree not to do it. And they prefer face to face, they seem to really value being in contact with someone and doing it properly, and they are congruent. That means there’s no exceptions, there’s no bizarre changes, where they’re one way with you. And another way with other people, for example, sometimes they’re hot, and sometimes they’re cold, you can really reliably predict how they’re gonna respond each and every time like they almost never surprise you.

How you can make massive progress in just a few months!

You can do all this on your own.

Through trial and error, books, courses and online content, you can figure it out slowly piece by piece over time if you dedicate yourself to it and are willing to fail often and get uncomfortable in order to achieve social mastery and build strong self confidence.

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You can work directly with me in your corner for a short period of time and achieve the same results in months that would take you YEARS on your own (or your money back!).

That’s what my confidence coaching is really all about. I accelerate your progress significantly by ensuring you:

  • Overcome your fear of rejection
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  • Help you see your blind spots and errors and develop a measurement system that you can use on your own to ensure ongoing improvement for life

It took me about 7-10 years to figure this stuff out on my own. It takes my average coaching client only about 3-6 months to achieve a level of mastery that leaves them able to continue coaching themselves to further success while feeling absolutely certain that they’re on the right path (proven by the results they get).

I’ve turned virgins into fathers.

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I’ve released overthinkers so they become powerfully decisive.

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Thanks for reading

Hope to speak to you soon

Dan Munro

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