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Getting Respect: What Boundary Setting is All About

This video is an excerpt from my new course: Healthy Boundaries in Relationships, Friendships and Work

This video emphasizes the importance of self-respect in setting boundaries, arguing that getting one’s ‘why’ correct is crucial for effective confrontations.

We’ll explore the need to replace the desire for control with the desire to respect oneself and live by one’s core values.

In the second part of the conversation, we’ll look at the importance of setting and enforcing boundaries in various contexts, emphasizing the need to communicate one’s limits clearly and assertively without being aggressive or controlling.

 


 

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Full transcript (unedited)

You’re about to watch a video. That’s an excerpt of one of my online courses free sample, if you will. If you enjoy it, please get in touch dan@brojo.org Let me know what you think. This video we’re going to talk about respect and talk about what this word means and why it’s so fundamental to the concept of boundary setting. So a key principle throughout this course is going to be getting your why correct your motive your intention, if you can get that correct confrontations are actually really easy to get it wrong. confrontations are really difficult and really emotional. I’ve worked with confrontations for literally decades now. And I’ve come to the conclusion that the best intention you can have is to build self respect. This is the only thing that you can control that requires nothing from anyone else. Because no matter how good you are at confrontations, there is no guaranteed way to control another person. You cannot force people to even listen to you, let alone change their behavior and treat you with respect and do what it is that you prefer. So as soon as you’re attached to anything that’s about controlling other people what will probably call attachment to outcomes, you’re already lost. Because no matter how good you get at your tactics, you won’t be able to control everyone. You can however, make the reason you do confrontations and boundary setting about building your confidence through building yourself respect. And if it’s always about that, then it doesn’t matter how the other person reacts. Sure, you’re always going to have a preferred way for them to react. And you always hope that the confrontations are easy and comfortable. But they almost never will be. And the other person might never really change their behavior the way you exactly prefer. But you can always stand up for yourself and create their love for yourself through that behavior. I’ll repeat this many times throughout the course, if you’re struggling with confrontation, even if there’s just an inner struggle of anxiety, through to the outer struggle of causing arguments and conflicts all the time, it’ll be because you’re trying to control other people. If you can let go of that, by replacing that desire, with the desire to just respect yourself and live by your own core values. Not only will your confrontations be more effective, and you will actually get what you want more often, it won’t matter if they’re not what is respect. The best and most concise definition I’ve ever found, is live and let live. And there’s two elements to this. Live means for yourself. Think of yourself as a fortress with a wall around it. Now everybody outside the wall can do whatever they like. But they cannot come into the fortress and do damage. They cannot come and rearrange the furniture and burn things down and tell you how to live your life. So respecting yourself the live part of live and let live means that you don’t let anyone cross over the wall into your fortress. And when they do you gently but firmly push them back out again. Let live means to give this to other people as well. So in order for you to be able to demand respect from others, you have to be able to give it which means you don’t cross over their walls Do you don’t try to control them, you don’t try to tell them how to live, even if they’re your own children, you do not try to control them. You just say don’t cross my wall. And I’ll let you do what you want to do out there. Now your wall might surround your family. So you’re not gonna let people harm your family or surround your loved ones or even your country. That’s fine. But the key is you’re looking to do the minimal amount of damage to other people in order to keep yourself respected. So when I say the word setting the boundary throughout this course, I’m talking about showing people the wall, here’s the line that I don’t want you to cross. Now, of course in real life, there is no real wall, it’s invisible. So you have to tell them about it. They’re not going to be able to see it, you can assume that people know what you’re Waller’s. We’ll talk about this more later in the course. But you can’t hold people to account for not knowing something you haven’t told them. Right? They can’t read your mind. So setting a boundary is when somebody behaves in a certain way and you go hang on a second, that crosses the line. Don’t do that. Again. I prefer this My opinion is that this is where my line is at this moment. And it can change. Enforcing the boundary is what we’ll refer to throughout this course as assertiveness and this is a much more active role. So setting a boundary is usually just verbal, just saying what you want, occasionally writing it. But enforcing the boundary is where you behave because they’ve now breached The wall a second time or subsequent, you’ve already told them what the wall is. And now they’re coming over it again. And this is where talking time is over. And assertiveness is, you might say either pushing them back over the wall, or building the wall even higher so they can’t come over it again. And this will take lots of different forms of real life, which we’ll talk about in more detail throughout the course. But remember, you’re not going to cross over into the wall. So when I’m trying to stop someone hurting me, I’m not going to hurt them. In Revenge, that’s not boundary setting, I’m just gonna say stay out of my forte, away you go. And I’ll take whatever actions necessary to keep them out of my forte, which might be just a stern consequence all the way through to cutting them out of my life forever, and everything in between. So aggression is not the same as assertiveness. Aggression means going over into their fortress and trying to do damage trying to harm them, take revenge, change who they are, control their behavior. This course is not about aggression. We’re not here to control other people, we’re just going to stop them controlling us. So think of respect as managing the property lines so that the community is in harmony in peace. Right. It’s about managing the borders so that there isn’t a war.

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Thanks for reading

Hope to speak to you soon

Dan Munro

 

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