Integrity sacrifices highs

One of the painful truths about living virtuously, that is to say living with integrity and adhering your behaviour to align with your core values, is that it’s not as pleasurable as living hedonistically or thoughtlessly.

The Stoics noticed this when they explored the virtue of Moderation, and it was probably their main issue with Epicureanism. They realised that for a longer term quality of life, short-term pleasures needed to be sacrificed. Things like gambling, drinking and promiscuity had such disastrous long-term effects that the highs these behaviours delivered simply weren’t worth the cost.

When I first started building my confidence, I noticed this effect as well. While living more aligned with my core values gave me a sense of power, bravery and love for myself, I wasn’t really feeling as much pleasure as I was before. Being honest did have a certain deep reward, but emotionally did not compete with taking MDMA or thrilling people at a party with a false yet entertaining performance.

On a rational level I understood that I would gain more in a total net sense by giving up alcohol and drugs, and people pleasing, and one night stands with strangers. I knew that my life would have a higher baseline quality. But I also knew that I wouldn’t feel this improvement in a strong way, like how you barely notice your body changing as you exercise consistently and eat healthy.

So this raised a valid question: if it feels better to live in “sin” and just chase short-term highs, what’s the appeal of living with integrity?

The answer is actually obvious and simple. No hang-overs. No messy break ups. Reduced risk of severe health problems and legal battles and regretting a life wasted. Better career, better health, better relationships, strong self worth. Again, rationally, integral living is the clear winner.

But I also want to feel good, right?! Surely, we shouldn’t have to sacrifice it all. Surely, enjoyment and pleasure is still possible.

So I started searching for a healthy way to get high. And slowly, it dawned on me. It had already been happening, I just hadn’t realised it. I was still getting instant-gratification, but because it was more mellow and healthy than what I previously considered to be a “high”, it took me a while to notice it, and even longer to truly appreciate it.

One high left: good decisions

Good decisions are any choices we make that increase our odds for a higher quality of life. Sure, luck has a say in things, and even good decisions can eventually have bad outcomes, but for the most part you’re giving yourself a better chance than you would making bad decisions.

Integrity is all about making good decisions. You weigh up your inner principles against the likely external variables that would affect your long-term quality of life – i.e. how much your future self will thrive – and you choose the behaviour most likely to serve that goal.

And when you get it right, it does feel good. It’s not the same high as taking drugs or orgasming, but in some ways it’s better. It’s not as sharp, but it’s longer lasting and there are no nasty side-effects or hangovers or delayed payments with interest. You get to win without having a big downside to counter it later on. But you have to consciously notice, measure and appreciate it to even realise it’s happened.

I first noticed it while playing chess. I would stop rushing and actually plan my moves, considering the likely responses the other player would make, then slowly, carefully, and rationally play the game. As I saw my plans come to fruition, there would be a sense of victory and pride in myself, especially if the way I played involved resisting the urge for instant gratification (e.g. making quick bold sacrifices) and just playing solid chess instead.

Then I start to notice it in the other areas of my life.

I’d see myself reaching for junk food, and instead slowly and deliberately talk myself into eating a healthy snack instead. I wouldn’t feel the same high I get from eating cake (which isn’t as high in real life as it is in our anticipation, have you noticed?), but I’d feel a deeper sense of having won some sort of battle, not just in the short-term, but for the longer term goals of living to see my daughter grow and being physically independent in my old age.

I’d feel the urge to manipulate my wife with something that would get my needs met, e.g. make her feel guilty that I was doing extra work, and then I’d bite my tongue and try to say something humble and honest instead. I’d immediately notice that not only did I feel more healthy and pure saying the honest thing, but it also had an instant positive effect on the conflict, taking the heat out of it through humility. It would also be obvious that I was improving our longer term relationship as well, and being a man I’d admire if I saw him from the outside.

I’d notice myself about to encourage a potential coaching client to sign up with me, simply because it would mean more money in my pocket, and yet also knowing deep down I didn’t want to work with this person. So again, I’d suppress the desire to sell, and instead make the smarter move of recommending that the person sees someone else. Not only am I making the best decision for my wellbeing and the sustainability of my coaching practice (my satisfaction is more helpful than a quick paycheck), but it’s also in the other guy’s best interest, which made me feel like I was being a good person.

My personal finances improved slowly with smart investing. My social circle started to fill with excellent people. My body started to feel younger and more vibrant.

Most of all, what I noticed in terms of an internal experience following these good decisions is that I felt INTELLIGENT.  I had a sense of being smart and clever, of being rational in the face of temptation to be unwise. I felt disciplined, solid and reliable, like my future self would be grateful and have no negative feedback whatsoever.

THIS is my new high.

I’ve started sharing this idea with my clients, many of whom are in the transition from gratification-seeking people-pleasing to confident men and women of integrity. As they transition, they sometimes complain that they can’t get high anymore, that life feels too serious. Now, I have something new to offer as a reward for continued valued-living.

The elements of good decision making

If you want to feel intelligent, there are some key elements to good decision making that you need to try to keep in mind at all times.

If/then thinking. Rather than hoping everything goes to your ideal plan and being devastated when life has other ideas, try to be prepared to pivot at any moment. This can including anticipatory planning, like thinking “If there’s traffic, then I’ll listen to a podcast” or “If they don’t serve vegan food, I’ll just order a salad and take out the meat”. Or it can just be a general mindset, where as soon as things go “wrong” you immediately think “What’s the most productive counter to this problem?” and act on it.

Take your time, but don’t overthink. Make sure you carefully consider the most likely effects of your decision on yourself and those you care about. But once you’ve narrowed it down to a few best-available options, make a move rather than considering further. If you find yourself taking more than a few minutes to choose, you’re probably overdoing it. Don’t wait for fantasies and ideal situations to come true; do what you can with what is actually ready to move on right now.

Eyes on the prize. Who are you trying to become? How would this shape your future self? Few people have the presence of mind to remember their goals and values when making everyday decisions. When you go to eat breakfast, do you ask how the food you choose aligns with your long-term vision? When you speak, does it represent the person you wish you were? Take a moment to remember your WHY.

Evidence-based and empirical. You’ve been educated in various ways throughout your life, so put that wisdom to use. Try to think in terms of odds and statistics. It might feel good to get drunk, but what does the data say about people who drink vs those who don’t? It might seem like your friend’s gossip is believable, but what kind of evidence are you really seeing here? Be critical and skeptical.

Micro matches the macro. Your in-the-moment daily decisions should not look opposing to the kind of person you wish to be; the bigger picture. If you want freedom, you shouldn’t be working 10 hours per day. If you want to be honest, you shouldn’t be lying to your children. If you want to be healthy, you shouldn’t be smoking cigarettes. Figure out how to be your future self TODAY.

Unhelpful interference must be ruled out. Be humble about the impact of your insecurities, conditioning and culture. People are constantly manipulating you about what is “right” for you. You must delete that information and get back to good data and sensible ideas. You might need to disappoint people, or make them judge you, or do something weird. Do what’s right for you personally.

Daily practice

I’ve found the best daily practice to enhance your decision making is actually in journaling – reviewing the decisions you’ve already made with a critical eye, encouraging yourself to change what didn’t work and repeat what did. Don’t shy away from the results. Embrace “mistakes” as an opportunity to get smarter.

Rather than falling into the sunk-cost fallacy of investing in decisions and trying to justify them, treat your life as if it’s a project someone else was managing yesterday and they’ve just dropped it on your lap. You don’t owe them anything, and you can change anything if needed.

One of the smartest decisions you can make is to redeem yourself: clean up a mess you made in the past, and course-correct when you’ve made bad decisions.

Ate like crap yesterday? Eat healthier today. I track what I eat, and if I overdid it yesterday, I’ll exercise more and be stricter today to counter-balance it.

Said something mean to your friend during a heated argument? Call them and admit you were in the wrong. If, upon reflection, I realise that I was more interested in controlling my daughter than considering the best interests of her development, I’ll talk to her about this and make sure she knows that he can call me out on my bullshit.

Invested in a stupid idea? Cut your losses and back out as much as possible. My wife and I got caught up in a bad property deal last year, and backing out cost us over $10K – money down the drain. But staying in would have cost us so much more, so it was smart to take the smaller loss.

Set a reminder on your phone for 2 or 3 times per day to stop and think about what you’re doing. Remind yourself of the big picture, your vision for your future self. Remind yourself of what really matters, and what the priority should be. Imagine it’s your last day on earth and you want to get it right.

I promise: it will feel good to see yourself starting to string smart decisions together!

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