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Why “Embracing Failure” Isn’t Nihilism — It’s Peak Performance
Every now and then someone gets into a spirited debate about one of my books or concepts, and I realise I need to clarify something that clearly isn’t landing the way I intended. This time it was a guy named Fred, who ended up arguing with a friend about my take on “embracing failure.” So let’s start with what his friend actually said, because it’s a perfect example of a very common misunderstanding of my work.
Here’s the gist of the message Fred received:
“It sounds like Dan is saying that being focused on goals or outcomes causes unhappiness, and that letting go of winning leads to a better life. But doesn’t that mean we should accept failure and not try to win? It seems nihilistic. I like winning — it motivates me. I struggle with failure because of how it makes me see myself, but wouldn’t the smartest way to deal with those negative perceptions be to win more, rather than embrace failure?”
This is a completely understandable reaction… and also completely wrong.
And honestly, that’s probably my fault for the way I communicate some of these ideas. So let’s fix it.
What follows is the real meaning behind “letting go of winning” — and why embracing failure is not giving up, not laziness, not nihilism, and definitely not slacking off. In fact, it’s the exact opposite: it’s the only reliable path to peak performance.
Why Winning Feels So Good (But Doesn’t Mean What You Think)
Let’s just acknowledge the obvious upfront: winning feels good. No argument there.
But we have to be honest about why winning feels good.
Most people believe that winning equals success — that it’s proof they gave their best effort, proof they’re improving, proof they’re good enough. But that’s not what’s actually happening.
Winning is mostly a validation hit.
A little dopamine spike.
A momentary drowning-out of the “not enough” story.
We don’t love winning because it represents our fullest potential.
We love winning because it quiets our insecurities.
Think about it:
- Winning is approval from your peers.
- Winning is revenge on the bullies in your childhood.
- Winning is proving your father wrong.
- Winning is a temporary shield against shame.
Frank Sinatra supposedly said, “The best revenge is massive success,” and whether he actually said it or not, it captures the psychology perfectly: winning is a way to not feel bad about ourselves for a few seconds.
But the idea that winning = performing at your best is a mistake.
Most wins never require your full capability. They only require you to be slightly better than your competition — and that’s a very low bar compared to what you’re actually capable of.
Real Peak Performance Always Ends in Failure
Here’s the key idea most people miss:
If you reach your true limits, failure is guaranteed.
That’s not philosophy; it’s physics.
Your maximum output has a stopping point. If you hit that point, you fail.
When I talk about “embracing failure,” I’m not talking about slacking off, giving up, or doing nothing.
I’m talking about pushing yourself beyond the point where winning is possible.
Let’s use a simple example.
I can do 6 strict pull-ups.
I cannot do 7.
If I perform 6 pull-ups, I succeed. I “win.”
But that is not my best effort.
My best effort is six and a half ugly, shaking, vein-bulging, almost-getting-the-seventh pull-ups — the one where I fail halfway up. That is the moment I cross the line between what I know I can do and the terrain of what I didn’t think I could do.
Success = staying within your known limits.
Failure = pushing beyond them.
Which one sounds more like growth?
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The Problem With Winning: You Can Stop Early
Winning is seductive because it allows you to stop early and still feel proud.
Look at Usain Bolt.
When he’s winning by a mile, what does he do? He smiles at the camera. He jogs. He coasts across the finish line.
Does anyone think that’s his absolute peak output?
Of course not.
He beat the people.
He didn’t beat his limits.
And that’s the trap. When you measure your performance by comparison with others, you’ll almost always stop the moment you’re ahead. You don’t have to go further. You don’t have to risk failure. You only need to stay slightly above the herd.
But if your goal is genuine self-mastery, then beating people is irrelevant.
The only meaningful standard is your own potential.
And the only reliable indicator that you’ve reached your potential is… you guessed it:
You failed.
Redefining What a “Win” Actually Is
People hear “embrace failure” and think I’m telling them to sit on the couch and give up on life.
No.
I’m telling you to aim at something so hard that giving up isn’t even an option — because trying your absolute hardest inevitably leads to failure.
Here’s a better definition of “winning”:
A win is pushing yourself to the point where you cannot go another inch.
Not metaphorically — literally.
Like in the gym: training “to failure.”
That is not nihilism.
That is not laziness.
That is not disinterest in success.
That is the purest expression of effort you can produce.
Anything less is leaving potential on the table.
Everest vs. the Hill Behind Your House
Imagine two scenarios:
- You climb a small mountain you already know you can handle. You make it to the top. No surprises. Minimal challenge. You win.
- You attempt Everest — and fail. Maybe the altitude crushes you. Maybe the weather turns. You don’t make the summit.
Which one are you secretly more proud of?
The easy climb is a win in the traditional sense, sure. You beat the hill.
But Everest is the one that tests you. That breaks you open. That forces growth.
Success = comfort.
Failure = stretching your limits.
One protects your ego.
The other destroys it and rebuilds you stronger.
If you define winning as “beating something that was already within your capability,” then yes — go climb the easy mountain.
If you define winning as “becoming more than you were yesterday,” then the only real wins are found in the battles you’re not expected to win.
Why Failure Is the Only Honest Measure of Growth
Let’s zoom out.
When you succeed at something, what have you learned?
What have you proven?
Mostly that you were already capable of it.
But when you fail, especially at something you deeply attempted, you learn:
- where your real boundary is
- what skills are missing
- what mindset cracks still show up
- how much further you can push next time
This is why elite performers chase failure.
This is why progressive overload works in the gym.
This is why mastery always looks like a graveyard of failed attempts.
The person who “wins” too often is stagnating.
If I’m the undefeated boxer in a weak division, I’m not growing.
If I’m the smartest guy in the room, I’m in the wrong room.
If I always get A’s, my classes are too easy.
If you’re always winning, your competition is too small.
If you’re always failing, you’re exactly where you should be.
So What Does “Letting Go of Winning” Actually Mean?
It means letting go of winning as your source of identity, meaning, and self-worth.
It means not choosing tasks based on whether you’ll look good doing them.
It means not limiting your effort to the amount required to beat other people.
It means being willing to lose because you attempted something outside your current capacity.
It means pushing beyond the point that guarantees victory.
It means using failure as the compass that tells you you’re on the right path.
When I say “embrace failure,” I’m saying:
Choose challenges that break you.
Not challenges that flatter you.
And when I say “let go of winning,” I’m saying:
Don’t ever stop at the point where success is achieved.
Keep going until you collapse.
That — collapsing at the finish line, face-down in the dirt, knowing you had nothing left to give — is the real win.
The Paradox: People Think Failure Means Laziness
Let’s address this head-on.
People hear “embrace failure” and assume I’m saying:
- aim low
- don’t try
- accept mediocrity
- shrug off effort
- avoid achievement
But if you understand what genuine failure is, you realise it takes more effort than success does.
It takes more courage to try something you cannot win.
It takes more vulnerability to expose your limits.
It takes more humility to look stupid in public.
It takes more resilience to push beyond exhaustion.
It takes more grit to choose Everest over the neighbourhood hill.
“Winning” is the real cop-out.
You can win without breaking a sweat.
You can win without learning anything.
You can win without growing.
Failure, on the other hand, demands everything.
So if someone thinks embracing failure is nihilism, they’re revealing something important:
they’ve only ever experienced failure through the lens of shame.
When you see failure through the lens of growth, you start chasing it like oxygen.
Fail Better Than Yesterday
Here’s a simple way to apply all of this:
Don’t try to win today. Try to fail better than you failed yesterday.
If yesterday you failed on your seventh pull-up,
today try to fail on your seventh-and-a-half.
If yesterday you bombed while speaking to one stranger,
today bomb with three.
If yesterday you wrote two pages of a book that sucked,
today write three pages that suck even more honestly.
This is not self-destruction.
This is improvement.
Every day, stretch your capacity to fail further.
That’s the real metric.
Final Thoughts
I hope this clears up the confusion for anyone who hears me talk about “letting go of winning” and imagines I’m advocating for giving up on life.
I’m not telling you to stop caring.
I’m telling you to care about the right thing.
Winning is a pleasant side effect.
Failure is the real signal of growth.
Let go of beating other people.
Let go of the cheap dopamine hit of validation.
Let go of the myth that success equals excellence.
Instead:
- seek out harder challenges
- pursue the edges of your ability
- choose the arena where you’re likely to lose
- push until you literally cannot continue
- fail more deeply and honestly each time
That’s what I mean by embracing failure.
Not nihilism — transformation.
And if you’ve got more questions about this or anything else, just email me at dan@brojo.co.nz.
Subscribe to the YouTube channel if you enjoy these topics.
Don’t share the content if you don’t like it.
And I’ll see you next time.
Cheers.
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