This is an excerpt from my course: Nice Guy Syndrome Recovery & Social Confidence

The Truth About Niceness: Why Being a People Pleaser Might Be Hurting More Than Helping

In this post, we’re transitioning from exploring the mindset of the “nice guy” to discussing practical actions for recovery. We’ll start touching on some immediate changes you can make and delve deeper into these as we progress. But for now, let’s focus on a fundamental belief many people pleasers hold: “Other people benefit from my niceness.”

The Belief: Niceness Equals Goodness

It’s a common belief that being nice and pleasing others is inherently good. We think that if we make someone happy or receive approval, we must be doing something beneficial. But is this really the case?

Think about this: if someone is high on drugs, they feel good. But does that mean they are doing something good for their long-term well-being? Probably not. Similarly, the short-term happiness you create for others with your niceness can be compared to a temporary high. While it feels good in the moment, it may not be beneficial in the long run.

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Unwanted Help and Its Consequences

Have you ever had someone help you without your consent or push their advice onto you? How did it make you feel? Often, unsolicited niceness feels suffocating or judgmental, as if the other person thinks you’re too weak to handle your own life.

Ironically, the behaviors nice guys and people pleasers exhibit are often the very things they dislike when done to them. Pushing niceness onto others can feel like pressure, creating an imbalance where the recipient feels indebted and even guilty. This dynamic is not fair—you’re essentially putting someone in emotional debt without their permission.

The Control Hidden in Niceness

When you insist on being nice, you’re often trying to control other people’s emotions, making them feel good because you believe they can’t do it themselves. This mindset is condescending. It implies that others are too weak to manage their own feelings, and only you can save them.

But here’s the truth: people can handle their own emotions. By constantly intervening, you’re not helping them grow stronger; you’re making them dependent and fragile.

The Hidden Resentment of Niceness

As you continue to people please, you might notice a growing resentment. You let others walk all over you, don’t stand up for yourself, and often feel like you’re not getting as much niceness back as you’re giving. This resentment doesn’t usually target the people who take advantage of your niceness—it’s often directed at those closest to you, who see the worst version of you because they’re the ones you feel safe around.

The Harmful Impact on Others

When you hold back your truth to avoid confrontation or to keep others happy, you’re not helping them. Shielding someone from uncomfortable emotions or truths robs them of the opportunity to build resilience. The real world is full of challenges, and by depriving people of the chance to face difficulties, you’re making them less prepared for reality.

The Best Way to Help Others

The belief that you must always put others first and sacrifice your own needs is misguided. The best way to truly benefit others is by taking care of yourself. When you prioritize your own needs and well-being, you’re in a stronger position to help others. You’re like the person on an airplane who needs to put on their own oxygen mask before assisting others.

Helping others from a place of strength means you can provide support without making them dependent. If someone asks for help, assist them, but make sure you’re encouraging them to take responsibility for their own problems. Be there with them, but don’t solve their issues for them.

Conclusion: Redefining Niceness

In summary, your niceness might give others a short-term boost, but in the long term, it can cause more harm than good. It creates dependency, resentment, and fragility. True help comes from being strong yourself and allowing others to face their challenges and grow. Remember, putting yourself first isn’t selfish—it’s essential for genuinely benefiting others.

Stop kidding yourself into thinking that constant niceness is the best way to help. Take care of your own needs first, and when you do help others, do it from a place of strength, ensuring you’re supporting them without taking over their responsibility.

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Thanks for reading

Hope to speak to you soon

Dan Munro