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Decisiveness: Making Fast, Bold and Powerful Decisions

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Many men these days regret the missed opportunities that passed them by simply because they couldn’t decide quickly and boldly. In this session, we talk about the decision-making process and the barriers that get in your way.


 

Full transcript (AI unedited)

going you and me for now Brian okay so we’re gonna be talking about the size of nest today and that’s funny it’s a topic I haven’t talked about much really a little bit decision making but it’s actually a huge problem for a lot of people you know that kind of procrastination hesitation although the opposite like impulsiveness and randomness and their decision making not thinking things through

we do you sit at the moment with this topic you know how’s your decisiveness levels yeah I think mostly when someone asks me to pick something I’ll be pretty sure of what I want that I will still take a lot of mental steps to also take them into consideration and and when it comes to taking initiative with it that’s that’s really hard yeah well that’s interesting because that’s yeah there’s two kinds of decisiveness errors and that’s when you’re presented with options and then when you’re actually kind of initiating from nothing yeah it’s choosing something even though there’s no real options so yeah okay that’s interesting so you think it through a lot and you’re presented with options and then when you have to initiate you get much more blocked as they’ve all right yep cool well that’s pretty common I think I hear that kind of thing a lot there are some people who it’s it’s like they get stuck in mud when they’re faced with any decision that they classify as important and then there’s others who even the smallest things what do you want for breakfast they just fall to pieces you know I’ve been watching a lot of documentaries on anxiety based disorders recently you know like anorexia and OCD and agoraphobia things like that and yeah this kind of panic state they get into and they to make choices it’s incredible you know and it kind of prompted me to think maybe we need to start talking about what decision-making indecisiveness is you start having a look at how that affects people’s lives because basically a fix the pace of your life you know we’re gonna talk about today that actually there’s really no such thing as making a wrong decision we’ll have a look at that today but what really indecisiveness does is it slows you down you know there are people make it’s amazing when you get guys like Mark Zuckerberg or General of the like American army or whatever they make like multiple massive decisions every 30 seconds or so you know they’re making huge life-changing decisions for people very very quickly and then at the other end of the spectrum you get like while we’re talk about the kind of person who can choose what they’re gonna eat for breakfast today you know and they lose their whole morning to it and it doesn’t even matter so Christian welcome along man thanks joining us life and guys I mean I’m gonna keep the mics open I’m gonna play with it a little bit today and try and make this more of a discussion rather than a lecture okay the only time I will if there’s like a lot of background noise if somebody comes in they’ve got something going on in my medium for that otherwise I just keep it open if anyone wants to jump in at any point or say something just speak up we’ll see see if we can make this online thing work somewhat similar to their like real life okay awesome see that guy’s good but I’ll intro it today so today we’re gonna be talking about the size of nuts and I wanna start with defining it and actually get you guys opinions on the definition so decisive is where the decisions are made quickly they are bold and they irrational so they’re not just impulsive but they’re kind of clever thought-out they make sense according to your values their leadership type decisions not just random [ __ ] of interest but they’re still done quickly and they’re done when I say something’s done decisively I mean boldly like it’s not a hesitant or an apology in it it’s just done you go all-in and deal with the consequences whereas indecisiveness basically the opposite slow over thinking uncertain a hesitancy being timid in the way that you do us or the other end of the spectrum being random and irrational impulsive or like knee-jerk reactive we don’t think things sort of for at all like autumn an autopilot following where you just do what you’re told or you just follow the crowd and you’re not even thinking what are you guys thoughts on those kind of definitions to get us started what am I missing or what do you agree with it makes a lot of sense to me yeah the rational part is kind of what I instantly think about is where the sort of barrier lies between it being overthinking and it being a rational decision because that that can get can worry for me I think but overall I would definitely yeah I think that overthinking thing is one of the key elements we’ll have to explore today because ultimately it’s not like people are family dinner it’s not that they don’t know what they want it’s they know what they want and then they question it and they ghost in it again and the question of the game and that’s when I that’s why I love the term overthinking is the idea you’ve already thought once and now you’re doing it again you’re doing it right you’ve what you’ve already done enough thinking and now more is happening you know Christian thoughts on the definitions yeah I definitely have an issue with overthinking the way in which I make decisions I generally have to evaluate and assess each and every option available out there in order to make an informed and sound decision and I think that that’s not helping me in timewise because it takes a lot of time to gather all the information evaluate it up to each option and then make a decision what I’d like to know more about how you make decisions when you don’t have enough information yeah let’s glad you brought that up because there we get a glimpse of the belief system underneath overthinking which is one I must know what all the options are and – I must carefully assess all those options before I commit so once you just notice their belief system and just sort of put a question mark on it do I need to know all the options and do I need to assess them all why do I believe that I do it seems obvious perhaps the idea that a rational decision comes from knowing all the options and having assessed them all and choosing the best one well I’m asking does it really is that actually the best way to make decisions we’re gonna have a look at that but particularly as you’ll know from overthinking how many how limitless the options always are you can always imagine other ones or you can always imagine that there might be another one you can’t think of and you’re trying to think of it you know and then even once you’ve got to a limit of options the amount that you can assess them is limitless constantly play them off each I imagine so most people with a spreadsheet of these pros and cons against all – noise you imagine of someone like Mark Zuckerberg making a decision about a change in Facebook there will affect billions of people imagine if he had to assess all the variables Facebook what I never got off the ground right so I want you to just open your mind to the idea that that belief driving over thinking I must know all the options I must assist them carefully might not actually be helpful or even accurate when it comes to this openness if you guys personally we’re in your life would you like to see yourself being more decisive

I’ll go first

why people are on the coal ship to areas in my life where I need where I would like to be more decisive it’s about my career and my direction in life and that recently started working on that because I could not you know keep on you know dabbling in too many things at the same time so I’m definitely working on becoming more decisive in terms of where my career’s going and then when being around women as well because they test you all the time have been several dates lately and they constantly asking you questions what should we do where should we go why should we order what do we do now it’s it’s they’re testing you all the time with questions and they’re kind of forcing me to exercise the decision-making muscle the whole time yeah goom’s a big – very big areas life obviously career is one that people panic with decision-making because they feel like they’re committing to things for long periods of time or missing opportunities and in social leadership where the two of you deciding who’s going to take the reins in this relationship and the decisiveness will decide whether you’re the leader or the follower which plays out for the rest of the relationship essentially you’re sitting that president absolutely Thomas how about yourself yeah and the big life decision thing would definitely also be very present for me that can definitely frees me up for multiple weeks mmm that’s that’s a tough feeling and then what I already touched on a little bit with initiative and like thinking more of the first step when it comes to hey I want this and then trying to get people to follow along or something cool so again big life decisions that seem to have a long-term impact and leadership as well yeah I think you guys probably represent the pack pretty well you we’re mostly where most people freeze or the decisions they consider important or scary are the important ones you know what am I going to do with my life those kind of questions if people just freeze at the idea of getting that wrong and then of course the you’re in some sort of social situation somebody’s gotta call the shots and you know what you want or you think you know you want and then whether or not you can follow through and actually being leader in going for what you want so there’s a decisiveness not just in making the decision but falling through that isn’t it so you can never delay in making the decision like overthinking mmm or you can have a delay and the decisions may in your head but it’s not being acted out yeah courage delay and then by that time somebody may have already like that’s a good taking the rings yeah that’s one of the reasons I want guys like you to become more decisive is because if you don’t someone else will and I’ve got a video coming out soon about risk-taking the problem is is in that space it’s often the worst people first so the people who are often very decisive without hesitation psychopaths and narcissists and arrogant people and stupid people are impulsive people and if leaders aren’t taking that space up these people fill it and we can see that with politics around the world we can see there in companies around the world from small groups or the mass of nations the hesitancy of others has leads the worst people that take the reigns yeah and that’s that’s a problem that’s a big problem you know there kind of is us saying from this from the movie Boondock Saints and it’s something like they’re the greatest evil is the indifference of good mean and it’s those kind of idea that if you stand still it’s not that nothing happens bad things happen and that’s why I decisiveness I think is so important for me to like spread the message it’s because I see good people being indecisive I see I won’t call them bad people necessarily harmful people being very decisive and take their space um a bit on my history this is actually one of the few areas we talked about Ambrogio where I have a natural strength so this isn’t something I had to develop I was always quite decisive what I did have to develop is in the past I was much more impulsive than decisive so I could do decisions quickly but not rationally it was kind of me to get away from discomfort and that’s probably just kind of an introvert at extroverted kind of trait which is quick decision-making so I just that’s why my people-pleasing was like put on a show entertain people solve problems I could do that very quickly but I did it just to get away from uncomfortable emotions I wasn’t really thinking I was just on autopilot quickly making decisions but I’ve been ever hone that into rational quickness and I want to talk a bit about how I did that and then we’re going to also talk about the more sort of introverted indecisiveness which is slow rather than quick yeah so this is really about this idea that once you know the right way forward you act on it immediately you don’t think about it again you know second-guess yourself you just go for it but there’s also a quickness to getting to know the right way forward to being certain enough to move without being impulsive or knee-jerk reaction so we’re gonna try and find their beautiful sweet spot where you’re moving quickly but smartly you know what you’re doing and you know why you’re doing it and then I mean it’s a key difference between decisiveness and impulsiveness you know decisiveness is based on values right whereas impulsiveness is based on fear and ego boldness is just a reaction whereas decisiveness is a reaction after a consideration it’s almost as quick and the more you hone and the more you trust yourself the quicker of the comes I’m at a point now where I make decisions and still truly I just feel what’s right and go for and I can trust myself because I’ve trained myself to the hurt to calibrate that feeling I know that feelings on point most of the time now and when it’s wrong it’s calibrated a little bit more and sometimes that’s wrong so there’s two types of indecisiveness you know what to do but you’re afraid to do it you’re not sure what to do and afraid to guess does that cover undecisive miss

think so it’s kind of a deep one thank you we’ll see what else comes yes cover so I’ve made a list of some barriers you know I’ll get you guys thoughts on the barriers tooth decisiveness because that’s all really it is it’s a decision hitting a barrier and the barrier takes place somewhere inside your psyche the barrier comes down the decision comes out the reason I say that is because neuroscience the latest in neuroscience research shows us quite clearly that decisions are made at lightning speed they happen before the event is even finished you know there’s AG Co at least a strong level of determinism in decision-making for example if you’re going into the ice-cream shop you’ve pretty much already chosen your flavor before you even see what’s available like that’s how quickly decision-making occurs so for it to be slow for you to be indecisive means there must be a lot going on it’s getting in the way of this lightning quick reaction process okay

the first one I think is the most obvious one which is overthinking and what some people also call perfectionism hmm so there’s uncertainty or this feeling of uncertainty about the right I’m going to use those annoying finger things the right way to do it for example constantly redoing an application later to get it perfect before you apply for the job you know or coming to a decision and then suddenly to saying that that’s just a first draft and you gotta go back to the start and reconsider so I want I want to define the difference between overthinking and kind of not being able to think of anything everything is you do come to a clear decision straightaway but then you second-guess any third guess it yeah you know you don’t believe that first thing that popped in as opposed to like hesitation or Indus uncertainty which is there’s no clear decision coming through yeah there’s only again yeah yeah it’s funny I can really see that this stinks you know myself when I write emails sometimes because sometimes have a write an email no problem just straight through but then I will reread it like five times just to check if anything’s wrong and sometimes I when it’s really important I have trouble getting started and actually putting anything on paper and yeah paper yep that’s pretty much exactly what I’m talking about like the idea of writing an email and then rewriting it running messages and rewriting it that kind of process either happening outside of your inside your head definitely I’ll just get you guys to turn your videos off and turn them back on again my zone thing just they still reset there’s just the sort of like I want you just notice that that that some idea comes in and is you seeking guessing it that slows you down you could just move forward on that first idea but you don’t there why don’t you

probably out of fear that it might be wrong I guess hmm that’s sort of a failure fear of failure and especially with the hard life decisions you’re like okay I might miss out on a lot of things if I choose wrong here and that’s what keeps your hesitancy really interesting way that you’ve worded there too I’ll miss out on things if I get it wrong even though you miss out on things if you get it right – you know and we’re gonna come to there in a second the fear of getting it wrong which is another of the main barriers and I think maybe these two actually overlap or they’re one causes the other Christian your thoughts I there’s two things with me sometimes it’s perfectionism trying to get make the optimal decision and then you have to evaluate how much time you’re investing in gathering the information or to make the optimal decision but I think I overdo it because for example today I was with a girl and she said you’ll be the DJ in the car and she said just pick a song and I had to go through the entire list of artists before I could take a song and that was stupid it’s just a song you know but I’d overdo it in several areas and well that’s one of the things I want to work on and then sometimes I struggle with having made a decision and then having opportunities come my way that have nothing to do with the decision I made but I still keep on evaluating evaluating those opportunities once I’ve made a decision which make me second-guess or doubt my decision once it has been made so that’s a lack of one one thing is perfectionism the other one is kind of lack of self belief in the decision already made yeah that’s an interesting mom I think my girlfriend was we’re looking at something we just purchased something and I know she was still looking at what was available I was like we’ve already bought it like shoppings done kind of thing no there’s not we’re gonna take it back and swap it and what I realize that she’s doing something that I think a lot of over thinkers do is after her decisions made you then go and assess other opportunities after Anning creates the belief that there’s missed opportunities because you’re actually I found decisive people don’t look back they don’t know what they missed out on because they don’t look for it they just know what they’ve got and they go with it mmm I often think of it like the metaphor I quite often use for this is a comet flying through space and all those bits for and off it that comet tail that you see it’s a dust and chunks of you know the comet doesn’t stop to collect them it just keeps letting go of those things as a blast forward and that’s the size of people they know things have been missed doors are being closed as they make these decisions as they eliminate options down to one but they don’t go check what those options are those make the best of the one they chose so once you notice there’s actually a practice that you’re doing their view double-check yourself after a decision you’re actually creating the awareness of missed opportunities and their awareness may actually be unhelpful it may be better not to know you know a kind of a helpful ignorant especially if you learn to make the most of the decisions you do make then it won’t really be a missed anything I think because of course if you then to go back and take one of those other opportunities you’re missing out on the first one you always get in this one there’s no way to take all the opportunities and this is actually something that sounds really almost patronizingly obvious but all people don’t seem to get is you can’t have all the opportunities you can’t even have a majority of them you can have a tiny slice of them that’s small as possible in each the quicker you make decisions the more of them you can have hmmm indecisiveness all it does is ensure that you’re getting even less of them but you were never gonna get many of them to begin with [Music] yeah the opportunity opened their door you missed it you know you know others so this idea of doing something the right way of not missing out of getting it perfect or making sure that you know you didn’t choose the wrong thing is actually a process that slows you down and you miss out on more opportunities either which I know seems really obvious but this doesn’t they’re at the heart of why this is happening we’re gonna keep digging in you’re doing this for a reason and what I want you to notice for starters that reason is probably based on the feeling of anxiety there’s worry something’s wrong there’s a threat and feel to it you know and this is one of the most tragic things indecisiveness that the response we have to that threatened feeling I’m gonna do it wrong I’m gonna miss out causes us to have more of the thing we’re worried about we miss out more we do it wrong more often the longer you delay a decision the worse the options here you don’t just miss out on options during the best ones go first you noticed that it’s like if you want to buy a plane ticket to another country and you know you’re not sure if if now’s the right time to buy the longer you wait the more expensive their ticket kids and the less flight options are available mm-hmm and so many decisions like that the longer way that’s the best ones that go first but because we know that we actually worry about choosing one like am i choosing the worst one when there’s still the best one available and then their process of slowing down or we go as guarantee we won’t make the best decision we’re gonna get through it I’ve got a little list here and we’ll see if I’m missing any by the end of it another huge one is green light syndrome the term of my own creation which is this really strong compulsion to get some sort of validation before you can act on the decision a mission a sign some sort of encouragement that you’re on the right track so this is where you make a decision but you can’t move forward on it without seeing some sort of encouragement or leadership from the outside of yourself so like waiting for a girl to smile at you before you go say hi to we’re waiting for your boss to invite you to apply for a pay raise you know waiting for your parents to say yeah that looks like a good idea for you when you choose your University course does this wait for someone else to go yeah you’re not crazy that’s that’s what I would do – that’s right or I won’t hurt you if you do that there’s no risk of there you guys resonate with that one yeah I mean it definitely happen it happens like that sometimes but it goes really quickly and subconsciously and afterwards I’ll be like wait why did I even ask for this validation yeah recognizable what I Paula Christian yeah especially when I’m sometimes with women I look for an indicator of interest before approaching or greeting her yeah yeah and unconsciously I tend to do that which I am working on by becoming more of a more of a leader and leading and not waiting but yeah I used to struggle a lot with that hmm yeah and that’s so that’s a really common one specially for people please in nice guys that’s kind of like as mummy is this right am I allowed this and it’s this kind of thing we’ve carried on from childhood often because we come from like some sort of strict parenting background where we weren’t allowed to do things on our own initiative and we’d get punished just for taking initiative even if we didn’t do something badly that was quite often the case in my childhood my parents were quite stressed and strict when I was younger and so they would just say no to everything all the time even if it was a reasonable request so I never knew what was allowed because there was no kind of moral guidance system I could use I never knew what was gonna get a yes because there was no consistency to it so I gone to a pad and I’ve just always asking first you know quite often I get my head bitten off for what seemed like a reasonable thing like grabbing a snack like an apple who said you could eat an apple my [ __ ] I don’t know I’d ask for an apple [ __ ] I thought this is healthy I don’t know what’s going on right so you got off when we come from a background where we’ve been punished for taking the initiative even then when we were so short was the right thing to do and it develops us uncertainty in ourselves like I’ve been punished for doing what I thought was right so maybe I don’t know what’s right maybe other people do and I should check in with them first so again this idea that you’ve got to get it right comes through I’m looking for someone else to tell me this is right this is the optimal decision there’s Christian pizza or at least it’s not a wrong one golfer bet it’s a [ __ ] wrong one right I’ve been very concerned about that which brings me to the next one which is I just call it simply the fear of getting it wrong and again using those things for the word wrong very subjective vague phrase the wrong decision we use words like failure we use words like rejection and embarrassment and missing out to describe the idea of getting it wrong so do we make a decision and then the following period of time is painful for us as a direct result of that decision and this idea that there was an alternative decision available that was followed by a period of pleasure we missed out on that one so essentially whenever we say the wrong decision we mentioned this fork in the road one is right one is wrong there might be multiple Forks but one’s definitely wrong and we walk down their path and the door closes behind us and now we’re in this world of pain and there’s this idea that the other ones we they didn’t have this of pain we can imagine them going a different way and we imagine them so strongly that we’re sure that they actually exist it’s kind of like being locked in a room and knowing there’s another room next to you even though you can’t see it and you can’t get to it you think there’s a party in that room and this room’s a torture chamber and I missed out and go to that room and this often causes just the delay the delay and of course the second-guessing after a decision as well or the undoing of a decision because you’ve got a bit of pain afterwards you thought there must be wrong you know you got to start talking to someone that you like and they react a bit like you know I don’t know this was one of those wrong decisions should back off rather than sticking in it and seeing how you know can I get through this to the other side can running away as soon as you get like a little bit of an electric shock we’re just holding back you know give me a dance before so you keep procrastinating on starting the new dance class this idea that dancing must be wrong for you because it doesn’t feel certain if you’re confused and you feel anxious and feel nervous when you guys think of the concept of getting it wrong how does that you know how does it define itself in your head what does it mean to get something wrong to make the wrong decision once I’ve made a decision and I haven’t got the expected result and then they look back and say well I should have taken the other path or the other option I would have gotten that instead of this yeah once it’s like a regret of having made a wrong decision but you only can see that you made a wrong decision in hindsight now so in the moment you know there’s a lot of things you don’t know you have to a fork in the road but in hindsight sometimes you look back and and that’s happened to me recently and had three career options and I explored I already made a decision of I want zit but there was X&Y and I still pursued x and y and not x and y I didn’t work out ended up staying with zip although I have chosen Zed before considering X&Y so yeah when that happened to me recently would you notice that kind of little trick of the mind two things that happen there a kind of affection one is that the result is blamed on the decision the decision caused the result for example if I choose this career path and it’s unenjoyable me not enjoying myself was because of the decision no other reason and then of course the other one that’s hindsight is twenty-twenty belief which is not only can I imagine it going a different way by a different decision that I trust my imagination is an accurate prediction that that’s actually what would have happened you know this idea that like there’s no way I got that guess wrong and then you can see in the example you gave Christian you did go on exploring so while they didn’t turn out anyway you’re imagining them going well was wrong yes that’s quite funny like I might go up and it say I go and try and talk to someone new and I start a conversation a certain way and they react badly to it now afterwards I think I finally had started the conversation this other way we’d be [ __ ] mates by now you know instead of the more likely thing as which is no matter how you start a conversation with this guy he’s gonna react badly to it you know you’re doomed there was no decision that could have made this any better at least you know that’s that’s so often the most likely is that however you approach something it doesn’t matter if you’re doing it smooth or rough it’s only gonna work out or it isn’t the way you do it is very rarely a big factor in this yeah the way you start a conversation with a girl is very really a deciding factor on whether or not she likes you you know your whole life a whole preference around me and everything building up to that point there’s so much more weight than the words you use to start the conversations you know so you basically the decisions made in a sense you you go out doing just letting her know that you exist and she’s already decided just like flavors of ice cream and you think I finally I’d say the business side coming from this angle or I’d use more eye contact and bourbon hmm another Jim maybe she hates everybody you never had a shot you imagine it would have gone brilliantly had you only done it the other way this kind of self-flagellation like I did it wrong by realizing there was no right way to do it you know Thomas you’re fools yeah I mean that definitely rings very links it rings a lot of bells like I’m just being stuck imagining which way something can go and it’s very tied to how much satisfaction I will get remains or how much personal pleasure or happiness this tie to each of those options well you know you couldn’t you realize you could never really know so it’s kind of weird that your my place that trick on you welcome to share something with you guys on that pitch which is in my experience of decisive people they are not certain about outcomes its indecisive people who are certain about outcomes in the size the size of people don’t trust their guesses they go and test them what they trust is themselves to handle however it goes that’s why they can do it quickly and that’s why I can do things quickly I don’t know that what I’m gonna do is is I don’t know that what I’m choosing it’s gonna work I just know that if it doesn’t I’ll handle it whereas an indecisive person thinks they know how it’s gonna go and doesn’t trust themselves to handle their know they’re the reverse and I want you to just sort of in your mind to that a decisive person doesn’t know they’re gonna get it right they just okay with getting it wrong and that’s why they can move so quickly an indecisive person is really thinks it’s bad to get it wrong a truly decisive person knows that there’s no such thing as wrong okay we’re gonna get to that soon

interesting another one is the fear of success which is this reluctance to move forward on a decision that feels like a commitment like you’re going all-in on something and you can’t get out again like you’re signing a contract of some kind holding back on a wedding proposal cuz you’re not sure if you’re gonna love them in 40 years you know not wanting to to apply for a job because you’re not sure if you really want to do work in that field for the rest of your life hmm deep like feelings of obligation and pressure and commitment and locking yourself in and kind of absolute destruction of all other options forever you know I always use this example there’d be guys I’d take out to go and meet people on the street you know here’s a girl that you like and say that girl there I’m like go say hi do any of that then I understand a real about girlfriend material I had to get into that so quickly yeah yes but you know you know how long she’s gonna live like girlfriend material you haven’t even said hi yet how can you possibly assist there but what they’re saying is I’m scared that I’m gonna actually this is gonna work out and I’m gonna be like obliged to follow through on something and stick in with it and quite often I think that this comes from that’s not good enough fear which is if I stick with something long enough I’m gonna be discovered as a loser as a failure as a fraud you know impostor syndrome the reason I don’t want to commit to something it’s not really that I’ll miss out I said I’ll be discovered I can’t keep up the act for long enough before people realize I’m not worthy of this thing mm-hmm well you guys thoughts on that around light so if this was a career this would mean you actually are interested in something so you already come to a decision like that looks good enough to actually go test it out but then you hold back and actually going towards a new start thing or what else is there what’s something that feels even more certain [Music]

yeah you were spot-on in describing like those big decisions in life like career changes or moving for progressing things with a girl that it’s girlfriend material and I’m going through that at the moment this is a third girl I date after breaking up with my ex and I didn’t have planned to kind of think about a girl seriously and I was hoping that I would start dating multiple women and now I’m finding out that this girl is the dating process with his girls working really well and I’m feat having fears of success cos I didn’t I was not looking expecting for a commitment or two things we go to so fast with this one woman and and now yeah I’m kind of holding myself back and taking things slowly and well yeah yeah that’s fear success success and then in regards to my career I had to kind of quote-unquote get to the end of the wrong ladders in order to find out my my purpose or my calling or my direction in life and that’s one of the things I want to change be able to make decisions without having to explore each and every path or option available promisor there’s a girl I am I was dating few years back and she kept like pushing me to like call us girl for an employer friend I finally said okay and two weeks later she broke up with me that’s like it’s funny what made us about that situation is looking back on that now as look at how easy she was able to let go of the commitment yeah she really pushed for it as soon as she realized she didn’t want anymore she ended it and it’s something quite admirable in that which is she can go all-in on something because she trusts herself to pull herself out if she changes in mind she doesn’t have a fear of commitment because for her a commitment is only how I feel right now there’s no future contract where a lot of people who struggle with decision making about big things is what they’re really saying is they don’t trust their ability to break away from it they don’t trust the ability to have the confrontations that would be needed to have the kind of humility to show everyone a I made them made a mistake I’m changing my mind on this have other people think you’re flaky all those kinds of things were actually afraid of the kind of social consequences of not sticking in we’ve been told all our lives that only losers quit there’s kind of thing like if I make a decision I’m going all-in even if I don’t want to I’ve got to stick with it for life you know and we feel like we’re not gonna have the ability the balls the courage so yeah you know what I’m only a month into this but I was wrong [ __ ] this I’m out you think once I’m in I’m locked in because I can’t let people see that I was wrong hmm and this is quite often like one of the things that helped me overcome my fear of commitment and like getting married as I just have which was my girlfriend I constantly had this agreement if one of us doesn’t want to do this anymore we end it and it seems like something that doesn’t need to be said but we did need to say it because I was afraid more like I wouldn’t want to be here and then I’d stay to skip the hinder through skin to break her heart too scared to show everyone I was wrong you know I had to be like actually either of us can do that the other one just has to take it you know the Pentek see what’s allowed me to stay in knowing I could leave anytime all the pressure comes off and my actually I do want to be here it’s fine I’m not confused about that hmm it’s only when I think I have to stay that I start getting confused so I want you guys to notice their decisive people trust their ability to withdraw their investment to cut their losses they don’t they don’t suffer from sunk cost fallacy if they are all in on something it doesn’t work out this go fine [ __ ] it then I try to recoup their costs you know as yeah I lost they wrote hey with being wrong hurricane with being seen is wrong there okay was being judged for being wrong and that’s why they can make decisions quickly because they’ll deal with being wrong yeah yeah but when it comes when it comes to marriage for example I’ve been reading a lot blogs and books about from the red pill current and they kind of warn guys that yes you can change your decision when once you’re in a marriage but then it’s it’s costly to get a divorce and that’s why they’re warning guys to reevaluate their decision of marrying someone because the cost of that wrong decision it can basically leave them not broke but you don’t have it will end up sharing have to split their assets their net worth a lot of things and then writes over children and so so that’s sometimes what we need to evaluate is will are the consequences or the downsides of these important decisions like you know marrying someone or changing a career yeah how do you what do you what’s your take on that note icon is the decisive person says okay if all that happens I’ll handle it that’s what I saw in a red pill is a lot of can’t handle they can’t handle a divorce they can’t handle splitting bills they can’t handle shared custody and that’s why they’re scared of it where somebody goes all-in on marriage like for me I know actually I’m pretty good with Czech Republic war it’s very much in favor of the guy but yeah I would split my assets even if the law didn’t tell me to I’m already prepared to do that I’m not like oh my god I hope that doesn’t happen I’m like if it does happen I’ll handle the repo guys like I can’t handle that so we can’t let it happen so the problem is if you’re like okay I can’t make a decision because of the cost of it failing then you can’t make any decision because all of them have a failure cost a decisive person is willing to pay the cost an indecisive person isn’t I think there must be the clearest difference hmmm there’s also a man specifically on the wedding thing some people try to use marriage to get out of decision making rather than like every week deciding do I still want to be with the skill and I just get married and that’s decided for life I don’t have to think about that you know and I don’t think about how I feel about other girls anymore I don’t have to think about other people anymore I don’t you think about all these big life decisions anymore because now I’m a married guy and half those decisions are made from decision making it’s definitely something I wanted to bring up as well because I don’t think if experienced the that fear of commitment very consciously before I make a decision but I do often have that sort of grass is greener type thing where I’m in a commitment and I find myself thinking that another option would be better all the time well actually if I really think deeper about it probably that’s not true no matter which way you go the grass is always greener because that’s just where the human brain works you know and partly this is why being decisive is helpful because you’ll have a lot of experiences if you’re decisive and they’ll give you a range of evidence so that you’ll know what’s best for you you’ll go try it rather than think about it and you’ll try a lot of it so a guy who he has a fear of commitment with woman the guy who doesn’t is the guy who’s had a lot of different types of relationships being with lots of different woman just sort of gone with us got and seen what happens and now he knows he’s not gonna miss out he’s he’s he played the field and now he’s you know he knows that basically woman have more similarities and they have differences kind of thing and as long as he loves one that don’t be enough what’s interesting figure breaks are like they’re red pill style of thing of commitment is so often I believe the repeal type mindset guy gets into a marriage he’s so concerned about the commitment that that’s what sabotages the marriage the thing is he was distant he wasn’t prisoned he was worried he was controlling he was jealous all because he was worried about the commitment and that’s what drove her away and you quite often see this in repo forums like 90% of divorces are initiated by woman they make that out as a claim that against woman I’m like the woman are leaving the meanness to men who are the [ __ ] problem right most woman died to save their relationship I think initiating a divorce they have expended all [ __ ] options they are down to scraping the last possible option very few women go okay first option is divorce you know yeah and so for her going to say a woman in this year divorced therefore she’s doing something wrong no no he’s driven her away relentlessly with needy [ __ ] up neglectful behavior most likely and it’s because he felt that pressure like I can’t get out of this I’m stuck this is a risk rather than a I can bail at any point I just go to say whether or not I feel like staying another day that’s the only decision I ever need to make and secondly if I do I know what I signed up for I’ll handle it she takes off my shirt I’ll handle it have to share custody I’ll handle it I’m willing to pay the price to have a life and that’s ultimately what decisiveness is is understanding there is no cost-free decision-making there’s no right decision that has no wrong consequence you choose the right career you miss out on all the other careers like I’m a coach down on I’m okay with that but maybe I could have been an actor I was pretty good [ __ ] actor as a nice guy you know I had everyone convinced I could have put that on the screen maybe I could be famous by now who knows mm-hm you know I played in a band and I stuck with heavy metal but maybe if I’d done a different genre being famous bad I mean maybe this may be their Bible why there’s so many options so many doors I’ve closed I don’t focus on those I focus on the one that I’ve opened and I try to make the most of it and if I don’t like it anymore then I close and find another one there’s no wrong it’s just the comet moving forward dropping pieces behind it the comet never goes backwards the arrow of time goes in one direction no where as you’ll notice if you’re going to say a red pill forum or a woman it’s constant revision of the past constantly looking backwards what should my done how badly I was treated what went wrong rather than like how am I gonna take this forward you know so the avoidance of past pain rather than embracing future pain so no matter what decision I make it’s gonna hurt like I really want to have kids boner those kids are going to break my heart definitely there’s no there’s no [ __ ] avoidance of that you don’t have a kid who’s perfect I never hurts your feelings right so this idea like you’re always gonna pay for every decision you make a decisive person’s just made their peace with that doesn’t really matter what I choose there’s a payment so I don’t know to worry about getting it wrong because they’re all kind of wrong and you’re all kind of right depends where I do with them I think really comes down to trust issues the size of person trusts themselves to handle however it goes I don’t trust that they know what’s gonna happen they trust to handle the unknown thing is this a self-fulfilling like if I am decisive I’ll keep putting myself in the unknown and I’ll keep handling it and then now there’s proof that I handled the unknown I think the reason I’m decisive is cuz originally I was impulsive which means I got into a lot of the unknowns you know like one of my best experiences that I would never repeat but was helpful was I took a lot of drugs when I was younger and drugs get you into a lot of unknowns especially when you mix them and it’s your first time and you don’t have a buddy watching you or whatever I got myself into some [ __ ] you know some really dangerous situations and really [ __ ] up weird situations so I’m very all by myself with the hell out of [ __ ] do I get home kind of situations and I’d solved them all you know and the solutions weren’t great there was sometimes the three and a half hour walk home because I couldn’t find any other way you know or there was the ID behind a tree because all the flowers are coming at me whatever you know there’s some pretty poor kind of problem-solving but every morning I’d wake up somewhere on a floor somewhere and I’d be still alive you know and most of time I still have my wallet and phone and stuff like I made it and and that built up a trust I’m like even if this thing goes to [ __ ] I’ve been through that before I’ll get through it again and the funny thing is is I’m not more capable than you guys I just know my capability to a view for example have gotten yourself into plenty of [ __ ] and you’re still here hmm in fact as you’ve probably got yourself into more because being indecisive causes more problems than being impulsive missing out on opportunities giving yourself down to like the last few shitty options and not knowing which one you know life gets pretty bad when you’re indecisive and yet here you are you’ve survived all of it hmm all the mistakes you’ve made all the unknowns you got yourself into anything you’re kind of thriving you’re doing all right so the idea that you can’t trust yourself to handle something going wrong it’s really kind of a lie yeah because you’ve handled everything so far the evidence doesn’t support you and your belief that you won’t handle what going wrong you won’t enjoy you’re going wrong but that’s different handling something and enjoying are the two different things like that’s what’s funny time where I missed a flight um I was on my I was on my iPad and I didn’t change the timezone on it and I was watching that time I wasn’t in our different place and so that just when I went down to the lounge the flight was taking off so with him and they had one flight a day I have 24 hours to get through and I had to like check out by the flight and I’m in this [ __ ] place where nobody speaks English and I had to sleep on a floor and then just suck the whole 24 hours sucked from start to finish I hated it cost me a grand it was terrible you know as my last dollas nobody there to help me not enough credit on my phone to make calls it was a [ __ ] nightmare so I didn’t enjoy any of that but obviously I got out of there Airport right so that’s what the trust is about is the trust is no no matter how shitty it is or embarrassing it is or awkward or humiliating literally physically painful you’ll get through once you know that the decision isn’t such a big deal anymore there is no really like which is the right one it’s just like just do one of them you’ll figure it out three career options which one do you feel most good about okay just go for it if in two weeks you don’t like it you bail [ __ ] it you know hmm you’re not committed and also if everyone goes oh you couldn’t choose a career just go go [ __ ] yourself you don’t actually have to care about that reaction or do anything about it impress people it quite often it takes us like snowball effect like example are done my notes you’re like you’re worried about confronting your ex about something because you think she’ll talk [ __ ] about you to other people and then they’ll talk shared and there’s big reputation about you or build and then you won’t be able to get a job and you have to go live in a different country and then they’ll find out about it because in the internet you have to go live in the woods you know this kind of small hauling effect of all this [ __ ] you can’t handle happening you know and because you’ve also got that trust in your predictions like not only can I imagine this because I can imagine it it’s probably true you know you freeze like there’s no way I can do this tiny action when it comes with death [ __ ] massive gods flees you know and it makes sense to freeze when you have certainty about that go on telling you as a decisive person is uncertain about there they’re like yeah [ __ ] might go down but I don’t know what kind of [ __ ] I’ll go get find out let’s go see hmm at least nothing else I’m gonna learn something there’ll be some sort of training in it for me and that’s the key thing here is not only can they handle it is they know that handling it is the real benefit here that even something going wrong is gonna be good for them they’ll be stronger wiser smarter well street-smart don’t know how to handle [ __ ] more it’s like when I first traveled by myself I’m like this definitely gonna go poorly because my my organizational skills are just terrible you know and it did but all the whole time I’m just being toughened up you know now I’m common situations where others panic because I’m my rb3 us before there’s nobody it creates antifragility nee you guys thoughts on all this before we look at solutions which I’ll be moving into names I I think that you’re spot-on because if I look at successful people around me people that I admire they’re normally they’re very decisive and they can handle the consequences of poor poor decisions they they probably made and yes so in that sense I can relate to what you said like indecisiveness leads to I think a poor poor quality of life and you need to miss missed opportunities and whereas successful people stick with their decisions and they make the most of the path they choose and the decisions they make yeah it definitely resonates with me as well because it’s like the words but one thing I still wanted to ask them let’s just do that first because when I touch them a bit earlier about and like taking other people’s preferences into accounts before you make a decision it’s kind of confusing to me how that fits in exactly so that’s the question I still had mmm so the idea you slow down because other people gonna be affected by your decision yeah well again just with a simple example like maybe you want to decide where to eat or something very simple example but instead of just saying hey I want to eat here you’re thinking about other people probably like to eat and then I’ll subconsciously make a decision for them and then go along with that to please them mm-hmm people please anything well that’s the exact same concept of what Christian was talking about is trying to find the optimal decision hmm funny thing is quite often the optimal decision is not actually what you want it’s what pleases all the all the kind of variables so it’s it’s what not just other people but like your bank account or your reputation or whatever it’s this kind of thing that like ticks all the boxes and quite often by the time finish detecting all the boxes you’ve actually forgotten what you really wanted so they can talk and the boxes in need to do their own satisfaction in that sense they have a the greatest satisfaction of maybe being validated or being famous or being rich or whatever but not the satisfaction of I’m living my life right yeah and definitely also what I wanted to say just now is that it kind of the fear of missing out thing really attaches to the feeling that you have to maximize your enjoyment and your pleasure out of the situation well actually what you said what’s really good that’s the wrong decision can be even more helpful some things like putting yourself into the space where your and certain and it’s kind of unpleasurable because of the decision you made that’s actually more helpful in the end sometimes oh yeah gang up and asking girl out and who’s saying no is so much better than not asking her at all so much better and sometimes even better than her saying yes especially if she’s wrong for you but what you’re talking about is this kind of people-pleasing thing which is I’ve got to make this decision in a way that doesn’t wreck anybody else’s world and doesn’t hurt anybody else’s outcomes yeah and you’re definitely going to freeze there because there is no decision that can carry that you can get close to it with massive amounts of people-pleasing and self-sacrifice but other people would be upset no matter what you do so it’s always out of your hands the thing is the person doesn’t express what they want they think before I can express what I want I have to come to the spinal decision without realizing that within the greater umbrella of making a big decision there lots of little decisions and that’s a little of expressions a kind of drafting process I think I won’t dead and let’s have a taste of that and maybe I like there like for example before I decide on being a coach I tried rehabilitating offenders I tried managing staff I tried running training sessions and then I discovered coaching so there’s other decisions before the big one you might say the solution to what you’re talking about is it seems to let’s say I want to choose what I want to have for dinner but there’s a group of us eating and I’m not just gonna be like eat pizza off I can kill you guys you know I like go once they have some sort of consensus here the size of people will say I want pizza now they’re open to discussion but decision one I know what I want born now doesn’t mean they’re going to psychopathically dominate their way through the pizza they may allow themselves to be persuaded but they went with what they want to express that immediately

not even choosing a career to start off by saying I want to be an actor now you might not end up being an actor but getting that one out the way very quickly and first because that’s the one that came to strongest not reconsidering that before you’ve even expressed it it must be expressed and tried and played with before it’s reconsidered the problem with overthink is that they do all the expressing and reconsidering in the head to put it out there and some sort of expression or behavior you know so we go I feel like you know trying salsa dancing no but what if I’m no good at it and I don’t know if it’s also does is really the style that I’m really interested in do I know anybody else who even wants to the size of you guys okay I want to try salsa dancing so I’m gonna do one class and then I’ll reconsider it they do something they at least tell somebody they want you know and there’s very little harm in that little bit of expression hmm there’s also a polarizing factor here if me constantly expressing what I want and having little tastes of it and kind of going for it Kurt something frustrates them drives them away they shouldn’t be in my life because of this hurts them me going for what I really want is going to destroy them the thing is they don’t actually them getting hurt by it isn’t your problem right now there are some sort of room for debate like your own children for example but a decisive person will carry the family with them they’ll make it work you know like let’s say they want to do some job that requires a lot of travel their family wants them to stay home don’t find some sort of compromise in the middle where they’re doing their job but they spend more time with their family perhaps but they’re not gonna be like okay this might slightly affect my family so I’m going to cancel that option now I’ll explore it they’ll try and find a way to make a work the decisive person will at least give it a go kurz so if i understand well you’re basically suggesting that instead of trying to make the right decisions and getting it right making optimal decisions we become more decisive and handle the consequences of that decisiveness basically yes you train yourself to handle decisiveness and you won’t handle it well at first but you’ll quickly adjust the reason human beings rule the planet it’s because we’re very good at handling [ __ ] they’re very good at fixing things that we broke yeah when I do it with everything but we can do it so it might have global one but we could actually fix their problem you know and you’ll be able to fix whatever mess you make and the funny thing is like nice guys and people pleasers are actually excellent like cleaning up messes you know helping people feel good after they feel bad all that kind of stuff we were really good at doing that so you’re already trained and cleaning up messes now you’re just gotta get trained in making messes right instead of waiting for them to be cleaned up it was to try and pre clean them in your head prevent them remotely yeah so another question I have for you is and we discussed this earlier so have you ever heard of the paradox of choice yes so in your in your case do you normally make prefer to have fewer options rather than have multiple options in order to make a decision I want to get down to one option as quickly as possible so you don’t wait for more options to consider or more options to arrive come to you let’s say you have two options but if you waited two more hours you’ve have five options rather stick with those two options and not waste those extra hours and make a decision with those two options what I hear again is that fear of commitment coming in I don’t have that I’ll choose something quickly but I’ll put it down again just as quickly so I can go all in on something and something better comes along and I’ll go all out immediately and go all in on the better thing so I’ll go ahead with something until something so much better and obvious like throws itself at me but I won’t go seeking it as such I’ll try and give you an example of this like when I meet my girl I was dating a few different girls at the time and then so I’m not all in on any of them because I didn’t feel like going all in any of them but I just asked myself don’t see them one more time and so I would there’s the only decision I even need to make but then when she came in I was like getting hit in the face with like a connection you know she just stood out compared to the to the other two that I was seeing at the time and so I just went like okay I’m letting go there’s other two right now like I want I want something big and meaningful I don’t want like a big wide like open buffet all the time knowing of course that even if we go into this three weeks and I decide I’m against I wanted to go back to zero lost the other two maybe never see them again so be it there’s seven billion people out there I’ll find another one you know it’s a there comet trail effect okay as soon as something is not exactly what I want slid it go and I move forward so you were the one that made the decision to kind of become exclusive in the dating process with your now wife basically but it was more a kind of joint thing she didn’t want open relationship and I had to decide her or open so the decision was her or multiples and I said her as better than multiples I made a decision very quickly now I couldn’t know that that was gonna work out in the future I just needed if it didn’t I’d handle it yep cuz I’m I’m at a very similar point with this girl I mentioned earlier and I’m not I have this we have built this trunk connection the last three weeks now but I’m not willing to be exclusive with her because she hasn’t raised the topic yet and I’m waiting for her to even though I feel like connections there I feels too early to kind of leave all the other options aside two weeks into this you change your mind change your mind when you say you want to go exclusive you don’t say let’s be together forever you say right here right now I just want you I can’t promise anything but that’s what I want so let’s move ahead with that well again this is what really helped me in my goes we’re both kind of commitment-phobic me just got that commitment a Gina on her because we’re living in different places and it was a logistical nightmare and we didn’t really date we’d see each other for entire weekends and then go a few weeks without because of the distance there we just see there’s like look what we’ll do is at the end of each time we see each others asked do we both want to see each other Guinness the answers yes then we do it that’s that is our relationship and while we’re doing that we don’t see other people until that ends that’s kind of the agreement when did you feel that it was convenient to become exclusive when you fell in love with her when after a while partly it’s because I have a elías hell no approach which is with who I was held yes and the others are saying you’re not bad and you’re not bad is not hell yes and I’m trying to eliminate not hell yes is from my life at all the times one things it helps me to be very decisive as I’m always cutting out options that I don’t feel fully enthusiastic about I trust my enthusiasm if I’m not like that yeah then it’s not that good so by whereas in the face of people I think honestly trying to keep as many options open as possible hey [ __ ] options I’m trying to cut them down I want to get down to one as soon as possible one where I’m just like I am all in on this thing one career one kill one exercise you know all in all my energy in order to simplify life that the main goal behind it yeah I creates a streamline for decision making if I’m all-in then I’m not distracted I make decisions about my coaching business very quickly because I’m all in on my coaching business I don’t know that’s kind of like what if I wasn’t a coach what else could I be in this thing just taking my attention away you know but I also have this commitment thing like if if I wake up tomorrow and my I’m done with coaching then I’m done with it and I will handle that it’s like I handled every other job that I left I’ll find another one I’ll grieve and move on but I don’t feel like that today so today I’m all in for them let me cover a few of the solutions and welcome back to us the same we’ll each of those kind of fears we talked about I’ve drafted some solutions or I drafted how I approach these things so overthinking in perfectionism because I should point out that while I talk about myself as being decisive I still struggle with all of these things at least sometimes ok the best thing I find by overthinking is a some sort of quantitative limit usually a time limit for example the best one you can think of within a certain time but then you’ve got to go with it so for example if I’m with example I used before or writing a cover letter for a business for a job application I get three girls and writing the cover letter and then I have to seen the best one I’ll give myself some room to deliberate but then I’ll just go for it or when it comes to approaching new people the three-second rule you have three seconds to move and just trusting that a time limit will actually be more likely lead you to good decisions than having lots of time because the initial decision like I want to talk to her that’s very quick no reconsideration required you know what you want oh what are we in for dinner I feel like pizza that’s straight there give yourself you got 10 seconds to say what you want to eat you know what the best thing you can think of in 10 seconds that’s what you’re eating and if that’s a shitty thing go eat the shitty thing follow through no matter what the best decision you can come up with in your little time limit is terrible still follow through on the terrible thing because you need to show that you will be decisive you need to show yourself that you will get something and handle it to give yourself the reassurance next time there won’t be all that pressure to get it right and it can be kind of fun one of the things that helped me hone my decisiveness was doing the yes-man kind of challenge so from the book yes-man which is what the movie was based on the guy just said yes everything is decision was pre made on everything and I was interesting because that wasn’t really a better or worse year than any other year I realized [ __ ] the decision I make bill even matters I could go yes on everything it’s the same as going now of it on everything or going yes and no and thinking it through because it’s what I do with the decision there matters decision itself was almost arbitrary it just creates a reality for me to deal with I don’t know if that’s gonna be better or worse than what else was available because there is nothing else available there is only ever one reality time only if it goes on one direction so when you say yes to everything is us ok so these are things I had to deal with you say no to everything those are the things you have to deal with you deal with something quite often when people make decision making the reason they take so much time as they’re trying to find something where they wanted to deal with much be a hassle afterwards hmm rather than going look it’s gonna be a hassle either way let’s just get a hassle let’s get one going you know I panicked when I had ten seconds choose what to eat now meeting porridge all right we’re gonna make the most of porridge through not to move some reason right just kind of doing that and it can be fun for you you know you’re like oh I’ve got five seconds to choose who in this room on a talk to you later oh [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] oh that guy geez I gotta go talk to that guy now well let’s go let’s go talk to that guy who’s he gonna be who knows you’ll find that if you spent an hour deliberately trying to choose the best person to talk to it wouldn’t have made much difference it wouldn’t have been a better decision in fact in that hour you could talk to 20 people if you’re decisive as opposed to choosing this elite one that turns out to just be some random dude anyway

so time limits bigger decision doesn’t necessarily mean bigger time limit there you go I’ve got these three career options to choose from okay so choose one by the end of the day knowing that 24 hours into this thing you can still change your mind but you don’t know which of these three is gonna be best until you [ __ ] do them so doing them that’s got to happen quickly not thinking about them you know you think what you already know and you’ve already thought about that right that’s done when it comes to green-light syndrome one of my favorite sort of quotes is the idea of asking for forgiveness rather than permission

assume that there’s never gonna be the right time and place to do something

something you want to say something you want to do there’s never gonna be this like opening this invitation I call it a crowbar ring you just gotta like crowbar this thing in there it doesn’t fit you just have to jam it in the EM maker space and jamming in there an example as I I had I’d used porn to masturbate and a little while ago and hadn’t told Lucy about it been a while and I hadn’t told her about on my I mean I dishonest he’s eating at me and I’m sitting there at breakfast I’m just about to go into doing some work I can’t think of a worse time to talk about wanking to porn I’m like this has to happen sometime it’s never gonna be an awesome time to talk about it so rushed into breakfast is when it’s gonna happen and I did as crowbarred and into a breakfast conversation she was halfway through telling me something else I said wait stop and I’m masturbating to porn you know and it just comes through and in there like a bucket of cold water because that’s what no green light looks like you just go on a red that doesn’t mean I bowled a through it I didn’t say what I had to say I let her respond I do what I have to do and let people give me feedback so if I’m not wrong I’ll let them tell me that and we’ll fix it but I’ll go do it wrong and then we work on it rather than trying to get it right yeah I’m not good you can understand liking going as a leader initiating going without permission or an invitation doesn’t mean you psychopathically dominate doesn’t mean just bulldoze your way through someone’s life and destroy them it just means you’re pushing a little bit an inch and then you go go with me doing this after it’s done you know I used to get in trouble a lot of my job because I would kind of think outside the box in a way and I wouldn’t ask I’ll just go do it and I’d be breaking these kind of invisible rules or very visible rules sometimes and you know I’m like the naughty Kent’s cool off my half my times in the principal’s office you know I’m at work as I dan can I see you again when our so I was gone I’m still getting into minor trouble now I wasn’t like breaching the code of conduct or anything I was just trying to be creative and breaking the mold that everyone was using and so I get told off like once or twice a month for what I was doing but my career progression significantly outperformed all my peers because I was the go-getter guy who was willing to take risks and people started using me as that kind of human shield the higher ups would be like damn we’re gonna let you do this but it’s not attached to us okay we just need to see what happens well I’m [ __ ] it I’ll do it and they promoted me because I was that guy you know was willing to be decisive and willing to take the heat you know I tell my team to do something don’t make a mistake and now I’d say that’s my fault and I take the heat from my team so they didn’t suffer and people saw that at me and that’s why I got promoted you know wasn’t a skill thing it was just a bravery thing okay but also because when it went wrong I took responsibility for it and fixed it as much as I could so now okay with me getting things wrong cuz I wouldn’t just make him me some run away and make him me so now clean it up

when it comes to fear of getting it wrong there’s two things that I employ one is what I call drafting and the other an exit strategy this helps with that fear of commitment as well is there’s something I want to do and I design like what is the very smallest first draft look at doing this so let’s say I feel like dancing it might just be going to one dance class or I feel like being exclusive with a girl giving it a go for a week you know with permission to reassess in bail afterwards hmm that’s the key here I’m allowed to quit see a lot of people that I go in because they don’t really allow themselves to quit things once they’re committed hmm I am allowed to quit things I’m allowed to try stuff before I make a more permanent decision so you you have an idea of what would be testing this look like when will I reassess and if I reassess and change my mind how will I bail out that’s the most amount of planning really anything needs what’s a test look like what does bailing out look like get myself permission to do both make sure everybody who’s involved knows what’s happening so go to the dance class go look I’m not sure if I want to dance I just want to try this one time and if I like it I’ll come back next week you know I tell my girl like you know I want it to be just you a night you and me I’m cool with that but I can’t promise how I’m gonna feel in the future so they shall see how I feel about in a month from now you know just give myself permission to bail because I got that permission it’s easier to stick with something I’m like I can barely any time and you start to realize that any commitment is just one test after another you never actually commit it I’ve been doing coaching for like six years I think actually sitting today I had to check that this might be my University I’m terrible with anniversaries but even though six years I’m still not committed really I was like if I wake up next week and I don’t love this anymore they’ll do something else but I don’t feel like that yet so I more week you know and because it relieves that pressure I realize I actually do really like the summer so I’m probably gonna stick with it the quite a while the meat not liking it must be a long way off in the future because I’m not even close to that yet you know and that kind of deals with the fear of success as well as the fear of failure just a little test that can only go a little bit wrong and if it does go wrong and you don’t like it you bail but if it goes well and you do like it you do another test a little bit more you know you put your foot a bit deeper in the water you know I do one dance class I really like it okay I’ll do the whole eight-week course I really like that okay I’ll sign up to the performance team really like that okay I’ll find a private dance partner will compete together I’m upping the game each time but based on I’ve already tried this and I handled it and I liked it so I can trust that I can go the deeper end not like okay I’m either gonna become a dancer for life or not at all right from the beginning and ski the [ __ ] out of myself right so you go sit down minimum commitment level mission teens it’s like I was really clear with my girlfriend about our marriage valves we can’t promise to be together forever and about that’s a lie we can’t do that all we can talk about is how we feel about each other now hmm that’s why I’m comfortable being married I know legally it’s supposed to be this lifelong contract but it’s not what I signed up to I signed up to being your husband now to head over there that changes it change now you both of you are aware that bike might change in two years three years six years we talk about all the time you know the counselor like like will be especially during a really good moment one of us might say like god I hope we still feel like this in a year yeah no way we it’s like facing death we know that this relationships gotta end at some point but the very least one of us is gonna die first right that’s the best possible way this can end that’s like the longest term relationship we could possibly hear there’s one of us dies first right in before there’s another way they know that and we can almost like it brings on a gratitude like we’re having a good moment we’re like man one day we won’t have these other than is guaranteed for life and there you say that out loud really all the time sounds messy mystic killing the moment it’s more like gratitude it’s appreciating the moment oh yeah I we don’t get to guarantee another one of these cuddles or another one of these trips together this might be the last one well then I get complacent about it because it’s like locked in for life which is how most married people act and that’s the way they get divorced they’ve become complacent easy they don’t appreciate each other because they think well how can I appreciate something I’m gonna beef heaven for 70 years guaranteed no matter how I behave so many things like you notice somebody who’s in a relationship with someone who’s terminally ill appreciate their partner so much more than someone who’s erase it with a healthy [Music] one of you has got some serious war works going on yeah I just meet you until that’s finished um trusting in your predictions the problem with that obviously is that your predictions are usually wrong or that there’s no way of testing them because you can’t find out what could have happened so what I tend to do is I treat all my decision-making as an experiment my kind of motto when it comes to decision making is let’s see what happens mmm just need to do the restart video thing again across the peak of ten years on and off okay there yeah so where was I that’s kind of let’s see what happens thing and they’re measuring against your predictions you can’t help but have expectations always going to your brain just guesses what’s gonna happen all the time to try and you know assess the threats or potential opportunities but I always sort of catch myself and go there’s no way that’s 100 percent correct about this thing I noticed things like this like for example with coaching I’m almost always in some form of like online contact with someone before I see them for the first time and they never look like the way I imagined they’re gonna look and sometimes it’s quite drastically different like I got this one client whose first name is Ian and Ian sounds like an old man named to me so I mention this kinda like slightly portly bald guy you know glasses and then there’s young dude like half my age shows up with a fool here to here really like looking guy it was like you’ll end like as if he had actually been the other guy before and something changed and that’s because like I do that all the time I’m going to someone’s house I imagine what its gonna look like on the inside and then the other looks like that I imagine how a situation I’m going towards it’s going to go like public speaking or a party that never goes like that and then I came to realize what neither goes away I guess even when I really know a situation that goes a little bit different so I just hold on to that and so I go it doesn’t really matter what I do when it comes to decision making because I’m just gonna have to see what happens it never goes the way I think it’s gonna go not exactly that way it goes from trying to make something happen trying to make the expectation come true they’re just seeing how wrong it was there’s like an interesting experiment so if I go up to a girl that I like for example you know I’m not going up saying like I hope she likes me back it’s more like oh she likes me back let’s see how she actually feels about me and I compare the two you know and sometimes it goes the other way too you like okay I’m gonna go talk to that guy the party looks pretty hostile I think he’s gonna be a bit of a dick but let’s see let’s see what he’s like you know talking about [ __ ] it’s a cool let’s do it I wonder thought I actually literally had this experience a few months ago my engagement party I think sort of thing and there’s big Ted who dares do deer which is ironic because I got tattoos but I was judging him and I was like I like the surly guy in the corner he’s got like a motorcycle like gang looking jacket on and yet as I all right well let’s go find out what he’s actually like I spend the whole night chatting with him bro Joe’s style conversations got self-development shared and relationships I was totally wrong about totally wrong and that was interesting for me we don’t have to be mates or anything after there it’s just okay Wow it was so much different to our I thought since I was getting at rights just interesting as well I know that person was a dick I knew it well so be it but the whole things that’s experiment that’s why it doesn’t really matter what I decide to do cuz I just want to see what happens what happens when I start a coaching business what happens when I write a book and publish it what happens if I get married and become a husband what happens Ave of kids rather than I hope the acceptance I hope Y happens I hope Y doesn’t happen so that’s what I think will work and let’s see what actually happens by ending the way yeah do you focus sometimes on the downsides because for example in having kids you know that you once you bring them into the world you kind of return them so yeah that’s actually yeah that segues beautifully into the last point I was gonna make on this which is when you’ve got trust issues with yourself that you can’t handle it have a back-up plan how will you handle the gun role so it’s actually negative visualization it all goes to [ __ ] but rather than just thinking about going to [ __ ] think about your reaction to a gonna [ __ ] you handling it yeah there’s a kind of a plan it’s a caught up from like a guy let’s say guys attracted someone was talk to them he imagines getting rejected as it’s called and that’s as far as imagination goes just the rejection he doesn’t imagine like his escape from the rejection and getting over it moving on he just imagines the bad bit you know they ask yourself okay if it’s gonna be a miss how will I clean it up I’ve already thought about things like how will I handle it if I have a child that dies so that there because that’s the thing I’m scared of having a kid you know I know a few people had miscarriages I’ve known some people I watched online just watching a video before this call from a girl who’s recently died and her father’s a coach and she was talking about having cystic fibrosis and he was casted you know he has destroyed four years after she died um I’m kind of late okay the worst thing about having a kid is that they might die before you do so how would I handle there how would I cope with the grief how would I made me turn that into it cause something that would help other people you know I thought I’ve already thought about that so that happens I know I’ll get through it I’ve got like a basic plan for that so you just ask yourself if there is gonna be a miss how will I clean it up how will I escape recover repair you know and you can even go to worse worst case scenario you know I’ve got like I think about sometimes there’s girls I’ve slipped with when we’re both drunk or whatever what if one of them decides to go with me to on me you know decides that that wasn’t consenting well I handle their son today so I’ll go look at videos you know I was accused of sexual assault got a client who’s been falsely accused he’s it was destroyed his life and I was like okay it’s good to see what could happen now rather than bury them my head in the sand what would I do if I was him and I think about the solution rather than just a problem yeah how would I recover how would I how to move on with my life even if I couldn’t you know if everyone was convinced and I couldn’t change their mind what would I do to survive that yeah and then consider it but when it comes to making individual decisions I think what’s the most likely thing to go wrong how do I handle there rather than how do I prevent it which is what creates indecisiveness yeah so it’s being kind of aware of having that certainty that you can handle the consequences of their decisions you make rather than trying to avoid a bad bad scenario or worst case scenario it’s having the confidence the courage to know that you can handle whatever happens after you make the decision them a same sleep but the other way around be decisive in your builder courage you’re gonna have to do this a friend okay the courage ISM that’s a green light to wait for the courage that’s green light syndrome you’re gonna do it while not feeling for ages okay so it’s better to be impulsive than better than to rational think about things before making the decision it’s okay I’m going a simplified way kind of yet at least not think about like training wheels impulsive nurses what will keep they moving and then you’re gonna pull back a little bit and be a bit more deliberate and careful but if you’re like somebody just gets stuck all the time you need to start being a bit more kind of late let’s just go for it but maybe just go for it with a little amount not again I’m gonna change my whole life course permanently yeah because again what’s a little experiment looked like what’s a taste of it looked like what’s a trial look like and just throw yourself into that little trial that a little experiment have your exit strategy have your limit before you need to reassess but do what rather than think mr. cleaner do you kind of set because I see here there’s two types of decisions the ones that you have to make on the spot like in a matter of seconds and there’s another big decisions that you have to think through and take hours and sometimes taste you to make do you see those two tattoo decisions or you handle everything like a matter of seconds decision what I do is I break it down to the next quickest decision at least I’ve got some big decision to make about my career actually the next decision is to talk about it with my wife that’s a decision I learn with an action to follow through so his parts building up to say a bigger decision they require lots of little decisions to quickly be made who do I need talked about those people kay go talk to them done right what I don’t do is over think like once I’ve already decided as I may need to do I go do it I don’t consider more options of what to do I’ll reconsider options after I’ve done it you know so I’m like I care got these three jobs I’m not sure which one I want okay first off just apply for all of them let’s get that out the way I mean if only two of them come back that’s one of my options removed anyway so that helps and then I’ll reconsider from there I’m gonna upload a one and it has to be the right one freeze I’m not saying that all decisions should be impulsive and made quickly what I’m saying is impulsive nurse or quick decision-making is a training process if you get into more messes more quickly clean them up Oh trust in yourself and then develop to a point where you’ll actually have instinct when it comes to decision making you’ll just feel what’s right and go with it and Trust it quite often now I’ll like when I do deliberate over something we’ll think about it I end up going you know what that went against my instinct and I can clearly see when sting was right they right now the house I’m living at I really just didn’t feel like moving here but we talked about and talked about and talked about we did cost some benefits and stuff something I don’t usually do this over kind of thinking we moved here and now this place is full of mold we’re gonna have to move again and I kind of wish we’d looked at my old place I’m like instincts he could stay at the old place [ __ ] Newark now I’m like okay instinct trust I know sometimes I have to go against it just to show myself that it works but I’m decisive people I say don’t trust your instincts because your instincts will say delay procrastinate think again they need to be retrained to go like okay I can clean up Amir so what means do I want that one or that one I prefer that one go for it yeah I’ve got a little five-step process for practicing this okay first one is you got to ask yourself a question the situation and what value does a call for there’s a situation where I need to be courageous situation where I need to be honest situational I need to be curious and exploratory situation where I need to be respectful compassionate what’s the situation kind of calling for a jingle so it’s going to talk to a stranger’s probably calling for courage was deciding on your career it’s probably calling for responsibility of career [Music] if you don’t know it’s curiosity if you know but you feel scared it’s courage if you know but you’re worried about how people were gonna react it’s honesty you know these things have just been called for and the second thing is what’s the right action to take to live by their value not what’s the right decision what actually lives by their value because that is the decision you know like telling my girl in the middle of breakfast that I’d use porn that was living by honesty and courage in the situation that call for honesty and courage that’s what it look like so I did it and there’s a third step just go just do it small as possible step you can think of interesting salsa you don’t know what my curiosity is being called for what would curiosity look like seeing them an email saying when’s the next class okay just ghost in the email go you’re done thinking you thought enough you know need to reconsider it you need to look at more classes just in the email to that one I mean you just will stick back and let them react that’s step four so quite often that’s the way I do decision maker throw a little thing out there and I go what do you think there’s like people gonna whoever’s involved or whatever is happening react to it you know it’s like kind of like a scientific experience undoes it feels like I dropped something in the test tube I’m like see what happens you know

and then if the what happens as a mere step 5 as you clean up that mess and then you’re on to your next decision now what does the situation call for which value what I mean to live by that value go leave them react clean it up a big decision by choosing your careers just cycling through this process kind of trial and error broken down into five steps you know I think I won’t do that career I’m scared so curiosity encourage okay what would a curiously courageous act look like maybe just volunteering for a day okay sign up for a day boom gone to a day see how I react see I everybody else reacts did I destroy any lies so I need to fix anything yes no okay now how do I feel what’s next I’ll finish off with just some things to remember there’s no such thing as a wrong decision it’s just the decision there’s no alternatives available for comparison you can imagine stuff but there isn’t actually anything to compare it to there’s nothing in real life there’s just what is neither better nor worse alternatives are real how good a decision is depends on what you make of it it’s what you do after the decision that decides on the quality of the decision you know so if you learn well now every previous decision will make sense basically if you’ve got a good life now then all your previous decisions were good decisions yes that no matter what you did if I lead up till now and now it’s good then that was good so your decisions whether or not they good or bad depends on what you do now they might decision to be a people-pleaser for 20 years seems like a bad one I’m pretty happy with where I lead me so I’m gonna say it’s a good one right so if you make yourself proud now which often being decisive does or even when you get it wrong you like but I [ __ ] weep for it got some bowls going I like that I feel like a leader feel like a man kind of thing then there won’t really matter whether I was right or wrong it is right because you feel good about making it and then you’ll never have to worry about ever making a bad decision if you know that you can clean that mess up and come to a place where you happy with who you are you’ll always turn any bad decision eventually back into a good one you know you understand regret is based on current behavior not past behavior you know regret mistakes that you made you just don’t like the way you’re living now if you like that there’s no regret because everything lead up till now like I said I’m glad I was a nice guy and suffered I’m glad I was too scared of girls to have sex for like five years I’m glad for all that now because way now is fantastic like the recipe worked

decisiveness will make you like you now which heals the past next thing make a Miss then clean it up don’t imagine mrs. deal with a real one although you think about how many you can imagine how many ways it could go wrong give yourself just one way it went wrong I’m ways easier to deal you know wrong one specific real way and clean it up treat everything yeah Treaty of excessive won’t say again with all this pumping up and encouragement you’re giving us I’m just going to start making more decision to take action it’s fun to be decisive yes being indecisive is not fun it sucks it sucks being decisive is like living on the edge of your seat you know it’s like [ __ ] [ __ ] happening I’ve got a deal with [ __ ] like stuff’s going on I’m alive some real life going on here and yeah all go wrong and they’ll be messy and stuff oh [ __ ] it fix it you know tune it into something it’s like trying to win a fight like try and win the fight the state is running away from it and feeling like a coward you know but the key thing to remember is like treaty everything like an experiment and experiment in integrity and finding out who the [ __ ] you are every decision is like is this who I am or is this or is this and you find out you know you boldly go into something you go there I was [ __ ] stupid so I guess I’m not that good it’s good to know there are no missed opportunities because you’re always doing the best that you can if it didn’t work then it was never gonna work at least now you know right just learn from it yeah like oh oh yeah I’ve done this or would have worked when you’re talking about time travel it’s not possible so it’s never gonna happen you don’t need to worry about that you can’t go back and make it work it never was gonna work cause it never did work but you can grow from it you can learn from it you can become tougher from it you can laugh about it with people later and when we don’t watch movies where everything goes right we want to see people struggle in movies when I see them [ __ ] it up they’re on a roll hours ago where the [ __ ] did he do there we don’t want your movies like [ __ ] spot on this guy never misses a beat awesome we don’t watch those movies they’re not interesting the science of people make lots of mistakes they fail forward they’re wrong nine times out of ten but they benefit 10 times out of 10

you’ll always imagine that decisions are final but in any final decision I can never think of someone making would be to commit suicide anything else can be rectified recovered from fixed in some way adjusted to you know you might maybe you didn’t talk they’re gone she’s gone for your life forever well there’s other girls you can talk to somebody else hmm you know maybe their marriage didn’t work out there’s another person to me three and a half billion of the opposite sex on the planet you’ll figure someone help even if like here’s some permanent injury or some debilitating disease you still learn how to be a good person with that like it’s not game over here you know until you’re dead they store a chance to do something

small things that you usually take just too long to decide on they don’t need to like what are you gonna eat for breakfast or whose email you should respond to first making that phone call what route you drive to your work or the shops just just do it do it impulsively do it where it doesn’t matter if you really [ __ ] it up get used to like just quickly making decisions flip a coin roll the dice if you need to give this up some solute they don’t like variant here because the decision doesn’t matter it’s how you deal with it like a great one is to try to drive to work but every intersection you flip a coin to see which when you turn left or right and then try again you know or try to get to your friend’s house without navigation there’s gas and then fix that situation little things or doesn’t matter if you [ __ ] it up but I’ll put you in a situation where you like you’re being decisive and getting it wrong and fixing it so you can build up their trust in yourself like [ __ ] I can handle some [ __ ] and this is more interesting than getting it right actually that’s what I was saying earlier it’s like being able to be by civ and handle the consequences of being decisive it’s way better than trying to get it getting it right all the time and looking for that optimal decision you make decisions optimal after they’ve done not before you kind of optimize them as you go you kind of like you start there on super [ __ ] messy cleanup there except but change that but then it gets more and more two more it’s like losing something you get in first dance class and you’re standing on people’s feet and you can’t get the rhythm and [ __ ] next time you train get your rhythm right times they drinking you lead right you just kind of fix the mistakes as you go you know so I’m thinking about how to dance yeah last thing I’ll say is the thing that’s been obvious throughout the whole call you know from experience that being indecisive cause you more pain than making wrong decisions it’s better to get it wrong than to not do anything so to get it wrong clean it up mm-hmm yeah you’re gonna have to prove this to yourself you’ll understand it rationally but emotionally you’ll still be afraid of getting it wrong you’re just gonna have to go and get it wrong too shows up see I then die just like every other time I didn’t die and I handled it you know final thoughts or questions for you wrap it up yeah I definitely think there’s a lot of practical handles that this has given me like especially the mindset shift for how you evaluate what a good and a bad decision is that’s more just what decision suits my value best and then that combined with the time limits I think will really do a lot of good for me and in my case this webinar will definitely help me a lot and I’ll download it as soon as you share it because being an analytical thinker that wants to make the optimal perfect decisions all the time and I overthink a lot of things this will help me out a lot especially in the social world where you’re constantly being you know tested or ask questions or you have to introduce yourself on make decisions quickly this will definitely help in being more impulsive and being challenging myself and being able to handle the consequences of being decisive rather than overthink and seeing opportunities go by because I didn’t react yeah yeah it’s good to feel the kind of excitement from you guys cuz you know being stuck thinking about something is you die a million deaths and you just move forward on your like a or die one death you know it’s just it’s just a one but it might not all be imagined but especially anybody who’s interested in building a sense of masculinity decisiveness is a huge factor in there yeah going for us going boldly getting it wrong willing to take the heat willing to get yourself into difficult situations and muscle your way through them you know you develop a lot of kind of like yeah I can [ __ ] handle some [ __ ] that kind of sense of what a lot of people call confidence there’s like a competence and the unknown it seems like even if [ __ ] goes wrong I got this I’ve been practicing mmm you know and then it doesn’t really have to go right I really like these days when I make decisions I don’t really care what the potential outcomes are I just want to get there let’s just do it okay fine I moved to this house and we’ll just see how it goes [ __ ] it cuz I’ll handle it yeah ugly all grow from this yeah all right guys let’s wrap it up there thanks much appreciate you joining in so I like these being a bit more sort of a fun interactive hmm great webinar thanks dad nice to meet greet nice to meet you Thomas yeah nice to meet you tuna and their yeah things that and their congratulations on your coaching anniversary yeah yeah take that but I’ll take it awesome all right guys I’m here right here Cheers

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