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Debunking the Arguments Against Radical Honesty

In this podcast, I scoured the internet to find the most common arguments against honesty – the justifications for lying, manipulation, and keeping thoughts to yourself. I will address each of them with my counter arguments, including the most powerful cases I’ve ever seen: hiding Jews from the Nazis, and not telling a child that they’re about to die!


Full transcript (unedited)

Welcome back to the brojo online podcast. Now, probably the most negative critical feedback I get is on my stance on radical honesty, the idea that honesty is the best policy all the time. I’m quite absolutist about that, you might say. And that’s where I get the most pushback from even people who are really dedicated to integrity as a year. But what about this time and that time, and so on. So what I’ve done is I’ve quickly collated some of the most common arguments against on the sea from around the internet. And so I’m not actually trying to convince anyone to be honest here. But I just want to show you what a radically honest person thinks of all the arguments against honesty. Number one, people don’t want the truth. Pretty big assumption to make there. But a lot of people make this assumption. So idea that people just would prefer to be lied to. And yet, if you go around asking people, if that’s what they prefer, see what they say, go and ask the people you love and care about you say, would you rather I told you the truth, or that I lied to you to make you feel better? And just see what they say? Do they really not want the truth? Now, we think that because people react to the truth, or honesty, with emotions that we find uncomfortable to be around, we think that means they don’t want the truth. What it really means is, we don’t want to be around them while they process the truth. Because we are fragile, because we are emotionally fucking weak. Right? So this idea that people don’t want the truth is very unlikely, because I bet you do want the truth? Do you want to know what the politicians are doing with your money? Do you know? Do you want to know what your boss thinks of your performance? Do you want to know if your partner really loves you? Or do you not want to know these things? Maybe, maybe you don’t really want to know it. But whenever I dive deep into this conversation with any specific individual, and I offer them that choice, would you rather have all the information? Or would you like a nice lie that makes you feel better, while this information exists behind your back? While I’m here to find somebody who prefers the lie. Number two, telling the truth at work can get you fired. As a couple of things I’ll address here first off is the difference between honesty and telling the truth. So honesty is a accurate expression of your thoughts and feelings at the time. That’s the most sort of simplistic definition. Telling the truth is giving objective data to the best of your awareness. But if you don’t want to give someone data, then the honest thing to say is I don’t want to tell you that. So truth telling and honesty are not the same thing. truth telling us I give you the data, no matter how I feel about giving it to you. Right? I’ll talk about what happens if someone asks for your credit card details at the end of this podcast. But through telling would be giving them the credit card details. Honestly, you will be saying I don’t trust you with those details. So I’m not going to give them to you. So I’m actually expressing what I think and feel rather than the data that you’re asking for. Just because somebody asks you a question, honestly doesn’t mean you must answer the question. You’re not an AI robot in our chat GPT that has forced to answer it to the best of their ability. The answer can still be honest, without revealing the full truth, you can still say I don’t want to tell you that or that information is something I can’t trust you with that still honesty. That being said, even just being honest at work can get you fired. Absolutely it can. But this begs the question is getting fired a bad thing? Is getting fired from a job where you’re not allowed to be honest, a bad thing? And what country and there are some countries, but What country are you living, where it is legal to fire you for being honest. Because I have this happened so often with my clients, they’re worried about getting fired for being honest. But I look at the legislation on my duty, if they fire you for being honest, they’re gonna have to pay you out. You take them to small claims court, you got 10 grand right there, because nowhere in your employment contract doesn’t say you can’t be honest, you haven’t breached any code of conduct. And fact most of the time you’re sticking to at least their virtue signaling code of conduct. So this idea that getting fired from a job, because you’re being honest, is a bad thing only really applies to people in very extreme poverty scenarios. And even then, if they have enough sort of wisdom and resources, they can get a big payout for it. So I do agree that telling the truth and being honest at work can get you fired. I just don’t agree that that’s a bad thing. I think if you’re staying in a job where you’re afraid to be honest, you’re in the wrong fucking job and you should be looking elsewhere. And actually being honest, will help accelerate that process because it’ll either make the whole workplace step up or you’ll get fired, which will put you in a kind of boat burned position and make you more likely to find a job. Number three, your privacy is yours to keep. So this is the idea that you’re allowed to have secrets and There’s some sort of nobility and keeping secrets. Again, being honest and being truthful and not for saying things or being truthful will be like our reveal any secret that I’m asked for being honest, would be telling the person how I feel about revealing such a secret, especially if I don’t feel like revealing it. But we were obsessed with privacy, aren’t we? And I would plant a seed question then. Right? I want you to think about canceled culture. When you think about the celebrities and high profile figures, they get taken down by Kancil culture. And I want you to notice that they’re the ones who get taken down. And the ones who survive it mostly unscathed. There’s kind of two types of people. There’s people they try to cancel on, and they can’t, you know, the Dave Chappelle and the Joe Rogan’s and those kinds of guys. And then there’s the people that they take out, right, the Louis C, KS, and so on, with even minor stuff, not mentioning the big things. What’s the difference? secrecy? The guys who are immune to cancel culture, are not hiding anything and never have been. This isn’t like some scandal where truths about them are being revealed that they’ve been hoping nobody would find out, there’s a yell like that. Everybody knows me knows, I’m like that. Now you got a fucking problem with it, I don’t care. My audience already loves me already knowing it. So nothing changes for me. Whereas the ones that get cancelled are like, Oh, shut it out. Now you have a completely different impression of me. Now I’ve lost good faith with my audience. So what’s the best approach to avoid getting canceled? No privacy. See, privacy is for cowards. I see that. To be said, the need to keep something a secret is always based in fear, fear of the consequences, there might be a reasonable fear that this information will be used against me, so on and so forth. But I’ll tell you what information cannot be used against you. Unless it’s a secret. If you are completely out in the open about everything from the minute that information is arises, and the minute something’s true, you reveal it to people. And it’s just out in the public domain for everyone to know. How can that possibly be used against you? How could somebody sabotage you and get you fired from your job? About piece of information you’ve already told to your boss, right? How can somebody gets you canceled off your favorite platform, when you’ve been talking openly about the stuff that they’re trying to get you canceled for, you can keep privacy if you want, but it is not an asset, it is a liability. So if you want privacy unstained you’re taking a risk whatever it is, you’re keeping private, especially if you feel a need for it to be private. If a manipulative person finds that information, they will weaponize it against you and you will be vulnerable. If that information is freely available to the whole public, nobody can do anything with it. Next one, we lie to save others feelings. That’s true. People do lie under the guise of saving other people’s feelings. But is that really what we’re doing? They misspell the word there. See they’re spelled manipulate sav E, we don’t save other people’s feelings. We manipulate their feelings for our own emotional convenience. So we’re all raised this as trauma stuff, we’re raised and conditioned to believe that certain emotions are bad and wrong. Now there’s no objective data to prove this, we just believe it. So thank God, if I say this, they will be angry or they will be sad or confused, or they’ll stop liking me. That is bad and wrong. I must prevent that from happening. And then we think well, it’s pretty manipulative. So I’ve got to tell myself a story how this is actually in their benefit. This isn’t just for my comfort, which is the truth. This somehow protects them. So they don’t have to be hurt by feelings. In other words, you make them fucking fragile because they have no chance to experience a range of emotions. And because they don’t have that chance when something does hit them. They have no fucking experience dealing with it, and they fall to pieces. Do you know who handles upsets and surprises? Well, somebody who’s experienced a vast range of emotions many times over the course of their life, somebody who’s heard the truth over and over again, and has become immune to the shock value of it. Right? You think you’re protecting people when you hide the truth from them so that they can have another happy moment? Now you’re setting them up to get hit even harder in the future? This isn’t for them. Stop fucking kidding yourselves. You do it so that you get to have a more convenient moment with them. And that’s the only reason you do it. You fucking coward. Was it too harsh? Man, maybe it was too harsh. But I’m talking like as if I’d be talking to my past self and all of this stuff is exactly what would be true if I was saying it to my past self, he only protected people’s feelings because he was scared that if it wasn’t for other people, they didn’t benefit in the long run from their protection, they became more fragile. They were gaslighted into believing a fairyland delusion that didn’t exist, and they would end up getting harmed even more in the future. Number five, honesty doesn’t help when nothing can be changed. So reasonable argument, the idea, should I say something, if there’s no helpfulness to it, if it if it doesn’t provide value, or problem solving to a situation, what they’re overlooking is the benefits of honesty to yourself. Honesty is one of the main pillars of self confidence. Right? When you express what you’re thinking and feeling at all given times, you validate yourself, so you don’t need it from other people anymore. It’s kind of like if you imagine raising a child and you encourage them to speak their mind, what that will do for their confidence, compared to if you tell them to shut up all the time, and say that what they say isn’t valuable. In middle what their does their confidence, some of you don’t need to imagine because it was done to you. So this idea that like, what’s the point in saying something if the situation can’t be changed, which usually means like, what’s the point of saying something if I can get some sort of external value from this for myself? The real question is, how does your confidence suffer? If you suppress your truth? What message are you sending to yourself, when you say to yourself Shut up, nothing you say is valuable. But instead, if you go look, when I’ve got something to say, I’ll just say it in case I will resent myself later for not saying it, in case it’s information that needs to be said. And just to prove to myself that I am never going to hold myself back. You can’t get confidence from other people. Good luck with it. But you can get it from yourself through honesty. Next one, people with power over us don’t want the truth. It’s a pretty big assumption. Actually, people with power over us love to have all the information at hand to make the best possible decisions to manipulate us. What I think they’re really saying here is that people in power don’t want the people they have power over to know the truth. So actually, if you’re holding back in order to keep those above you, you know, approving of you and not seeing it as a threat. all you’re really doing is putting everyone else at risk. So when you get uprisings and coos of various kinds against like dictators and you know, nasty people, it’s when it’s when the truth becomes vastly aware. It’s where the propaganda starts to fall down, and people see the person for the evil bugger that they really are. So when you’re holding things in, because you’re scared of those up above, you putting everyone around you at more risk, because maybe everyone around you is waiting for the rebellious leader. And just like you, you’re waiting for someone else to go first, which is fine. It’s up to you. But make no mistake, this is cowardice. And this is a really interesting one confidence over truth pays. So it’s this idea that if you have to have a choice between being honest or appearing to be confident, it’s better to appear to be confident. And this one’s ridiculous. Because honesty creates confidence. Dishonesty is self devaluation itself. invalidation, you don’t get more confident by being dishonest, in which case, what they’re really saying is pretend to be confident in order to impress other people, and give external rewards, rather than validate yourself. If you think that sounds like a formula for a good life, by all means, go for it. And I’ll see you in 10 years for coaching when it doesn’t work out. Next one telling a nice story helps when the truth hurts. No, it doesn’t. Actually, let’s imagine going to deliver bad news layoffs, I found out that your partner’s cheating on you isn’t really any way to say that that hurts any less. You know, your friend just died in a car crash. Is there any story I could add to that that’s going to make you go oh, that’s not so bad. The truth always heard as much as the truth hurts. Adding a nice story simply makes it more confusing. Simply drags it out with suspense and foreplay, and probably leads you in a position where you go I don’t know what you’re talking about. So they’ve got confusion as well as paid. You know, police officers are really good at this. They’ll say look, sit down, we’re going to tell you something. Your husband was in an accident. He didn’t make it. Because police officers know that there’s no additional words that will reduce the impact of this. But additional words might give them false hope would actually increase the impact if you like, Look, your husband was an expert. That’s okay. It’s okay. Nothing, nothing to worry about. But he did die. You know, that’s going to hurt even more than if Like he’s dead, just deal with it. Right? I don’t mean to trigger anyone with that particular example. But I want you to think about times you receive bad news did the story that somebody padded it with the sugar that they coated it with that a really reduced the harm? Or did it just make the harm take longer to arrive make it more confusing. And did it feel like the person was trying to control you that feel like they were telling a nice story so that you wouldn’t have a bad reaction in their prisons, which they would find inconvenient. Right, when somebody pads out a story when they’re delivering bad news, just because they’re afraid that they won’t be able to handle your reaction, they’re not doing it for you, they’re doing it for themselves every time. Next one, you can’t tell the truth when you move on. So let’s see, ideally, you can’t burn bridges. There’s a thing with anxiety and fear, which is if you behave as if you’re under threat, if you behave as if you can’t be trusted. If you behave as if you’re going to fail, you’ll feel more likely that that’s true. The concept of burning bridges is actually about self validation, you’re saying I will get by without this. When you try to cling on to a bridge, let’s say you leave a job, for example, that you were bullied at, right? The boss bullied you. But when you go through the exit interview, you tell everyone that it was great, and so on and so forth. Because you want to maybe come back to this job in the future, you don’t want to rock the boat, what you’re telling yourself in that moment is I can’t be trusted to make my future work out. I need this safety net, I need this backup plan. It is a form of self discouragement. And when you do it to other people, you discourage them. If somebody’s like, you know, I’m going to quit my corporate job to become an artist. And they’re like, well don’t burn the bridges. What you’re saying is you’re not going to make it as an artist. Do you think that’s going to help them be a better artist or not? No, it actually, by having that safety net, you plant the seed of doubt in your head. And you demotivate yourself because you’re like in weak moments, you can just slip back to the sink. Or as you burn the bridge like Well, that’s not an option of God to make this work. And that brings out the best in you. So this idea that you got to like keep things nice and calm and safe and like make sure everyone still likes you even when you moved on and so on. All that is self discouragement. And that does not lead to the best possible outcomes in the long run anyway. Next one was people want us to listen, not give advice. I don’t know if you have a major problem with this. I think what they’re saying here is just because you’ve got honest things to say in response to somebody sharing with you doesn’t mean that it’s actually your turn to speak or that that’s the most helpful thing to do at this time. One of the kind of nuances I tried to get across was honesty is the fifth principle of powerful honesty, reciprocation, there should always be a balanced interaction, they should have their turn as well, especially over the course of a relationship. Sometimes it’s like you’re doing deviant sometimes it’s there’s other conversations a 5050. But overall, it’s balanced. So absolutely, there are times when you’re in the Listening role, when it’s your turn to be the one who receives shut the fuck up, let them talk. Just because ideas are popping into your head doesn’t mean you need to interrupt and share those ideas. However, if it comes to the point where they’re asking for feedback and advice, don’t be dishonest, right? They shouldn’t come to you if they don’t like honest advice and feedback that should go somewhere else if they want to be replicated and lied to. So I actually don’t have a problem with us that people don’t want us to give advice. But giving advice isn’t the same thing as being honest. You’ll feel annoyed when others aren’t as honest with you. Yes, you will. I don’t understand why that’s a reason not to be honest. Except it comes from the grander idea that everything has to be transactional. Everything has to be you get something from the other person. So a lot of people their argument against honesty is I’m not getting a reward from the other person for doing it. So there’s no point. It’s a very transactional superficial, materialistic consumers view of the world, the integral view of the world where it’s like, it’s about having your own philosophy, about behaving with integrity, about loving yourself because of your behavior that you know you’ve earned confidence, then it doesn’t matter how people respond to your honesty, it doesn’t matter if they reciprocate or not. In fact, the level with which they reciprocate is just a measure of who you should keep in your life. So if I go out to a party, and I’m honest with everybody, maybe one person two tops will be as honest with me. Well, guess what? I’m going to spend the rest of my night talking to those people, and I’m going to dismiss everybody else and reject them. So I don’t actually get annoyed when people aren’t that honest with me because they’re just self selecting out of my life. I only want honest people in my life. And in order to find those people I have to go first and lead and show them that honest others will find you rude. Yes, they will. Why is was that a reason not to be honest? All right, because we’re scared. Yeah, people are going to find you rude when you’re honest. And what this really means is one of two things either your delivery is off. So you haven’t learned the powerful honesty principles. So you’re saying things say in a judgmental way, or you’re using kind of argument fallacies that aren’t really representative of honesty, you’re not taking responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings. You might say, for example, saying opinion as if it’s a fact. These are things that people find rude when your honesty isn’t really accurate, right. But let’s say you are using powerful honesty and people will still find your roof which does happen. If for example, you know, I send food back at a restaurant because it’s undercooked. You know, the chef might think I’m rude even though it is undercooked. This is just the price you have to pay for being honest. I’ve never made the argument that being honest, gets the best possible positive reactions from people. But I do make the argument they’re being honest when people get the reactions you need to form a healthy social circle. Which means some people are going to hate you, or just dislike you or just kind of not want to be around you. Only people pleasers think that other people finding you rude as a reason not to be honest. Because people pleasers believe you got to make everyone like you, which means no one loves you. It’s an avoidant attachment strategy, we keep everyone as arm’s length, and you die alone. So the other way to do it is you like, I’m gonna blast everyone with honesty, some people are going to absolutely fucking hate it. Some people are just going to be neutral and disinterested. And some people are going to think I’m the absolute shit and love me a very small portion of the group. And those people are going to be there for me for the rest of my life, they’re going to be holding my hand on my deathbed, I will not die alone. Because of these connections, I will always feel like I’m part of something and that I have real depth with people. But the cost is that people will find you rude. So yes, I agree, people will find you rude if you’re honest. There might be some of you listening to me doing this podcast thinking I’m rude or too brutal or too harsh or judgmental or whatever. I’m okay with you thinking their way. It’s either a temporary thought that you have. But overall, you’re like me, or you’ll just hate me. But either way, the only people that will get through this podcast and love me at the end of the kind of people I want to connect with. And I’m okay with everyone else not wanting to their 8 billion people go find someone else to be friends with. I’m cool with it. I can handle them any friends anywhere to fucking autistic. Next one, others will respond to you negatively when you honestly state your opinions without regard for their feelings. Not always. But yes, sometimes maybe even often, however, without regard for their feelings, is not necessarily powerful honesty. So being judgmental, blunt, abusive, these are not the same things as honesty. And often they actually something that people hide behind the kind of aggressive shield to hide their vulnerability. Vulnerability is one of the key principles of powerful honesty, you open up you let them know where you’re weak, and you show them everything transparently. People very rarely feel that you’re being too hard when you show these things. But some people are gonna respond negatively to you when you share your opinions, your feelings, your preferences, and so on. There’s no avoiding that if you want to be honest, there’s no honesty that everyone loves. But there’s no fake bullshit that everyone loves either. So you’re going to be hated no matter what you do. And the decision comes down. Do I also want to be hated by myself? If the answer is yes, then be dishonest. Because you will invalidate yourself, you’ll lose track of who you really are. You’ll have no real connections with anybody else. You lose track of sense of meaning and purpose and just become fixated on external rewards that are temporary. Yeah, it’s a great life, if you hate life, but if you want to love yourself, feel confident and have great connections with a few people, then other people are going to have to respond to you negatively. You’re going to have to polarize people with your honesty. There is no honesty that pleases but there is honesty that creates love. And the last point there may is really just a repeat you’ll have fewer friends. Absolutely you will. Have you ever wondered why people have a problem with us? How many friends do you want 1000? A million? Here’s a question that helps you figure out whether or not honesty is right for you. Would you rather have five awesome best friends maybe including a partner who know you inside and out. You never have to pretend you never have to force an emotion. You can be whatever you are tired, anti social, depressed, excited anything and they love you for it. You can’t go wrong with these people. You get away with murder and they are your favorite people. Being around them invigorates you and makes you feel You’re allowed Life’s worth living. If you feel safe, you have great shared experiences similar preferences on five of them. And that’s it. For 100 associates who all like you, but in order to keep them liking you, you have to be fake, right? You can’t show them what you’re really thinking and feeling. You can’t be honest with them all the time, in all situations, because you’ll lose them. So you have to kind of manage it. So they never really know who you are. But what they do know they like, not love, just like, dishonesty creates that environment socially. Sometimes it doesn’t even do that much. Honesty creates the other one. And it pretty consistently does that if you socialize enough. So that’s your choice. When it comes to being honest, you will have fewer friends, but there’ll be real friends, we can have lots of associates who are in love with the fake representation you put out, which is kind of like being an actor, and everyone loves you because of a role you played. But they don’t actually know what you’re like, your choice, whichever one you think’s more satisfying. Number one. Now what did they say no one actually wants to hear what you think. They want to hear what they want to hear. I think this is just a repeat of people don’t really want the truth. Again, this is a very ungenerous assumption of people a very negative judgment of people, this idea that people would rather live naive than hear the truth. And yet, I want you to go find the individual who says this, the individual says I’d rather stay plugged into the matrix, I’d rather just have a delusion, then have all the information in front of me so they can make good decisions, like find me, the person who says it. And if you can’t find me, that person, then they are out there. I’ll show you somebody who’s seriously psychologically disordered, a very unwell An example is if your girlfriend asked if she looks fat, you tell her Of course not covered this in another video. telling somebody whether or not they’re fat is not honesty, because there’s a judgmental statement that you can say how attracted you are to somebody. And that will make a difference to your relationship. If you pretend to be attractive to someone when you’re not. That does not work out well, long term. It doesn’t look at divorce rates, it doesn’t actually says people sometimes use honesty to indulge the diarrhea of the mouth. Yeah, not everyone needs to know everything goes through your head. I actually agree with this. But this is not an honesty problem. It’s a reciprocation problem. The best thing you can do if you want to remain honest and balanced, there’s only ever say one thing at a time. You don’t diarrhoea on people, okay? You don’t stack points. You don’t branch off in a million directions in one story, you just say one point want to make and then it’s their turn. And if they ask a question, you say, no, no, no, it’s your turn to share. You tell me something about you. And you keep a balance that way. And then we’ll never feel like you’re overburdening or oversharing with somebody. And it prevents them from under sharing as well, which creates an imbalanced relationship, honesty or just plain mean. So again, this is one of those people who think that being honest about negative feedback is somehow cruelty. And the example they use, you know, like, if your co workers voice bothers you, you should just smile and say, Hey, I like you. And, you know, gaslight them into thinking that nothing’s wrong with them. I used to work with a girl who had really bad body odor, and no one told her. When I finally told her, she was so relieved to get that information. I mean, she was very embarrassed at first. But later on, she realized if I hadn’t told her, she would have gone on being the smelly girl at the office without even knowing about it, what a horrible thing to be. To, you know, she would have found out eventually, right, she would have overheard some gossip or accidentally been seen an email, the truth always comes out. But if you’re really upfront with people from the beginning, where nothing is ever let sitting, and whatever your opinions or preferences are, and no one right from the beginning, you actually get forgiven for it, you become known as the guy who’s liked that. And people take it a lot less harsh, they will are don’t worry about Danny, he just speaks his mind. And people will trust you. And that means when you give them positive feedback, they’ll actually believe you. Most people don’t believe compliments. Why? Because they don’t ever get real negative feedback from the person. So they don’t know what they really think they can’t trust that this person isn’t just people pleasing, or manipulating them. But when you like, I don’t like this about you. But I love that about you, personally. Okay, fair enough. He does actually love that. So and you’re being honest, because you just can’t deal with the secret anymore. So this is the idea that if you share stuff about yourself, you burden other people, Jesus, whoever wrote this article was absolutely fucked. This has just shamed or in this person’s been conditioned from childhood into some serious trauma, the idea that what’s true about you is somehow a burden to other people, and you should save it for your therapist. Again, if you’re following the role of reciprocation, there’s no burdening of people, you share one thing with them. If they respond negatively, you don’t share with them anymore and you go find somebody else. They respond positively you let them share and return and you Old and get to know each other their way. This is the kind of person that tries to get to know people by interviewing them. Right just asking them questions, getting them to talk about themselves and never sharing anything about yourself. It’s called an avoidant attachment fecund style and it’s a disorder, it means that you will never connect deeply with people. If you got to connect with people, you have to share information about yourself, they can’t get to know you, if you don’t let them get to know you. That should be really fucking obvious. But of course, a lot of people are too traumatized to act on this because they’re conditioned and and believing that truth about themselves are shameful. You must share with other people. But the key to avoid oversharing is to let them share in return. That’s it. Listen to this one. If people were honest, all the time, how would anyone sell anything? In other words, I tried to sell stuff that isn’t actually valuable. You know, if something’s good, then being honest about it sells it shamelessly honest, if you say this really does this benefit, and I know that it would work for you. That sales, if you’re being honest about a good thing. Now if you have to lie about something to sell it, then stop trying to sell that fucking thing. Stop being an evil person, go find something good to sell. Stop trying to dump junk on somebody else. This is a real easy solver. So if people were honest all the time, how would we talk to children? Like we fucking respect their intelligence, maybe I this is a big topic, a lot of people no matter how honest they are, they still think you should lie to children. And yet, if you want to trace back that parents trauma, you’ll find that all come down to dishonesty in their childhood, they were lied to they were tricked, it turned them into something that they could have been something better. I’m pretty, I guess, controversial. With my tiny audience around this, I really don’t believe you need to lie to children at all ever about anything. Now, you adjust the language to the comprehension level. That’s different, you don’t change the truth level, you just change the wording. Right? So if I’m talking to my two year old or daughter about death, or not like well, the maggots come and decompose your body, right? Because she’s not going to be able to absorb and handle that kind of thing without having horrific nightmares. But I do say things like sometimes people go to sleep, and that’s it, they finished. And that’s the determiners over and it it happens to happen to dogs and everything. And the pain goes away. Right? I can say stuff like that. You don’t have to lie to kids, you don’t need to tell them that Santa Claus left something under the tree, that might be a fun thing to do. But you know, you’re losing sight of the fact that if they’re the last kid in school to find out the sender’s not real, they’re going to be humiliated. They’re going to be their kid who’s behind everybody, you’re setting them up for that potentially. So just lying for your own convenience to a child is telling the child that I don’t respect your intelligence, you’re too stupid to handle the truth, and they will act according to their self fulfilling prophecy. But if you treat a child like alright, you want to know the truth? Here it is, what do you think that let’s talk it through. Let’s have that inconvenient uncomfortable discussion, which is the real reason you don’t tell them this stuff. And you have that discussion with them. They’re going to feel respected. They’re gonna be admired amongst their peer group as the kid knows all the shit. You’re all member their kid. You remember the first kid in new stuff about six? How much we looked up to that kid? The kid who knew the secrets about the adult world, and none of our parents are telling us how much we like pumped that give them information, right? You’re not doing them any social favors by making them live in a fairytale world. Okay. I won’t go into that, because that’s a whole thing on its own. I’ve already done a whole podcast on why we shouldn’t lie to kids. But I will tell you as the only reason you lie to kids is because you’re scared of their you won’t be able to handle their reaction, that you’re scared you’re gonna traumatize them or something. But the only thing that traumatizes them was then finding out too late about the truth. Okay, you can give them the truth in a way they can handle adjusted to their age level, with plenty of chance for them to talk it through with you so that they can understand it deeply. You gotta remember, they don’t have preconceived notions, they’re not going to be shocked by information, because I’ve got nothing to compare it to. On the same way somebody else would be like an adult. Remember, honesty doesn’t mean telling the truth. So if kids I asked about, Oh, I saw your mom wrestling in bed last night, what were you doing in say, Look, I’ll tell you about that. But more when you’re older, and you can understand. For now, just understand that it was our version of hugging, but I’ll talk to you about it later. So you don’t actually have to tell them everything just because they asked. But you also don’t have to lie. You can say look, there’s time and a place for this information or I’m not comfortable telling it to you. But one day I will be and when I am. I’ll explain it to you better. Right. That’s honesty. Because if you’re completely honest, your interviews might not go so well. Why would you want to get a job that only hires you if you lie? Right? You know, we had the one early Like you might get fired, I’ll tell you what you can avoid getting hired by a job that would hate you for being honest. By being honest, in the job interview, I can tell you with pure confidence, not just my own experience, but every client I’ve worked with on this, those who switch over to being radically honest in their job interviews end up with excellent jobs. And they’re usually a breath of fresh air to the hiring people. And they polarize away jobs that have a toxic work culture. So if you’re completely upfront in the job interview, you’re only going to be hired by a place that you’ll probably love working it in, you will not be hired by a place that’s going to be toxic. It’s real simple. If we’re honest with ourselves all the time, we’d have it a lot rougher. This is the idea that honesty does the pain. And the lying hurts, honestly, is the revelation of the lie. You know, when we find out something that we’ve been denying to ourselves, when we finally face the truth about ourselves, that hurts, it doesn’t hurt because of the truth, it hurts because of how long we weren’t telling ourselves the truth. Classic example for me as I sabotage my relationships with women for like, 10 years. So we 10 years to see that I was the problem that actually woman did want to be with me, and if I just gotten out of my own fucking way would have happened. But I had an avoidant attachment style, and I’m scared of intimacy, and I was fucking it up for telling myself a story that girls don’t like me, now that really hurt to see they’re like, Oh, I wasted my 20s. Right, they really hurt or hurt even more. If I found out another 10 years later, it would have been devastating if I found out another 10 years later. How do I know this because I work with people who don’t reveal that truth to themselves until much later. And it just absolutely destroys them. And they’re getting divorced, and they can’t see their kids and they have no idea how to connect with woman or whatever. The sooner you’re honest with yourself, the less it hurts. And if you’re honest with yourself all the time, you never get hurt, because there’s no lie build up. It’s lies that hurt us not the truth, the truth is just the messenger. But the lie was the setup. Last one I’ve got here is because the real reason isn’t acceptable. So this is where like you’re invited to something. And rather than making an excuse, actually tell them that you don’t want to go where you’d rather not. And they think this is a bad thing to do. But it’s only a bad thing to do. If you want to keep bad for people in your life. If you genuinely don’t want to see someone and you tell them that rather than, Oh, I’m too busy, or I got something else on. If you really don’t want to go to something. If somebody invites you, and you tell them that I just don’t really go to that you’re going to quickly polarize either that person doesn’t want to either, and now they’re like, oh, god, me neither. I was just doing it because I thought that’s what you liked. Or they’re just gonna, oh, you’re not my type of person. And away they go. And now you can find your type of person. I had a great breakthrough once told the story many times where I was at a dance event, and I was feeling antisocial. And there’s a lot of people at a dance event to kind of like, Come on, get excited, this is fun. They try to press you into positive emotions for their own convenience. And there was Gilson next to me, and she said, Hey, how’s it going? How’s it are just feeling antisocial today, I’m not into it. And she went, Oh, Thank fuck me neither. Like, she was really worried that she wasn’t appearing social enough. And then I send out this lifeline. Like, you don’t have to actually uncle with it. And we got to know each other, we had a great night talking to each other. Right. And we have friends to this day. So rather than me pleasing all these, like insecure guys who are trying to pressure me into feeling something so that they can validate their own status. I got to connect with a real person and form a friendship the last decades, right? So that comes back to their principle Do you want five people in love you are 100 people who like the thing that they think you are that isn’t real. Now, I’ll finish on this note, whenever I bring up this idea to be honest all the time, I constantly get these two objections. And they’re what I call extreme hypotheticals. And that is where somebody tries to come up with the most extreme situation for being honest, and uses it like a banner to justify all forms of dishonesty. And there’s usually two forms that this comes up. One is hiding Jews from the Nazis, and the other one is telling a kid that they’re going to die. Okay. So the first one is, you know, and I’ve had this on workshops, so often, I say, give me an example when it’s a good time to lie. And they’ll say, Well, it’s, you know, 1941, you’ve got Jews in your base when the Nazis are trying to root them out or whatever. The Nazi comes to your door and says, Do you have any Jews hiding in this house? Should you tell the truth? And this is so hilarious, in a way, because if the Nazis are asking, it’s not like they’re going to be like, Oh, you don’t? Oh, my, my apologies for the inconvenience. We’ll move on. We’ll never come to your house again. If they’re asking they already know. The reason they’re asking is to see whether or not you’re a sympathizer. Right. So Nazis come to your door looking for dirt. Is which is never going to happen in your lifetime and never has happened. So this way, call it extreme hypothetical, you made up a story to try and justify you lie to your wife or whatever it is you want to do. The idea is that like dishonesty would protect you on this extreme situation. But it doesn’t. It just doesn’t. Because if you’re in that situation they already know. Remember, honesty and telling the truth are not the same. So telling the truth would be like, I’ve actually got a bunch of Jews in my basement. Do you want to come and hurt them out? Are you just gonna go kill them down there? Right, that would be truthfulness. Honesty would be something more like if I did, I wouldn’t tell you go fuck yourselves, right? Now you might say, well, that’s a death sentence. The thing is, you’re pretty much already fucked anyway. Right, they’re gonna search the house, they’re gonna find the Jews, the one chance you have of actually throwing them off, is by being so defiant and bold, that they think you’ve got nothing to hide. It’s a similar thing I’ve seen in prison. If you stand up to the biggest guy and just say like, fuck, you give me my chicken back, they’re actually less likely to get into a fight with you. If you show any sign of weakness, it’s like blood in the water to a shark. So in an extreme hypothetical situation, when you feel like lying would protect you. It’s actually the getting caught That’s so dangerous. Whereas being really boldly honest, can be quite kind of discombobulating, like every house that Nazis been to that been lied to. And then they get to this one, they’re just like, I don’t agree with you guys fuck off, you have a slight chance of them respecting that very slight chance. And at the very least, if they do go through our son, find us or whatever, you’ve been actually pretty straight up. So as the least possible punishment is going to happen? Well, you got to understand there are certain situations where you’re fucked no matter what you say. But you can go down with integrity, some pride in yourself. And maybe, maybe protect yourself with the fact that at least you’re not hiding anything, they don’t have to worry about that. Or you can go down as a coward. And that’s how you’ll be remembered to a choice. The next one I get, what do you do if you know your child’s dying, and this one’s hard one. Because I want to be absolutist about honesty, I’ve got this kind of compulsion to like, die with honesty under all circumstances. But none nothing’s wobbled. Me more than than this one, because I imagined my own daughter. In hospital, it’s our nose, she’s got terminal cancer. And I’ve seen a video once where this kid was, I have a final moment with their parents. And the parents were, I don’t have lying is the right word. But they’re sort of playing up like, Oh, you’re just gonna go through a little surgery and we’ll be alright. But actually, they knew that the kid was about to go to sleep and not wake up. I’m not sure on the details, but the kid was done. It’s a very, very heartbreaking video to watch. Because the way the kids being kids about three years old, maybe four. And, and he’s trying to reassure his parents, he’s like, I’m going to be alright. I love you guys so much. It’s like he knew he was done. You know, but kind of didn’t know, this is almost like a naive thing happening. It’s really auto breaking on watch. He’s a, you know, I’m gonna go to sleep. And then we can be together when I wake up currently. And I want the nurses. So nice, thank you to the nurse, I want to say thank you to the nurse. And thank you guys for being here. So it’s like, oh my god, it’s so hard to watch. When I watched the like a second or third time, I can’t remember. And I kind of got a bit more detached after the first emotional wave. As I fuck that kid knows they’re like, that’s why he’s talking like that. He can see something. You know, kids are just so observant. You can lie to them. And they’ll believe you because a parent, but it’s a false belief. They know something’s up, but they don’t trust themselves. They trust you more. And what I saw in this moment was the kid knew something was up. Kids know when something’s up with their parents. So the parents like No, no, you’re gonna be fine. It’s all right. You just gonna have a little sleep. We’ll be here when you wake up. And you know, it must take us so much for the parents to put on that act, try and ease their passing. And I don’t hold that against them, Mama, I don’t have any sense of evil about them. Maybe that was the best thing to do. I can’t say it’s certainly not. My opinion has no weight in their situation they must choose for themselves and their situation. But all I think of is my own situation. And what I would actually hope is there by the time I’m in a situation like that, like my daughter, I’ve been so honest with her at all times, that even if I was to tell her that she was going to die, she would feel safe. She would have a comprehension of death that allowed her to make peace with this passing and I would have the ability in the practice to be able to say it. Now for a start, I don’t actually know anything for certain. So I wouldn’t say anything for certain. My kid was like, am I going to die? I’d say, I don’t know. I don’t know when anyone’s going to die. Nobody does. Even the doctors might say it, but they’re wrong. Sometimes. I don’t know, I don’t want to give you hope. But I don’t know. But what I can say is things like I do know that I’ll carry you here for the rest of my life, I do know that you’ll never be gone, because you’re in me. And I’m a noob. I do know that. If you do die, you won’t know it, you won’t have any pain. I haven’t practiced this enough to know exactly what I would say to try and balance honesty with kind of compassion and love. But I’d hate to think that my kid goes out with this dread, like, something’s wrong. And they’re not telling me I’d hate to think that my kids final moment, was this kind of off seats are saying like, Oh, God, what’s really happening? Right, I’d hate to think that she goes out like there. Now I don’t know what I’d actually do in this situation. And this may be the exception. This may be the one where I just break down. I haven’t really yet. You know, I’ve been on a lot of tough situations with my daughter. Nothing that tough. But like lots of times we’re telling the truth was a real inconvenient conversation and bought lots of emotions and everybody, but I’ve done it and I’ve stuck with it. And so far, she trusts me like you wouldn’t believe like when I say something she believes me. And the thing is, because she knows that I’ll tell her the truth. She’s got an innate sense that and it hasn’t actually affected her sense of judging other people. What’s interesting, I was worried that being really honest with my kid would give them the false perception that everyone’s almost all the time. But actually, what I think is done is made a very hypersensitive to dishonesty she can feel when somebody is often incongruent, because she’s so used to congruence in the home. So as soon as somebody else lies to her just like Matt straight away, she’s like a lie detector. As a fact, thank God they all worked out that way and I can’t promise it happened to little kids, but it definitely is with her. She’s better at reading people than adults. Anyway, those are my thoughts on some of the arguments against honesty. I know I have an absolute a stance and I know that very few people will be as hard out about it as I am. But if you wanted to hear my arguments against the common arguments that’s off the top of my head, no research, no planning, just spontaneous kind of apologetics for honesty. Thank you so much for listening. Till next time

 

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