Discovering Your Core Values: A Practical Exercise for Integrity and Confidence
One of the biggest struggles people face is living in alignment with their true selves. This misalignment creates what I call the “authenticity gap”—the difference between who you are and who you know you should be. The wider the gap, the more you struggle with confidence, self-worth, and overall life satisfaction.
In this post, I’ll guide you through a practical exercise to uncover your core values and help you start living by them. This process will build integrity and ultimately make you a more self-confident person.
Are Core Values Innate?
I believe core values are something we’re born with, though they develop through life experiences. Watching young children, it’s clear they naturally live by certain principles without being explicitly taught. However, as we grow up, external influences—parents, teachers, and society—often condition us away from these innate values, leaving us confused, disconnected, and even depressed.
By rediscovering and consciously living by our core values, we can close the authenticity gap and build a strong sense of self.
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The Exercise: Uncovering Your Core Values
I’ll ask you four key questions. Before moving on to the next one, take a moment to reflect and jot down answers in bullet points. Don’t overthink—just let your thoughts flow naturally. There’s a hidden structure behind these questions, which I’ll reveal after you’ve answered them.
1. What Makes Someone a Good Person?
Think about the characteristics that define a good person in your opinion—not according to society, religion, or external sources, but purely from your own perspective.
List as many traits as you can. These answers will reveal your “soft values”—the ones you already believe you embody or aspire to embody. They are often the traits you take pride in and believe make you a decent person.
2. Who Do You Admire and Why?
Admiration is different from respect. You might respect someone who shares your values, but admiration is reserved for those who demonstrate qualities or behaviors you wish you had.
Think about the people you look up to—not necessarily as a whole, but specific traits or actions they exhibit. Try to pinpoint exactly what about them resonates with you.
These answers will reveal your “hard values”—the ones you find challenging to live by. You admire these qualities because you know, deep down, that you should embody them more, but you currently don’t.
3. Who Do You Envy and Why?
Envy isn’t just about wishing you had what someone else has. It’s often rooted in a story you tell yourself—an excuse for why they have what you don’t.
Think about people whose success, relationships, or achievements trigger envy in you. What story do you tell yourself about their advantage and your disadvantage?
This question helps reveal the limiting beliefs you use to avoid living by certain values. For example, if you envy someone for their social confidence, you might tell yourself, “They were born that way,” rather than acknowledging that they’ve probably worked hard to develop that confidence.
4. Who Do You Hate and Why?
Discomfort with this question is normal, but be honest with yourself. Think about people or behaviors that trigger intense negative reactions in you.
Hate often stems from a violation of our core values. If you despise dishonesty, honesty is likely a core value for you. If laziness frustrates you, responsibility or ambition might be values you hold dear.
Extracting Your Core Values
Now that you have your answers, it’s time to analyze them.
- Soft Values (Good Person Question): These are the values you already believe you live by, but be cautious—some may be aspirational rather than genuine.
- Hard Values (Admiration Question): These are the values that challenge you. You admire them in others because you know you need to work on them yourself.
- Excuses (Envy Question): Identify the stories you tell yourself that prevent you from living by your core values.
- Anti-Values (Hate Question): These show you what you stand against. The opposite of these traits may indicate your core values.
Refining Your Core Values List
By now, you should have a rough list of 5-10 potential core values. To refine this list:
- Keep them simple: One or two words per value.
- Define them practically: Instead of vague concepts, create action-based definitions. For example:
- Honesty: Speak your mind and do what you think is right.
- Courage: Choose the uncomfortable option.
- Responsibility: Own your actions and their consequences.
Your definitions should be clear enough that, in any given situation, you can easily determine how to act in alignment with your values.
Testing and Living by Your Values
The final step is real-world testing. Each day, pick one core value to consciously practice. This could mean:
- Planning a confrontation to practice honesty.
- Taking on a challenge that scares you to practice courage.
- Making a tough but necessary decision to practice responsibility.
At the end of each day, reflect on your experiences. Did living by your value feel right? Did it bring fulfillment or discomfort? Over time, you’ll refine your values and learn how to integrate them into your daily life.
Final Thoughts
Your core values are not just ideas; they are principles that shape your identity and confidence. By consciously identifying and living by them, you close the authenticity gap and step into a more self-assured, fulfilled version of yourself.
Start today. Answer the questions, analyze your responses, and commit to daily actions that align with your true values. Confidence isn’t something you’re born with—it’s something you build by living in integrity with who you really are.
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Thanks for reading
Hope to speak to you soon
Dan Munro
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