Convenient Parenting is the name I give to a style of parenting that no one else seems to be talking about, or even seems to recognise exists. This is probably because it actually plays out differently for everyone who uses it – Convenient Parenting isn’t about the method, it’s about the motive.

In short: Convenient Parenting is about doing whatever is most emotionally and physically convenient for the parents, who then rationalize it to justify their selfishness. It’s where the parents decide on how their going to raise their child based on what feels best, and then they’ll backwards-rationalize a narrative that makes it look like what they’re doing is really in the child’s best interests so they don’t feel guilty about being self-centred.

As a coach who works almost exclusively with adult people pleasers and Nice Guys, Convenient Parenting is the common uniting factor in nearly all of their childhoods. My clients were molded into convenient little children, and as a result suffered disastrous development issues, such as being unable to handle intimate connections, being too scared to take risks without permission, and having no true sense of self.

Now, as I said, the method of this style of parenting ranges wildly because it depends on what is considered convenient for each individual parenting. So if you were to witness it happening in many different households you might see a lot of very different tactics and techniques. What they have in common is that the parents are taking the path of least resistance as they each personally see it.

And because no one wants to identify as being a “bad parent” (and we’re unwilling to admit just how many parents are inadequate when it comes to raising healthy children), they have to make up a story as to why their own convenience actually qualifies as “good” parenting.

I see this all the time on social media nowadays. The kind of parents who constantly post about their kids/family – exploiting their own children for likes and status – will often start a post with something like, “Here’s some of the controversial things we do as parents”. What then follows is a self-congratulatory list of child-rearing practices that often border on abuse or are at least firmly debunked by science with regards to raising healthy children.

What these types of list have in common is that it’s clearly what the parents feel is best… for themselves. The fact they’re using their kids to score social media points already says a lot, and on top of that their preferred parenting style seems to be mostly about what makes the parents feel proud of themselves, rather than genuinely considering what is best for the child.

“I let my kids have as much screen time as they want”. This is not freedom, this is rotting their brain. It’s been proven beyond a doubt that overexposure to screens in early childhood severely limits cognitive development.

“When my kid misbehaves, he gets a time out”. Again, it’s been shown conclusively that this form of “discipline” is ineffective. Sitting kids down and having in depth discussions about their behaviour is what leads to change, not just making them leave you alone for a while.

“I let my baby cry herself to sleep, and within a few days she was sleeping through the night”. Yes… because she is now convinced that no adult will come when she’s in distress. She has begun the process of disconnecting from you, developing either an anxious or avoidant attachment style that will ruin her ability to form healthy relationships in the future. But hey, at least you got a good night’s rest!

It’s like when people are physically abusive toward their kids and then will say something like, “My parents used to hit me and I turned out fine”. Um… no, you didn’t. You turned as someone who passed on your violence to your own children because it was too emotionally inconvenient for you to address the trauma you experienced from the abuse you received yourself. That’s a far cry from “fine”.

Getting the child to shut up or calm down quickly; getting the child to comply with your preferred rules; getting the child to follow your own moral belief system; manipulating the child to become the person you want them to be to make yourself look good to your peers; withholding opportunities and experiences from the child simply because they’re a hassle to provide; putting your child’s health in danger because you prefer belonging to a fringe group of “alternative” parents rather than following the most proven medical advise; lying to your children about things like Santa Claus so they’ll see you as fun and exciting… and so they’ll behave better during the stress of the holidays.

The list of what constitutes convenient parenting goes on and on.

When a parent discovers a tactic or response to children that makes their own lives easier, it’s incredibly tempting to then justify why they should get to keep doing it. Their brains will go to work coming up with a noble story about why the parent should continue taking the easy way out.

In the end, they’ll convince themselves that this was really all about the kid’s best interests all along, and conveniently forget their original intent was to make their own parenting experience less painful.

As a parent, I’m deeply sympathetic about the struggle of trying to balance what’s best for your child against what you’d prefer to do with your time. The two are often in direct conflict. I’ve slipped many times myself.

Yet I’m also this blunt about weak parenting being justified because I firmly believe it’s incredibly selfish and irresponsible to have children if you’re not prepared to deal with this conflict and sacrifice your preferences for what’s best to raise the kid.