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Confidence vs Arrogance: Fear is not my future

A weird barrier that people have to becoming braver is they’re worried about being “too confident”.

They’re worried about straying into the realm of what we call arrogance. This actually stops them from developing their courage or sense of self belief, because they think any kind of backing yourself and going for it and upsetting other people is the same as arrogance.

What they don’t understand is this is just the fear of social judgment disguising itself as some noble attempt at humility.

You’re saying, Look, I’m not going to be confident because I’m a good person. In other words: I’m terrified of what people think of me. And that’s all you’re saying.

Arrogance is not confidence. Arrogance is a manifestation of the fear of being wrong. Confident people are okay with being wrong, arrogant people are not, and this is the distinguishing difference. Arrogance can look like confidence, but really is just domination, aggression, and need for control.

In this video, we unpack the difference and talk about how to become more courageous and assertive without becoming arrogant.

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Full transcript (unedited)

Confidence versus arrogance, fear is not my future.

A weird barrier that people have to becoming brave, is they’re worried about being too confident. They’re worried about straying into the realm of what we call arrogance. And that actually stops them from developing any kind of courage or any kind of self belief, because they think any kind of backing myself and going for and upsetting other people is arrogance. Don’t understand this is just the fear of social judgment, disguising itself as some noble attempt at humility. When you say, Look, I’m not going to be confident, because I’m a good person, what you’re really saying is, I’m terrified of what people think of me. And that’s all you’re saying. Arrogance is not confidence. Arrogance is a manifestation of the fear of being wrong. Often people are okay with being wrong, arrogant people are not, is the distinguishing difference. Arrogance can look like confidence, but really is just domination, aggression. It’s a kind of fight confidence, you’re not trying to dominate or be aggressive, or try to fight anybody. Arrogance is thinking that you’re better than somebody else. Confidence, you don’t even compare to other people. Other people have their own business, it doesn’t matter. When you’re confident you’re measuring yourself based on your own core values and your behavioral alignment with those values. Other people are irrelevant. Arrogance, you’re measuring yourself on status and dominance. And it’s always about comparison and domination and other people. Arrogance might look like fearlessness, but it’s actually a state of deep insecurity. Right? It’s a state of permanent fear. You can actually like arrogant personality disorders, things like narcissistic personality disorder, some cases of borderline where they’re actually in a such a constant state of fear that their fear reaction is their personality. Arrogance is a defense mechanism against the fear that you are actually worthless, that toxic shame that there’s something wrong with you, and that you’re less than everybody else. Arrogance is a coping mechanism for that. So that I never have to face the fear that I’m worthless. I’ll pretend that I’m worth more. Arrogance is a fragile ego identity is this thing where I must be seen as this or otherwise, my whole world collapses. But as confident as I see me, however, you want to see me I’ve got my own view of myself that I have to earn with my behavior. And if you still think I’m a duck after that, so be it be go ahead and think that because it’s not a relevant measurement, you can see evidence when an arrogant person is challenged, they often become vicious, especially if you touch their sore spot, they will try to destroy the enemy, rather than open themselves up humbly to the idea that they might be wrong, or they’ve got more to learn, or that somebody else has a better idea than what they have. So often, people worry that standing up for yourself as arrogance, but it’s only arrogance, if you refuse to back down when somebody has a better argument. Right? Standing up for yourself as confidence becomes arrogance. When you hold that position, regardless of the information you’re receiving. A confident person will say I believe this, somebody else say what about that? And you’d be like, fuck, that’s a good point. Actually, I changed my mind. Right? Arrogance is like, No, fuck you. I’m the one who’s right. It’s a completely different approach. When you argue with an arrogant person, they’ll try to take you down rather than actually win the debate on merit. Right, they will attack you personally that ad hominem attack, they won’t admit to being wrong. They never want to lose face, they would rather die on the hill that’s wrong, then admit to it. They also choose their competition wisely, they only compete where they can win. You can see this in martial arts, the arrogant person will deliberately pick the person who’s asked, they’re going to kick and choose their fights carefully. So they have an immaculate record. As a confident person will be like, who’s the toughest guy, he’s probably going to beat me because I need to learn some shit. Arrogant people lack humility and respect. Right? They have no problem, being inconsiderate towards others, and harmful to others in the way that they do things. This is more than just confidence. It’s aggression. They will actively harm people where it’s not necessary in order for the person to achieve their goals. They’re rather destroyed and cooperate. Often people with high bravery have basically the opposite of arrogant, they respect others opinions, and they’re open to having their mind changed. As long as there’s greater evidence, and it’s a better argument. People often think they’re being confident as being certain, being sure of yourself. No, it’s backing yourself but being totally open to the idea that you’re probably wrong about everything. It’s so kradic You think the only thing I know for sure is that I know nothing for sure. So I’m always open to better ideas, but they need to be better ideas. I’m not just going to accept it because you disagree with me. Prove me wrong, and then I’ll change my mind. confident people are humble about whatever lack they haven’t skills or knowledge they have no shame in admitting to the limitations, but at the same time, they’re not going to apologize for who they are. They’re not going to apologize for the natural state. A white belt in jujitsu is confident is not going to apologize for being a white belt, though this is as far as I got so far, of course, right? I mean, in the for three months, what the fuck do you think I’m going to be? They’re just going to be whatever they are. And they’ll accept their limitations, but they’re always trying to push or trying to improve themselves. Right? They’re always building. So they’re humble. They’re not afraid of growth. That’s what bravery really is, is. Yeah, I kind of suck at this. We’re going to keep working at it. I’m not gonna apologize for sucking This is the amount I’m going to be good at it. But this much practice, what did you think was gonna happen? They compete against tough opponents, they’re looking to be the small fish in the big pond rather than the other way around. They’d rather withdraw take it easy than squash a lesser opponent. Again, I like to use the jujitsu example, I see the really confident purple belts will actually moderate how hard they go against the less about to give that person a chance to learn some stuff. Whereas I say an arrogant Bluebell will just smash you and pinion not give you a chance to even breathe, because he’s more worried about winning than he is about participating in some sort of cooperative way. confident people understand respect, live in late live, as long as you don’t harm me and my loved ones, I’m going to let you do whatever it is that you need to do. I’m not going to tell you how to live, I’m not going to try and dominate you, I’ll be assertive, which means I won’t let you cross my boundaries. But I won’t be aggressive, I’m not going to cross your boundaries either. So being assertive, being brave in that way, means just holding the fort and not letting anyone harm you. Trying to control how other people that is aggression. And that’s what arrogant people do. It’s not the same as confident at all. And as I said earlier, confident people measure their behavior only against their own core values, other people’s behavior and might be an inspiration and say, Oh, that’s a good idea. I’ll try that. Or a lesson like, well, that worked out pretty badly. I’m not going to do that. But it’s not a measurement system. It’s not like I’m better than that person worse than that person, a cover. And people will have their own system of measurement of what’s good behavior, based on their life experience and their core values and their moral code. And that’s what they’re measuring against whether or not you make more money than them, they don’t give a fuck. You can’t be too brave or too confident or too shameless. Okay? Arrogance is none of those things. Confidence is not competence, okay? It’s not being good at something. You’re allowed to be humble when you’re confident. Right? You can say I don’t know. It’s actually a very confident thing to say, especially in this day and age where everybody’s a fucking expert on everything right? Say actually, I’m not an expert yet. That’s a confident thing to say, arrogant to say, I know everything. So keep working on your bravery. Keep becoming more assertive, as long as you’re not aggressive, as long as you only measuring your own core values and not trying to hurt others. As long as you consider how your behavior impacts others make adjustments where it doesn’t compromise your values. The you don’t need to worry about being an arrogant person, even if other people call you that. They have a problem with what you’re doing. revert back to your core values. Am I aligned with that? Good, okay, we can shut the fuck out. If you want help to become more confident without becoming arrogant. Get in touch dan@brojo.org And we’ll talk through some ideas

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Thanks for reading

Hope to speak to you soon

Dan Munro

 

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