Common Mindset Mistakes to Avoid During Confrontations

This is an excerpt from my new course: Healthy Boundaries in Relationships, Friendships and Work

In this video, we talk about the importance of shifting from a win-at-all-costs mindset to finding mutually beneficial solutions in confrontational situations.

I’ll stress the need for integrity, confidence, and respect, and provide strategies for handling escalating situations.

I’ll advise against picking battles based on perceived importance and instead advocate for practicing confrontation in low-stakes situations to build skills and confidence.



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Full transcript (unedited)

You’re about to watch a video. That’s an excerpt of one of my online courses free sample, if you will. If you enjoy it, please get in touch Let me know what you think. Let’s talk about some of the most common mistakes I see, when people are making confrontations and this video, we’re going to focus on the Mindset Mistakes, the psychological errors you might make, trying to win. I know I’m repeating myself here. But winning means to beat the other person where you get something and they lose something when you defeat them in some way. Not only is this needy, it’s detrimental to the relationship, and you’re missing the opportunity for the win win. So generally, you want to go into a confrontation thinking, how do we both get something out of this rather than how do I just get what I want, being attached to outcomes, a good results, validation and approval, a calm, enjoyable confrontation not needing to speak about this. Again, there’s all kinds of outcomes we hoped for. And this leads us to be needy, manipulative, that leads us to fear actually having the confrontation in the first place, because we don’t think we can get the outcome we want. Generally, it’s detrimental to your ability to set a boundary. Instead be attached to integrity, be attached to building your confidence attached to speaking boldly and honestly attached to respecting yourself attached to taking responsibility for what needs to be taken care of. And measuring yourself against these things that should be the reason for going in, be prepared to lose the outcomes in order to keep integrity, catastrophizing, blowing it up in your mind that this is going to be some huge disaster. It’s very, very rare that a confrontation gets to a point where somebody’s badly hurt. The fact is, you can actually bail out of a confrontation that’s escalating in that direction anyway, you don’t have to stay in until it turns into a disaster, you can literally run away. So rather than thinking, Oh, my God, what’s going to happen? What’s the worst way that this can possibly play out? To yourself, look, let’s see what actually happens. If it gets bad, I’ll leave and if it gets good, I’ll, you know, take that lucky win. feeling a need for them to cooperate, this is similar to being attached to outcomes or even trying to win, going in there hoping that they’re going to react well, hoping that they’re going to get along with you that they want what you want. being attached to that is obviously setting yourself up for disappointment and tragedy. Rather, it’s best to go in with a backup plan for stubborn disrespect. Go in knowing that if they don’t cooperate, you have a plan for how you’re going to respond to that you have enforcement actions you’re going to take, you have pivot actions, if they’re in control of something in your life, you’ve got a way of taking that control back. Whatever it is, we don’t actually need them to cooperate. Remember, you really never need someone to cooperate this as a story in your head, there’s always a way for you to move on independently. So idea of picking your battles, I especially do not recommend this mental approach for somebody who’s afraid of confrontation and not really well experienced or very effective at doing it. To begin with all battles are worth fighting. I don’t care how petty and small The problem is, you need practice. In fact, the smaller and more petty and unimportant it is, the easier it is to use it as a practice of it, because the stakes are very high. So Never believe your mind when it says this one’s not worth it. It’s not worth the bother with the house. So it’s not that big a deal. Don’t believe that when your mind says that say okay, well, then that’s great practice opportunity, because the stakes are low. So I better take this opportunity, assuming it’s pointless, because you know how they’re gonna react, right? Like you can simulate this perfectly in your head, and it ends badly. So there’s no point in actually going through with it in real life. This is actually more again, attachment to outcomes. You’re saying I’m not going to get the outcome I want, therefore, it’s not worth doing. But integrity is always worth doing. The outcome is not important. So if nothing else, remember, every single confrontation has the point of you respecting yourself. It does not matter if they react badly doesn’t even matter if they walk away halfway through your first sentence and refuse to listen to you. The fact that you tried to stand up for yourself is how you feel self respected. And if nothing else, your simulation is probably wrong. Even if you know someone really well, they might not react exactly how you think they’re going to. And when you don’t know someone really well, you’re almost certainly going to be wrong. Thinking silence is neutral to gay if I just keep my mouth shut. And don’t confront the person. Don’t say anything, you know, don’t agree but don’t disagree. Well, at least I’m not really taking a stand. Actually you are silent as concede. It’s condoning silence is agreement. Someone says something you don’t like and you don’t speak. It is reasonable and likely that they will perceive that as you agreeing with them. So don’t think that silence is nothing silences you pretending to agree And that’s how you should view it assuming malicious intent. That is assuming that whatever they’ve said or done that you don’t like, had the primary motivation of trying to harm you. Like, that’s all they care about. Like they’re, they wake up in the morning thinking I how do I get this guy today, here’s what I’ll do is if they don’t have anything more important to care about that same time, you don’t want to assume that they love you, and that they’re trying their best to help you. If it’s certain people who you can’t be sure that that’s the case. But I like to assume in status kind of normal human imperfection. One of us as being imperfect here, probably both, maybe I’m being too sensitive and misinterpreting things. Maybe this is not the healthiest way that they could be acting towards me, maybe both. But the likelihood that they’re sadistic psychopaths whose whole purpose in life is to ruin mind, it’s very, very unlikely possible, but very unlikely, it’s much more likely that they think they’re in the right. And then this is the best that they could come up with. And they don’t have a better way of doing this, or I’m too sensitive to behavior that’s actually quite objectively neutral. Either way, let’s find out, let’s keep an open mind that they’re not actually an evil person. If I’m proven wrong, so be it doesn’t matter if I’m proven wrong, because I’ll react to that and unhelpful way. But let’s not start by sentencing them before they’ve even had their day in court. And lastly, delaying without an extremely good reason, Fiers chief tactic to keep you from having a confrontation is to just put it off, I can do this indefinitely, can keep coming up with a new reason to put it off day after day, minute by minute if it needs to. So when your brain says now’s not the right time, you’ve got to challenge that and say, really, I can’t bring it up at all. I can’t even go on set a time with them to talk about later. I can’t flick them a text message saying hey, I need to talk to you about something. Let me know when you’ve got a minute. There’s really nothing you can do to make progress on this. Unless they’re distraught with grief, because they just received news that their whole family died in a car crash or they’re literally in the middle of surgery, and they’re unconscious right now. Odds are you probably can bring this up. Right? If it really seems like it’s not a good time, and you’re really sure you’ll bring it up later, then say that term. So look, I got something I need to talk to you about. But I can see there’s really not a good time for you. But when you’ve got a minute, hour, I’ll bring it up with you later. There are the mindset issues that get in the way, but these are the top ones that I see with my clients. And if you can tackle these which are all really just excuses not to speak your mind or not to be compassionate during a confrontation, then you’re bound to have better confrontations just from the way you think.

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Thanks for reading

Hope to speak to you soon

Dan Munro


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