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A feminist journalist triggered my Imposter Syndrome

Let’s talk about Imposter Syndrome. If this term is new to you, it basically describes the self-doubting fear that you are secretly a fraud, and that you’ll be exposed if you’re not careful, even though you’re trying your best to provide value and have no evidence to suggest that you are deceiving anyone or lacking in skill. When I first Read More

The Avalanche Threat: Fear’s sneaky trick

One of the many sneaky tricks that fear plays on us is a kind of catastrophizing that I’ve come to call The Avalanche Threat. It’s the terrifying sense that if you even take a tiny little step in a direction of change, you’ll create an Avalanche; a knock-on effect of uncontrollable consequences that you won’t be able to stop. And Read More

The weird reason why your ego holds you back

You’re going to find that life gets a lot simpler when you understand one secret truth about the brain: Its primary goal is to conserve energy. There’s nothing the brain wants more than to do less. I often help my coaching clients see that fear, for example, is not actually focused on safety. Fear often leads us to miss opportunities Read More

Acceptance is not Tolerance

I see a lot of people pleasers struggling with disrespect; putting up with bad behavior from other people simply because they understand why the bad behavior is happening. They have an tolerance for being treated poorly when they understand that the person is acting out of trauma or mental illness, or they believe the other person thinks they have a Read More

Alexithymia: How to start expressing emotions

A lot of the Nice Guys I work with suffer from alexithymia: the inability to both identify and express emotions; the inability to put feelings into words. This causes a breakdown in their ability to create intimate connections. It’s impossible to connect with other people without emotion, right? Hard as it may be to believe, connections are not created on Read More

Mother Teresa Syndrome

My first ever coach was awesome, but near the end of our 12 week program I started to get anxious. I was training with an open mind, so when he started encouraging me to use scripts and templates to entice a client to sign up to another round of coaching when their first program completed, I reluctantly gave it a Read More

A superior alternative to cancel culture

I think the real problem with ‘cancel culture’ is actually its goal, which is to try and make the world a place that is not offensive. That is simply never going to happen. It’s an impossible goal, for the simple reason that we become more fragile the more we’re protected. The more you make it that other people can’t offend Read More

Last Man Standing: The middle-aged loneliness problem

A friend of mine’s in his 40s now, and he was complaining about being the “last man standing”. He never got married or had kids, and now feels like all his friends have slowly disappeared. I don’t know if this happens for women as much, but for men we start to lose our friendships as we get older. People build Read More

Need VS Neediness: Why the difference matters

A dude emailed me the other day asking me to explain a contradiction that I’ve made. I often talk about how all emotions are okay and normal and we should experience them all, but I also say that neediness is bad and that it ruins relationships and dating and so on. It was a fair criticism, because I haven’t been Read More

Don’t always do what you’re told!

My family and I were at the park for my surprise 40th birthday party the other day, a big public park in Auckland, New Zealand. And it was the same day as the Chinese New Year Festival, so there were heaps of stalls setting up in the park for Chinese New Year. Before I got there, some official-looking people wearing Read More

Are you feeling trapped and want more freedom?

A lot of people get stressed out by the concept of Freedom. They get agitated that they can’t just do whatever they feel like doing at any time. But this is a childish and illogical definition of freedom. Just think about gravity. Think about the world economy. Think about the limits of the human body. Of course you can’t do Read More

What The Office teaches us about losing

I saw a quote from the TV show The Office. One of the characters was complaining that they had just lost something, and he was saying, “Why?! Why did we lose?” And the Dwight character says, “Look, sometimes there’s no lesson. Sometimes you just lose.” And I think this is something true about life that we kind of overlook. The Read More

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