Watch the video version above, listen on your favourite podcast platform below, or scroll down to read the written summary Soundcloud: Spotify: Apple Podcasts: Amazon Music:     The Hidden Narcissism of People Pleasers Most nice guys and people pleasers think their problem is that they’re too kind. Too generous. Too thoughtful. Too compassionate. Too selfless. But what if that’s Read More

There are just SO MANY people pleasers in the world! In this post, I’m going to help you understand why, and what we can do about it (i.e. what you can do about your own people pleasing to help change the world). Like a college scout who can spot a star basketball player from watching a single play, I’m able Read More

Keep scrolling down if you want to read the full post, otherwise you can watch the video version (above), or listen on your favourite podcast channel here: Soundcloud: Spotify: Apple Podcasts: Making Other People Happy Is Ruining Your Life Most people pleasers believe that they’re kind and generous, that they care about others, but what if I was to tell Read More

A dark truth: altruism is not possible. Altruism is the idea that one can give without wanting anything in return—no reward for yourself. I just don’t see any evidence for that. It doesn’t make sense. In fact, the only thing somebody could do without anything for themselves would be—nothing at all. There is no such thing as an unmotivated action. Read More

Let’s have a look at the story we tell ourselves when we’re being a people pleaser. At a superficial level, people pleasers justify their behavior with a story. They have good reasons why they self-sacrifice to try to make people feel happy, why they avoid and prevent conflict, and why they generally hide or suppress uncomfortable emotions—both in themselves and Read More

We cheer people up not because we want them to feel better, but because we prefer to be around happy people. We don’t consider whether happiness is actually what’s best for them right now — we just know it’s what’s best for us right now. That’s why we cheer someone up. We calm someone down when they’re angry — not Read More

Let’s say you hold back on giving someone negative feedback — because you don’t want to hurt their feelings, right? What’s the long-term cost of them not receiving that information? Let’s say they’re making a mistake. If you don’t give them feedback, are they likely to fix the mistake…or repeat it? Your silence gives them consent. By not saying anything, Read More

In my mind, I was the fucking hero. I was the good guy. I didn’t feel like I was being manipulative — it wasn’t some conscious plan I was following. The story in my head was: “I’m the good guy in the story. I’m the fucking hero. I’m noble. I’m doing what everyone should do.” My mind constantly told me Read More

You might think your motives are clean — that being a people-pleaser helps and improves the lives of others. You may believe that you’re having a positive impact on people by being nice. But… are you sure about that? Let’s say that you think that because somebody has a positive short-term reaction to you — like laughing, feeling relieved, or Read More

If you really cared about other people you would let them process their emotions. You’d let them make decisions in their life without trying to control them. You’d let someone else be the helpful one, or the kind one, or the funny one. You’d let other people share in the glory. You’d also let them hate you, if that’s how Read More

The people you’ve kept in your little people-pleasing world—where you’re constantly serving them and trying to keep them feeling good all the time—they don’t develop at all, do they? If anything, they become weaker and more dependent on you over time. But of course, that’s the point. This is why I say that people-pleasing is like Munchausen by proxy. The Read More

My friend sent me a video the other day of this guy—he’s an aviation expert who looks at plane crashes and gives commentary on them. He noticed that in some cultures, there are quite often plane crashes because the less senior members of the flight team are too scared to disagree with or speak up to the more senior members. Read More