In this video we address the concept of caretaking, highlighting how unsolicited help can be harmful and self-serving.

We will outlines criteria for healthy help: obtaining permission, enabling self-help, prioritizing the other person’s success, and ensuring one’s own well-being.

Conversely, we’ll tackle how caretaking involves controlling others under the guise of kindness, often driven by personal needs for emotional comfort and enhanced reputation.

I identify 11 signs of caretaking, such as offering help without permission and resenting lack of gratitude, and emphasize the importance of allowing others to face and resolve their own challenges for their long-term growth and self-reliance.

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Full Transcript (unedited)

This video, which may be uncomfortable for some of you, we’re going to challenge just how helpful and caring you really are by having a look at the concept of caretaking and fixing in the nice guy syndrome universe. So people with nice guy syndrome, or people pleasing syndrome, or Sophia trophy, as it’s sometimes called, pride themselves on how helpful and caring and kind and compassionate they are to the point of actually being quite upset when they’re not rewarded for this or appreciated for it, where they don’t get a thank you or somebody doesn’t acknowledge all this kindness and love that they’re giving to the world, by far, one of the most painful insights I’ve ever had in my entire life was the realization that all this helpfulness, all this helping and caring that I was giving to the world was quite often hurting people more than it helped them, and that It was coming from an entirely selfish, albeit subconscious motivation, that I wasn’t really doing it to help other people. That’s just the story I told myself. In reality, I was doing it for myself. Now, of course, it is possible to be kind and caring and compassionate in a healthy way, and let’s start by having a look at that. Let’s have a look at some of the criteria that defines whether your help is healthy or selfish and narcissistic. Number one, the person has directly asked for your help or assistance. So this is not unsolicited. The hallmark of nice guy caring is that it’s unsolicited. We force it on other people, or we assume, based on indirect evidence, that they really want us to do this, but really healthy help comes from a place of permission. They’ve actually asked us for this. Number two, you aim to enable the other person to help themselves as much as possible, that your assistant that your assistance is the minimum needed to give them that little boost they need to do the rest of the work themselves. So you’re not taking over for them. You’re more encouraging them to take care of themselves. Number three, you do what’s best for them and their long term quality of life, rather than what makes you feel good or what makes you look good to others, your priority is the other person’s success, not your reputation, not your emotional state. In fact, you’ll know you’re doing it right when you get no recognition and it doesn’t feel particularly good. That’s altruism number four, they really cannot solve this problem without outside support. They are, without doubt, at the limit of their capability or knowledge that if left alone, they would not make an inch of progress without you. And number five, and this is a key one, you do not sacrifice your own well being in order to help them. That you’ve got your oxygen mask put on and that you’re breathing right before you start helping others with their mask. So when you’re helping people and you have their overt permission, you’re enabling them to solve the problem themselves, coaching rather than doing it for them. You’re doing what’s best for them rather than what feels good and makes you look good. You’ve absolutely made certain that they cannot do this any further on their own, that they’ve reached the limit of their capacity, and you’ve taken care of your own basic needs first, then, okay, you are a healthy, helpful person. But let’s have a look at when this criteria is not met, the word will give for help that isn’t healthy is caretaking, in other words, taking the care of someone else rather than letting them do it for themselves, or just gently guiding. Caretaking is the term we’ll use for controlling somebody else under the guise of being helpful, pretending to be kind and compassionate, as a manipulation to control them for your own convenience, your own emotional comfort, your own reputation and Sure, sometimes there’s a bit of both, like they do actually benefit, or at least in the short term, seem to benefit from your help, but secretly, the primary motivation is your own reward. What looks like good intentions is a secret desire for control and obsession with order, insistence on emotional safety and deep inner shame that you’re projecting onto others. Here are 11 key signs that you’re caretaking rather than helping in a healthy way. Number one, you did not ask permission or get an overt request for your help. You offered or simply insisted because you were uncomfortable with witnessing the other person that you felt that they were struggling, that you felt that they couldn’t do it on their own. For example, somebody complains about their boss, and you just start giving them unsolicited advice about how to confront the boss, simply because they were complaining and the complaining made you uncomfortable. Number two, you anticipated them potentially having a problem, and. Tried to solve it before any real evidence emerged that they were struggling or needed your help. For example, anxiously offering someone a drink on a hot day because you’re worried that they’re going to get dehydrated, even though they haven’t actually shown any signs of thirst or struggle in any way with the heat. Number three, you don’t even give them a choice in the matter. You help them without their permission. You help them without even giving them a chance to resist it. For example, sneaking away at a restaurant and paying the bill while nobody’s looking. Number four, you clearly don’t trust them to take care of themselves and provide for their own needs, and you kind of disrespect them. Look down on them like they’re a child. For example, bringing sunscreen for somebody because you think they’re going to forget it for themselves. Number five, you disrespect and know, like, you ask someone, would you like a drink? They’re like, No, I’m fine. Really, I can get you a coke. It’s no problem. No, really, I’m good. No, it’s no problem. I’m up anyway, I’ll grab you something. Number six, this is a big one. You resent being unappreciated for your help, for you if you don’t get a thank you and some sort of sign of overt gratitude from the person, you feel like they’ve done harm to you, like they’re a bad person. This will often lead you to not giving help where you know it won’t be appreciated. For example, you might not give a homeless person money because you think they’re just going to waste it, or that they won’t actually be grateful. Number seven, self sacrifice, you put their needs above your own, and you expect to be recognized for the sacrifice and respected for it and appreciated for it. For example, changing your plans to give somebody a ride to the airport when they could actually easily afford a taxi. Number eight, your motive is actually to change their emotional state to one that you feel more comfortable with, for example, trying to cheer someone up when they’re sad, or trying to calm someone down when they’re angry, even though these are perfectly natural human emotions. Number nine, you do what gets praised and appreciated rather than what actually works. For example, somebody comes to you with their relationship problems, and you sympathize with them and condone their behavior and give them a pat on the back, so that they think you’re a supportive person, when really you should be confronting them about the repeated mistakes they’re making. Number 10, assuming somebody else has a problem simply because you have shame around that topic, for example, trying to get your single friend and force them on a blind date, simply because you think it’s shameful to be single, they might not actually have a problem with it. And number 11, doing it for them rather than getting them to do it themselves. For example, somebody struggling with money, and you design a whole budget for them rather than referring them to a budgeting course. Caretaking hurts people more than it helps. Sure, I know it gets an instant reward, and I know in the short term, it looks like you’ve helped the person because their problem is resolved, or their emotions become more convenient and pleasant for you to be around. But look at the long term, when you caretake, you disable somebody’s problem solving capabilities. You create a codependent relationship where they become unsure of themselves because they’re not put in a position where they have to deal with shit and they now need to depend on you. That is not good for their long term future. You’ve essentially gaslighted them into believing that they need your help, whereas if you just stayed the fuck out of it in the first place, they would have been forced to resolve it on their own and would have proved to themselves that they can. You’re enabling victimhood and irresponsibility. You’re condoning them to believe this idea that people will just swoop in and save them and they don’t have to deal with shit themselves. That belief is not going to serve them well in the future. And also, you provoke people into becoming ashamed of perfectly normal and natural things like grief or struggle or frustration or being new at something and confused, you make them feel like they’re wrong and that they need to move through that process quicker, just to suit your discomfort when actually you’re the one who has shame, and you should not be passing that on to others things like difficult emotions and Relationship struggles and figuring out something new, are healthy challenges for every human to go through. You do not need to intervene. You do not need to speed up these processes. These processes are life. Leave them the fuck alone. You’re not helping. You’re hurting. Here’s a little mental experiment you can do. It’s actually a physical experiment in real life. Imagine that people don’t actually need your help, even if it appears that they do. Entertain the idea that over hundreds of 1000s of years of evolution, the human brain has become a master problem solver, and that actually it can do most of what it needs to do all on its own. Try assuming that trial and error experimentation getting things wrong until you figure it out is actually the best way to learn, and that if somebody intervenes and helps you figure it out earlier, you don’t get as much wisdom out of it. And that maybe, just maybe, letting people struggle emotionally is what’s best for them in the long term. I’m not saying. Being callous and leaving them to die and suffer miserably. But most of the time, you’re intervening when the sufferings barely started, and ask yourself this powerful question, just try to answer it honestly. No one’s watching. It’s just you by yourself. If I wasn’t interested in controlling people or dictating how others should live or avoiding uncomfortable emotions, or trying to be seen as a good person by others, or judging people as too weak to handle life without me. How much would I actually help people? The answer fuck all, and that’s what’s best for them.

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Thanks for reading

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Dan Munro