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Can a Connection Be One-Sided?
Ask Dan Anything – with thanks to Peter for the question
Peter asked me a deceptively simple question:
“Can a connection be one-sided? For example, if I feel attracted to someone but they’re not attracted to me, is that one-sided?
If I feel a deep connection to someone, does that mean they feel it too?”
This is the kind of question that looks straightforward but runs surprisingly deep.
The short answer is yes, it can feel one-sided – but probably not in the way you think.
It’s Rarely a Real “One-Sided” Connection
When we say a connection feels one-sided, we usually mean something like:
“I like them more than they like me.”
“I pay them more attention than they pay me.”
“I’m more honest and open than they are.”
That’s what we call one-sided. But I’d argue there’s no such thing as a genuinely one-sided connection.
What’s actually happening is this:
You’re not connecting to the real person at all. You’re connecting to a fantasy version of them that exists in your head.
The Trap of the Fantasy Person
Every relationship involves some degree of projection.
We don’t truly know another person. We never can.
Our brains receive signals—words, expressions, gestures—and translate them into a mental picture.
That picture is an interpretation, not reality itself.
So when you feel an intense pull toward someone who barely knows you, or doesn’t return the feeling, odds are you’re drawn to your own imagined version of them.
That’s especially obvious in the early stages of a crush.
Most crushes are built on very limited real data. We fill in the blanks with hopes, ideals, and wishful thinking. We create an image of them that seems magical—perfectly matched, irresistibly special.
But that image isn’t them. It’s a fantasy you’ve been carrying since childhood:
the imagined person who will cure your insecurity, fill your void, or make everything finally “click.”
Everyone’s Just Human
In my experience—coaching men from all walks of life and having some extraordinary conversations—I’ve seen this truth over and over:
No one is truly more special than anyone else.
I’ve spoken with people society praises—famous, wealthy, successful—and people society despises—criminals, even murderers and pedophiles.
When you really look closely, all of them are just human: a unique mix of gifts and flaws, strengths and weaknesses.
So whenever I catch myself feeling that someone is “extra-special,” I know I’ve become attached to my own picture of them, not their actual self.
I’m not connecting to them. I’m connecting to my fantasy of them.
Connection Is an Inside Job
Here’s the key insight:
Connection happens inside you.
It’s not something another person can grant or deny.
It’s a felt sense of being present, real, and part of the moment.
Other people can provide the space or stimulus for that sense of connection, but the actual experience is generated by you.
I think of connection as a cycle of giving and receiving honesty and respect.
You give honesty: sharing your real thoughts, feelings, and intentions.
You receive by creating a respectful, spacious atmosphere for the other person’s honesty.
People are a fantastic environment for practicing this because they can respond.
A sunset won’t receive you. But a human being can.
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You’re Always Part of the World
Many people describe feeling “disconnected” or “isolated.”
But in reality, you can’t be separate from the world.
You’re made of it; you exist within it.
What you can do is lose contact with reality—by becoming absorbed in fantasy, expectation, or obsession.
That’s what creates the feeling of isolation.
When someone withdraws or rejects you, it can feel as if you’ve lost connection with them.
But what you’ve really lost is connection with yourself—with the present, living moment.
You’ve become fixated on your imagined story of them and pulled away from the truth right in front of you.
The Closer to Truth, the Deeper the Connection
The sense of connection grows the closer we come to reality.
When we align ourselves with truth—seeing, hearing, and feeling things as they are—connection strengthens.
When we drift into fantasies, expectations, hopes, and daydreams, we feel isolated.
So whenever a connection feels “one-sided,” it’s usually a sign that you’re losing touch with reality.
You’re chasing your mental image of the person rather than experiencing the person who’s actually there.
Socializing as a Dojo for Connection
Think of social interaction as a kind of dojo—a training ground for connection.
When I go on a date, my goal isn’t to “connect to her” as if she’s a fixed object.
Instead, I use the interaction as a place to practice giving honesty and receiving hers.
I offer my truth.
I notice and accept her reaction, whatever it is.
I create a space for her to express herself honestly.
Then we go again.
We’re not connecting to each other as static entities.
We’re practicing the skill of connecting—of being present and authentic.
She could leave after the date and never want to see me again.
That doesn’t mean I failed to connect.
The connection was in the honesty of the exchange itself.
Like a Gym Buddy
I often compare this to having a gym buddy.
Your buddy doesn’t build your muscles for you.
He simply provides an environment that helps you do the work.
People are like that for connection.
They give us something to respond to, a space in which we can practice honesty and presence.
You don’t lose connection because they don’t like you back.
You lose connection when you leave reality—when you get caught up in trying to make them respond a certain way.
Receiving Rejection as Proof of Belonging
Here’s a counter-intuitive insight:
Even rejection is a form of connection.
If someone rolls their eyes, frowns, disagrees, or even walks out of your workshop—that’s a reaction to you.
It proves you exist and you’re part of this shared reality.
If you can receive that reaction as it is—without demanding that it be pleasant—you’re still connected.
You’re still present in the real moment.
When I first started running workshops, I felt connected only if everyone seemed to like me.
If people looked confused, frowned, or left, I felt rejected and cut off.
Today, I just let myself experience whatever reaction comes.
I stay honest about it and present with it.
And that’s what sustains my sense of connection.
Connection Means Proving to Yourself That You Exist
Ultimately, that’s what connection is about:
proving to yourself that you exist and belong to this bigger thing.
When you’re willing to express yourself honestly in response to whatever life throws at you—approval or rejection—you feel real.
You feel part of the living world.
That’s why connection isn’t dependent on people liking you.
Even their dislike is evidence that you’re here, that you matter enough to trigger a response.
A Practical Guideline for Building Connection
So here’s how you can apply this in everyday life:
Lead with honesty.
Say what’s real for you—your thoughts, feelings, intentions.Receive their response without trying to change it.
Whatever they give back—approval, curiosity, discomfort, rejection—let it land. Don’t argue with it.Create a space for their honesty.
Show gratitude by making them feel safe to be authentic too.Treat each interaction as practice.
See people as training partners for connection, not as providers of connection.
When you practice this way, you realize you can connect anywhere, with anyone.
You don’t need people to stick around.
You don’t need them to like you.
You don’t need them to reciprocate your feelings.
Even their rejection or indifference becomes part of the shared experience.
Final Thoughts: The End of One-Sidedness
So, can a connection be one-sided?
Only in the sense that you’ve lost touch with reality and fallen in love with your own fantasy.
The moment you return to the present—honestly giving and receiving—you’re connected, regardless of how the other person responds.
Connection is an inside job.
Other people are just the gym equipment you use to strengthen that skill.
Thanks to Peter for raising the question.
I hope this perspective helps you see connection not as something to win or lose, but as something you can practice, right now, wherever you are.
Get free access to my Nice Guy Recovery & Confidence Building course (worth $130) and connect with like-minded men when you join Brojo here… all for free!
https://www.skool.com/brojo-the-integrity-army-6491/about