Building Self-Respect: The Foundation of Healthy Boundaries

This is an excerpt from my new course: Healthy Boundaries in Relationships, Friendships and Work

In this video, we explore the importance of self-respect in setting and maintaining healthy boundaries.

People can only respect you as much as you respect yourself, and that lack of assertiveness can lead to others taking advantage of your space without your consent.

This video highlights the significance of communicating and enforcing one’s boundaries clearly, as silence is consent, and people will assume you’re okay with what they’re doing if you don’t speak up.

By setting and enforcing boundaries, you empower yourself to build meaningful connections based on mutual respect.



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Full transcript (unedited)

You’re about to watch a video. That’s an excerpt of one of my online courses, free sample, if you will, if you enjoy it, please get in touch, let me know what you think. The foundation of healthy boundaries is self respect. And so I’ve got a kind of parallel game going in this course where you build self respect, in order to be able to set boundaries, you set boundaries to build self respect, Being assertive is going to make you respect yourself more, which is going to make other people respect you more, and so on, and you just get stronger and stronger. What I’ve found in my study of psychology for more than 20 years now, is that people can only really respect you about as much as you respect yourself all this, only the kindest people will try to respect you more than you respect yourself. And these people are quite rare. And sometimes they’re actually quite psychologically disordered. They’re people pleasers and fixers, and they’re actually controlling you with kindness. People aren’t inherently evil, they’re not out to get you. But people are kind of dominant, and they will fill any unoccupied space. So if you don’t see a line, then there is no line. So they will walk across it without even knowing it exists. It’s like if you leave your front door open, people will just come into your house, it doesn’t mean that they’re bad people, it’s just people tend to go through open doors. So if you don’t have strong boundaries, people aren’t going to guess what your preferences are, they aren’t going to guess what you think being respected means they’re just going to carry on with their lives and bulldoze through you. You can think of the metaphor of getting onto a bus and there’s one spare seat available, and you’re too hesitant to take it, or whoever’s less hesitant, will sit in that seat. It doesn’t mean that they’re necessarily deliberately disrespecting you, it’s you made that space available. And they took it because they’re more assertive than newer. So if you’re not assertive, if you don’t stand up for yourself, if you don’t take what’s yours and protect what’s yours, somebody else will take it, not because they hate you. But because you made it available. One key element that we’ll repeat over and over throughout this course, is that nobody knows what your boundaries are until you state them and enforce them. You cannot have a covert contract with people where you expect them to guess what you want, in what you prefer and what you need. Expect them to just know because that’s what people should know. We’re going to let go of that from now on, if you didn’t say it doesn’t exist. Silence is consent. If you don’t speak up, people are going to assume you’re okay with whatever it is that they’re doing. And they’re right to assume that because people all have different boundaries and different preferences, so you can’t expect them to think like you. That’s a key fallacy in human psychology. If you don’t disapprove, they will assume that you approve, they’re not going to guess that you’re having problems with this just because your face is a bit sullen, and you’re having a bit of a sulk. So a new role moving forward is if you haven’t seen it, then you’ve agreed to it. Right? If you haven’t stood up for yourself, then whatever they’re doing is okay. Because you have not in any way made it clear that it’s not okay. So disrespecting yourself is about staying silent when you should speak up. It’s about tolerating poor treatment from others. It’s about pretending and lying, hiding the way you feel about things, keeping your opinions to yourself, pretending you don’t have preferences and letting other people get what they want. When you actually feel strongly about something. It’s about compromising your principles or not even knowing what they are. Do you have a list of your core values? If not, then how are you supposed to live by them? It’s about treating yourself poorly. You might think it’s not so bad to be, you know, a bit overweight or a bit unfit or a bit unkempt. But if that means that you’re actually treating your body badly, then how are other people supposed to treat you? Well, when you’ve set the standard? It’s about using coping mechanisms rather than responding in a healthy way. People see you like, relying on crutches like drugs and alcohol and food and porn and gambling. How are they supposed to respect you when you won’t even deal with life? Head on unhealthy? Now, of course, none of us are perfect. But the higher your level of self respect, the more respect you’ll get from others, especially because in this course, we’re going to talk about setting and enforcing boundaries. So we’re not actually going to give people a choice. They will have to respect you, or face the consequences. We’re going to learn how to create a life where people are unable to disrespect you, at least unable to do it more than once. Because the way you run respond will actually cut off their ability to do it to the best of your ability, at least, like I said, we’re not going to be controlling others. But we are going to be having a big influence on how much they can control us. So one way to kind of think about it as they can throw you in prison, but they can’t make you go willingly, you will always have some ability to resist disrespectful behavior. And we’re going to make sure that that is overt, that everybody knows when you feel disrespected. And everybody knows what they could do instead, if they want to be respectful, and everybody knows that you will follow through with enforcement action if they continue to be disrespectful. And that will give you the best possible chance of not only being respected by others, but respecting yourself.

How you can make massive progress in just a few months!

You can do all this on your own.

Through trial and error, books, courses and online content, you can figure it out slowly piece by piece over time if you dedicate yourself to it and are willing to fail often and get uncomfortable in order to achieve social mastery and build strong self confidence.


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Thanks for reading

Hope to speak to you soon

Dan Munro

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