Introducing the Green Pill approach to dating and relationships
In this podcast episode we’ll discuss about what I’m going to call the “Green Pill” approach to dating and relationships (as opposed to red pill or blue pill ideologies). I’ve named it that because green seems the right colour to signify integrity, growth, and nature / being natural.
So with the Green Pill approach to dating you actually lose the word “dating” altogether because it’s too needy and full of desperation and transactional. It’s a complete paradigm shift away from getting something from other people. Instead, you focus on socializing with integrity. The primary purpose is to impress yourself with valued living. No more seduction techniques, hiding behind texting, sliding into DMs, online dating apps, setting up dates, or going to bars and clubs.
Instead you fill your week with hobbies and activities that fulfil you. You turn everything you love into a social event, and you focus primarily on being as honest and brave and transparent as you can be in those situations, even if it costs you the love of everyone in the room. Rather than trying to “get” people and fit in or make them like you, you take the risk of losing everyone in order to be true to yourself. But at the same time, you don’t sabotage potential connections with avoidant tactics or contrarian disagreeableness. You employ powerful honesty principles to attract the right kind of people and repel the wrong kind, all while primarily focusing on engaging in activities you enjoy.
If the honesty is loved, respected and reciprocated by someone you also like, then you invite them to join you in your life (but you don’t create new events just for them). You keep doing that until you’re only surrounded by the best fit possible people, and of course, your shameless honesty will naturally escalate things romantically as well. ————-
This Green Pill approach is broken down in great detail in my Building Rapport course – you can access this and all my other courses with a free 7 day trial to my paid subscription – DM or email me email@example.com for access
All right, welcome back to the Brojo online podcast. So at the special request of some brojo members, I’ve decided to do an indepth podcast on modern dating, try to provide an alternative to what most of you have been doing and clearly not been successful with. So we’re going to talk about the integrity based approach to finding a partner, which may be a complete paradigm shift for some of you because we’re going to completely abolish all the rules and expectations that most people have about dating. And we’re going to talk about a just a completely new approach, even in mindset, in definitions, to this whole idea of finding somebody to connect with.
So this is for anyone who struggles with dating, struggles with finding a partner, it is going to be focused on men and women, you know, they’re just kind of my audience. So I’ll be talking about men and the struggles they face in trying to attract a woman. But the principles we talked about really do apply to anyone. And in fact, go far beyond dating. They’re really social, or socializing principles. And so while I might use examples that seem to be specific to a certain type of person, this is really for everyone.
So when I say you’re struggling, I mean that you’ve tried everything, you’ve tried the dating apps, you’ve tried hooking up with people from work, maybe you’ve gone to bars and clubs and all the places you’re expected to go to meet people and tried to hook up there, and sliding into girls’ DMS, maybe just sitting around waiting for someone, or just hooking up with the same group of friends that you’ve had this whole time. Whatever it is, and it just doesn’t work. In by “doesn’t work” I mean you can’t get off the ground, you can’t even get a date, or can’t make things move forward into any form of relationship. Or you might even be a serial monogamist, you might have a series of relationships, but they always seem to be disastrous, you seem to be repeating yourself.
You know, a lot of the guys I work with, they have this repetition, they have this pattern. Every relationship they get into is a disaster. And it seems like they attract toxic women with such consistency that many of them move into the red pill ideology where they think all women are toxic, because all the women they have contact with seem to be. And that can just be from the bad experience of like never being able to get a relationship off the ground, like it only lasts a few weeks and then the girl loses interest and dumps you for someone else, which is what I used to go through. It used to be my pattern. All the way through to actually having long term relationships with really abusive partners, even to the extremity of getting divorced-raped and losing contact with your kids. And finding out you’re in a relationship with someone who’s got a severe personality disorder, and so on. And it’s very easy to get disheartened and disillusioned and bitter and resentful, even hateful, if you’re repeatedly having this experience in what you call dating and relationships.
And so today, I want to help open your eyes to why this is happening, why it doesn’t need to keep happening, and why it doesn’t happen for everybody.
The first thing I want to put out there is the word “dating” is part of the problem. We don’t use the word dating when we’re talking about making new friends or building a social circle or forming great personal connections that have no label Dating’s very specific. It’s about romance and sex, trying to get a relationship off the ground, or at least just getting laid on a regular basis. It has a fixation on the type of people that you’re attracted to and no one else. Nobody else is involved when it comes to dating.
So inherent in the word dating is neediness, desperation, chasing, manipulation. The word is fucked. And so I want to encourage you to move forward without using that word. You will no longer be dating. Dating is no longer a practice. You’re going to be meeting people and having romantic experiences and building relationships but you will not be dating. If you can just get that in your head that dating doesn’t exist for you anymore, and that the concept of dating is the problem itself, that it is a self fulfilling negative prophecy, that will be the main shift you need to make.
So the new approach so we’re talking about today removes the concept of dating all together and replaces it with a focus on connection, integrity, building healthy relationships of all kinds, to form a great inner circle, a great social circle around you, that gives you meaning and fulfillment that you have, you know, the ability to connect with people to protect them, they’ll protect you, that kind of loyalty, Navy SEALs team feeling, and that none of these people have particular labels. You don’t need to call them friends or lovers or partners or anything like that, they’re just your people. It’s a completely different approach to what most people think of as dating. And that’s what you got to get your head around, you’re no longer dating, you’re building a social circle. And that’s still not even the primary focus.
The primary focus is living with integrity in the social context. So when you’re interacting with other people, you are much more focused on you aligning with your own core values than on making them like you and finding a friend and finding a partner. There’s nothing wrong with wanting these things. Partly because you can’t not want them, you can’t turn it off. But you’re going to notice that wanting it is actually part of the problem. And so you’re going to take countermeasures to make sure that even if you want it, that doesn’t become neediness, and that doesn’t get in the way of you living by your values and therefore creating deep and meaningful connections with the right people.
So you’ve heard of red pill, which is the kind of more misogynistic, women are against us, view of the world, which I’ll talk about in a minute. And they often use the term blue pill to talk about the nice guys and the people pleasers and the suckers who are still in the matrix and so on.
I would call this green pill, just a different name. Green because the word integrity sounds green to me, in green is vitality, its life, its growth, its nature. And so I’m going to say we’re going to try and green pill you now, which is we’re going to try the one approach that you’ve never tried. The approach where trying to make people like you and trying to get basic needs met by other people is replaced with social integrity. Green, not red, not blue.
So the focus of this podcast will mostly be mindset, because mindset is actually most of the problem. You will have some practical issues with your communication style, or how you meet people. And we will discuss that. There will be practical discussion at the end of this podcast. But most people, when they’re looking for dating advice, they’re looking for the How to, or what do I say, Where do I go? What’s the best move in this situation? And they think that the how to problem is the problem. And that thinking is the problem. And this is what gets guys into the old pickup artists, the thing is technique! That’s my problem, techniques. And they don’t go, Hey, how come all pick up artist gurus are still single? That doesn’t matter. It’s just techniques. Right?
What we’re gonna be talking about is actually you go out there with such a philosophical view that technique doesn’t matter, that you won’t need to try, you won’t need to adjust. Other than overcoming perhaps some basic errors you make in connecting with people, which actually come from your neediness and come from your insecurities and wouldn’t happen if you’re with your best friend.
You know, one of the best ways I can kind of put this is, however it is you talk with people that you’re the most safe with, and most confident around and have the deepest connection with, people you don’t worry about and you just be yourself with them, we’re talking about how to be like that with everyone all the time. So it’s not really a technique thing. It’s more like the removal of techniques or the different stuff you do with other people because you don’t feel safe, or you’re trying to get something, how you’d be if you didn’t have all of that and you’re just you’re totally transparent.
There are two books I’d recommend right out of the gate, Mark Manson’s Models. Quite an old book now, maybe 20 years old, but still absolutely valid and probably the closest to what we’ll be talking about today, where he talks about dating through honesty. Now he still has a focus on getting the girl, which is different to what are we talking about today, but other than that, it’s pretty much bang on. And the other one would be Dating Essentials for Men by Robert Glover, the Mr. Nice Guy author. Those two books, probably out of all the many hundreds, maybe dozens of books I’ve read on relationships and dating, those two are the healthiest for the kind of guys I’m talking to today. Right? If you can embody what they’ve got going on in those books, you’ll be doing pretty well with women. And you won’t even be trying to.
I’m gonna steel-man the red pill perspective, because the red pill perspective is really that of any man who’s bitter with the way dating and relationships has been going for him in his life, whether he’s part of the red pill community or not, whether he reads the literature or not. That literature, that community, that ideology, is really a manifestation of the bitterness and resentment a group of men have about how life with women has gone for them.
So at the heart of red pill theory is this idea of the feminization of the West. A conspiracy theory essentially, that men are now the victims and women are the oppressors but that society portrays the opposite message in order to continue this, that this is represented by the way that men kind of finish last in dating, where all the power is in the hands of the women. There are literally laws that discriminate against men. And this is true in certain countries, custody laws, divorce laws, where it’s worse to be a man going through that situation legally than it is to be a woman. And basically a mess of, a boatload, millions and millions of posts and comments and articles of anecdotal experience from men suffering at the hands of women. And that is really the main basis for the theory.
There’s a skewed take on evolutionary psychology, leading to hypergamy theory. This idea that women are completely transactional, and they’re just looking to upgrade for the next best deal as soon as they can. This idea that humans are really just about procreation, that we’re just machines, and we don’t actually have complex, nuanced relationships with each other. And that, you know, a woman can’t be loyal, she’s only she’s only as loyal as her options, and therefore, men should only be as loyal as their options. And it’s all about sex and looks and everything like that. But of course, it’s nonsense, and goes against all the data when you go to science.
Essentially there’s a community silo effect. So all the red pill guys discuss these ideas with each other, they absolutely abhor outside views, to the point where they will actually oust and bully their own members for having dissenting views. And there’s plenty of stories you can find about that. To the point where they’re actually engaging in cult practices, you know, they worship the leaders of their community. They’re religious about the views rather than scientific. They’re nasty and vicious towards people they perceived to be in any way disagreeing with them, and so on. They tick a lot of the boxes at least.
There are other kind of subgroups, like men going their own way, MGTOW, who believe that in order for a man to remain sovereign and powerful, he must simply disconnect from women. You know, you can use them for sex but that’s all. No kinds of relationships, you can’t connect with them. And of course, running away from dating and relationships means you have the same result as having no good experiences in dating and relationships: you’re alone.
And I think all of this really stems from a worship of the alpha male concept, which is a misunderstanding of studies that were done on chimpanzees. They basically worship the James Bond type. You know, the guy who just they’d call him a sigma male, maybe the alpha male, is the guy who dominates, he’s promiscuous, he’s powerful. He doesn’t give a fuck what anyone thinks so on and so forth.
And this is nothing new. My dad’s generation worshipped James Bond. You know, James Bond has always been the guys’ ideal of the perfect man. And as I always say to my coaching clients, after having studied psychopathy for nearly 20 years, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that James Bond is a high functioning psychopath. Every character, every book, every movie, he’s a high functioning psychopath. He has no conscience. He’s violent. He uses woman for sex, but has no real intimate connection with them, is incapable of that. He moves on quickly from grief and disaster. He has no problem murdering people. All he cares about his ambition and the mission. He’s completely transactional in everything he does. He’s manipulative, devious. Has a grandiose sense of self. I mean, he’s a picture perfect psychopath. And that’s who you’re worshipping.
And I think the reason that the red pill guys worship psychopaths – I mean, the recent latest one is the Patrick Bates character from American Psycho, you know, he’s literally a serial killer and they still say he’s the good guy, you know – it’s this idea of the guy who doesn’t feel pain. No woman can hurt this guy. He gets all their needs met, all the kind of surface level materialistic needs meet, money and sex and everything, popularity maybe, but without any of the emotional cost. There’s no hurt feelings, no worries about a rejection, never gets anxiety, never gets erectile dysfunction, and he doesn’t have any real human suffering. He’s just this machine that gets the job done.
And I get the appeal. I get the appeal of that after you’ve been hurt so many times, you just want to be numb to the pain, you want to have all the good stuff and none of the bad stuff, I get the appeal. However, I cannot, of course, support something that’s clearly not going to work for you. It’s just impossible, unless you actually are a psychopath. And even they end up dissatisfied in their relationships and the connections because they die alone too because eventually the whole act falls apart.
You can find a video by the guy who did the original alpha male chimp study, the one who coined the term alpha male, and he’ll say you know that basically “I don’t know where they got their ideas from”. But an alpha male in a chimp society is actually a very nurturing, fathering, parental type role. He takes care of everyone, he puts his own needs second, he’s loved, they’re loyal to him, not because he’s vicious but because he makes them safe and keeps them safe. So the idea that alpha male is a douchey Chad from the gym, you know, that’s a beta male in the chimp society. And actually, in the chimp society, all female chimps are going to beat that guy up if he tries to take over because they want the good male in the lead, so don’t know where they get alpha male from, but it’s certainly not from science.
I’ve studied red pill and red pill guys who I’ve worked with for many years, and I’ve come up with my own theory, I guess you call it The Cluster Effect.
We get this idea that because we’ve had a vast range of experiences, dated lots of women, perhaps, or just talked to lots of women, that we’ve seen a good scope of society. You can see this on the red pill type podcasts, like that Just Pearly Things and stuff. “All women are this and all woman are that, because six women in my life are like that they’re all the same, and seven woman in his life and two in his life, I mean, all women are the same.” Which is really at the heart of the red pill misogyny. So what’s the point of looking for an exception because they’re the same?
But the cluster effect is this idea that you don’t actually get a representative sample in your life of all the people that are out there, you get a cluster, a niche of very similar people that you attract, and are attracted to. You don’t get a random sample at all.
If, for example, I have a anxious attachment style, I’m generally going to find avoidant attachment people most attractive, and they’re going to be attracted to me because I do all the work and they can just keep running and they enjoy the thrill of being chased without actually getting intimate. So I’m going to get hurt repeatedly in relationships, as I love people more than they love me back. Now all the secure attachment people are going to avoid me like the fucking plague because I’m so needy and suffocating. So I never meet them, I never have a relationship with them. I have no idea what that’s like, I only know what it’s like to chase an avoidant.
Or if I’m bringing particular wounds from childhood, as I believe every single red pill enthusiast is, that are unhealed, I’m going to repeat myself.
There’s a thing called a repetition compulsion, which is if you had harmful relationships when you were a child, you keep seeking them out as an adult to try and close the loop, to try and get one of them to go right. Like you’ve got the song stuck in your head and you’re trying to remember what the last verses is, so you keep re-listening to the song over and over trying to finish it. And repetition compulsion is a term I’ve only learned recently, but a concept I’ve known about my whole life really, is we will just keep harming ourselves over and over again, we will repeat the same friends, we will repeat the same relationships with the same types of people, hoping for a better outcome.
You know, the old Einstein’s definition of insanity thing, you know, this idea that like this time, the crazy ecstasy addicted girl at the club will be the one, right? The last five broke my heart and stole my money, but this one, this one’s gonna be the one! You’ve invested so much. It’s kind of a sunk cost fallacy really, invested so much in a certain type of person that you’re just trying to make it work to justify how much time you’ve invested, because you think that time has been valuable.
So the combination of the cluster effect and the repetition compulsion, I guess they are one and the same thing, is that your red pill guy has had a tiny niche of toxic people in his life since the beginning. And it’s all he knows. He’s a fish in water. He thinks that’s what people are. He doesn’t know what kind, generous, confident people are like, he’s never been around them. He’s never been friends with them. He’s never had them as a mentor. He’s never made love to one of them. He’s never had them as a partner. They certainly weren’t his parents or his close family members.
Or maybe he’s had a couple. And that’s I guess, who I’ve been mostly talking to. And this is how people got through to me is I had a couple of good friends and I been with a girl or two that showed promise of being healthy, and so there was like a cut in the fabric of reality. There was a light shining through from the other side, like hey, maybe there’s other type of people out there but I just can’t seem to find them, you know, but I do believe they exist. Because I know for some red pill type guys, they don’t believe in them at all. They think that all women are the same. All guys are assholes. All women are sluts. And that’s it. That’s life. They’ve seen enough evidence to close the case on that.
But you know, I used to work with pedophiles as a probation officer, and it got to the point where I started to think that all men were nonces, right? I’d be walking down the street and see a father with his child, and think, “motherfuckin pedophile”, like I just thought everybody was dangerous to children. And that’s the cluster effect. Whereas most people go throughout the day without even seeing one pedophile, I was seeing six or seven of them every day, most of the guys in my life were pedophiles. And so I created an impression of men based on my anecdotal experience.
And this is what all the kind of nice guys and red pill type guys do, is they repeatedly have a very skewed experience of a small niche of people. And because that’s what they repeatedly experience, they think, Well, I’m just living life randomly and this keeps happening. So this must be everything, this must be consistent. This must be what all life is, like what all people are like. When actually it’s much more like me working as a probation officer, all I’m gonna see is criminals because of my job. If I work somewhere else, I’m gonna see almost no criminals, and it completely warped my perspective.
I won’t go into attachment styles too deeply, because it’s a whole thing on its own, but I seriously recommend you do your research on this. Find out which one you tend to be, most people are both but they’ve got like a major and a minor.
So the general categories are avoidant attachment and anxious attachment. Avoidant try to prevent intimacy because people getting close to them as a child were painful experiences. And anxious people try to cling and chase because you know, the experiences were of abandonment, of people running away, and they’re trying to stop that from happening. And both of these are very fucked up psychological profiles, like you almost cannot have any form of healthy connection. You can’t even be attracted to healthy people when you’re deep in one of these styles, okay.
And so you really need find out what style you are, and it will answer most of your questions and most of your repetition compulsion problems. You’ll see oh, that’s why my relationships have always been like this and never been like that. There’s actually a book called Attachment – I can’t remember the name of the author off top my head – but that’s like the Bible on attachment style. So get that book and the other two I mentioned and you’ve basically got all the information you need to get your head right when it comes to meeting people.
I recently did a podcast on divorce. And in preparation for that podcast, I did a deep dive into divorce statistics and the science of marriage, scientific studies on marriage, and I found what I had already known my entire coaching career, which is the problem starts during dating. Okay, usually, the people shouldn’t be together in the first place. So 10 years later, when they’re getting divorced over cheating and financial problems and a loss of connection, it looks like that something grew into a problem. But the problem was there the first date.
So if you think you’ve just constantly had bad experiences, perhaps all the way through to divorce, where you just repeatedly have a bad experience with someone, understand it’s happening right from the moment you’re attracted to them. If you don’t get your attachment style sorted out, and you don’t start focusing on integrity rather than like your feelings and your urges and your desires, you’re just gonna keep landing yourself in the same pit.
Especially for men is this the idea of attraction, of physical attraction. Red pill guys will go on about ratios of hip to waist and all sorts of shit that they think is the be all and end all of attraction. But if you go around the world, you’ll find that everybody’s got a different story. You go to Samoa and big is beautiful, right? They find fat people attractive. If you’re going to tribes in the middle of Africa, and they’re stretching out their necks because a long neck or elongated ear lobes is hot. Right? Attraction can be conditioned by culture. Whatever it is you think is hot, it’ll feel like it’s just a feeling, like it’s not a choice. Like, no, I just think it’s natural attraction, and you’re gonna find yourself attracted to the same shit that everyone in your culture is attracted to. Right? And then you take that same thing and you take it to a different culture, and those guys will be like, oh, yuck!
Like if you take the standard European hot white girl to the San people of Africa, they’ll be like, Eww, where’s her ass? Why she’s so skinny? I can see her ribs! What’s with the long blonde hair, she looks like a ghost. Like they’re gonna be repulsed, because they like little peppercorn curls and a massive booty and that kind of squat like, voluptuous figure on a woman, like for them that’s a woman, right?
So this idea that you’re just going with what you’re attracted to, and that that’s just like, natural physical attraction. Nah, that’s not the case at all. It’s all bullshit. You’ve been taught to be attracted to certain things. And one of the fascinating findings I’ve had with my work is that when you get to know someone really well, they’re a really good fit for you values wise and you have a lot of fun together and you have deep and meaningful connection, you will become sexually attracted to them, if you weren’t already at the beginning of dating.
I’ve known a lot of pickup gurus and a lot of dating instructors and stuff, and known them long enough to see what happens when they get out of all of that and they just move on with a normal life. And there’s a fascinating phenomenon, is these guys would be dating models and having threesomes with, you know, Instagram chicks and all that sort of stuff… they don’t end up marrying a girl that looks like that. They end up marrying a girl that’s you know, you’d say as plain Jane perhaps compared to them, but they think she’s the hottest girl they’ve ever been with. What they finally did was have a deep, intimate emotional connection with a woman, and their brain did the rest, the brain makes it work.
Because attraction is all just, it’s all bullshit anyway, right? Physical attraction, visual attraction. It’s all just a story in the head. And that story will adjust based on what you really want. So if you really like someone, and have a really deep connection with them, just wait, you will eventually want to fuck them. Okay, your brain will make it work for you. So you’ve really got to let go of the idea that your impulsive attraction at a distance right now is safe and reliable, because odds are, you’re actually attracted to bad fit connections. You’re doing the repetition compulsion, you’re looking for that thing to fix from your childhood. And then you’ll actually find it physically attractive, you’ll look for signs of a damaged person that you can fix. And you will need to start doing some uncomfortable dating practices, you might say, where you start inviting a connection to build with someone that you’re not over the top, blown away with in terms of physical attraction, right, because that may actually be a distraction.
On top of this attraction problem is the checklist problem.
Now, this tends to be more of a girl problem than a guy problem, perhaps. But that aside, you got a list in your head of the traits and qualities your ideal partner should have. And you kind of judging people based on that. And I’ll tell you right now that if you’ve had that list for some time, whether it’s a vague or a clear crystal clear list in your head, and you’re using that to kind of qualify and sort through potential partners, and you’re still single, your list doesn’t fucking work! Your list doesn’t work. Your list is actually a barrier rather than a solution. That list, whatever it’s based on, clearly isn’t working for you.
It isn’t correct. Because in truth, the kind of partner that’s going to be great for you is going to write the list. You’re going to find someone and go really, this chick? And the more and more you fall in love with her, the more you’re going to be like, Oh, turns out, I’m really into this thing. And I’m really into that. And who would have thought I found this attractive? And who would have thought I’ve got a kink for that in the bedroom? Turns out I do.
You know, I used to be kind of a dating instructor, I guess, and I’d take guys out to meet girls. And they’d say something like, I’d really love to fuck her. I’m like, how do you know what she’s like in bed? You’ve never met her. What are you saying when you say that? He said, she’s really, I really want to get with her. Like, what if she just wants to peg you all night? What if she wants to choke you and pour burning wax in your ear hole? You don’t know what she’s into, so how can you say that you would like it. Because you’ve got an idea in your head of what you think you should like. And you’re just projecting that onto people, and it’s not working for you. You must actually go and have sex with someone and figure out what you want, you’ve actually got to go and get into relationship-type ongoing connections with people to figure out who it is you really like. But if you start with a checklist, then you’re limited to the checklist. And like I said, if that was working for you, you wouldn’t be listening to this podcast because you’d be with a great partner by now.
But I think what’s even more applicable to men is what you might call the reverse checklist problem. Red Pill, pick up, all these guys will constantly hammer you with the idea that you have to bring value. In Chris Rock’s latest special he talked about only women, children and dogs get unconditional love but a man has to like earn it. And that’s the, you know, this is a guy who’s recently divorced. So he’s got that perspective I guess, you know, but I bet that his relationships have the pattern that we’ve been talking about.
So the reverse checklist problem is you think they have a checklist and you’re trying to meet their criteria, that checklist. You’re trying to bring some sort of value, which means you’re not enough as you are. That just you as you, being you, saying what you want to say, doing what you want to do, and not adding any frills to it, that’s not going to attract a single partner ever. Right? So you’re going around trying to figure out what their checklist is and trying to meet the criteria to tick those boxes so that they finally open their legs or call you their boyfriend or whatever it is you’re trying to achieve. And like I said, if that was working for you, you wouldn’t be listening to this.
So the checklist problem in general is a barrier. It’s not a facilitator of relationships. I can tell you right now there will be a high correlation between the strength of somebody’s checklist, or imagined checklist in the other people, and their lack of success with dating.
And the problem with the reverse checklist is you’re doing what I call chasing soap in the bath. I don’t know how many of you guys still have baths. But when I was a kid, you know, I’d have a bar of soap because I’m old, and you know, drop the soap in the water. And I tried to grab it, and when you go for it, it like scoots away from you, and you try to grab it, squeezing, it pops out of your hand, because it’s soap, right? And I’d spend minutes chasing soap around the bath. I just couldn’t quite get my hands on it. And then I learned slowly but surely over time that if I just sort of sit there with my hand out, and just move the water around, eventually the soap just kind of lands nicely on my hand. So chasing the soap around always makes it run away from you.
And that is how I see most people dating. Men and women alike. That chasing, and it keeps slipping out of the grip, as the strength of their grip and the suffocating force of their chasing is what’s actually causing the soap to run away from you. The fact that you tried to pick up soap in the first place, something slippery, something that doesn’t want to connect to or attached to them, well there you go.
So neediness is your real enemy here. That’s why I say if you use the word dating, I know you’ve already got a neediness problem. Because neediness is inherent in dating. We wouldn’t call it dating if we didn’t have desperation and needs and trying to get something from somebody else, trying to take from them. Dating is never a word about giving or connecting or intimacy or lack of attachment.
And you’ve got to let go of these movie ideals. You know, the Disney romance that so many women are, you know, waiting to get swept off their feet by the prince charming. I can’t believe that shit still sits with girls. And the latest attempt by Hollywood to kind of show some sort of reverse woman MGTOW thing is just terrible. It’s the opposite of going to work. But that Disney romance idea that things will just happen magically if you just be the good guy in the story, how’s that going for you? Hey, there’s a reason they call it fucking fiction, isn’t it? These aren’t documentaries. Right? Or even the romcom, like you know, in a romcom those perfect sexual experiences, where people just have to have each other right now, and the guy throws her up against the wall, and somehow they skip the conversation about a condom and everything and they just get straight into the bed. And they both have long, satisfying sex all night long. As if! How many first time sexual experiences are like that? Get the fuck outta here. You gotta be kidding.
My first time with my now wife, who I can satisfy sexually no problem at all these days, my first time with her was under a minute. And I farted right afterwards. So there’s that. That’s how that goes. That’s how it usually goes. It almost ended things right there and then.
But this idea that you’re gonna have these perfect scripted experiences, where the conversations will go just right, and even better, you won’t need to say certain things, there’s no need for it. They just know. They just read you right?
Or there will be drama, that there has to be drama in the formation of the relationship. There has to be an antagonist that tries to pull you apart. So you know, you’ve not got your retroactive jealousy, looking for the enemy, that one is going to steal your girlfriend. It’s all shit, fiction, entertainment. If they showed what real life relationships would like, just imageine, like, oh my god, they’re bickering about the dishes again. Just ask her out already. What the fuck, you know, it’s just, it’s not going to be entertaining. Actually, I think it might be, but we just been like seduced by the hype of Hollywood.
See, in real life, you’re gonna have awkwardness, you’re gonna have friction, you’re gonna have misunderstandings, you’re gonna have to talk through all the stuff, you’re gonna have to talk through condoms, right? I mean, you’re gonna have to actually talk about the use of protection. You might actually have to talk through having your first kiss. You have to talk about how you like each other. You have to take risk of like them saying, I don’t feel that way about you and so on. You have all these conversations that they never have in the movies, right? You’re gonna have to do things, like go on the toilet after they’ve taken a massive dump and go, Oh my gosh, she smells like a baboon. Because this is a real human. Right? There’s gonna be so much awkwardness, so much weirdness, in a real connection with somebody, and the real formation of a relationship is not smooth and easy. The fact that you’re looking for that just leads you into disaster.
So what I want to introduce you to something I’m been calling boiled potato theory.
So at the heart of all of this, if we just skip to the chase and let’s imagine you’re one of my clients and you’ve done all the deep work so we can just get to the conclusion. This is about not feeling good enough.
You start off with a suspicion from childhood trauma that you’re not good enough. And then you have bad experiences with women and each bad experience ,whether it’s just getting rejected so you can’t get a date, all the way through to getting divorced and losing everything, and everything in between, you start to get this confirmation, I really am not good enough. I’m giving it a real try but it’s not working for me. I don’t know about the cluster effect. I don’t know that I’m just repeating a small niche of bad people and that’s why I’m having these results. Or I don’t know that I’m actually not trying at all and that’s why am I having these results. I just feel like everything I do just confirms I’m not good enough as I am.
And the reason I call this, the boiled potato theory is this fear, in terms of say food, that we’re a boiled potato. Like if we’re at the buffet, no one’s going to choose us when there’s so much other delicious stuff to choose from. And that the only chance we have to be chosen, we got to fancy it up. Right? We’ve got to put some diced, crispy bacon on there, and some sour cream and chives and you know, some sides, and that potato’s gotta be able to dance and give you superpowers and pay for dinner. And this idea that the potato is never going to be enough, that we’ve seen confirmation that it’s not enough, and therefore it needs to be fancied up.
Or there’s a variation I might call the fried crickets variation, which is, you don’t think of yourself as a boiled potato, but you do think of yourself as something very weird that nobody wants, right? It amounts to the same thing of not being good enough, for different reasons.
So the guy who thinks he’s a boiled potato is constantly going to try and impress and add more to what he is, and hide what he is, and so on. And then that’s not going to work for him. And he’s going to think, see! people don’t like me. But as I mentioned at the start of this podcast, he’s never actually tried just being a boiled potato. He’s never given that a real crack, just saying okay, I’m just gonna be this thing and let chips fall where they may. Because I’ll be able to track through that guy’s history, and I know this for certain ,I’ll be able to track his whole history all the way back. And the only time he ever tried just letting himself be what he is was in childhood, and that got severely punished. By the time he’s in high school, he’s already being fancy. He’s already pretending to be something he’s not, or hiding in the shadows, or both. And so this idea he’s never actually been the boiled potato but every time something goes wrong with a girl, he thinks, Oh, see, there’s something wrong with me. He never clicks, Hey, I’ve never even let them see me. How can I say that I’m the problem when I’ve always been hidden?
This is ultimately what got me out of the pickup artist thing that I was deep into for a number of years, was that I was so called successful, I was bringing girls back to my house and so on, but then I’d get there and be like, she doesn’t actually know me. You know, getting rejected for who I am is actually preferable to getting into accepted for who I’m not. I’d have girls wanting to sleep with me, but it wasn’t me they wanted to sleep with, it was the performance. It was the act I put on, from what I wore and how I styled my hair and everything, all the way through mostly to the way I talked and the kind of persona that I presented to them. That’s what they were going home with. And that guy was almost nowhere near the real thing. There’s only bits of me in there. And I realized, you know what? This isn’t as satisfying as it’s cracked up to be.
And some of you guys maybe will be satisfied with that. But if just getting your dick wet is your thing, then go buy a hooker and stop listening to this podcast. If you actually want a real connection with woman, then you won’t be satisfied with tricking them into bed and having that impostor syndrome, waiting to be found out for the boring boiled potato that you actually are.
What I’m putting out to do is what happens if you just cut all the trimmings? No more sour cream, no more bits of fucking bacon, nothing. And you’re just gonna sit in the buffet as a boiled potato and just see if anyone chooses you. Alright? See if anyone actually prefers boiled potato. Right? And not just because they ‘re feeling sick.
This green pill, you might call it, is a huge shift where you go, I’m no longer going to try to make people like me, which is partly where the MGTOW guys are. I’m not gonna put the effort into seducing and manipulating and convincing people to love me or have sex with me or whatever it is. But I’m also not going to run away. I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to sit right out there in the fucking buffet. I’m going to be front and center. You’re going to have to reject me to get to the other food. I am going to interact with people and connect with people and have a robust, active social life. But not one of those people am I going to try and seduce or make them like me. So this is the huge shift, this is the new perspective. You’re going to let go of any behavior, anything you do, that has the primary focus on making people like you, seducing them into feeling attraction towards you, or anything like that. You’re going to let go of all of that. And instead, you’re going to let them see the boiled potato and judge for themselves whether or not they prefer it. Right. So that if somebody goes on a date with you, goes home with you, offers their phone number to you, you’re going to be 100% certain that they know what they signed up for, that they have not been tricked.
You’re going to be kind of blown away. Like really, you’re attracted to a boiled potato? Because that’s all I’ve shown you.
I want you to have that experience, because it’s a liberating experience to have someone like you for who you are. Most of you listening have almost never had that experience. Not because it can’t happen, but you’ve never let it possibly happen. You’ve always put on an act, you’ve always hidden who you really are, you’ve never tried to be fully honest, sustainably for a long time, to get through the transition period. You know, some people have had bursts of little bits of honesty, but it’s usually like having a crush on someone for two years and then telling them. No, that didn’t work out well. The honesty wasn’t the problem. To two years dishonesty was the problem. If you told them right at the start, maybe something would have happened.
You never really tried just going like, here’s who I fucking am. Judge for yourselves. I’m just going to keep being this right in front of you. You do whatever you want to do about that. I’m not going to try and bring you in. But if you like me, I’m not going to push you away either. I’m not going to be avoidant or anxious, I’m going to be secure.
So specifically, what you’re focused on is integrity in intimacy, right? Deep, meaningful connections through being fully honest, and vulnerable, and courageous, without chasing, without trying to make something happen. And also without preventing things from happening.
It’s a technique called push them away with honesty.
And this doesn’t mean being contrarian and deliberately trying to offend people. What it means is, anytime in your mind you feel you’re at that crossroads where hey, if I be honest about this next thing, I’m going to lose them, be honest there. Where you’d usually choose fakery and trickery and silence and whatever it is you use to keep yourself safe, be unsafe. You know, you’re having a conversation with someone, it’s going really well. And then politics comes up and your opinion goes against the group. Say your opinion, lose the group if you have to, right? Somebody says, Oh, my God, this is my favorite type of music. And you’re like, Well, I would rather die than listen to this. Guess what you got to say? You see someone, you’re really nervous because you’re attracted to them, you just want to just sort of pretend that you’re nonchalant. Tell them you’re attracted to them.
This is pushing people away with honesty. I think of it like dropping a nuclear honesty warhead, and watching that mushroom cloud just go out throughout the room. And then open my eyes, and I see if anyone lived through it. Right. And sometimes it feels like this. Like if I go to a party or barbecue or something these days, obviously I’m not chasing girls around, but I will just start talking as if everyone there was already my best friend. Right? I don’t even say like, Hi, what’s your name or anything? Because I wouldn’t say that to my friends. When they say, how’s your day going? I’ll say, I’m fucking depressed because I’m not getting enough sleep. How are you? And I just let that bomb hit. And I see if anyone wants to keep talking to me. And I find 10 times out of 10 that if anyone stays and keeps talking to me, I’m gonna have a good time talking to that person, we’re going to connect well. Anyone who walks away, I won’t miss them. They weren’t right for me. It’s fucking foolproof technology to make sure I only have a good inner circle. But it means that occasionally, especially if I go the wrong place or the wrong types of people, no one’s gonna like me, and I have to be okay with that potential outcome. In fact, I’m kind of seeking it.
So I’m looking to polarize rather than attract. Knowing if my neediness gets inside me and starts saying, but what about this and that, I say, Hey, don’t worry about it. Polarizing is attractive anyway. So I’m being attractive without trying to be attractive. Right? You think being the guy that everyone likes is attractive, that’s just not true. Even the red pill guys will tell you that. But if you’re the guy who’s just like, look, I’m willing to let all of you hate me as long as I’m true to myself, there are certain people who will get turned on by that, either as friends or as lovers. So you don’t need to worry that you’re just going to lose everybody, because just the bravery of being fully honest in front of a high stakes audience, that alone is attractive even if you’re a freaky weirdo. Okay? That alone is attractive.
So what you’re going to do is just be the boiled potato and allow anyone who has a preference for boiled potato to become known. Because the real downside to trying to make yourself something you’re not to be attractive is that someone who would have been attracted to you as you are will walk right past you. And, this is my opinion, this is why some of the red pill guys have never had confident connections, is actually they’re pretty likable dudes, a lot of them, not all but a lot of them, and if they could just be like that with women they would meet the woman they’ve been looking for. But when they put on the big fucking Chad showboat act, a healthy woman will move on. And only the insecure daddy issues drug addict club girls go, oh my God, he’s so hot. And that’s all you end up with. Just nightmares.
Healthy hobbies and activities.
The most practical advice I can give you is actually pretty simple. You’re gonna fill out your calendar, every spare moment you’ve got, with healthy hobbies and activities. Group social events where the primary reason for you being there is the event and the activity. It’s not so much meeting people. But it will be full of people. Classes, for example, maybe you’re really into cooking, then start going to cooking classes. Want to know how to dance? Go to dancing classes, right. You want to learn how to edit video, don’t just do it online, go find an in-person class to do it. Sports and other recreational activities, orienteering, tennis, indoor netball, it doesn’t matter as long as you are keen to do it. You like music, don’t sit alone at home, go busking. Join a band playing gigs.
The key here is to take whatever it is you feel an interest in, and that you’d like doing even if you didn’t make any friends doing it, and do the most social version of that you can find. You know, let’s say you’re really into something that seems isolated and introverted, like reading books, you know, playing Dungeons and Dragons or whatever. Think outside the box. What’s the social version of this? Book clubs, right? Dungeons and Dragons conventions. Even if you’re playing video games, like, well, let’s say you like a war game, go play paintball. You know, go find a way to do this as socially as possible. That’s where you can tell your neediness, Look, I’m giving us some opportunities socially, don’t worry, we’re getting as much exposure to people as we possibly can. But we’re not going to focus on people, we’re going to focus on doing what we love.
Now, the reason for this is twofold.
One, is you walk home alone, you’re still satisfied. So you still have a good life. All the MGTOW guy should be right on board with this approach. Because you just are living your own life, right? But you’re also putting yourself in the presence of people who are like you, right? Not random luck and traumatised sluts at the bar.
Now you’re going to be hanging out with people who are into the same shit as you, so probably have a very similar personality profile, have similar motivations in life, maybe even have similar values. Right? If I just go randomly to a bar, maybe 3% of the people at the bar will be someone I actually get along with enough to want to spend more time with, if I’m lucky. And I have gone to bars and met everyone there. Right? When I was into pickup, I really flourished, right? So I’ve done the thing where I go and talk to everyone at a venue.
If I go to a dance event, if I go to a salsa or Zouk event, I’ll be able to connect well with 30 to 50% of the people there. The difference in the quality of people from my preferences is astonishing. 200 times better. And this is the cluster effect.
Let’s say you break the cluster effect. You gotta get out of your clusters, stop hanging out with the same group of fucking douchebag mates, right, stop going to the same bars and clubs, stop going to bars and clubs. Stop hooking up with people online. Get out of those clusters, go to new events where other people go for healthy reasons. And you’ll meet healthy people who are like you, especially if you choose what you’re actually into.
You start with one thing, and then start filling up your week. This is how you can invest your money. If you want to spend money on something it’s going to help you, invest in hobbies, right? Sign up for classes and courses and shit.
And then once you’re there, there’s a simple methodology to make the most of it right. Initiate with everyone. The easiest thing in the world to do is to initiate with people who are at a hobby or shared event or an activity. Like a at a music festival, it’s really easy to talk to strangers as you’re all there because you love the same band, right? Or if you’re at a dance class, I mean, you literally have to go and initiate in order to dance with people. If you’re going to a nude drawing class, you can walk around, have a look at people’s paintings and give them some compliments on their work. Like, it’s so easy to connect with people, the very least you can just introduce yourself, and there’s no weirdness about it. Just go ahead and say, “I haven’t met you yet, I’m Dan”. And everyone goes, Yeah, of course, we’re gonna meet each other at the same thing. So you initiate,
I won’t go into the longer term details of the 3X conversation. But you can find my course and my podcasts around that. You just have a normal conversation, the tennis match conversation back and forth, and you will naturally escalate and connect with people, because you’re going to be focused on honesty, right? You can polarize with honesty. That’s all we’re going to be thinking about in the conversation, as well as respecting them and listening to them, and allowing them to polarize you.
If it goes well, if you’re really loving the person, you invite them to your life in some way outside of this thing. Say you meet someone in a dance class and you go, Well, I’m actually going to see a band on Friday night, you should come join me. So you invite them into your life. And you just, throughout all of this, you’ve been really honest about your feelings with them. If you’re attracted to them, if you liked them, if you’re impressed by them, whatever, there’s no delay between you feeling that and you expressing it. So they know right from the first 30 seconds of conversation how you’re feeling about them constantly.
So if you’re worried, well, how does this build into a relationship or sex? I’m like, well, you’re gonna be fucking kicking things off all the time. If you’re with somebody, like, “Oh, you’re so hot, I can’t stop looking at you”, that’s gonna escalate to sex if they want it to, okay. You’ve done all the work, you don’t need to play any tricks, you’ve made it completely safe for them to to maul you without having to worry about getting rejected.
And that’s where you’ll find you’ll let reciprocation do the work. As long as you keep initiating you, keep being the first to put your feelings out there, the first to say, you know, invite them into your life, the first to do this and the other, then they’re now safe to follow. And what you often find is because you make it so safe, they’ll take the lead, right?
I used to always have to be the one to like initiate and make things happen. And then once I started doing things like this, it was the other way around. I’d follow. They would be the one suggesting we go home and stuff because I made it so easy for them that I’ve actually done the work but it looks like they are.
And you’ve got to stop doing things.
No more asking people on a date. Right? No more asking somebody to an event that you created just for them and it depends on them coming. No, no, no, you invite them into your life if you want to see them. Things you’re already doing. It can be something mundane. You’re going food shopping. Sat, I am going to the grocery store after this, you should come with me. Through to something more interesting. I am going to try this new cooking class on Sunday. Love to have you come join me. What you’re not going to do is say hey, I’m going to keep my Friday night clear and if you like me, I’m going to fill it with stuff that I think you’ll like, you know, okay. You do that with a partner. You don’t do that with someone new.
No more getting phone numbers without a good reason. So many guys think in dating, like especially when it comes to approaching and attracting people, that getting the phone number is some sort of success. Most people give you a phone number just out of fear or politeness. That doesn’t mean anything. They should be the one to say, Oh, you’ll need my phone number to go on that thing that we just organized. Right?
The phone is just nothing more than a logistical tool. You will no longer be having meaningful discussions that way. No text game. None of that bullshit. The only text messaging that should happen on a phone is: where and when are we going to meet or call to have a real discussion? And you don’t even let them do it. They’re like, oh my god, I had such a bad day, You’ll by like, sweet call me and tell me about it. You’re going to be a real man here. You’re not a 14 year old girl. Get off the fucking phone.
And no more fixating on someone’s response, waiting for someone to get back to you, hoping that girl likes you blah, blah, blah. If you’re waiting on anyone, move on. Alright, I don’t mean cut them off. If they come back, and they initiate or reinitiate with you, great, and you liked them, go forward with it. But if you’re like sitting there, she hasn’t got back to me. Well, okay, time to meet new people. And away you go. Right. You never wait on anyone.
You never fixate and get needy about people. You’re so abundant socially, there’s so many people. What you want to do is get to the point where you’re having to choose, right? Where you’re meeting everyone at all these events so often and inviting all the ones you like into your life, you get to the point like I said, I can only get three more people in and I’ve got five people who are keen. That’s what you’re aiming for. Not like, Okay, I’m going to put all of my hopes and possible happiness in this world on this one girl texting me back. That’s a good idea.
And then, as something develops, to help you counter your attachment styles: Just one more time.
So let’s say you see someone and it goes really well, and you want to see them again, and you start to have either fantasies or fears about a long term relationship. So if you’re anxious, you’re going to be like, oh my god, we’ll get married and have kids and it will be wonderful. My life’s finally finished. And if you’re avoidant, you’ll be like, Oh my God, what if I can’t get out of this relationship? What if she wants to get married? I’m suffocating! Just go away!
The only question is: Do I want to see them one more time? And do they want to see me one more time? And that can actually be specifically than discussion. You say, look, I really enjoyed this. You know, if you did too, I’d love to see you one more time at least. And you can keep taking the pressure off both the fantasy and the fear. And just go look, if I like them, we’ll see each other one more time, we’ll keep doing that until one of us doesn’t want to anymore. And that’s it. We don’t have a relationship as such. We’re not like, committed or obliged or loyal. We just, do want to see each other one more time?
And what are the boundaries around that? Something like monogamy, for example, which I do recommend, but I won’t go into here, can be a natural discussion, like yeah, I really want to see you again. But I’m at the point now where I’d get jealous if you’re seeing other people. And so for us to keep seeing each other, at least while we’re seeing each other, I think we should be monogamous. If you’re cool with that, let’s do it. And if not, then I can see this actually becoming a problem. You can have that kind of discussion without going, okay, now that we’ve girlfriend and boyfriend, you can’t fuck anyone else. So it doesn’t have to be like that.
So think of it as like a tennis match investment, this is the best way to counter an attachment style problem. You hit the ball over to them, they must hit it back in some equal fashion. And this is how you answer questions like, Who pays for dinner? You take turns! Fuck Disney, fuck the old ways of doing things. The new modern way is we are equal partners.
Now it might end up imbalanced in one way and balanced out another way, right. For example, my wife doesn’t earn an income, I pay for everything in the family. But she does the majority of the childcare and taking care of the house and that kind of thing. So we do have a balance, just in different ways using different strengths, right. But generally, you want to make sure it feels like it’s balanced all the time. Right? If you’re texting them all the time and they’re not texting back, that’s not balanced… and stop fucking texting. If you call them and invite them to stuff, and they said yes, now it’s their turn to invite you to something.
And you don’t need to make this a guessing game. Right? This isn’t. There’s no more gameplay. Just say okay, look, I came up with the last date idea. It’s your turn. I’ll wait for your call. See you next time. And now it’s their turn. And if they go No, but you’re the man, you should do it, be like, well, actually, this is a good segue…
For those of you who might be dealing with classic gender roles and so on, and you’re dealing with them in dating, you’ve got them having expectations about who does what, you can break those expectations, but it needs to be a discussion. You need to have a discussion about that, something along the lines of, I know you expect this because of x y&z Right, you have your previous experiences with men and what you’ve been taught about men and so on, I want you to draw a nice big fat line right here and now, and what you do with me is going to be different. We’re going to follow different roles. If you don’t like that, don’t call me, go find somebody else if you want to prefer the old way of doing things. You know, the old way of doing things is the guy pays for everything. Well the new way is while we’re dating, we take turns so that neither of us feels like they’re over invested in this.
I’m not saying that’s what you must do. It must be based on your own preferences. But the idea is you have this conversation. Look, we have both been unhealthy with people in the past. Let’s both stop doing that. And the way we’re going to stop doing that is we’re going to forget fucking what we’ve been conditioned and taught because it didn’t work for us, we’re going to forget what we did with our exes because there’s a reason they’re our exes and that didn’t work out. And we’re going to work together to find our own unique way of doing things that works for us. And I don’t care if it breaks all the rules. I don’t care if nobody else does it this way. And I don’t care what my fucking parents say about it. If you and I feel that it’s healthy, and it keeps continually working for us, then we’re going to do it that way. And anything we do that doesn’t work well, that leads to bitterness and resentment and miscommunication and pain, I don’t care if everyone does it that way, we’re not going to, we’re going to ditch it if it doesn’t work for us.
You also need to learn the difference between tolerating the small humanities about people and deal breakers, red flags that breach your values. So it’s really important and beyond the scope of this podcast that you figure out what your core values are. And that becomes the only real criteria you have. See my wife, she can have all sorts of things that annoy me but she’s not allowed to be dishonest with me. If she is, she needs to admit it and fix it as quickly as possible. And I can be all kinds of things with her. I can have all sorts of things annoy her, you know, I leave my clothes on the floor, I fart too much, whatever. But I can’t be a people pleaser with her. Right? She has strict boundaries around that. And of course we both slip on these things, but not much and we quickly fix it. Whereas other things, like I am going to be messy for the rest of my days, poor girl, and I’m gonna leave the lights on because I’m fuckin short sighted with my memory. I don’t remember what I just did. I’m gonna forget to get her flowers on our anniversary. I’m forgetful, because I just don’t think far into the future. And she’s going to tolerate all of that, she’s getting better tolerating it too, because it doesn’t really matter. These aren’t value breaches, they just have preferences. Right?
That’s not to say her preferences are some small thing. But I’m not really committing real crimes here. Just like the little things she might do that annoys me, they’re not real crimes. But if she was to betray me, or disrespect me in some major way, I need to know that I can end the relationship immediately if that happens, or at least lay such a strong boundary that it never fucking happens again. But most people do the opposite. They allow big breaches of values, they allow someone to disrespect them and lie to them and betray them and be irresponsible, whatever it is that you value, but end a relationship on some small things, like I can’t believe you don’t like that sports team, this will never work out. Right, you need to make sure you know what matters in terms of a healthy connection. It’s not the small surface stuff. It’s the big, deep inner stuff.
As I said, if you’re going to be dating other people who have struggled in the dating space, you’re both going to be bringing your baggage and your problems to this. And what you’re looking for is not somebody who’s completely baggage free, because that person doesn’t exist, but somebody who when called out and inspired by you will work on it. All right. I have a great example, a friend of mine, he started dating a girl and she started bantering back and forth with him. And I can’t remember what the details were but she said something to hurt his feelings. And he’s got like a soft spot about, you know, like, the hole in his armor. And he said, to really set the boundary, you know, like, you can joke about all sorts of stuff, but just not that, that one is too sore for me. And then she did it again. And again. And he stayed with her.
When somebody’s not wanting to change, he kept telling you, you know, this is really painful for me, Stop it, and she kept doing it anyway. Somebody who’s willing to change, when you set that boundary, you’ll be like, Look, I know you were probably okay with this type of behavior in the past, but not with me. All right, I need you to step up and do things differently with me. Right, and they might make a mistake, they might slip it off and lapse and say, sorry, so I’m really trying my best. But if they’re just like openly doing it, like your boundary doesn’t matter, then they’re not ready to grow with you. And they gotta go. Right? And in fact, you kicking them to the curb might be the inspiration they need to finally get their shit together. Because they finally haven’t been tolerated about this bad behavior for once.
You know, there’s been a couple of conversations where one night my wife and I sat down together in the dating phase, you might call it, and had a conversation that might end with a breakup, saying like this behavior ends now, no matter how or why you do it, or what how it helped you in the past, we end it you know. And that’s why we’re still together is because every time we had that conversation, we changed the behavior, we put an end to all fictions together.
Because you got to remember, love is not enough. For those of you who have had lots of long term relationships that went sour, I’d say your boundary setting sucked, right. You either didn’t set the boundary or you set it but you didn’t enforce it. It wasn’t actually a deal breaker. It wasn’t actually something that you responded to with restrictions and reductions and endings. You got to understand that love needs to be protected in a relationship. Right. Love is not the protecting force, love’s the vulnerable force. Love can be damaged easily with resentment, criticism, stonewalling, all the Horsemen of the Apocalypse as they go.
So what we got to do is constantly be having boundary conversations from the very first date onwards. I like that, I don’t like this, I’ll tolerate that but definitely not this. And allowing them and respecting them when they have that conversation. If you guys ever hit what Mark Manson calls friction, if you hit a point that the two of you can’t see eye to eye on, then the relationship does not continue, it’s as simple as that. So rather than end in divorce in 10 years, you stopped dating after three coffees. Right? That’s where the work needs to be done, not later on.
And if it is going well and it’s mostly going to plan, and you think, fuck now maybe it’s time for some sort of bigger commitment beyond just I’ll see you next time, there’s two types of conversations I think I recommend you having.
The first would be the skeletons in the closet. What each of you do is you go away with a piece of paper and you write down everything you could possibly think of that might make the other person stop liking you that you haven’t you told them about. Something if they found out about it, right your wrack your brain through your whole memory, like what if somebody tried to kill this relationship with some demons from my past or some secrets from in my head? Maybe it’s sexual preferences. Maybe it’s horrible things you did or whatever it is, and you write them all down. Anything you can think of that hasn’t yet been brought up. And if you’ve been having lots of honest conversations, there shouldn’t be much left on the list. Sometimes you just forget things or you’re too scared. And they have to do the same. And you say look, anything, anything that would make me leave you, right? Because before we commit and get to the point where we can get really hurt feelings, let’s make sure that nobody, ourselves included, could come up with something that derails our relationship. Nobody can smash this relationship over. So you go and they come back and you read those lists to each other. And you see if the relationship survives that conversation.
If you’re a good fit for each other, what you’ll find is that the list is like nothing to you, and vice versa, and that you just don’t actually care about this stuff. And it will make you feel bulletproof. You’re like, Oh, my God, well, there’s nothing worse than this that’s going to come up. That’s what the conversation should end with, a conclusion like, there’s no truth worse than these things that’s going to come up and ruin things for us. If she likes me in spite of these things, we’re good. She loves some boiled potato, I go what’s wrong with that? Well, fuck it. Let’s go with it. So that’s the first skeletons in the closet conversation.
And the next one is a deal breaker discussion. A heart breaking thing that I saw a few years back was a couple I knew, they’d been together a very long time, seemed very compatible. Then suddenly, they broke up. And we’re like, what the fuck? I thought they’d go the distance, you know. We found out they hadn’t had the discussion about whether or not they wanted kids. Five years into the relationship, the first time they have that discussion. One wants one thing, the other wants the other, incompatible. Total friction. Doesn’t matter how much you love each other. If one wants kids and the other doesn’t, you can’t be together. It’s as simple as that. So they had to break up. But for five years they could have been meeting other people who do want the same things as them. They left it too long.
So you need a similar list of things. And this will probably be more than one discussion or keep emerging as you talk about what you want out of life. But you need to recognize when something cannot be compromised on. You know, there are certain things that can be and certain things that can’t, even some big things can be compromised on, you know, I moved halfway across the world to be with my girl. So location wasn’t actually a deal breaker for me, I didn’t have to live in my country. And actually, I’m glad I’ve gotten out. But there are other things, if, for example, she was dishonest with me, or she cheated on me, there’s no recovering from that. We’re done if that happens.
So you need to know what your deal breakers are, what are behaviors or preferences that you just can’t move on. And there needs to be a discussion for both of you, you need to see this coming well early. This is a discussion should be held within the first three months, in the honeymoon period, possibly ruining that vibe you’ve got. That’s where it needs to happen so that you don’t get into a commitment and an investment, where you feel that you actually have to compromise that thing and therefore lose yourself and resent them. Contempt builds into a divorce, right.
So I don’t know if I covered everything. I tried to. But that is what I call the green pill approach to dating. That is the new approach, where all you’re focused on doing is being honest, having integrity, socializing as much as possible, and letting people see that boiled potato. And staying with people who like it just the way it is. If you follow this, I’m very certain you will end up in the right kind of social situation for you and you will be satisfied with your connections with other people. And that if you’re struggling, it’s because you’re not following this. Bold statement that, I know.
I can’t cover everything that needs to be covered in a single podcast. There’s all kinds of psychological barriers and everything that you need to get through in order to make this kind of approach work for you. And if you want help with that, get in touch firstname.lastname@example.org We can talk about your specific situation and your specific psychological barriers, how to get past those. Thank you so much for listening. See you next time.