Ask BROJO Anything: “Why do I sleep so much?” and “What’s your interpretation of honesty?”

Today’s questions: Why do I sleep so much? What’s your interpretation of honesty?

Full transcript (unedited)

according live all right everything’s goin the way it should be welcome back everyone so you asked bro Joe anything with myself Dan munro and Mike got a couple of questions for you today so we answer the questions for our bro Joe Gold members as a priority and then we’ll try to get to the other questions after there so let’s dive straight into it twice as possible we have first a question yeah so it’s been a long one I’ll read the whole thing because I think it’s important and then I’ll hand it over to Mike for a first crack at it so our member see us what a Mike could you just mute while I’m back yes I’m in alive cafe here today there we go cool oh I meet you and I’m done

so he says I always get tired around midnight or so and usually wrap up whatever I’m doing and go to be it pretty regularly between 11:30 p.m. 1:00 a.m. each day but I’m writing this person making plans for next day etc is not the person making decisions in the morning every single day I get up 5 to 10 minutes before I have to be out the door the weekends when I have nowhere to go I sleep until I’m too guilty to sleep any longer I wake up to alarms I walk across rooms to turn them off I reset them and go back to sleep even when I do really good and get up and go to the gym 6 a.m. I’ll get back and sleep until 10 minutes before I have to leave for work maybe I like purpose maybe I’m depressed maybe a combo maybe something else what to do okay so generally speaking we’ve got somebody who’s trying their best to get out into the world and do what they’re supposed to do but they keep finding themselves being dragged back under the covers by some force of will very common one I think Mike do you know first crack at this

yeah can you hear me now yep fantastic yeah this is such a common one and I can relate to this quite deeply on a personal level too it’s something I struggled with for quite a few years I think it’s a mixture of different important topics here one is understanding that yes you could probably qualify this as a kind of depression but that depression isn’t pre-existing the depression isn’t causing you to stay in bed it’s more that the staying in bed is creating the depression there’s a very good thing it does me a long time to discover was that if I didn’t have any sense of discipline or any sense of routine or any sense of structure to my day my brain would take the easiest path possible and it would it would always find a convincing excuse why staying under the covers a little bit longer was the best choice for that moment when I’ve got low energy and nothing critical happening but that was very self-perpetuating and that created a lifestyle of not getting much done at all it wasn’t until I decided to start developing a morning routine something you spent a lot of time on man and creating something that really really helped me take small steps forward towards what I wanted in life that I really started to see change and I was very surprised to see how much change I saw emotionally in my day waking up in the morning is now a very different experience psychologically inside my head it’s like yeah I got a big tough thing first thing today you know I’m gonna go smash the gym for an hour and a half I’m gonna do some writing before 11 o’clock I’m gonna have a day’s worth of work done that’s daunting and somehow it’s invigorating at the same time it has a really impressive implications for how my brain works what have you found with your morning Ruth what do you do now for your morning reach

yes so for mine it’s pretty basic it’s a cold shower to begin with all the standard brushing teeth and light kind of stuff and breakfast in little chats to warm me up socially then I do a kind of body warm-up thing nothing too strenuous just kind of loosen up my limbs in out do five minutes of meditation and then essentially I have a priority list at the start of the day of things that need to be done first to prepare me for the day and I guess it’s kind of part of the morning routine but by that stage I’m kind of working now

and that works really well for me and there’s always a reluctance to do it as I get up this boy is that feeling like wanting to stand of the covers a little bit longer I don’t understand that their feelings just a feeling it’s not a command it’s one instruction I have to follow it’s not some force of nature that’s beyond my strength it’s just more like a say someone tugging on your shirt as you’re trying to walk away if you keep walking you’ll find that they let go but if you go oh I’m stuck and you go back and I think that’s what’s happening is the guy who wrote the sin is feeling that tug and responding to it like a command thinking I’m powerless over this and it’s because he thinks that that it has power of them if he can accept that he will always feel every morning he’ll feel that little tug some days when he’s depressed he’ll feel like a pore around the neck and other days it feels just like a little suggestion either way if he never forgets that he’s always stronger than that that he can always walk his feet out the door as he’s proven to himself a million times over look wanting to stand to the covers as a classic depression symptom and even people who are for purpose and have a mission in life still wanna stay under the covers effects sometimes the mission is so overwhelming that they feel the need to I feel compelled to get out of bed because of my mission definitely like this work that’s got to be done if you have a job that sucks it’s very hard justify the need to go do it via the job where people rely on you and it’s important and you’re doing your part of the world it’s it becomes too guilty to stay in bed and that helps but I think the main point that there Mike made that I absolutely agree with is depression is self-perpetuating the symptoms cause further depression the further depression caused further symptoms you can’t do much about the depression but you can do a lot about the symptoms it’s a weird one but you act as if you’re doing well and you actually counteract a lot of the effects of depression if you act as if you’re depressed you become depressed you can you can make yourself depressed by just being lethargic and uninvolved and staying in bed a lot you’ll become depressed and that’s I think that’s the tragedy of depression is not just as a feeling but as is a psychological illness is that it convinces you that you can’t you can’t do the things that you should be doing and it’s a lie it’s a little bit of a manipulation by your brain to try and you know stop you from doing stuff but when you didn’t follow that lie as an instruction you creates the truth you know you create look I can’t do anything I’m powerless which further enables the depression yeah I fully agree with that there’s there’s a very important thing I think to understand about how our brains work which is that all the time we’re making decisions about what we want to do and how to approach certain things and that that decision that discussion is a negotiation between two different parts your brain you got your rational part you got your emotional part in there buying it out all at the time when you go to bed your rational parts wide awake it’s got great plans for the future and those who you want to be it’s got this vision for where you’re gonna go and it makes this awesome marker board full of things you’re gonna do tomorrow but when you wake up in the morning at rational part to sleep and the emotional part just can’t be fun with doing anything that’s gonna require any significant amount of work so if that’s the only part you’re listening to you’re never gonna want to get out of bed what you really have to do is just get up and start doing those things make a rational mind already planned out last night I have that marker board right in front of you just get up and start doing item one now this was really hard for me to do it was a new way of thinking was like I don’t want to do it but part of me knows that I want to do it I know I’m gonna regret it if I don’t do it I’ll regret it later but but I will regret it so one of the things that really helped me was that was structuring my morning routine now Dan and I you and I’ve talked about this a lot especially with the Superman guys who are really they’re doing full life transformation things that require discipline and structure and motivation and all these elements one of the things that really helped for me was to structure my morning routine so that the very first thing wasn’t that hard for me it was get up put on my shoes go get a coffee at this one cafe I can do that that sounds actually kind of nice but once I’m there I’m putting together my workout plan and then I go into the gym next door and smash it for an hour and a half and then I do some writing then I make my way back home around 11:00 a.m. and my morning routine becomes manageable because I structure it very very carefully to never-never push me over the edge in terms of what I can handle if I was only going to the gym I’d find that really hard to motivate myself to that level of abuse first thing straightaway in the morning but starting with the coffee starting with some emails chat with some friends you know work my way through that structure can help a lot at the end of associations between your rational mind and your emotional mind if you overload your emotional mind it’s gonna bite back hard so simply be be smart about it you can plan that out in a way that’ll work really well for you yeah I think that basically says it all it’s kind of a it’s a mechanical override that’s needed you got to understand lightning put it this way no matter how depressed you are almost no matter how depressed you are someone came into your house and started wrecking things you’d get out of bed to see what’s going on so you always can the idea that you can’t as a trick you made a good point because one of the things he says is he’ll go all the way and go to the gym come back and then go back into bed I thought that’s yeah that’s quite extreme what it tells me is that whatever part of his mind that needs to be woken up that doesn’t want to stay in being a still asleep despite going to the gym so it may be that he’s missing the core element from his morning routine along the lines of either socializing so waking up the social part of his brain or something mental and cognitive waking up the academic part of his brain there’s these great apps ahead of their alarms but you have to solve like problems to turn them off mathematical problems or or riddles and it’s a great way it’s very hard to go back to bed when your mind is properly awake mentally it’s very easy to go back to bed when you’re actually physically exhausted but you know your mind still in Fairyland but the key here is it’s this thing like I don’t think there’s any super magic pill technical trick here is you basically just have to understand that nobody really desperately wants to get up in the morning and you might just have a strong a case of that and you just kind of have to force yourself to and sort of like like Mike I guess both of us have seen your morning routine has to have a range of things that each one by itself is not a big ask it’s just it’s like you’re holding your hand and gently leading yourself into the start of the day like just go do the thing like I mine’s really broken down like first I’ll just go to the toilet then I’ll brush the teeth to get yuck taste out of my mouth and I’ll step into the cold shower then I’ll turn on the shower but it’s still not touching me it then I’ll just put one Li again then the other leg it’s this real step by step and when I’m doing it it really feels like that I have to hold my hand through each step and there’s just reluctance the whole way but after that cold shower I’m kind of like okay bead doesn’t seem so appealing anymore and now I’m hungry you know and old I’ll go start with breakfast then Lucy and I will talk about some stuff and I’m just starting to wake up and I’ve got this little app on my phone there does it’s called elevate and it’s just full of like maths problems and like writing problems reading diction I’ll just play a little game few games on that and suddenly my brains awake academically so by the time I get stat like B it just seems like a really unappealing place like I’m too awake and that’s all I got really for this one there being said if you find that this is really chronic and long-term you may in fact have depression you may in fact be to the level where some form of medication is required and I can see I think you’re going to be it far too late 1 a.m. is too late for someone who has sleeping problems yeah just a fire and I’ll note on that from my perspective you know I’ve been in this exact same situation at the time I definitely would have described it as depression possibly needing medication but looking back at that period of my life and and recognizing it for what it was it was just a natural resistance that my brain had to being challenged and being in that situation and one of the things that I found really intriguing was was the realization that at the beginning it’s never going to be easy to push herself to grow your brain is going to resist that it wants to be lazy your reptile brain is designed to conserve as much energy as possible it’s a survival mechanism so it’s gonna fight you but once you start doing it a little bit once you start taking those cold showers doing that little bit of work and you start seeing the benefit your emotional brain starts to see it differently now my brain when I wake up in the morning like Jim that sounds pretty good like where it’s gotten me so far I like where it’s gonna take me next I want to see that and I no longer feel that huge like oh my god this is so undesirable and difficult so give it a bit of time your job is to make it something that you are able to achieve for now you don’t have to enjoy let the enjoyment grow naturally it will happen [Music]

please say something else they got muted you yeah yeah do you want me to read the next question out oh yeah yeah let’s jump into the next one do that that was a great question appreciate that one it’s something I’m constantly learning about as well so this second question was about honesty now it’s just from one of our members who has been working a lot on developing a sense of honesty and how to apply to his life in social situations the question he asked was in general what is your interpretation of honesty the sort of an open question I think then on the Facebook group at one point and I’m just gonna read exactly what she wrote which was what’s her interpretation of honesty maybe it’s being afraid of asking exactly what someone means or demanding an honest communication in other words setting a creme of honesty for the people around you he has stepped into a happier version of himself from a few months ago since he started coaching with Dan and being on it’s open and true in setting boundaries and it’s learning that honesty and boundary study makes them feel fantastic and his brain is not that exhausted anymore I think that’s a great chair it’s a great chair I think we have a lot to say about honesty and you and I ever since the beginning of Raja we’ve had some pretty deep discussion about the importance of honesty in communication and in our social relationships and to ourselves in that general question what’s your interpretation of honesty how do you sum that up now

okay so I try to keep it as concise as possible which is honesty is when what comes out of you verbal and body language accurately represents what’s going on inside you essentially it’s your best attempt to portray the truth as you know it I think an even easier way to describe it is you know when you’re being dishonest now one of the one of the issues I think with the interpretation of honesty is a lot of people have a pretty workable definition of honesty but it’s the definition of dishonesty that’s the problem because they have a lot of stuff in the honesty category that is actually dishonesty one of the key things is hiding stuff so they’ll say lying is dishonestly if I deliberately portray something as true when I know it’s not they like I don’t I don’t ever do that but it’s actually their first like because they probably do at least sometimes but the dishonesty where you have a strong feeling but you don’t let it be shown you have an opinion you keep it to yourself you have a disagreement or a conflicting idea and you give the impression that you don’t that’s also lying it’s also dishonesty its dishonesty with body language it’s the sin of omission now honesty doesn’t mean saying every single thing that comes into your mind because there’s simply not enough space in the world for that you think faster than you can speak anyway for somebody to pour every thought out into the world is not so much honesty as it is just unrelenting disrespect of other people’s space so honestly it’s a bit of an hour an art form when to do it and what to do it with and when to hold back and let others have a turn there’s no hard and fast rules that people can follow about this the one thing I say is there’s a thing I call the obvious truth which is at any given time there’s something in your mind that’s arisen and not only is it true but it’s important and it’s more important than the other stuff swirling around in your mind and whether or not you expressed that particular thing when it’s your turn to speak next that determines honesty and it’s quite often that thing that people work around to talk about something else which is a subtle form of dishonesty you’ve got this big thing in your mind but you don’t like how like sort of inappropriate or controversial it is so you find something else to talk about something else it is true but it’s not the thing that’s at the front of your mind and that’s that I think that’s the part of honesty that people don’t quite nail it’s the most difficult part so yeah that sense my interpretation of honesty in general yeah I fully fully agree with that the expression outside of what’s actually going on inside your head is it’s the fundamental definition we’re talking about here I love some of the discussions that we’ve had with the bros particularly in our seminars in our live seminars about dating and relationships they come up with some great questions like you know sure that I actually tell this girl whether or not I think she’s bad or whatever it happens to be and it raises some very interesting questions I think that one of the things that I noticed about how I perceive an approach honesty is that I do categorize it a bit I think of it as

honesty of my intentions what I want in situation what I expect from someone my frame my perceptions about a relationship with someone anything that affects this person in front of me I should be 100% open about it affects them they deserve to know even if they don’t like okay whereas honesty of my personal affairs or honesty of my past you know there are certain things that aren’t really relevant to this person there isn’t a reason for me to share that it’s not going to affect them like what that is a lower priority it’s important for me to ask the question I feel shame about this because then it’s affected me I’m hiding it to protect myself because I feel that this is some negative thing that’s a problem I’m gonna have to deal with but and what comes to honesty in my social interactions I focus on the things that are relevant to this person I’m not looking to give them every single bit of judgemental thought that came into my head just because it flitted through there’s no value to it but if I’m hiding anything that impacts them that’s doing a disservice to both of us yeah I think this thing that’s the kind of a good description of that art form is you know there’s a lot of factors you weigh up as to what comes out and what stays in and the impact that has on you and others as a key factor deciding that the more impact that’s likely to have them what should come out including the impact of not they’re not coming out if it’s going to have a big impact that it doesn’t come out then it should come out there’s other things like I remember we were hosting a workshop about this once and somebody said like what if some random person comes up and asks for my pin code that’s an interesting example is it lying to say that you know to not give them the code I said no honesty would be saying I don’t want to give you the pin code because that’s how you honestly feel quite often being honest about not wanting to be honest is honestly you know say look something’s come up but I don’t want to tell you about it cuz I’m scared of how you’re gonna react that is actually the truth you don’t have to save the thing that you don’t want to put out you say that you don’t want to put it out there so there’s always one of the things I wanted to mention was there’s honesty and then there’s truthfulness which is honesty combined with accuracy it’s something I’ll be talking about a lot in my book that’s coming out the naked truth so there’s a lot of people who would consider themselves honest but really they’re just judgmental and they’re inconsiderate and they just blow it any [ __ ] thing that comes out to the head and they don’t they don’t do any sort of review of its accuracy they don’t check its with reality that I don’t see how truthful their being they just think hey if I speak my mind that’s honesty and in the sense it is but what I’d suggest is that the real the noble goal is truthfulness when what you say is not only how you truly feel but what you feel has been shall we say influenced by a curious exploration as to what’s actually true like if I have a judgemental thought pop into my head first question I could ask before I speak their thought is is the thought true because if that’s not and I explicit us as if it is then I’m essentially now being dishonest you know let’s say some guy walks past me and he’s like this much taller than me and my brain get by he’s too tall Who am I to say someone’s too tall what is too tall who gave me the power to decide the right height for human beings now if I was to say is too tall I’m now lying because I don’t have the right to say that there I don’t have the authority to determine what the right height for something is now if he’s about to get on to a rollercoaster ride that I’m running that has a height limit and I say you’re too tall that’s accurate but if he’s just taller than me and that bums me out then the real truth is I’m jealous of your height not you’re too tall and that’s gonna take a little bit of consideration and this is why I say it’s really an art form what I’d say is if you’re not sure what the right thing is to say say it anyway your learn don’t get stuck in overthinking if you if it takes you more than five seconds to think of what to say just start talking get it wrong and then you’ll learn from there but there is more to honesty than just speaking in mind you have to also analyze your mind that how accurate it is absolutely and you know one of the things that I notice is that when it comes to honesty I think of it as you know there’s honesty of emotion honesty of how I feel and there’s honesty of facts and what I think and those are all separate things I have not yet found a place where I should hide how I feel for me percent of the time with anyone anywhere I should be a hundred percent honest and and that’s the most important thing the example you gave with the pin code that’s the first answer no I don’t feel like giving you my pin code that doesn’t really sound like a smart idea I can’t even tell you why or the guy walking by who’s too tall all you really know is I feel like he’s pretty much too tall I might be too short but I feel like he’s too tall that I know that’s a truth the objective truth is something we rarely ever really bully no baby cute all right depends you know and I find that’s quite helpful so when it comes to expressing what’s going on for me in the world at this moment to someone I’m standing in front of how I feel is is there’s no question as to whether or not that’s accurate I can always share that and it is it does wonders in building connection and helping them understand whether we can connect the rest of it we’re figuring out together as we go what do we want where are we going with this what’s true what are we gonna do today what do we like or dislike that’s all negotiable and it’s part of the process of building a relationship I love that but you know that is really you just out like the the central thesis for their next book coming out which has the only thing you can be truly accurate about us your inner experience it’s the only thing you know for sure well it’s the most sure you can be about anything so rather speak about that truth you’ve got to speak about your truth and your language has to reflect that I feel I think I believe I got the impression I made an assumption that these kind of presuppositions I think they’re called these little like intros to you expressing something so it was a great training tool for identifying how to speak in a way that’s always about your own experience the difference between you’re too tall and I judge you as being too tall is astronomical it’s a huge difference one I’m saying your your height as a factual thing of reality and I’m just commenting on it then the other I’m saying I have a view in a perspective and I don’t know if it’s right or not it just seems right to me now that now either way can still cause conflicts but it’s makes such a big difference for connection like you made me angry versus you know when you do that I get myself angry which is the truth they don’t make you anything they’re not like a brain surgeon in there with probes so pushing buttons you you your brain beats me there’s a responsibility to honesty whatever I think of the world and however I act is me causing it I am the prime mover here and I must speak as such you know and you can see conflict arising when that doesn’t happen I was just talking to Mike before we started recording your thing just one of my videos just blew up with a lot of so we say negative feedback not necessarily bad feedback it’s negative and I realized I’d made the critical mistake in that video where I talked of stuff as fact rather than just making sure I’m putting like this is my opinion I believe because I don’t know if what I’m saying is fact in that particular video this is different to say the scientific study clearly suggested blah blah blah this is just means putting opinion out there as if it’s the truth and I’ve been caught out on it and rightly so but it caused quite a conflict for people whereas other videos might still cause conflict but if I’m saying look this is just what I think I’m happy to be wrong this is the way I see it this is my belief based on my experience my anecdotal evidence and so on you can’t say while he’s claiming scientific fact because he’s not he’s just called I think the question the guy put through he sent through other ones before where I think the theme is honesty and respect like honesty causing conflict and confrontation with people understand confrontation is going to stay to a minimum level if you keep owning the way you put out the truth you keep making sure that you’re never putting it on them you never stating anything as objective it’s always subjective I feel like this when I see you do they’re not you made me feel or not you’re doing that wrong as I judge you as doing there makes a big difference absolutely it’s all about stating you know how I feel and what am i okay with if you’re always clear about that but the people around you it’s very easy for them to negotiate that frame and those boundaries whereas if you say you know if you’re judgmental about them I don’t like that you do that I don’t like that you make me feel this way that was wrong you know that’s that’s absolutely incorrect first of all and it also puts all the burden on them you’re now calling them out for something that they didn’t intend to make you feel that way even if they did they haven’t necessarily accepted responsibility for that the way for you to negotiate that is simply to make it clear where you are and what you want in that situation and then it’s very very clear whether or not they are going to respect you and that’s okay isn’t it the honesty polarizes their reaction you make your best attempt to be as I call in the book powerfully honest to be as accurate and kind of bold and responsible as possible with the honesty they react really badly to that you’ve got an idea of how right you are for each other not necessarily a full idea yet this thing might need to be fleshed out most confrontation is getting worse before they get better we’ll hunt people to get over people misunderstand each other and get into their little self pity parties and try to win and stuff forget that their friends briefly but yeah I think I’ve had some people who get quite academic about this or philosophical and they say well what is the truth really I said rather than going down that rabbit hole just ask yourself am I being dishonest and you know the answer this isn’t a discussion with somebody else there’s just an internal analysis you know when you’re holding something back you know when how you represent yourself isn’t accurately how you feel you know when you’re trying to people please or trying to moderate a situation in your favor as opposed to just putting the truth out there and then people scrap over it you know when you’re doing it you can’t lie to yourself at the core level well actually that’s not true you can but you don’t get away with it for very you know I always say the first Liars that we tell ourselves we’re good people we tell ourselves we’re honest you know I’d say if nothing else please cancel out that first lie assume I I even do it still to this day assume they’re not only are you capable of dishonesty you will at some point do they be dishonest it’s gonna slip out you might not even see it happen because you lie to yourself about it before it happens like the way nice guys convince themselves that they don’t mind something that bothers them so that they don’t have to confront it there’ll be this process you’ll be like you’ll notice the internal I think you mentioned that before Mike being honest with yourself is actually the hardest part of all of us you’ll notice there’s this bit where you have a little story and you’re here as you’re trying to take what was originally true and manipulate and mold it so that you can actually put it out there without anything bad happening to you try to convince yourself at something else so that you can actually talk about it that’s the bit that needs to be intervened with first and foremost the rest being honest with other people as actually simpler than them absolutely two great questions today we really appreciate them guys keep them coming I think that about wraps it up for this week absolutely yeah keep those questions coming in and we’ll try and tackle them at least once a week or once every other week maybe Mike thanks again and we’ll see you all next time yes

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