This post is for the partners of men with Nice Guy Syndrome (people pleasers who lack masculinity) who wish to help their men recover from this mental illness and develop their relationship into something more healthy and fulfilling.

I’ll be straight with you right away: if you think this recovery is ALL on him, and there’s no responsibility for you to make improvements to how you act in the relationship, then I can’t help you. Nice Guys do not end up in relationships with perfectly healthy women. They find their match.

So if your man is suffering from Nice Guy Syndrome, that means there’s work for you to do too. If you can accept that, then there’s hope for both of you. You can grow together, creating an iron-strong bond for life.

What is Nice Guy Syndrome?

In brief, a “Nice Guy” is a man who believes they must try to control the emotions of everyone around them, in order to be liked and to prevent conflict. It’s a response to childhood trauma. While not officially recognised by medical authorities yet, it’s best you see this as a mental illness.

In relationships, this manifests in different ways depending on what type of Nice Guy your man is.

If he’s an extrovert, he’ll put on a show to impress everyone, like being very helpful, funny, skilled, giving gifts, flashing his wealth or achievements, being a know-it-all, and so on. Or he’ll be a master manipulator, always finding the clever way to make everyone like him and do what he wants.

If he’s more of an introvert, he’ll probably play a much more passive and submissive role. He’ll agree with everything and never seem to have a problem with any of your ideas. He never starts a fuss or does things that will risk him getting negative attention. He will show signs of low self-worth, being hyper-critical of himself and others, and holding in a lot of hidden resentment.

These guys might initially appear to be genuinely “nice”, but over time you’ll notice a falseness and transactionality to it. They’re only nice to control people and get outcomes for themselves, such as approval, validation, and emotional comfort. He’ll often treat you and the kids worse than he treats total strangers, prioritizing people he hasn’t yet “won over”.

He probably seemed to be an amazing guy during the first initial dating phase, but once the relationship got locked in you started to notice his lack of initiative, lack of spine, dishonesty, emotional numbness (or oversensitivity), and reluctance to stand up for themselves or others.

The important point for you to accept and deal with is that all of this niceness is FAKE. It’s a control strategy designed to protect him from rejection, uncomfortable feelings, conflict, and intimacy (fear of being abandoned after falling in love).

There will be elements of the real him in there somewhere, but expect to see some significant changes as he develops self-confidence and healthier beliefs.

What changes will happen during his recovery?

In essence, the recovery of a Nice Guy is about increasing his integrity. This means he will start replacing his strategy to make people like him with more honesty, courage, and alignment with his inner core values.

You may not enjoy these changes, at first.

You might be shocked at how much he’s been hiding from you (though you probably suspected all along that key information was being hidden or lied about). He will have hidden resentments that he pretended to be OK with. He will have shame about who he is and his sexuality as a man.

And he will have a LOT of built-up anger, to the point of rage. You may have seen this when he has a “puke”; an irrational overreaction that might have scared and confused you. Nice Guys have a darkness in them that makes them actually quite dangerous (but it can be healed).

Again, I must be direct with you: these changes may be so extreme that he’s no longer the man you originally fell in love with. These changes may end the relationship. This risk cannot be avoided.

On the upside, if you truly want a bold, masculine, healthy leader for a partner, then these changes will be in your best interest too.

How this will affect you

While many frustrated and depressed women come to me begging for help with their partners, they’re later surprised to find themselves resistant to some of the improvements.

If you’re with a Nice Guy for a long time, no doubt you’ve become the main decision-maker in the relationship. You get everything you want, and he almost never resists. That’s going to change.

He’s nowhere near as easy-going as you think he is. He’s secretly disagreed with and resented a lot of your decisions. As he becomes more honest, you’re going to get more push-back.

Sadly for you, the main work for him will probably be around standing up to YOU. Nice Guys generally have their worst symptoms manifest with their partner (though there are exceptions, like Nice Guys who are only weak with other men or strangers). Your first impression of his changes might be that he’s simply more resistant and assertive with you.

Remember, this is actually what you want. You’ll appreciate it later when he becomes an integral man who you can trust to protect you and the kids, and share his true self with you. But don’t expect your comfort levels to increase with these changes.

If you want a real man, be prepared to handle having a real man!

He will likely have sexual shame issues to work through with you in the bedroom. You may have some awkward and uncomfortable experiences sorting through these. Remind yourself how you would want him to react if you had sexual issues, and treat him with that same compassion.

He will have toxic friendships that need to be corrected or ended. This may cause him grief and loneliness.

He probably eats shit from people at work, or may even be in the totally wrong career. His changes may affect your shared finances (it will get better in the future). He might start wanting to take risks that scare you.

If he’s also a dad, there may be changes he has to make to his parenting. Maybe he needs to learn boundary setting with the kids, or even with you around accommodating his beliefs about the parenting style you both use. He might even become less helpful if he was previously the self-sacrificing type of Nice Guy.

How these changes will benefit you

Obviously, there’s no point in supporting him through this recovery process if it just means more suffering for you. But in my experience (I’ve been coaching Nice Guys in relationships since 2013), generally these changes work out well for the partner. If you can get through the difficult transition period, you will be rewarded with a better partner.

He will be more assertive, standing up to you but also FOR you and the kids. You won’t have to fight all the family’s battles anymore.

He will be more decisive, initiating with his own ideas, taking leadership risks, and giving you greater trust that you know what he wants and doesn’t like.

He will be much more honest. You will know what he’s thinking and feeling. You will find out who he really is. There may be big changes in his relationships, including with his family (expect some heavy confrontations on that front).

He will pursue more meaningful activities in all areas of life, giving more respect to his morals and values. He may change career path, engage in better health practices, take up interesting hobbies, and start befriending more confident people.

You will find yourself with a partner you can respect, are attracted to, can trust with decision making, and feel certain will live up to his word.

How you can support his changes

If he’s resistant to making this changes or having this discussion, send him this letter:

An Emergency Letter From Your Partner

He simply won’t be able to do this without your support. If you resist these changes too much, he will either give up or leave you.

Supporting means letting go of control and allowing him room to make mistakes without having to worry about you overreacting.

His initial confrontations and attempts at assertiveness will be messy and unskilled. He might overdo it a bit, or accidentally say mean things, or generally be a bit emotionally unstable (more than usual) as he develops the ability to speak his mind for the first. You being patient and understanding will go a LONG way towards him accelerating his progress.

For him to learn to be more decisive, you need to let him make decisions. You must let go of things always been done perfectly the way you like them. You should challenge him to call the shots. He WILL make mistakes. He will do it “not good enough” sometimes. This is part of the learning process. Encourage him to try again rather than criticizing his mistakes.

Honesty will be the main thing he’s going to need to work on, and for that to happen you need to manage your reaction to uncomfortable truths. If you bite his head off whenever he tries to share with you, he won’t be able to build the courage to continue being this honest. You don’t have to like what he says, and you shouldn’t pretend to agree when you don’t, but try to react in a way that shows that being honest with you is safe.

Take care not to send mixed messages. Don’t ask him to take the lead in bed and then reject him every time he does it. Don’t ask him to be more assertive and then explode when he demands more respect. Don’t encourage him to make decisions for the kids and then undermine him in front of them. If you asked for it, accept it.

Love him when he’s feeling weak. Let him cry. Let him explain what hurts him, and what he struggles with. You shouldn’t become his therapist, but if he’s not safe to open up to you, then he will be forced to move on to someone with whom he can.

Mostly, focus on encouraging the behaviours you admire and respect rather than criticizing the things you don’t like. He is hard on himself already, you don’t need to add to that. Be his cheerleader, and you’ll be rewarded with a man you can brag to your jealous friends about.

Saying things like, “I felt more attracted to you when you did that”, or “That made me respect you more”, or “Now THAT’s a real man right there!” will supercharge his confidence.

Your responses to his early first attempts to change will have a HUGE impact on how this goes in the future.

Facing yourself…

As I mentioned earlier, one of the most difficult elements of this process for you is facing up to the truth: you’ve got things to work on too.

Nice Guys always end up with partners who have their own issues that prevent healthy relationships from developing.

Some of the common profiles I’ve noticed with Nice Guy partners include:

• People pleasers – the mirror; a female version of a Nice Guy. Fawning, trying to make everyone happy, avoiding conflict and lacking self-respect.
• Fixer-uppers – chaotic, mentally ill and emotionally unstable women whom the Nice Guy can “fix”, leading to a co-dependent relationship where the Nice Guy “rescues” you.
• Abuse victims – women who have been treated so badly in the past that they cling to any guy who shows kindness and warmth, creating a trauma bond regardless of red flags around his integrity.
• Anxious attachment – women who are so afraid of losing people that they tend to chase Avoidant personalities who are detached and maintain emotional distance (Nice Guys are mostly Avoidant).
• Avoidant attachment – women who themselves have problems with intimacy and commitment, and so enjoy “friendzone” type connections with men who chase them, and choose partners who they’re not really invested in.
• Abusers – women who have a tendency to use and become parasitic with weaker men, such as “gold diggers” and cheaters.

Something I’ve never once seen in all my years of doing this work is a Nice Guy in a relationship with a healthy and confident woman. Not once.

But you can both develop a healthy and confident psyche together if you’re willing to accept that the fact you’re with such a unwell person is a critical reflection on your own wellness. A confident woman wouldn’t be attracted to or stay with a Nice Guy. You must not fall for the false narrative that you’re “better” than him or “unlucky” to be with him. You chose each other for a reason.

So consider your own self-development alongside his. What do you bring to your relationships that clearly doesn’t work well? Should you explore therapy or coaching? Is it time to start studying philosophy and psychology? What behaviours does he want you to change?

If you both work on yourselves together, you reduce the risk of growing apart and can create the recovery bond that welds people together with unbreakable loyalty. Those who struggle and strive together, stay together.

Unfortunately, when the partner refuses to work on themselves or accept their own faults, my clients always outgrow them and move on to someone else. I don’t want this to happen to you.

Even if this relationship can’t be saved, at least it could be the start of you developing better relationships for the future and help stop you from making the same subconscious mistakes.

Extra resources:

Why Nice Guys “Pick Their Battles” with Their Wives

The Confident Mindset Needed for Nice Guy Recovery

How to fix Nice Guy relationships

Relationships for Dummies: Nice Guy marriage and relationship tips

Nice Guys with an Avoidant Attachment Style

Nice Guy Syndrome Psychology: A Complete Review

How you can make massive progress in just a few months!

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Thanks for reading

Hope to speak to you soon

Dan Munro