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7 Core Values for Personal Relationships

With divorce rates going above 50% internationally, it seems that people are having a hard time making relationships last.

Yet I’ve found in my work with clients over the last decade – findings that are validated by scientific studies around successful relationships – that there are certain core values that prevent relationships from deteriorating.

While some relationships never should have started in the first place because the people are a bad fit for each other, the real tragedy is when connections between people who are good for each other are destroyed by lapses of integrity over time.

In this video, I’ll share the 7 top core values that I’ve witnessed (and practice myself) that seem to keep good couples solid and deal with potential breakup issues well before they become a cause for concern.

 


 

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Full transcript (unedited)

core values for good relationships. So I’ve already looked at personal core values and some other areas. Now I want to focus specifically on the kinds of values that you should bring to the fore and fixate on if you want your relationship to go well. So whether you’re single or dating or married, trying to make new friends reconnect with family, in my experience, as a coach, where I focus a lot on social stuff, there’s just certain values that get more bang for buck than others. If you were to focus on these, you’re giving yourself the best possible chance. Now, of course, these are just my opinions might not work out this way for you. You will have heard other advice that contradicts everything I’m saying. You have to just decide for yourself what feels right. First and foremost, the one that I harp on about my fucking obsession, all honesty, is parent, speak your mind, let everything be known no secrets type radical honesty, a lot of people will tell you that there’s certain levels of deception required, especially at the beginning, kind of getting to know stage, whether it’s dating or meeting new people. I just don’t agree with that at all. I think the evidence is two contradictory to agree with that. Connection is not possible with lies. Because as soon as you’re being even slightly dishonest, it means you’re doing impression management, you’re putting forward an impression of yourself, that does not exist, a false brand or mask. And whatever relationship they form is going to be with the mask, not with you. And if you want to get closer to them later, you’re gonna have to take the mask down and re educate them about who you are. Surely it makes sense, just rational seeds, that if you gave them the real picture up front, then any relationship they formed with you does not need to be rebuilt later, does not need to be changed, you’re not going to surprise them with some unpleasant information later on. Because they’re getting what they signed up for right from the beginning. Now, yes, this will have a higher rejection rate than being false and people pleasing and seductive. Because you’re going to find out right away how people feel about you. But it’s just a delayed reaction, when you’re being false if you make someone like you, and they’re not really going to like the real you, but when you reveal it later, they’re still not going to like it. In fact, they’re going to be even more disappointed, because of the drop off from the first impression. You might seem a little dull or unattractive, or whatever it is in your eyes when you just be real with people from the start. But if they like you for that, then you’re golden forever, you’re never gonna have to worry about losing them, because they signed up for the real thing. Plus, and I think this is the more important that you won’t lose yourself. It is better to go home alone, having been honest. And to go home with someone haven’t been deceptive. Be your own self confidence for your own long term enjoyment of life, your relationship with yourself is one that also needs to be considered at all times, because it’s the only one you’re going to have forever. There’s one relationship that you have your entire life. And so one with you. Honesty is the bridging of the gap between you and you, that observer and that actor, making sure that they’re the same person, a complete unification a perfect marriage, if you will. If you can unite those two people, then bringing someone else and just feels like a bonus extra curiosity, particularly when it comes to conflict resolution. Curiosity is the most generous and loving way forward, to work through your differences with someone and get to know them truly and deeply. If you come in with judgments and assumptions, no at all behavior, unwillingness to be budged, unwillingness to let someone else influence you. I don’t know how you imagine that that’s going to help you connect with people. I mean, how do you feel when others do that to you? And how do you feel when someone is just genuinely curious about you? I mean, how often is that even happened? So rare, isn’t it? Unless you run in particularly good circles. It’s rare that someone really gives a shit. sure people have interviewed you many times, but this is because they want to try and make it feel like you’re having a good conversation. But you know the difference when someone actually gives a shit when they are really interested into what’s happening with you. As I’ve said in previous content, other people aren’t boring, you’re just not interested enough. Right? Get curious, find out, share, let them know you while you get to know them. And you’ll find that not only will you get to know each other really deeply, but when it comes to conflict, this is such a more effective approach to resolving conflict, then trying to beat them and dominate them and be aggressive. of respect, resentments, the poison to our relationship, whether romantic or platonic, familial, whatever resentment kills when you start to secretly have problems with way other person behaves. And what I’ve found is often what you will feel as disrespected. And yet, there’s a really, really, really fucking good chance that you’re being disrespectful yourself. And that before you start addressing them on their faults and failings, you got to address your own, treating others how you wish they treated you. That’s what I think is the most relationship focused definition of respect. I don’t mean like, Okay, well, I’d run around giving everybody head, it’s much more about what would make you feel valued as a person, what would make you feel like someone loves you, what would make you feel like you have a loyal ally, lists their behavior and go do that to your friends and family and partner? Right? Don’t wait for them to do it. First, you go first. And what you’ll be able to see quite quickly, is whether or not they reciprocate. So being respectful to others is a great test to figure out who you should actually have in your life if they do not reciprocate. That doesn’t need to be exact. But if they’re not putting in the effort the same way you are, there’s nothing else you need to measure. You don’t need to listen to the promises and the allies, their behavior doesn’t line up with what you consider to be respectful. When you told them, This is what I want, and they don’t deliver, and you have been delivering stoned find somebody else. On that note, acceptance, there is nobody you’re ever going to have in your life that is perfect. So while you should not tolerate harmful or toxic behavior, you are going to have to accept the humanity of others. Nobody is going to be perfectly living with integrity, right, nobody’s always going to be what you thought they were going to be. Nobody’s always going to be in a good mood, the people you’re going to have in your life long term are going to go through peaks and valleys. There’ll be times where they’re distant. There’ll be times when they’re depressed. There were times where they accidentally say something they shouldn’t have said and hurt your feelings. Learning to balance out acceptance with tolerance to know like, that’s just them being human, but they’re generally a good influence on me a good person to have in my life, they’re trying their best, they regret hurting me in that way. So on, versus somebody who’s like, this is actually harmful behavior overall, that this is beyond something I can accept. This is actually a bad verse. And for me, you know, there’s no clear cut rules that I can give you because it’s different for each person. But you got to look at your partner and I Okay, he leaves the toilet seat up for her overall, he’s a great husband. So I guess I’m living with a guy leaves the toilet seat up. That’s just my life. Courage, in particular, the courage to have confrontations. See, depth in a relationship is not built on Good Times. It’s built on getting through hard times. Good times is like icing on the cake. He gives it the flavor. You got to have good times or otherwise, what’s the point in being with somebody? That being said, That’s not where depth comes from, I can have good times with someone I barely connect with. And you’ve done that before you’ve had somebody who was your drinking, buddy, are you in traveling with them, you had a great time. But that’s all. You don’t know them very well. If you’re left alone in the room together, it’s really awkward. There’s got to be more to it than that. The courage to bring up difficult things to talk about and to get through those conversations and the courage to be humble as those conversations are happening and admit to being wrong when you’re wrong, and so on. The courage to let them have their emotional reaction and not try to control it, and maybe have to deal with them sulking for a while or even, you know, breaking up for a little while and then getting back together. Once it’s resolved. There’s lots of courage required to go deep somewhere. There’s risk taking, where we’re going to risk it all, to make sure that this resentment doesn’t build up or this truth isn’t headed. Or this behavior doesn’t lead to betrayal, I’m going to take the risk and if we can get through this risk will be stronger reasons. A lot of people they get to the end of their life and you can look up the research on this. And they generally just regret not spending more time with loved ones. And the interviewer to look at their life. They actually spent many, many hours with their loved ones, they lived with them. They went to grandparents every Sunday, the time spent is not the problem. What they’re really saying is they weren’t there when it was happening. They’re away with their worries or their thoughts or looking at their phone or worrying about their business or regretting their past or wishing they were somewhere else. And that’s why it feels like they didn’t spend enough time. When we say quality time we don’t really mean that the activity is this amazing thing. You could have quality time just reading a book next to somebody as long as you’re really there. When your partner goes to tell you about her day fucking listen, and respond. Don’t just be like on either one of these stories. You’re going to regret feeling think that way when your kid comes and shows you the 19th crayon drawing they’ve done this day and it’s just more scribbles. Ask them or what have you drawn here? Would you like to put it up on the fridge like be part of the process. If you can’t do that get out. But don’t do this wasted time thing because you will regret it later. Assertiveness, we’ve already touched on confrontations. But assertiveness is about the boundary maintenance. So confrontation of setting of the boundaries, assertiveness is actually the hard part. When behaviors start to creep over the boundary again, and you got to push them back, you might need to have the same uncomfortable conversation 1000 times in order to protect the relationship while then have that conversation 1000 times to protect the relationship, you might need to go and have a really uncomfortable moment with your kids teacher to make sure your kid gets the best possible schooling, or get your ass in the car and get down to the score for their meeting need assertiveness as maintaining the boundaries, protecting, even protecting each other from each other, being assertive with yourself about what you shouldn’t be doing and shouldn’t be saying because you know, it’s damaging to the relationship, putting in a little bit of uncomfortable effort to keep the fucking machine oiled and flowing. And lastly, generosity rather than coming into any kind of relationship or friendship and that transactional. What can I get out of it? mindset? Come and thinking what can I give to it? How do I make this better? How do I make it that being my partner improves your life being my friend is way better than not being my friend. By having me as a dad, you’re going to be bragging about what kind of dad you’ve got started to think what kind of behavior would make those things true? Those statements rather than hoping they’ll give to me and then maybe I’ll give to them. A lot of people do that transaction. Like, I’ll be nice to you. If you’re nice to me first, well, then who the fuck goes first? Somebody’s got to go first. Right? And if you’re doing it to get something in return, then that’s not a connection. That’s just a transaction. It’s a trade, you’re doing business with the person. Haven’t seen doing business with the person, give who you are to people. Let them do whatever they want with that and just go to bed satisfied that you gave that you were part of the life that you tried to have a positive impact. Now of course, there’s plenty more values you can apply to your relationship. These are just some of the common ones I’ve seen help my clients. You want to become one of those clients who gets helped with this sort of stuff. Get in touch dan@brojo.org I will talk about how to improve your relationship with more integrity.

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Thanks for reading

Hope to speak to you soon

Dan Munro

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