Hello everybody and welcome to 2019!
I didn’t want to do anything too crazy to welcome you into the year. I just wanted to say hello happy and new years to all of you, and share the three biggest things that I noticed in my reflections for this year.
I had a look at all the lessons I’ve learned through coaching and working with the BROJO peeps and everything like that, and there are 3 big ones that came up for me that I think everybody needs to be putting into consideration.
1) Rushing to the finish line
Some people are so obsessed with their future goals – this kind of imaginary finish line in their head – that they just blast through all of their activities rushing to get there .
Sometimes it’s on a week-to-week basis, like somebody rushing to get home or trying to get to the end of their workday or rushing to get to the weekend.
Sometimes it’s month-to-month: rushing to get to summer or rushing to get to the end of their goals, like to get a six-pack or to make a certain amount of money.
Sometimes it goes for years – rushing to get to a promotion that’s years in the future or rushing to get your business to be successful or rushing to get to marriage and children, all of which are years in the future.
Rush rush rush.
And what I mean by rushing is there’s no enjoyment of the process.
People are just getting through things like they’re a chore, like they’re some sort of burden or obstacle that you have to overcome and they’re just in the way of your future dreams.
The reason I bring this up is one of the biggest problems I’ve seen is because that thing you’re rushing through is your LIFE!
You think you’re gonna get to the finish line and suddenly be fulfilled with total satisfaction? No fucking chance!
The very fact that you’re rushing through things now guarantees that – if you maintain that mindset – when you do finally cross that imaginary finish line you’re gonna rush through that too!
You’ll get to your marriage and then you’ll rush through all of your connections with your partner. You’ll get to the point where your business is successful by some imaginary measure and then you’ll keep rushing through to the next level.
And you’ll rush rush rush right to the fucking grave. Wverybody’s rushing to their death…
What are you trying to achieve? Where are you trying to get to that isn’t going to be just a temporary place in time?
The secret to a meaningful life is not in the achievement of your goals, it’s in being able to find a way to enjoy the process of living, no matter what it is that you’re doing.
That should be the only real goal you have. All other goals should be supplementary to that; they should just be methodologies that will help you create more meaning in any given moment.
There is no finish line you can cross that will give you happiness, it doesn’t work like that.
The human brain is fucking wired for dissatisfaction, it is part of our evolutionary advantage. We’re constantly dissatisfied so that we keep growing.
You’re never going to be fully satisfied but you can learn how to chill the fuck out and enjoy the process.
You can enjoy competition. You can enjoy challenge and growth. But you’re not trying to get anywhere – be in the competition, be in the challenge – don’t try to get through it; try to be in it.
2) Suffering is caused by people-pleasing
There are very few people who actually identify as being a people pleaser and yet most people clearly are.
In fact, even if you’re someone who deliberately stirs up shit – like you’re an internet troll or you’re somebody likes to counter-argue and likes to be nonconformist – even that is people-pleasing, you’re still trying to be significant, you’re still trying to get attention, you’re still trying to be noticed and approved off by some group or niche.
The suffering I see people go through because of this is immense…
If you were to eliminate all of the stuff that you do to impress other people, to fit in, to be significant (especially to be significant) – all that pressure – if I was to remove that from someone’s brain, 90% of their suffering goes away! Because that’s where most of their issues come from.
If you’re wondering why it is that no matter what you’re doing in life – no matter what time of life this is for you, no matter how old you are – the same problems keep coming up, the same kind of internal pain keeps coming up, I suggest it’s a really fucking good chance that you’ve got Nice Guy Syndrome or that you’re a people pleaser.
You might not know it, you might not even think of yourself as particularly pleasing to people, but it’s your attempts to make other people like you, to make them notice you, to prove that you are somehow ‘valuable’ to others, that causes most your suffering.
I suggest in 2019, if you want to overcome that suffering, focus on one thing and one thing only: “How do I be confident without needing other people to notice me or like me? How can I be confident in myself without anybody else giving me a fucking thumbs up?”
If you can answer that question your suffering goes away, and it’s replaced by enjoyment of life.
3) Deprioritizing self-care
People put off taking care of themselves to get other shit done. I’m especially guilty of this when I get stressed about work.
I actually saw a quote from the Dalai Lama:
Just taking time to get up in the morning, making sure your needs are met before you meet other people’s needs, prioritizing rest and relaxation even when you’ve got a big to-do list, socializing even when you feel like you’ve got too much work on to socialize – these are all the basic elements of self-care.
Treat each day as if you have to balance all the elements e.g. you can’t have a day that doesn’t include a bit of socializing, that doesn’t include a bit of healthcare, that doesn’t include rest and relaxation.
We need to understand that anytime you feel stressed your body’s saying “Hey you’re not fucking taking care of yourself!”
Most people feel stressed most of the time right?
If you sitting in traffic stresses you out, you’re not taking good care of yourself!
If getting up to a deadline at work stresses you out, you’re not taking good care of yourself!
If somebody dumping you stresses you out, you’re not taking good care of yourself!
I bet that for most of you reading this, if I was to investigate your life and dig in and watch you do your day-to-day activities, I would see very little self-care, right?
I would see somebody who treats themselves as if they don’t deserve care. And that’s huge; that’s a confidence issue.
When you treat yourself like you’re not worthy of being taken care of, that is not only a symptom of low self confidence, it also generates low self confidence because you’re telling yourself “I’m not worthy of self care” when you do that.
Those are the three big lessons – negative as they might sound – that I noticed this year: people rushing to a finish line (when the finish line is really just death); people not realizing that most of their issues come from trying to impress other people and if they stopped doing that life would sort itself out; and of course not taking good care of yourself and punishing yourself rather than taking time to make sure that you’re in top shape.
So change your focus. Instead of achieving some bullshit goal to impress people and sacrificing yourself while you do it, actually focus on taking good care of yourself. Focus on building confidence that doesn’t need other people’s approval.
And the rest kind of falls into place.